Recently I tried something new. Unlike most new (or otherwise) things that I try, I didn't do anything awkward or idiotic or embarrassing. I rocked this new thing so hard. I was going to tell you guys all about it so you could be proud of me, but then I realized it would be the most boring, shortest post ever:
For those of you who don't know, paddle boarding is like surfing, but with a larger board and an oar with one blade. It's best done on a river or somewhere where the water is relatively flat and calm.
A friend of mine recently turned the big three OH and a group of us joined her for a Paddle! Boarding! Extravaganza! The plan was to start at one bar, paddle to the next, have a drink (because drinking + trying new things = yes), and paddle back.
There were seven of us and I was determined not to be the fool of the group. No face planting, falling in the water, knocking myself out with the board, having my kidney eaten by a shark, or getting sucked into the motor of a passing boat for me!
All was going swimmingly. Sure I was the slowest one, and had to work 14 times as hard as everyone, and ended up going in circles a few times. But, meh, there was nothing worth writing about.
Until it was time to disembark the paddle board. That is when things went horribly wrong. Or right. It's all about perspective, really.
To get off the paddle board, one was supposed to paddle up parallel to the dock, which is maybe 2 inches above the water, and step off the board onto said dock. This is exactly what everyone did.
Everyone but me.
Next to the dock that was two inches off the water was a dock that was 10 feet above the water. I'm not sure who this dock was built for, but I'm assuming dinosaurs. I decided it would be much more fun to nearly crash into the dinosaur dock then panic because I didn't know how to go backwards or turn around, which led to the logical step of getting on my knees and going under the dinosaur dock.
Here's a crappy picture to explain what I'm talking about.
In order to safely disembark, I needed assistance.
You guys know that book How to Win Friends and Influence People? I never read it, and I'm sure it's full of great advice, but what it took Mr. Carnegie a whole book to say, I can sum up in two words: Straddle Someone.
You read that right. You want to win friends and influence people? Straddle Them.
The lovely girl who decided to help me off my board was someone I'd met two hours ago. You could say we were in the, where-are-you-from-the-weather-is-lovely-I-like-your-eyeshadow stage of our relationship. It's a nice stage to be in, and I suppose if I was 22 I'd be content to stay there and wait for the natural progression of all the other stages. But I'm thirty. I'm getting exponentially older by the second. There's no guarantee I'm going to live long enough to see the my-gynecologist-said-the-weirdest-thing-when-she-was-elbow-deep-in-my-vagina-the-other-day stage.
Which is why I skipped straight to the Imma-mount-you-on-this-dock-in-front-of-all-these-people stage.
As I said, this lovely girl helped me off the board by sitting on the dock and stabilizing the board with her feet. I would then crawl to the end of the board and step onto the dock. It was an excellent plan; the only problem was that she was blocking my way onto the dock.
So I said, "I'm going to straddle you." Because, duh.
And I did.
But then we were kinda stuck there and I wasn't sure what to do so I said, "Lie down." Because, of course.
I had to say it a few times, which I suspect was because she was trying to come to terms with the fact that she'd just been straddled by strange woman in a bikini in broad daylight on a dock at a restaurant where families were eating dinner.
She eventually did as I said, and I cradled her head with my hand so she wouldn't hit it on the dock (it's the polite thing to do), and then I rolled off of her.
After that, we determined we were best friends for life. Because, straddling.
So there you go. Want to make friends? Straddle someone. Business meeting not going well? Straddle someone. Awkward lull in conversation? Straddle someone.
Want to save your friend from being hit by a car? Well, for that, you gotta grab them by the boob and pull them out of the way. But that's another story for another day.