Monday, June 24, 2013

I Straddled a Girl, and I Liked It

Recently I tried something new. Unlike most new (or otherwise) things that I try, I didn't do anything awkward or idiotic or embarrassing. I rocked this new thing so hard. I was going to tell you guys all about it so you could be proud of me, but then I realized it would be the most boring, shortest post ever:

The thing I tried? Paddle boarding.

For those of you who don't know, paddle boarding is like surfing, but with a larger board and an oar with one blade. It's best done on a river or somewhere where the water is relatively flat and calm.

A friend of mine recently turned the big three OH and a group of us joined her for a Paddle! Boarding! Extravaganza! The plan was to start at one bar, paddle to the next, have a drink (because drinking + trying new things = yes), and paddle back.

There were seven of us and I was determined not to be the fool of the group. No face planting, falling in the water, knocking myself out with the board, having my kidney eaten by a shark, or getting sucked into the motor of a passing boat for me!

All was going swimmingly. Sure I was the slowest one, and had to work 14 times as hard as everyone, and ended up going in circles a few times. But, meh, there was nothing worth writing about.

Until it was time to disembark the paddle board. That is when things went horribly wrong. Or right. It's all about perspective, really.

To get off the paddle board, one was supposed to paddle up parallel to the dock, which is maybe 2 inches above the water, and step off the board onto said dock. This is exactly what everyone did.

Everyone but me.

Next to the dock that was two inches off the water was a dock that was 10 feet above the water. I'm not sure who this dock was built for, but I'm assuming dinosaurs. I decided it would be much more fun to nearly crash into the dinosaur dock then panic because I didn't know how to go backwards or turn around, which led to the logical step of getting on my knees and going under the dinosaur dock.

Here's a crappy picture to explain what I'm talking about.

Those red things are the paddle boards. You will see that everyone else pulled up parallel to the dock, but since I decided to take the path of most resistance, the only option I was left with was to crash into it with the nose of my board.

In order to safely disembark, I needed assistance.

You guys know that book How to Win Friends and Influence People? I never read it, and I'm sure it's full of great advice, but what it took Mr. Carnegie a whole book to say, I can sum up in two words: Straddle Someone.

You read that right. You want to win friends and influence people? Straddle Them.

The lovely girl who decided to help me off my board was someone I'd met two hours ago. You could say we were in the, where-are-you-from-the-weather-is-lovely-I-like-your-eyeshadow stage of our relationship. It's a nice stage to be in, and I suppose if I was 22 I'd be content to stay there and wait for the natural progression of all the other stages. But I'm thirty. I'm getting exponentially older by the second. There's no guarantee I'm going to live long enough to see the my-gynecologist-said-the-weirdest-thing-when-she-was-elbow-deep-in-my-vagina-the-other-day stage.
Which is why I skipped straight to the Imma-mount-you-on-this-dock-in-front-of-all-these-people stage.

As I said, this lovely girl helped me off the board by sitting on the dock and stabilizing the board with her feet. I would then crawl to the end of the board and step onto the dock. It was an excellent plan; the only problem was that she was blocking my way onto the dock.

So I said, "I'm going to straddle you." Because, duh.

And I did.

But then we were kinda stuck there and I wasn't sure what to do so I said, "Lie down." Because, of course.

I had to say it a few times, which I suspect was because she was trying to come to terms with the fact that she'd just been straddled by strange woman in a bikini in broad daylight on a dock at a restaurant where families were eating dinner.

She eventually did as I said, and I cradled her head with my hand so she wouldn't hit it on the dock (it's the polite thing to do), and then I rolled off of her.

After that, we determined we were best friends for life. Because, straddling.

So there you go. Want to make friends? Straddle someone. Business meeting not going well? Straddle someone. Awkward lull in conversation? Straddle someone.

Want to save your friend from being hit by a car? Well, for that, you gotta grab them by the boob and pull them out of the way. But that's another story for another day.

Comment gem!
There's a pop song out here now called Walks like Rihanna. About a woman who can't sing, or dance, or basically do jack shit, but it's okay because she walks like Rihanna. Does Rihanna have a special walk?! I have no idea. I've banned her in the house since my then 6 year old son started singing 'come on rude boy, boy, can you get it up'. Not ready for that just yet...


  1. BWhahahah snort.. I laugh because were I ever brave enough to try something like that with these huge boobs and my lack of balance, that would totally be something I would have happen.

  2. Hahaaha right now, someone is writing a blog post about how she was sexually molested while trying to help a paddleboater this weekend...

  3. Ok Gia's comment made me spit out my breakfast (eggs, Gia, not froot loops ;D)

    So, uh, at the beginning I was going to say we should totally hang out because I could bring up the rear with you (so to speak) but I'm not sure I'm ready to be straddled by some lady in a bikini and a feathery face mask.

  4. I. Am. Dying!!!! Hahahahahaha careful tho, that strategy could be dangerous if you're around dolphins!!

  5. I. Am. Dying!!!! Hahahahahaha careful tho, that strategy could be dangerous if you're around dolphins!!

  6. I have always thought straddling others was best practice when it came to winning at life.

  7. I don't know about everyone else, but I can not WAIT for the next installment of 'You Googled What?!' after this story...

  8. I'm sure there were parents who, on the way home, had to field questions such as, "Mommy, why was that one lady on to of the other lady? Were they playing a game?"

  9. Should I be offended I wasn't straddled?

  10. You bought her drinks afterwards, of course? Maybe shared a smoke?


  11. Sometimes, just for shits and giggles, I straddle Hot Joe. I get anything I want and we're both happier for the experience.

    TMI? Whatevs.

  12. Well, at least you warned her before straddling her. Because my clumsy ass would've fallen on top of her before I'd said a word. Or even thought of saying a word.

  13. The paddle boarding sounds awesome! And if there is a 30th birthday extravaganza that does not include some experimental straddling with strangers, clearly something is wrong.

  14. THANK YOU! Being mid-divorce in a town hours and hours from any of my family and friends means I need to get myself out there more and try harder to make friends up here. You've solved my problem! I will just start straddling people and BAM! Instant friends! You are so smart!

  15. I have read this like 4 times and EVERY TIME I laugh hysterically!


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.