Monday, February 4, 2013

Back With A Vengeance

During my senior year of college, my roommate and I got a pumpkin for Halloween. We didn't carve it because pumpkin homicide is wrong we were lazy.

The pumpkin made it through Halloween and Thanksgiving without rotting. Sometime around Christmas, we put it out on our balcony because taking it down to the dumpster required way too much effort (please reference laziness mentioned above). When we returned from winter break and the pumpkin still hadn't begun to rot I started to suspect it was no ordinary pumpkin.

It was a magical pumpkin! 

A wizard!

Or a superhero!
By February, I had grown quite fond of it so I named it Frances.

Frances and I were special friends. We would go on long walks together and read together and watch t.v. together and play dress up.

Frances was kinda slutty.

Before we knew it, it was April and we were graduating. The real world loomed ahead, with its jobs and responsibilities. To me, it seemed like a scary place, a place where you had to wear pants everyday and people frowned upon pumpkin playmates.

My roommate and I began the arduous task of packing up all our stuff and trying to determine what exactly the sticky stuff in the back of the fridge was. Should we clean it up or leave it for the next inhabitants to deal with?

I'll let you guess what we decided.

Her boyfriend and the fiance (now known as the husband) came to help. I was carefully and methodically tossing beauty products from under the bathroom sink into a box when I heard a noise. A noise very similar to screaming followed by a SPLAT!

What was tha...

No! It couldn't be! Not Frances!

I ran outside to the balcony and looked down to the sidewalk below. There she was, my Frances. Displaying her guts for all the world to see, thanks to my roommate's boyfriend.

I was devastated. I had no doubts Frances would live a very long time, maybe even forever. But here she was, cut down in the prime of her life.

Eventually my heart healed, and I moved on. I'm ashamed to say it, but I even forgot about Frances.

Fast forward to Halloween 2012. The husband and I bought several pumpkins and placed them on the stairs leading up to our front door. Eventually, they began to rot. Every few days we'd come home to find another one had liquified into a pumpkin slushy. Soon, they were all gone.

All but one.

I brought it in the house and placed on the dining room table where it spent Thanksgiving with us. After the feast, I  moved it onto the balcony where it spent Christmas...and New Year's...and Martin Luther King, Jr. day...and here it is, February 4th and It's. Still. Here.

You guys know where I'm going with this, right?


That's not where you thought this was going? I don't know why. It's so obvious that's what happened.

Clearly, Frances wasn't done being a pumpkin and she's back. However, she's seems a little angrier than she used to and she's got these two minions with her (one who seems particularly pissed). Which is why I've named her Frances With A Vengeance.

She's not as fun as she used to be and she definitely doesn't have time for my shenanigans, but it's nice to have her back.

P.S. I didn't really do all those things with Frances. Because that would be weird. And although I was engaged to the husband, he wasn't yet bound to me FOR-EV-ER. Heed my advice ladies. Save the weirdest parts of yourself for after marriage, when your husband is legally required to come home to you every day, and make you milkshakes, and rub your feet. And make outfits out of felt for your pumpkin friend, Frances.

Just kidding.


P.P.S. Husband, if you're reading this, please don't kill Frances With A Vengeance. I'm pretty sure she'll come back as Frances With A Chainsaw and murder us in our sleep.

Comment gem!

I would've so hugged her anyway. I don't stop midhug. Ever. Does that make me the hug date rapist? Cause that doesn't sound like a good thing to be.


  1. I CANNOT believe you still married him after he smashed Frances. Remind me never to rely on you to stand up for my honour when someone throws me off a balcony.

  2. Noooooo! The husband did not kill Frances. My roommate's boyfriend did. I would never marry a pumpkin murderer.

  3. Was Frances organic? I find that "crunchy" punkins tend to last much longer than those from the big supermarkets. It would also explain her ability to reincarnate

  4. I don't think my husband and I have ever owned a pumpkin that didn't liquefy. You must have magical pumpkin powers!

  5. You have mutant pumpkins!! Pumpkin botox, perhaps? I don't know.

  6. Beware of the angry pumpkin! I like the "not to be trusted" squashed squash!

  7. I love this! LOVE it! Love Frances too...but mostly because I'm afraid...

  8. The best part of this whole post is the fact that you drew in cleavage on a pumpkin.

  9. This reminds me of a British comic who has a sitcom and she makes fruit friends and veg friends and plays with them. She was also on a game show about this type of thing and it was hilarious:
    So fear not! You are not the only person to befriend a gourd!

  10. This was great. I mean, obviously Frances came back. A special bond between a girl and a pumpkin never really dies.

  11. I'm so glad Frances returned. As long as she doesn't go all nuts like that dog from Pet Semetary 2. You didnt get Francis from a pumpkin patch located on an Indian burial ground, right?

  12. It's weird that you wrote this because I tried this very thing. I put my pumpkin out on my deck. I waited for it to rot. It didn't for a very long time. I looked outside once a week or so and waited.
    And then?
    Because we live in the country?
    The delicious smells of permeating pumkin lifted into the sky and brought the coyotes and the racoons to my step.
    They tore that bitch up.

  13. If you're nice to it, maybe it will one day transform into a sweet ride. And then you can go to balls and things.

    (But beware, if seen disembarking such a conveyance people may say you've gone out of your gourd.)

  14. we usually find at least one pumpkin leftover from Halloween during the Spring thaw. It's a nice little discovery....much nicer than the thawing doggie turds.
    yep, went there.

  15. My pumpkin-best-friend took out an entire section of living room carpeting when she decided to liquify. She was always keeping me on my toes!

  16. That's quite a story. Reminds me of our little goose...


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