Wednesday, January 16, 2013

You Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone

You know what I miss? Cheesy pick up lines. I hate to say it, but I just don’t think they exist anymore.

And it’s our fault, ladies. We put too much pressure on men. Our standards are too high. It’s not enough that we expect them to be attractive, and smell good, and dress nice, and have a good job, and be funny. We also demand that the first thing they say to us ever be original. And witty. One, maybe two sentences that convey they are highly intelligent, yet have a sense of humor and know how to have a good time. Heck, if their come-on isn’t downright ingenious, we won’t even let them buy us a drink. No matter how much we like free alcohol.

Shame on us, ladies. Shame. On. Us. We didn’t know how good we had it. We didn’t know how bad it could get.

Gone are the days when a guy will toss out, “You must be tired. Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.”

But you know what? He’s right. I am tired. Tired of running away from creeps with pick up lines nothing short of psychotic.

You guys remember the dude who tried to ask me out using a large bird statue? That was bizarre at best, and, not surprisingly, it didn’t make me want to leave the husband and run off and make gargantuan bird babies with Fowl-Man. But as far as pick-up attempts go, that was mere bird seed compared to the gentleman who thought accusing me of being a cold-blooded killer would be the way to my, apparently murderous, heart.

About a week prior to the bird incident, I was at the liquor store (up until this day known as the happiest place on earth) purchasing two bottles of champagne for a Christmas brunch I was attending the next morning.

There were three people in front of me in line. The cashier delighted in having a very long conversation with the person she was checking out. Normally, this would have sent my impatience into overdrive, but I had just learned of the Sandy Hook tragedy a few hours earlier. If the worst thing that happens to me in life is waiting a little longer in line, then I will do it gladly.

I got out my phone and began the twitter, facebook, blog, email rounds. After a minute or two, I glanced up to see if the line had moved. It hadn’t. Cashier was still talking away.  The guy in front of me (who was purchasing a case of Busch Lite, in case anyone was wondering) thought this would be a perfect opportunity to turn to me and say, “Please don’t bash her in the head with your bottles.”

Uh, what?!?!???!?!

Surely I had heard him wrong. But he said it again.

“Please don’t bash her in the head with your bottles. You’ve got that look in your eye.” He turned to his friend, who was in front of him in line (also purchasing a case of Busch Lite), with a look that was all, heh heh, look at me, I’m talking to her.

I was beyond stunned. Seriously, dude? You’re hitting on me by telling me I look like someone who wants to assault, if not, murder another human being? That’s seven kinds of disturbing and I want nothing to do with you. 

I returned to my phone, occasionally glancing up to see if the line had moved. Every time I did, he’d start to say something to me. But I must have had that look in my eye – you know, the one that conveys I want to bash someone over the head with champagne bottles – because he shut his mouth and turned away.

Is this really what this world has come to? Pick up lines meant for serial killers and bird bangers?

Thanks, but no.

Just once, I’d like to be at the grocery store and have a guy ask me, “Come here often?” Because then I could say, “Yes. Yes, I do come here often, but I still don’t know where the frozen meatballs are. I’ve looked everywhere. Can you help me? And no, meatballs aren’t a euphemism for your meat and balls. I want actual meatballs. Mini ones. For my crockpot. And no, crockpot isn’t a euphemism for my vagina. And by the way, I’m happily married so please don’t take my asking for your help to mean I want to go out with you. I don’t. I don’t even want to continue talking to you. I’d actually really like for you to go away before I continue talking about my vagina with a total stranger. But not before you help me find the meatballs. Oh, and by the way. Thanks for the tired, cheesy, lame pick-up line. I really appreciate it.”

I realize that in that scenario someone still ends up looking like a crazy person. But that someone? Is me. A woman. Women are allowed to be crazy. In fact, we’re kinda supposed to be. But men? Men are supposed to be cheesy. And attractive, and smell good, and dress nice, and have a good job, and be funny.

And above all, know where the darn meatballs are!

No wonder this country is in disarray. We have gotten our gender roles confused. We, as a nation, will not survive if this continues. But fear not! Now that I have identified the problem and its solution, I’m going to get busy drafting a letter to the President citing the restoration of cheesy come-ons as the way to returning America to its former glory.

But first, let me ask you: Do you have a map? Cuz I keep getting lost in your eyes.

Tell me, what's your favorite cheesy pick-up line?

Comment gem!

I feel like you missed an important part of that pig search, in that the person felt the need to qualify "Pig..*the animal*...". As opposed to "Pig the Persian rug".



  1. Busch Lite dude really needs to work on his style there.

    I've never actually heard a pick up line in real life. Does that actually happen?

  2. The best (worst) I got was at college during a festival where everyone was drinking.
    Guy: Hey, are you drunk?
    Me: no.
    Guy: *whips out a beer* would you like to be?

  3. I just knew those years of attending university and frat keggers would pay off some day!! Boy...I could write a book.

    My fave: at one party, a particularly cute Delta Upsilon dude spilled his cheap red plastic cup o'beer on me and quickly quipped: "hey, how about I take you home and get you out of those wet things?"
    Um....tempted. slightly. based on speed and originality I had to give him a B+
    The strangest ever: when some weirdo asked me: "Have you ever been dipped in Woolite?" My face registers bafflement to this moment.

  4. I feel as though I never got the clever pick up lines in the single days. All I ever got was "Hi. Wanna fuck?"

  5. Strange guy, old enough to be my dad: "Hey, I've got this dog . . . and he could use some attention." (seriously not 2 seconds after I walked into the bar)

    Me: "Um. . . No, that's okay. I see my friends over there . . ."

    Strange guy: "He's just a pup."

    Me: "I don't think so."

    Strange guy: "He's really nice. He's a Rottweiler."

    Me: (done being nice) "Oh I hate Rottweilers. One attacked me as a kid."

    C.R.E.E.P.Y. But good for a laugh after the fact.

  6. I feel cheated that I have never been hit on with a cheesy pick up line. Maybe I always look like I am about to hit someone over the head with a champagne bottle, but just scary enough not to use that in a come-on. Or maybe its the holey yoga pants and no make-up. It's a mystery.

  7. You could have always just stuck your foot out and tripped him!!!! (as I have been known to do!)

  8. I've never been hit on randomly. Well, once. On a BART train by a guy in school to become a mortician. See why I don't count it?

  9. It has been a long, long time since I've heard any pick up lines but I still remember one from when I was young. A guy told me that I was "cuter than a seed tomato in a seed catalog." It was goofy, but definitely original! lol!

  10. If Hallmarkncan create cards where we can record our voices, why has the blow up doll not been outfitted with such technology? I should think this would solve the missing of funny, corny, old pick up lines. Just record your favorite for continuous play back!

  11. Bull crap!

    "And it’s our fault, ladies. We put too much pressure on men."

    More pressure -- I say! Lots and lots more pressure!

    It's like that stupid statement -- our grandchildren will be paying for our debt! So what, I say let them. This is their world, the one where celebrity is celebrated -- K. K. this sickening lump of flesh known as 'today's successful woman' -- again Bull crap! Make them pay, and pay, and pay.

    That's what's wrong with this world -- no one works for anything anymore. The more ridiculous, the more asinine the more acceptable!

    I'm tired of all of it -- you want me, WORK FOR IT. You want success -- WORK FOR IT! You want easy! WORK FOR IT!

  12. I've never gotten a cheesy pick-up line, but men have flirted with me similarly to how that man flirted with you.

    I guess because of that book that says that if you insult a girl and then ask her out afterwards, she'll be insecure enough to want to date you or something?

    It must be because I've had men call me fat or stupid and then ask me out afterwards. I'd be more likely to say yes to a cheesy pick-up line.

  13. One time, some creeper who clearly had a foot fetish kept telling me I had pretty feet. In the golf aisle. At Wal-Mart. And I was about 5 months pregnant. My feet couldn't have been that pretty. Ew.

  14. I've had a similar but less severe line used on me more than once. Apparently, some men think it's wise to approach a woman at a bar who looks like she doesn't want to be spoken to and say "You look like you don't want to be spoken to." "Well, in fact, you're correct, and I don't. Have a nice evening, sir."


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