Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh...Crap. I Don't Think I Was Ready for You




christmastree2

25 Days of Christmas Blogging
Day 4
 


The husband and I are fake tree people. As in fake Christmas trees. I'm not exactly sure why we chose fake over real. We just did. Which seems kind of irresponsible to me. I mean, why haven't we ever talked about it? We’ve discussed all other major life decisions: do we want kids, where should we live, which one of us is going to be the bread winner and which one is going to stay home and eat the bacon? It seems downright reckless that we would be so careless about our tree selection process.

But that's us, I guess. Living life dangerously.

This year, everything was going according to plan. We decided to put up our tree last Wednesday. On Monday, we had date night and there was some time to kill before the movie. There was a Christmas tree lot (a.k.a. tented section of the K-Mart parking lot), and the husband, knowing how much I love all things Christmas, suggested we take a walk through the trees. Just to look. Which is like telling a child you're taking them to a toy store just to look at the toys.

The trees were gorgeous and I found myself torn between wanting to buy them all and set them free. Seriously, is there anything more depressing than a parking lot full of dead trees? You know, besides hunger and poverty and homelessness and sickness and the state of humanity in general?

After fondling my 4,000th tree I asked the husband if we could get one.

The husband: Uh, no.

Me: Why?

The husband: Because we have a fake one.

Me: Why do we have a fake one? We never discussed it, we just bought one.

The husband: Ummm

Then I got distracted, probably by something shiny and/or chocolatey, and the conversation was over.

On Tuesday, we went to the gym to combat the 427 sticks of butter disguised as Christmas cookies we plan to consume this holiday season. After we'd gotten ourselves sufficiently sweaty, smelly and gross the husband declared that he needed to go to K-Mart. Which made me a little sad that we'd already had date night because Gym+ K-Mart = Best Date Ever.

He led me to the Christmas section where he selected a tree stand.

Me: Squee! We're getting a real tree?

The husband: Yeah, we'll get it tonight and decorate it tomorrow.

Me: What?! Tomorrow?! What are we going to do with the tree until then?

The husband: We'll leave it in the house.

Me: I can't have a tree up in my house and not decorate it.

The husband: We'll leave it on the floor.

Me: Just lying there all dead like?!! Without water and ornaments and lights!! Without fulfilling its destiny?!!

I continued freaking out because I have serious issues and should be heavily medicated at all times. The husband, who is used to me taking something fun and turning it into something stressful, was all, "Okay spaz, we'll get it tomorrow."

That night, I kept thinking we should talk about our decision. But I'm not even sure how one goes about bringing something like that up. It just seems awkward, kinda like when you wanna ask a girl if her boobs are real or fake. Usually, it's obvious but sometimes you just can't tell. I've certainly done my fair share of staring at a woman's chestal region, cocking my head from side to side like a dog whose owner is asking it questions in a high-pitched voice. I even ask the husband what he thinks and he's all, "You want me to look at another woman's breasts?" And I'm all, "I know. Coolest wife ever. But seriously, real or fake?"

As I was saying, once again we threw caution to the wind and acted impulsively. That’s like saying, "you know those seven different forms of birth control we’ve been using at the same time cuz we really REALLY don’t want kids. Well, tonight? Screw it!" And then nine months later having a toilet baby because OMG sex makes you pregnant?!

I'm not exactly sure what my point is. I'm having a tree baby in nine months? This post is spiraling out of control, much like the experience of buying and decorating a real tree. Honestly, they should come with a manual. And xanax.

Every time the husband cut a branch off the bottom in order to make it fit in the stand, I felt like I was punching a kitten. And did you know real trees don't like it when you stick a strand of 300 lights on one branch? And that ornament that feels like it weighs . 00000001 pounds? Actually weighs 287 tons and finding a branch to support it will require the collective effort of all the planet's rocket scientists. Or your husband.

Eventually, I left the ornament placing to him and sat on the couch with a bottle of wine.

It's been up less than a week and the branches are already seriously drooping. It's already tried crashing to the floor once (which we fixed by bolting it to the wall. true. story.) Neither one of us is confident it will make to Christmas. We're prepared for the possibility that we might have to take all the ornaments off, place it lovingly by the curb, and put the fake one up. 

Because sometimes you're real tree people, sometimes you're fake tree people and sometimes you're both.

***
Don't forget! I'm hosting a Blogger Ornament Exchange!
Send an ornament to another blogger, receive one from a mystery blogger. It's one part white elephant, one part secret santa, all parts AWESOME!
 
For more details read below or click here.

Send me an email to SarcasmGoddess (at) ymail (dot) com . Be sure to include your name, blog name and address.

I will randomly match up participants. You will know who you are sending the ornament to (duh!) but you will not know who will be receiving an ornament from. So it's one part white elephant, one part secret santa, all parts AWESOME!

  You can send any kind of ornament: wacky, tacky, silly or pretty. Just please try send something your recipient will actually want to hang it on their tree. (However, everyone should be prepared for the possibility that you may receive an ornament that doesn't quite fit your style/morals/life code, etc. The fun is in the exchange and the surprise of not knowing who your Secret Santa is and what you'll get!) You may want to consider sending something that represents your blog, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO. You can send any kind of ornament you want.

The deadline to participate is December 10th so that I have enough time to match everyone up and you guys have time to mail your ornaments before Christmas!


Comment gems!

I've been married 15 years (I know, I know...you look at my picture and think "She must have been a child bride! I'm so glad that Warren Jeffs guy is in prison." But, no.) and I have never thought to gift my husband a train set. To think...all this time.

Also, you should know this about me. I have horse teeth. So, maybe I could be on the Hallmark Channel? Dreams...


59 comments:

  1. Hahahah we've only done real trees in my house. Now that my sister has cats, it adds a whole new level of excitement/terror

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    Replies
    1. My cat used to climb our tree. Fun times. Every morning we would lure her into the bathroom with lettuce and lock her in to give our poor tree a break.

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  2. I have never had a real tree. My fear of it getting too dry and catching fire, and all those needles on the floor have curtailed that want for me. So instead I decorate my LIVING still in the ground trees in my yard.. and have my 3 fake trees in the house..

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    1. I have three trees to! Two are fake. They are doing well. The other one is a hot mess.

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  3. We are real tree people-love the selection process (intense), getting it home, the smell, decorating, sap, needles, falalala. We do have a small fake one too so actually maybe we are both. This year we have 3 total-1 big real, 1 small real, and 1 small fake. SO the next question is how many are TOO many??

    Also, I totally misread "do we want kids" as "we do want kids."

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    1. In my opinion, you can never have too many! I'm actually trying to think of a place to put up my fake one because I know it's totally sad not to be put up this year.

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  4. Right now, we're fake tree people. I barely have time to fucking feed my children, let alone a live tree.

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    Replies
    1. Uh yeah. So the whole 'watering the tree' thing is not going well.

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  5. We have a fake tree. We love the smell of real trees but they tend to make messes. One of my friends got one and it leaked sap all over their floor. So no thanks. I'll just get a pine scented candle.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, we have many of those. This real tree doesn't smell AT ALL.

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  6. I love this story! Haha -- especially about the 7 forms of birth control lol

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    1. I'm taking recommendations for an 8th. You can never be too careful.

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  7. So now you get the best of both worlds...a real tree for as long as it lasts (hoping for you that it lasts until Christmas!), and a fake tree as a stand in just in case the real one kicks it before the 25th. Your writing is hilarious, can't wait to read more of it.

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    1. Yes, but I have a gazillion ornaments on my tree and if I have to take them all off and start all over again I am going to be one cranky girl.

      And thanks!

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  8. I found this hysterical. Loved reading this! I miss having a real tree, but a fake one is SO EASY AND NICE!

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    1. Yes, it sure is. I will remember that next year.

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  9. Now that you bring it up, I haven't had the tree discussion with my husband either. Except that we still have time, because we haven't bought a tree yet. I'm kind of dreading the conversation, though. I get the feeling I'll be adamantly fake-tree and he'll be adamantly real-tree and we'll end up getting into a ring-down-brawl and signing divorce papers at the hospital. Or something.

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    Replies
    1. It wouldn't be Christmas unless someone ends up divorced or in the ER!

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  10. My Dad solved this problem thusly: he was always real tree, but real growing trees. In a little pot. Which he would then plant outside in the garden after Christmas. Mostly they died anyway.

    One lived. It is now bigger than the house. I recommend you stick with the fake trees.

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  11. Toilet baby made me laugh, so now I'm extra super glad there's no such place as hell.

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    1. There's nothing like thinking you're about to take the biggest dump of your life and having a baby instead. Is it really that hard to tell you're pregnant?!

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  12. OK, you are one seriously funny chick. You go set those dead trees free.

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  13. we do real trees! however we have a cat for the first time this year so I have a feeling we are going to have a new adventure. yay.....

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    Replies
    1. My cat used to climb the tree. And then it would fall down. You're going to have so much fun...

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  14. My sweet dear friend. You'll not ponder the idea of real trees next year. As you are frolicking through your living room next summer, in your monokini and swimming cap, you will suddenly feel a sharp pain in your left pinky toe. "What the hell was that?" you will scream as you hop around on one foot like Daniel Stern in Home Alone after stepping barefoot on Christmas ornaments. And as you scurry to your bathroom drawer for tweezers to pull the sharp and stinging object from your defenseless toe, you will realize that you've stepped on a pine needle. Yes, a pine needle. In July. In a monokini and swimming cap. This will happen several more times thoughout the next decade. Because you'll never be rid of pine needles after having a real tree. You CAN quote me on dat.

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    1. Yes, I agree. Though I haven't stabbed myself, I've definitely found myself vacuuming my living room for the 100th time that year (wait--the math doesn't make that right--the 30th time that year) and still found those needles! But I can't quit the real trees. I love. I hug. (Literally.) I get the idea of fake, but I want the smell and the sap and, yes, the needles of real.

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    2. I am so in love with this comment I want to marry it.

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  15. And PS- I'm sharing this post with my family and friends. Because you're so effing funny that you deserve to be shared. You also deserve to be on television.

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  16. holy crap....there's 7 kinds of birth control!!!??
    no wonder I got 3 kids.

    I love my real tree. Put enough lights and tinsel on that pine scented sucker - the kids are mesmerized for hours! It's a far better babysitter than the TV.
    And that's the real reason they call it "the most wonderful time of the year."

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    Replies
    1. There sure are! Or maybe I just use the same one 7 times.

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  17. I love your humor and hope to see you on yeahwrite some more. Your comment about needing to be heavily medicated at all times resonated with me and have me a chuckle.

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    1. From one medicated girl to another, thank you!

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  18. ~snicker~ reading this made me feel like I was in Holden Caufield's English class where they're supposed to yell 'Digression!' every time someone veers off topic but he doesn't want to because he likes it when that happens. Basically, I love your spazzy hilarious writing...

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    1. Hmmm... when would you say I digressed? The fake vs. real boobie debate? I think that was right on topic! ;)

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  19. We usually had a real tree before we moved to Florida. We actually went out to a "tree farm" walked around acres of land looking for the PERFECT tree, usually freezing our feet, hands and many other small appendages before I would finally look at the husband and say---lets go get the first one I liked! And then there was the year that the weather stayed "warm" (as warm as it can be in Pennsylvania in November) and we brought the tree home, decorated it, and a week later discovered that there were thousands of little black spiders crawling all over the tree, the ornaments, the ceiling fan and anything with reach. And that discovery happened when we had friends and family in for the evening. A few hours later, and one full can of Raid......Last real tree ever!!!!

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    Replies
    1. This made me think of Christmas Vacation where Aubrey's eyes are too frozen to see the Griswold Family Christmas tree.

      And also, OH EM GEE, spiders! My husband would pass out and die and I'd follow soon after.

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  20. Too funny! I'll reread this post when I get the urge for a real tree. We're fake tree people over here. With an evergreen scented candle to keep it "real." ;)

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  21. Strangely, my boyfriend and I actually HAVE had a serious discussion over whether we should have fake trees or real trees on Christmas.

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    1. As you should! It is not something to take lightly. As I found out...

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  22. So, I wasn't going to comment on this post because I felt like I might be coming off a little stalker-esque, but then I got up today all excited to read and...no new post. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to remind you that you promised 25 days of posts and you need to get on that shit. Because you're...dare I say it?...my new favorite blog. Because I, too, should be heavily medicated at all times. Sisterhood! And also, I'm a fake tree person. Like it or not, that is a true dividing line in society.

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    1. I'm truly sorry for slacking on my shit! And please, be a stalker. It gets me all hot and bothered. Or, you know, something less creepy.

      Delete
  23. Loved this post. We are fake tree people for sure.

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  24. This was seriously hilarious. We're real tree people but the thing about real trees is you have to delay gratification and purchase the tree a bit later otherwise by the time Christmas rolls around your presents are just sitting there hanging out under kindling.

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  25. This was so funny! We have done both. I used to be a die hard real tree person until my husband came home with a fake one. It was so easy. And clean. And the lights were perfect. And the branch spacing perfect. I'm kind of a convert. I can always put a bunch of wreaths up for the smell :)

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  26. We only do real. Never had a conversation before that decision was made either. We got married and the first Christmas, we walked to a tree lot in the city. Done. Make no mistake...the tree falls down every now and then. It usually happens during the night. The sound is unmistakable...you'll know. Fun post!

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  27. Why have I just found you now? I think I love you. I love the shiney/chocolately line and the getting to stay home and eat the bacon line. So much wonderfulness here! Right now, I do fake just because my mom gave me her old artificial Christmas tree and I can be a cheap bitch. Whatev. Happy Holidays! I love, love, love your ornament exchange idea too. Sent you my details. This post was so much fun! Looking forward to reading more from you now that I have discovered you! :)

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  28. I do the real tree thing - mostly because I don't have any room to store a fake one the other 51 weeks of the year. Also, those fake trees get really dusty...

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  29. Yay for humor and fake trees! I love it. Come back to yeah write every week!

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  30. I grew up with a real tree, but we didn't buy it until almost Christmas. My Dad always was able to pick one that was still fresh and on sale. ;)

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  31. I was so excited to see you on the grid this week. This was so damn funny. Thank you for making me laugh until I snort. Great way to start the morning.

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  32. No real trees here. I don't harvest plants unless I intend to eat them (please don't tell that to the veggies from my garden, ok?). Plus, the only time I've ever decorated a real tree was the first Christmas after hubby and I met and it was his parent's tree. I'm so allergic that I broke out in a wicked case of hives just from trying to hand ornaments. And then the hives triggered an asthma attack. So I was really impressive with my polka dotted skin and the coughing/choking/wheezing. I definitely put my best foot forward for that occasion, huh?

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  33. This is precisely how I would describe my relationship with my husband too.-->The husband, who is used to me taking something fun and turning it into something stressful, was all, "Okay spaz, we'll get it tomorrow." Type A, meet Type B. Sometimes his mellowness *cough procrastination* annoys me, but I would kill myself in male form, so everything worked out for the best.

    We bolted a Christmas tree to the wall once, after all 11 feet of it fell on us while we were sitting on the couch watching TV.

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  34. We're fake tree people.
    My husband is allergic to real ones. I'd always dreamed of a real one but after reading this I'm ok with missing out.
    Come back to the fake side friend.

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  35. It's good to know thine self. :) And I can't believe I forgot your ornament exchange. Bummed. Ellen

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