Monday, December 3, 2012

Everything I Need to Know About Christmas, I Learned From the Hallmark Channel



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25 Days of Christmas Blogging
Day 3


Since before Thanksgiving, I have been watching Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. A lot of movies. All day long.

In related news, I have not done laundry, washed dishes, made the bed, or gone grocery shopping since before Thanksgiving. I have watched many of the same movies twice. And thrice. Did you know there are endless ways to tell the exact same story? I didn't either. Until I met the Hallmark Channel. I've learned a lot from them. In fact, I would even venture to say that Everything I Need to Know About Christmas, I Learned From the Hallmark Channel:

1. Christmas is in constant danger of not existing. And by "not existing" I mean Santa doesn't get to deliver his presents to darling, deserving children. Screw time with family, singing carols, feelings of gratitude, lights, food, decorations, and everything else. Christmas doesn't exist without Santa.

2. Christmas is always saved in time. Thank goodness. Usually by a child, because adults are too jaded and cynical to believe in Santa and miracles. So instead of fixing the jolly fat man's sleigh, or helping him regain his memory, or finding his magical bag of toys, they work too much, ignore their families and write snarky posts about Christmas.

3. Kathy Ireland is a terrible actress, but she is pretty so we forgive her.

4. Brooke Burns is a mediocre actress and is pretty, so we like her. Even though she has horse teeth.

5. You want to fall in love at Christmas? Good news! You will! But with the wrong person. Muahahahaha. Falling in love is tough any time of year, but the relationship pranksters that lurk in the holly decked halls make it especially difficult.

6. What's worse, the person you do fall in love with is the very person who's trying to end the yuletide shenanigans you so dearly love. *gasp* Say it ain't so!

7. Oh it is so. But have no fear, your Holiday Hero is here! You know, the guy who follows you around all dopey-eyed and smiley-faced? The one who knows exactly what you want for Christmas - world peace and ALL THE PUPPIES!? The one who listens to you and is there for you and HAS BEEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE THE WHOLE TIME? He's your Holiday Hero and he loves you and FYI you love him and hugs, smoochy face, and baby making. The end.

8. Ladies, having trouble finding the perfect gift for your sweetie this year? Tie? Cologne? Those jeans that make his tush look seven kinds of biteable? All those ideas suck. Train set. He wants a train set. Even if he says Superbowl tickets, or a trip to Bermuda, or front row seats at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, what he really wants is a chugachuga chugachuga choo choo. 


9. However, make sure it comes with a box of tissues for him and a bottle of Vodka for you because there’s a whole lot of emotional shit tied to that locomotive. Like, it was his mother’s dying wish that he have it. Or, his father wasn’t around when he was little so he would sit by the tree and watch the train go round and round, imagining Pappy as the Conductor and he as the whistle blower. *single tear sliding down his cheek*

10. Snow globes are the answers to all problems, not just at Christmas, but year round. Without one, you should just quit life because it will suck. Lost your Christmas spirit? Shake a snow globe, and surprise! It's back!. Can't find your Holiday Hero in a crowded shopping mall? Shake a snow globe, and surprise! There he is, looking whistfully at a train set! Didn't get that promotion? Shake a snow globe, and surprise! You suck at your job! But at least you have Christmas spirit!

11. Christmas is the perfect time to dupe your family members. Don't have a boyfriend? Tell them you do. Not getting married? Tell them you are. Just got fired? Tell them you got promoted. You're a Christian and your fake fiance is Jewish? Tell his parents that you're changing religions. It will make them so very happy... before it makes them so very sad. Bonus points for deceiving a dying relative into believing you are fulfilling their last wish. And remember, the more devastating the truth will be when it's finally set free, the more enjoyable the holiday experience for everyone...eventually.

12. And lastly, there are really only two ways one can feel about Christmas: cheerful and optimistic or jaded and asshattery. I must warn you, if you choose the latter, you will eventually end up cheerful and optimistic so you might as well start there and save a lot of people a lot of trouble. Then again, if you did, what would I watch on t.v. 24 hours a day for the next three weeks?

***
Don't forget! I'm hosting a Blogger Ornament Exchange!
Send an ornament to another blogger, receive one from a mystery blogger. It's one part white elephant, one part secret santa, all parts AWESOME!
 
For more details read below or click here.

Send me an email to SarcasmGoddess (at) ymail (dot) com . Be sure to include your name, blog name and address.

I will randomly match up participants. You will know who you are sending the ornament to (duh!) but you will not know who will be receiving an ornament from. So it's one part white elephant, one part secret santa, all parts AWESOME!

  You can send any kind of ornament: wacky, tacky, silly or pretty. Just please try send something your recipient will actually want to hang it on their tree. (However, everyone should be prepared for the possibility that you may receive an ornament that doesn't quite fit your style/morals/life code, etc. The fun is in the exchange and the surprise of not knowing who your Secret Santa is and what you'll get!) You may want to consider sending something that represents your blog, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO. You can send any kind of ornament you want.

The deadline to participate is December 10th so that I have enough time to match everyone up and you guys have time to mail your ornaments before Christmas!
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Comment gem!

I think I need to participate in this ornament exchange... but only if I can find a vagina or bacon ornament.

32 comments:

  1. I am slightly concerned because I have gotten the sweetie a train set every year for four years straight, but the movies assure me that this is the best plan. This year I will aim for a working replica of a bullet train to keep things exciting (and possibly create some touching Christmas hospital drama relating to broken ankles).

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    1. Rest assured, you are following the right "track." And hospital drama is always good! Especially when it involves your sweetie and Christmas. So romantic.

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  2. Oh. Em. Gee. This is hilarious! I hope you don't mind, I'm linking this. If it's not okay, just let me know. Until then...bite me, I'm doing it.
    And there are no curmudgeon ornaments, so I guess I'm outta luck.

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    1. Thanks for the link Kirby this is hilarious Cheers Frances

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    2. Hallmark totally approves of linking. As do I. You can send any kind of ornament - maybe you should send a non curmudgeon one just to throw everyone off. After all, Christmas is all about surprises.

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  3. This was funny..wish we got the hallmark channel in Canada, then I would have an excuse for all the cleaning I am not doing.
    I admit I have watched the 12 Dates of Christmas..and loved it..oh well what is Christmas if not a time to delude ourselves haha cheers Frances

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    1. I'm pretty sure that's the meaning of Christmas: self-delusion.

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  4. Coming over from Kirby's blog...this is hilarious and pretty much sums up the Hallmark Channel!

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    1. Thank you! Glad I got it right. I did extensive "research."

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  5. Ha!!! I can't handle the super cheesy christmas tv movies. BUT I do watch Love Actually dutifully every season.

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    1. Me too! It makes me happy and sad at the same time.

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  6. Oh my goodness... you mean to say there is more out there than It's A Wonderlife Life, Home Alone, Die Hard and Charlie Brown? Why don't I have this channel in my life?
    The ornament exchange sounds so fun! Will it matter if we live in Canada? Not sure what the cost to ship an ornament across border would be???

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    1. I'm not sure about the shipping either, but I'll check. I really want you to participate! What's your zip code (it's that what you call it there?)

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  7. Um...there's a Hallmark Channel?

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  8. I've been married 15 years (I know, I know...you look at my picture and think "She must have been a child bride! I'm so glad that Warren Jeffs guy is in prison." But, no.) and I have never thought to gift my husband a train set. To think...all this time.

    Also, you should know this about me. I have horse teeth. So, maybe I could be on the Hallmark Channel? Dreams...

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    1. Are you a good actor? If so, you probably won't make the cut. But you go for it girl! Christmas is all about miracles. And Santa. Ok, mostly about Santa and little bit about miracles.

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  9. I watch all the sappy, bad-acting Christmas movies, too! ABC Family and Lifetime channels for all your holiday gosh-golly gee whiz, ain't life grand movies.
    PS - if you succeed in your 25 days straight of Christmas blogging, you will be my new hero.

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  10. Hello Sarcasm, lol! I've been on hiatus and now I'm back doing the rounds. This post could be reposted for RFW's Holiday Spirit Blogfest. It's great. Have you washed a few dishes yet?

    The ornament exchange sounds good. :D

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  11. Christmas Lovers! Get your Christmas Lovers here! Get 'em now while they're on sale! Why go to that holiday party alone when you can bring an enviably gorgeous douchebag? Get 'em now while they're on sale! Offer only lasts until Jan 2.

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    1. I'll take two douchebags please, with an extra side of douche.

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  12. Love this! For some reason, I have been watching a shit ton of cheesy Hallmark channel holiday movies this year too. When they were all ones I already saw, I had to resort to Lifetime, where I watched the Christmas Consultant starring .... wait for it ... David Hasselhoff! What a pile of shit. I had to write a whole blog post on Monday just bitching about this movie. But I'm going to admit, I think Annie Claus is Coming to Town was kind of cute. I'm such a geeky bitch. :)

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    1. I looooove Annie Claus is Coming To Town. I watch it every time it comes on and I kinda want to own it.

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  13. Ho Ho Ho! I'm glad you got this onto our Holiday Spirit Blogfest list!

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  14. So that's what I'm doing wrong: I haven't had a sno globe in years.

    .........dhole

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  15. I've been the same, watching Christmas movies on Hallmark channel. While they're not always great, I just love the idea of Christmas and the magic it brings to our life, even if it's just in the movies :)

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  16. I've been wasting time torturing the family with Christmas music non-stop since Dec 1--didn't even think of making them watch Christmas movies on loop! They'll be glad for Dec 26.

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  17. I think I've just gained 10 degrees of awesomeness just by finding you!

    Visiting from The Holiday Spirit blogfest.

    thriftshopcommando.blogspot.com

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  18. Snow globes are magical. Great post!

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  19. HI, S.G.,

    Dropping in from the RFW... YOU, have a DELICIOUS and almost evil sense of humor ... LOVE IT! I cracked up about three times during the reading. WELL DONE! I really needed a good laugh.

    I must SHAKE THAT SNOW GLOBE! LOL. All will be perfect... right? "SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAK, ... SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, ... SHAKE THAT SNOW GLOBE. SHAKE THAT SNOW GLOBE."

    HAVE AN ECSTATIC HOLIDAY.

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  20. January 3rd, 2013
    What fun!
    I happened to see some of these movies on the Hallmark channel at my brother's house just before Christmas. I have mixed feelings about them. Sitting around watching these movies was not my idea of celebrating or preparing for Christmas. It made me very sad and nostalgic for a time in my childhood when we all got together and made things and TOLD stories to each other while we worked!
    Hope you are well and happy!
    Anna

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