Monday, December 10, 2012

All I Want For Christmas is For You to Learn Math

25 Days of Christmas Blogging
Day 10 

I am not a patient person. In this way, I am my father’s daughter.  I don’t say that because I am blaming him for this character flaw trait. I say it to point out that my extreme impatience is part of my DNA, something I can’t control. Something that is most certainly not my fault, and therefore something you cannot judge me for.

Hahaha! So there!


I also have the worst luck when it comes to picking lines: line at the grocery store, line to pay the toll, line to use the restroom. It doesn’t matter how short the line I choose is, and how long all the other lines are, I still spend the next 4,000 hours of my life in line.


Instead of looking at the really long line of people and thinking, they must know something I don't.
I think, what a bunch of dodos. Why would they pick such a long line? Wouldn't they rather have their free bacon sooner? 

So, I smugly choose the smaller line and think about how much more superior I am than everyone else.

I could abandon my line for the now empty line, but I don't... on a matter of principle. I chose the right line, dammit! I'm going to stay here to get my free bacon even if I have to wait all night.

I used to not care so much about principles. I'd hop from short line, to shorter line, throwing elbow jabs and stepping on toes in my effort to take care of my business and get on with my life.  When I finally landed in the SHORTEST LINE OF ALL, I'd look back at my original line to see that the line gods had played a nasty little trick on me, and, had I stayed put, my happy little ass would be on its way out the door, not STUCK IN ANOTHER EFFING LINE.

So now I stick my principles. Usually.

Last weekend, I went to Macy's to buy an ornament for an ornament exchange party. They were half off so I joyously selected 12 one and got in line. There was only one lady in front me. I did a quick scan of the area to see if there was a free register. The only one in my view had two people in line. I happily stayed put. Just one little old lady in front of me. How long could she take?

Old Lady: Which of these coupons can I use?

Cashier: Any of them. All of them are good, but you can only use one.

Old Lady: Well how much is this nightgown?

Cashier: $27.

There was lots more talk about asking for individual prices of each of the items she had in her hand. And if any of them were on sale. And if she could use a coupon for any of them. And which coupons she could use. She finally decided not to get the nightgown. I have no idea what else she had in her hands, but she was very concerned about not paying a penny more than she had to.

Old Lady: Which one of these coupons will save me the most money?

Cashier: This one's for 15% off and this one's for 25% off.

Old Lady: Mmm hmm, so which one will save me more money?

This was when I Lost. My. Shit. Which will save her more money?! Last time I checked, 25 was a bigger number than 15 so, you know, maybe use the one with 25 on it. That's just a guess though, cuz you know, numbers are hard, and percentages are even harder and has anyone seen my knife?

Honestly, if you are over the age of twelve and don't know how numbers work you should never be allowed to leave your house. Ever.

I started taking deep, calming breaths while the old lady apologized to the cashier for being such a bother. May I just say that I deserved a freaking medal for not screaming, "YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO ME!" The cashier said that it was okay. That she had three small children so she was used to people being annoying asshats. (I may or may not have imagined her using the phrase 'annoying asshats.')

At which point I was all *snicker, snicker* she just compared you to a small child. But the old lady failed to see the insult and was all, "Oh, children. How lovely. What are their ages?"

Cashier: Nine, six and three.

Old Lady: Nine, six and three! Those are the best ages!

Oh yes. The best. I totally agree. Let's talk about how great those ages are for the next five freaking minutes.

I looked over at the other register. There was only one person left in line. I thought seriously about jumping ship, but then I remembered my principles.

It was finally time for the old lady to pay. She was about to be out the door and on her way when the cashier had the nerve to ask, "Will you be paying for this with your Macy's card?"

Old Lady: Oh! I save more money if I do, right? In that case, I'll get the nightgown.

Well hallelujah! The nightgown will have a home for the holidays. It's a Christmas miracle.

The old lady handed over her credit card, the cashier ran it and asked what the old's lady's zip code was.

Old Lady:, 853...golly I forget.

I couldn't take it any longer. I looked at the other register. No one was in line! I ran as fast as I could and got there just in time...for a spry old bat to dash in front of me. The cashier rings up her purchase and that spry old bat, you know what she does?

Wait for it...

She plops an envelope on the counter, pulls out a bunch of paper and says...

"Now which one of these coupons will save me more money?"

And then my head exploded and I died.

The end.

Comment gem!

I have an unhealthy obsession with "A Muppet Christmas Carol." That's some quality cinema right there.

And I have grown to despise any Christmas movie centered around canines. "Santa Paws" and "The Christmas Puppy" are right up there with "Barney" and root canals for me.


  1. How ironic that the Google doodle today features some archaic math chick. My husband is drooling, thinking that once upon a time a girl liked math. One girl. In the 1800s.

  2. I wish more girls like math. Then I wouldn't have to fantasize about hitting them over the head as they spend twenty minutes in line trying to figure out how coupons work. Argh!

  3. This is why I don't shop. I always pick the wrong line. Always.

  4. So far I've picked the wrong parents, the wrong career, the wrong husband, the wrong children, the wrong hobby, and always, but always the wrong line! :)

  5. Holeeeeeee Shit. I'm terrible at math, but I'm not so bad that I can't figure out which coupon would wind up saving more money. That's usually the kinda shit that happens to me. On both sides of the counter. Yeah. FML.

  6. This happens to me a lot. It happened at Staples a while back and I swear, I was ready to stab myself in both eyes with a dull pencil.

    1. I like that you chose a dull pencil. Blunt force trauma is the way to go in these situations.

  7. Oh. My. God. I probably would have just left the store. Department store lines make me homicidal.

    1. I really should have, but apparently I really, really wanted those ornaments.

  8. I completely suck at math, but even I know how numbers work in relation to each other.


  9. Oh Em Gee, SG! You'll never believe this. At this very moment is a post that I drafted on Saturday about this *exact* situation. Only it was Kohls, and the lady in front of me didn't know what email was and it had to be explained to her from the ground up...and I was suffering with that awful hangover, and I got chest pains and nearly fell into a shopping cart. Seriously. I'm going to post it this week. I'm totally not copying you, I pinky swear it.
    Eff lines.

  10. Math is only useful in school and during family get-togethers. Otherwise, it's completely useless. That's what the cashier is there for. To do math for you.


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