Monday, November 19, 2012

This Year, I Promise Not to Give You Worms

If you've been around my blog for awhile you know that Thanksgiving in my house is all about the dramatics. I don't intend for it to be drama filled. I intend for it to be chill and cool and "hey man relax, sit down, have a drink and just chillll." But what is it they say about the road to hell? It's paved with good intentions. And in my case setting my oven on fire, and super gluing my finger to my forehead, and yanking on frozen turkey wieners.

And intestinal worms.

And diarrhea. So. Much. Diarrhea.

Thanksgiving Day isn't even here yet and this holiday is already taking on a disturbing theme.

I was determined that this year would be different. In past years, I planned and prepped and wrote lists -  SO MANY LISTS! - but this year it would all pay off. This year everything would go according to said plans. I would remember to thaw the turkey. And I wouldn't lose my lists. And I would be the Thanksgiving Day WINNER!

But we all know my sanity hangs by a very thin thread and one small pull, one tiny tear can cause it all to unravel. This year's culprit of the Lose My Mind Spectacular is a small tear in the turkey bag. I noticed it when I took the turkey out of the freezer and put it into the fridge to thaw.

Gasp! Did you say thaw?

Oh yes I did. I remembered to thaw the turkey this year. Bonus points for me times a thousand.

But! (and what a big but it is) The tear got me to wonderin'. My turkey is exposed to the "elements." Is it growing evil bacteria? Will that bacteria fester over the next few days forming one giant bacteria villain? If I feed the bacteria villain to my family will they die? So, I did what any sane, rational person does in times of crisis. I turned to facebook. Because we all know facebook advice has never landed anyone in the ER.

As I suspected, people were most helpful.

My friend Scotty said: Depends...do you keep your fridge at room temperature? Is it full of howler monkeys flinging poo? If not...you'll be fine.

I responded that of course my fridge isn't kept at room temperature and it's obviously full of poo-flinging howler monkeys as that is a standard fridge feature. 

Kristi asked if I planned on feeding them a raw bird. To which I was all, of course not, I tried that last year and everyone had a fit. Way to be thankful guys. I have no choice but to cook the bird this year. Honestly, the things you do for the people you love.

And then, Jessica said: "The things you do for the ones you love." Like not giving them all worms or the poops? It can be tough. Just call it a Thanksgiving bonus.

And I was all, Exactly. Now when they say I've never given them anything, I can say, "Sometimes it's the things you don't get that mean the most. Remember that time when I DIDN'T give you worms?"

I'm pretty sure that's what Thanksgiving is all about, you guys. Not giving people worms. 

It may be about diarrhea, though. The husband is thinking about running in a 5K Turkey Trot along with some of our friends on Thanksgiving morning. Every time I hear them talk about it I can't help but think about them all having the trots (which is pretty much the most disgusting image you can have about your friends and your husband).

I said this to the husband and he was all, "what are you talking about?"

Me: You know, the trots.

The husband: Huh?

Me: When someone has diarrhea they call it the trots. 

The husband: I have never heard that before.

Me: I FEEL LIKE OUR WHOLE MARRIAGE IS A LIE!

Then the husband looked up The Trots on Urban Dictionary and read things that were so gross, I covered my ears and ran screaming from the room. 

In conclusion, here's what we learned: Despite all my efforts, my Thanksgiving will never be drama free; sometimes the best thing you can do for people is give them nothing, especially when it comes to worms; and Thanksgiving and diarrhea may or may  not be mutually exclusive. It really depends on who's doing the cooking. In my house, it's me. 

My family is so lucky. 

7 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha! Can't believe the husband had never heard of the trots!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I haven't heard of the trots, either, but maybe because I've heard them called the runs, which, in reference to a 5K makes more sense...? Anyway, I hope you have a happy and worm-free Thanksgiving!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't even want to know exactly how undercooked your bird was to cause all of that. No really I don't. I always thaw mine in water the night before. I know it says not to but I am a daredevil like that....here is hoping you don't have the trots..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good grief, girl. Turkey day drama! lol Hope everything turns out well for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I must find a way to work "poo-flinging howler monkeys" into a conversation. It would be even better if it were with a stranger.

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.