Friday, November 30, 2012

Rage-aholic, Reporting for Duty

It has come to my attention that I have rage issues. Particularly when it comes to roads and the assholes who drive on them.

If you want my opinion the test to get your driver's license does not ask the right questions. If I were in charge, the questions would look something like this:

1. Do you think the world revolves around you?

2. Do you think driving is the perfect time to:
a. pluck your nose hair
b. train a puppy
c.shave your legs
d. play "look, ma! no hands!"
e. all of the above

3. Are you an asshole?

4. Are you, in general, too dumb to function?

5. Do you think driving ten miles below the speed limit in the fast line is your right as an Amurican citizen?

6. In your spare time, do you
a. kick puppies
b. knock down old ladies
c. steal candy from children
d. all of the above

If you answered "yes" or selected choices a - e, congratulations! You are douchenugget and will no longer be allowed to leave the house. Ever.

Unfortunately, I don't rule the world (yet) and I'm forced to tolerate these driving menaces. And by "tolerate" I mean curse, scream, shout, and throw my hands up in rage. In other words, I turn into The Hulk.


Topping my list of driving behaviors that piss me right off is people who drive soooo damnnnn slooooow. I'm not asking to go 120 mph. I'd just like to go the SPEED LIMIT in the FAST LINE on 95. If you like to take in the scenery of trees, tire bits and rotting animal carcasses, there's a lane for you. It's on the right. Get yourself there immediately. Do not pass GO and do not collect two hundred dollars.

Speaking of slow drivers, here's a news flash: If you want to merge onto the highway you need to SPEED UP! As in, GO FASTER! I know word problems are hard, but this one's pretty straight forward. You travel north going 30 miles an hour. Everybody else also travels north but goes 70+ miles an hour. You need to merge with everybody else but do not speed up. At what time do you cause an accident?

Immediately. See how easy that was? If your foot is allergic to the gas pedal, I implore, stay home. Scratch your balls, pick your teen, clean out your toe jam. Just stay off the highway.

I reserve a special sort of fury for people who cut you off like they're in some big, important hurry then proceed to slow down as soon as they're in front of you.  So. Much. Rage.

I know what you're thinking. Instead of sitting around bitching about it, why don't you do something about it?

And to that I say, I couldn't agree more. In fact, I've already come up with a terrific plan.

Rockets.

The lack of rockets on motor vehicles is a huge oversight by car manufacturing companies. I mean, it works out well for fighter jets, right? Offending driver comes within view? Deploy rocket and BOOM! Problem solved.

I was all ready to patent this idea but then the husband informed me that he was pretty certain blowing up cars on the highway is illegal.

Way to poop on my parade, dude.

I guess I'll just have to get idiots off the road the old fashioned way: by calling highway patrol. Which is exactly what I did a few weeks ago when the car in front of me was swerving all over the road. I don't know if the driver was drunk, high, tweezing his knuckles, or had a toy gun shoved up his ass.

What? You haven't heard of that story? Apparently some guy decided driving would be the perfect time to pleasure himself. But he wasn't satisfied with a little up, down, up, down, left, right, over the river and through the woods action. No, he needed props to ensure his highway masturbatory experience reached full throttle.

So, he tied a string around his wiener and tied the other end to the trigger of a toy gun, which he shoved up his poop shoot. Every time he gave his wiener a little wanky wanky, it pulled the trigger and stimulated his...well, you get the idea.

True. Story. Honestly, people, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the erratic driver that I witnessed was up to, but he was a danger to everyone else on the road and I have no patience for that shit. If you want to kill yourself, do it on your own time. Other people would like to live to see their great Aunt Sally's 80th birthday, or the football game they're headed to, or maybe they just want to get home, prop their feet up and eat a pound of bacon and a bag of Oreos. 

The husband dialed *FHP and I reported (via bluetooth) the bad driver. I know being a tattletale isn't very "cool" but in this case, it could save lives. And saving lives is like, one of the coolest things evah! So, yay me! I'll take a cookie please.

I'm not trying to be a bitch, it just comes naturally  and I get it. Really, I do. Driving can be scary-wawry. Especially on the big, bad highway where all the cars go zoom zoom. But if you haven't graduated to the big girl or boy panties, do us all a favor and move over. Better yet, stay off the road. The rest of us have places to be.

Editor's note: It should go without saying that this post is one of satire. The Sarcasm Goddess is not actually endorsing blowing up cars or any other acts of road rage, nor does she actually want to do harm to other drivers on the road. But she will call the cops on your ass if you're driving badly. So keep those hands at two and ten. Buckle up. Don't drink and drive. Don't text and drive. Use your turn signal. And above all Be Kind; Rewind.

Comment gems!
Spider bites on penis. Huh. Get out, dude. Just get the hell out.

Meme in ya butt. But of course. I mean, where else?

18 comments:

  1. Ha! Imaginary rockets are a GREAT idea. What about old people who get their gas confused with the brake??! THAT HAPPENS WAY TOO OFTEN AND WE NEED TO BE MORE CONCERNED. That is all.

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  2. I'm surprised someone hasn't already patented that anal gun-string mechanism and called it something like "The Lone Ranger's Backdoor Load Shooter."

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    Replies
    1. Bahahah! You should patent it. You will be a kajillionaire!

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  3. Heh. Don't even get me started.

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  4. In Ireland in the seventies, there was such a backlog of people waiting for driving tests that they just decided to send everyone out a licence. I'm not even joking. There are a whole generation of people out there who have never, ever sat a test of any kind. I was in a car with one once. ONCE.

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    Replies
    1. You have got to be kidding me. Although, honestly, for all the idiots on the road, you'd think they do that here.

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  5. I swear to God that people around here brake for LEAVES. Puppies or kittens? Yes, by all means. People? Okay, sure, I'll give you that one. LEAVES? HTF did you get a license you asshat?!

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  6. Yeah, I share this pet peeve. I hate being tailgated too though, and have run more than one person off the road by slamming on the brakes (this was pre-kids; I wouldn't do it now). Why is it so freakin' difficult to just follow the flow of traffic and stay in the correct lane? Not right at or below the speed limit. Not 30 km over it. That 10-20km over sweet spot that EVERYONE else is driving at - there ya go. Not rocket science.

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    Replies
    1. People who tailgate make me very ragey! Get off my butt, people! Argh.

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  7. I scream at other drivers from pretty much the second I get my seatbelt fastened. If I don't teach my kids anything other than how to spot an idiot on the road, I'd say I've done my job.

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  8. I have worked pretty hard over the years to keep my temper on a slightly even keel, but on the road is the one place where I want people to spontaneously combust, but then I always feel the need to add a caveat about the whole not wanting their now flammable death machine to hurt anyone else, because who wants to ill wish the innocent? But my biggest pet peeve is the people who are so freakin meticulous about staying at or UNDER the speed limit but don't use their blinkers or stay in their lanes, drives me abso bonkers!! Which one is more dangerous?? Sheesh people...seriously...

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    Replies
    1. I think people who drive under the speed limit are more dangerous than those who drive over!

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  9. My Mark says everyone should have to learn to drive in Southern California where everyone drives bumper to bumper at 70 mph. It's true, I've witnessed it. It is a crazy phenomenon. He goes on to say that if you don't "go with the flow", other drivers will just go Rodney King on your ass. Problem solved.

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  10. It has long been my belief (and nobody has ever challenged me on this) that the qualifications for passing a driving test in Brooklyn require having absolutely no ability to drive and having a really really bad attitude. Judging by this post, I'm thinking these qualifications may apply to other places as well.

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.