Monday, October 8, 2012

You Googled What? - It's All About the Boobies Edition

Before we get to all the weirdos on the internets, I have an announcement to make! You've heard me talk about my Just Plain Awesome bloggy friend Just Jennifer. Well just when I think she can't get any more awesome, she does.

On Saturday, she talked about me on her blog. In fact, she made a pretty big announcement about a recent project of mine. I had planned on mentioning it here, on my blog, on the same day, but I was out of town and my internet decided to crap out on me, which means I also wasn't able to tweet, facebook, instagram, or text. As if that wasn't a big enough sign that the world was ending, I went to a bar and ordered cheesy bacon fries. When the waitress delivered them they were missing the bacon. We promptly (and hysterically) reported the gross oversight and she promised to bring us a plate of bacon.

But she never did.

And then it became clear.

The Bacon Apocalypse was upon us.

It's amazing I even have the strength to type this post, what with my body's lack of pig fat consumption. It's like I'm learning how to live all over again.

I've digressed.

The point is, Just Jennifer is amazing times infinity and you should head on over to her blog to read about the Very Awesome Thing about me that she announces. It may or may not have something to do with my vagina.

(P.S. It has nothing to do with my vagina. Why would you even ask that? Honestly.)

When you're done reading that post, come back here to read the latest edition of the bizarro things people googled that led them to my blog.



Cat plan of world domination
We are so screwed, you guys.

Girls tiny boob falls out at swimming pool
Don’t worry, honey. No one noticed. Except that one kid with a video camera who is going to post your humiliation all over the internets.

Hi guys i show my boobs on the internet for likes meme
Silly girl. Everyone knows if you want likes you gotta show your “biscuit.”

Super girl boobs
I bet they’re full of super powers. I wish my boobs had super powers…other than hypnotizing the husband into doing anything I want. Not that that’s not totally awesome, it’s just that sometimes I wish they could shoot rockets at idiot drivers. I’d be a true super hero then. Not only would I be making my life easier, I’d be making the planet safer for everyone. Win!

everytime you eat bread it makes ryan gosling cry 
Bahaha. I can’t even express how much I love this. And how much I love bread. And Ryan. This is a hard decision, but I think I love bread more.

dumb people and things going straight over their head
If I had a dollar…

head hurts all over
I’m sorry to hear you’re dying. Or having a panic attack.

hey mister wanna see my boobs
Uh…of course he does. Unless he’s a gay mister. But even then, he might like to see them, you know, for funsies.

husband sleeps 15 hours, awake 6 hours
I see the husband’s been googling himself again.

Guys, it is easier to lose an argument to your girlfriend, when you compare it to losing her forever
True. But the easiest thing of all is to just accept that you’ll never coming close to winning an argument so don’t waste your time trying.

Hey girl spiders 
Unfortunately the spiders got to this googler before they got to finish their search. What they meant to type was:  Hey girl spiders are freaking scary and will eat your face off.

my husband doesn't know i'm a prostitute
Well won’t he be happy when he finds out. I think you should wait for a very special occasion to tell him. Like your anniversary. “Happy 8 Years, Honey! You have herpes!”

I love that you have breasts
Thanks. I love that I have them too.

Eat, sleep, figure skate
What else is there to life?

Guys revving engine at stoplight
Are stupid, annoying and over-compensating

Shove your green card up your ass 
Do I hafta?

I peed my pants poor grammar 
It's to know that even after you've humiliated yourself you're concerned about grammar


Comment gems!

hilljean: You guys are cute :) I cannot think of a more enjoyable evening than reading through those emails. I kinda sorta want to create an account for a 70 year old me and use my grandma's old photo. Hmmm. It would just be interesting to see who got excited over that. And also kinda creepy.

Ok, way creepy. Never mind, not gonna do it.

momnextdoor: One day my husband and I thought it would be hilarious to each sign up for e-harmony (under fake names lest our neighbor find us) and answer all 50 bazillion questions and see if we would get matched up together. We did not. On second thought, we should have done that BEFORE we got married. Hmmm.

13 comments:

  1. Ok, I need some bacon now.

    ......dhole

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  2. This is all so hilarious, and lovely bracelets too...Go Packers!!! Congratulations :-)

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  3. I'm scarfing down as much bacon as I can before the Apocalypse reaches my corner of the world.

    It always amazes what people google to get to my blog. The weirdest ones were "pumpkin thong pulled aside" and "elephant bookmobile." Okaaay.

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  4. Apparently your blog inspires a lot of boob googling, or boogling.

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  5. HA! You get great search terms. Clearly you need to do a post about how to tell your significant other you're a prostitute

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  6. They forgot the bacon, Noooooooo!

    Interesting post, Funny, and I needed that about now! I'm spinning.

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  7. Mmmmmmmm bacon. I love the bracelets too! :D

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  8. Super duper congrats on your Etsy site! That's so much fun!

    I have to admit. Reading about all your fun searches makes me feel pretty bad about my blog. I never get cool searches for mine. I once wrote about pimping out my minivan (as a way to stay in denial about the fact that I now drive a minivan) and now that's the only thing that people search to find my blog. I mean, in the beginning I used to get "girls peeing standing up" searches and that was pretty cool but now it's all "pimped out minivan" or "pimp my van." Dude, it's just depressing. Somehow I've strayed. I suppose I'll have to start writing about boobs a whole lot more. You know, set my goals high.

    And now I want cheesy bacon fries.

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  9. oh.... i was gonna ask something about your vagina. never mind then.

    xoxox
    jill

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  10. LOL funniest post of the week - your responses are priceless. To hell with investing in gold, I'm getting into pork futures. Will you be making any cute porker jewelry? Oh, and I love Sandy's term "boogling". I'm shamelessly stealing it for future use somewhere.

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  11. I was gonna go check out the announcement but then you said it wasn't about your vagina and now I'm no longer interested.

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  12. You so very welcome for the post about your jewelry! Thank YOu for sending me one. Win-win!

    I just got a Googler who searched "shapes of boobs". I'm so proud.

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  13. Ohmygoodness too funny!

    And jewelry! So exciting!! So many congrats, girl!

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.