Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Putting a Ring On It Isn't Always As Easy As It Sounds

The husband and I have been married for seven years. We've been together for ten. From the moment we met, we were inseparable. Never once while we were dating did we break up. Not even for a day or in the midst of a fight. In fact, I can't remember us ever having a fight. Well, except for the time he got a better grade on a test than I did and like a true adult, I threw his $90 calculator across the room and he yelled, "DON'T THROW MY CALCULATOR!"

We are soulmates. Best friends. From the very first exchange of shockingly white smiles in the black light of a tiny dorm room there seemed to be unspoken agreement that we were committed for the long haul.

So imagine my surprise when I learned the husband was back on the market. The match.com market. About a month ago, I discovered an email congratulating the husband on setting up his match.com profile.

I'll give you all a moment to let the shock settle in.

...

...

How could he do this? Don't the last ten years mean anything? I mean, I know I can be a total psychopath from time to time, but we made a vow! For better or worse, in sickness and health, til death do us...

insert sound of screeching record

I think I should back up a little. Yes it's true that "The Husband" signed up for match.com. But apparently there is another "The Husband" in the world and that "The Husband" is actually the one who signed up to meet women over the internets, not my "The Husband."

Confused? Me too.

About a month ago, the husband texted me the following: I just got an email from match.com welcoming me. Apparently I was born in 1962 and I am a man seeking a woman. I must take necessary safety precautions though because they do not do background checks.

Me: Well, at least you're not a woman seeking a man!

The husband: Or a man seeking a man!

The husband: Or a dog seeking a cat!

And then I laughed for 427 hours at the image of a dog creating a match.com profile in the hopes of finding a cat companion.

"Seeking cat who has all of her nine lives left, is good at throwing tennis balls and ignores her name when called."
Somehow, when this other man, who has the exact same name as the husband, created his profile, he entered the husband's email address instead of his own. We learned that he was interested in women between the ages of 40 and 70 (that's quite a range!) and over the next several days the husband received emails from potential matches.

Totally. Awesome.

I was dying to see who these women were and what this guy looked like. But the husband forbade me from signing in under this guy's profile. Every night we would lie in bed and review the day's emails from the interested single ladies. The husband would declare that he had to contact match.com to put an end this and I was all, "you should totally do that," but secretly, I hoped he never would because this was the most fun I'd had in, well, ever.

Positively dying to know what this guy looked like, I went on match.com but unfortunately you're not allowed to just troll for people like a creep without creating a profile. I was seriously tempted to create one just so I could find this guy, but then decided that was probably one of the worst ideas I've ever had.

Even though the husband and I were having the time of our lives with this whole thing (or at least I was) we felt bad for the poor guy who was probably wondering why not even one single lady was interested in having ring put on it.

It's not as easy as it sounds, Beyonce.
Sadly, the emails stopped one day. While I do hope this guy is on his way to happily ever after, I will forever miss the days when the husband was fifty, single, and ready to mingle.

Comment gems!

Gia: I'd make fun of you, but I can no longer use my vacuum because I vacuumed up a spider last week. So yeah. 
 
Marianna Annadanna: THE LIZZARD is an ASSHOLE.
 
 



17 comments:

  1. One day my husband and I thought it would be hilarious to each sign up for e-harmony (under fake names lest our neighbor find us) and answer all 50 bazillion questions and see if we would get matched up together. We did not. On second thought, we should have done that BEFORE we got married. Hmmm.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My sister and I have totally toyed with the idea of creating Match.com profiles so we can check out our dad's profile.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's a funny story, I am glad you found a way to amused yourself with the error, I am glad it wasn't your "The Husband" because that would suck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. You guys are cute :) I cannot think of a more enjoyable evening than reading through those emails. I kinda sorta want to create an account for a 70 year old me and use my grandma's old photo. Hmmm. It would just be interesting to see who got excited over that. And also kinda creepy.

    Ok, way creepy. Never mind, not gonna do it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You really really should have called me and I would have put on my stalker hat and gotten to the bottom of this. I would have you in his house, drinking wine, eating cheese and helping him choose his soul mate.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hahahah good thing that didn't end up in a MASSIVE misunderstanding (woulda been a perfect sitcom plot...)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ok this is totally the same thing I would've done if this happened to us. DH would've been mortified but I would've had a grand ole time snooping around!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dude, I totally would have made a match.com profile for stalking purposes. In fact...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't think I would have had the willpower not to sign in. Funny story.

    ReplyDelete
  10. That's terrible. You need to divorse him.

    Or wait. I just read teh rest.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My husband and I often joke about signing up for eHarmony just to take that stupid compatibility test. We want to see if a silly test on the interwebs would match us up.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've seen guys sign up as women before. And you get the creepiest people wanting to talk with you.

    I feel bad for women online sometimes, I really do.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I wish I could say I didn't have a fake male profile on a dating site just so I could check and see if any of the girls I know are signed up to dating sites, but, eh, I can't.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hah! Nooo, I shouldn't laugh, seeing as my BF and I actually met online. On a dating site. Yep. *shrugs* It's worked out well for us thus far!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm kind of glad you didn't see him. Now you can picture him however you want: a sweet widower looking for renewed love.
    Instead of how he probably is.
    A dirty married man wearing boxers and suspenders

    ReplyDelete
  16. Searching for the Best Dating Website? Create an account to find your perfect match.

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.