From the time their daughters are born, parents work hard to ensure their little darlings develop a positive self-image. There are many ways to build up their self-esteem, but perhaps none better than the opportunity presented on Halloween. When selecting a costume for their daughter, parents have two choices: cute and furry or sexy and bare-skinned. While the right choice may seem obvious, parents sometimes pick the wrong one. And the consequences are devastating.
“There is something alluring about seeing their little girl dressed head to toe as a bunny, with its cute floppy ears and cottonball tail. However, parents who choose bunny, or any furry animal for that matter, are letting their heart dictate their actions, a heart that will love their child forever and ever no matter what. The rest of the world will not be so kind. Which is why parents should choose with their head, the epicenter of logic,” says lead researcher and clinical psychologist The Sarcasm Goddess. “When choosing a costume, parents should follow a general rule of thumb: the whore-ier the better.”
Findings show that not only are midriff showing, short skirt wearing, high heeled teetering toddlers given more candy on Halloween, but ones dressed as cute animals are destined for a lifetime of failure.
“Honestly, parents. A bunny?” says Dr. Goddess. “It’s like you want your daughter to suck at life. Do bunnies get promoted to VP of Very Important Shit? Do they get an expense account and the corner office with a window? No. Bunnies are relegated to a cardboard desk in the supply closet and spend their days making copies and fetching non-fat-skinny-soy-vegan-sugar-free-OMG-there-better-not-be-any-calories-in-this-latte latte for big-racked, fake-nosed sexy kittens.”
Twenty-six year old Chastity Jones couldn’t agree more. “My mama dressed me as a sexy sloth when I was six years old. Twenty years later I’m promoted to Chief Financial Officer of my company and I don’t even know what a balance sheet is!”
Sometimes, parents want to do right by their daughters, but either as an act of rebellion or plain ol’ stupidity, their children have other ideas. “When my daughter told me she wanted to be a cute puppy dog for Halloween, I told her to start practicing saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?’ Then I sent her to her room to think about the consequences of her decision,” said thirty-two year old mom Cassie Titler.
Researchers surveyed 100 women, all of whom reported being unsatisfied with their career. All 100 cited the conservative costumes forced upon them when they were children as the reason for their lack of success. Seventy-nine of them said they haven’t had a raise in ten years and an astounding ninety-nine of them said they are ignored in staff meetings, even when offering practical solutions to their company’s debt problems.
The study also shows that it’s never too early to start dressing your daughter like a whore. However, sometimes that’s easier said than done. “When I couldn’t find any slutty costumes for my nine month old, I made one. I fashioned a pair of go go boots from some old leather g-strings I had lying around, made a skirt out of sheer nylons and used Hello Kitty stickers to cover her ta-tas,” said parenting blogger and self-proclaimed DIY wizard Viola Washington. “We have high hopes our little Natalie will be President of America one day.”
It’s important that parents don’t go too far, though. “Maintaining an air of mystery is key,” says Dr. Goddess. In their eagerness to set their daughters up for success, some parents are forgoing clothes on their kids altogether. Dr. Goddess says this is sending girls the wrong message. “It’s important for women to save the revealing of their biscuit and tambourines for really important things, like concert tickets and free ice cream. Showing off your goodies too readily and without cause will only make people think you’re a slut. And while dressing like a slut is okay, actually being one is totally not.”
Clearly, it’s a delicate balance. But achievable nonetheless, as evidenced by the highly successful Dr. Goddess, who in addition to her clinical and psychological accolades is a semi-renowned unpaid freelance blogger and an expert reality t.v. watcher. “This year, I’m dressing as a peacock,” she says. “My costume consists of four strategically placed feathers. Because my mama raised me right.”
Whoa! Susannah (Formerly Write, Rinse, Repeat):