Friday, October 12, 2012

If You Love Her, You'll Dress Her Like A Whore

A recent study by the Institute of Women Are People Too shows there’s a direct correlation between the costumes young girls wear on Halloween and the success they have later in life. The results may surprise you.

From the time their daughters are born, parents work hard to ensure their little darlings develop a positive self-image. There are many ways to build up their self-esteem, but perhaps none better than the opportunity presented on Halloween.  When selecting a costume for their daughter, parents have two choices: cute and furry or sexy and bare-skinned. While the right choice may seem obvious, parents sometimes pick the wrong one. And the consequences are devastating.

“There is something alluring about seeing their little girl dressed head to toe as a bunny, with its cute floppy ears and cottonball tail. However, parents who choose bunny, or any furry animal for that matter, are letting their heart dictate their actions, a heart that will love their child forever and ever no matter what. The rest of the world will not be so kind. Which is why parents should choose with their head, the epicenter of logic,” says lead researcher and clinical psychologist The Sarcasm Goddess. “When choosing a costume, parents should follow a general rule of thumb: the whore-ier the better.”

Findings show that not only are midriff showing, short skirt wearing, high heeled teetering toddlers given more candy on Halloween, but ones dressed as cute animals are destined for a lifetime of failure.

“Honestly, parents. A bunny?” says Dr. Goddess. “It’s like you want your daughter to suck at life. Do bunnies get promoted to VP of Very Important Shit? Do they get an expense account and the corner office with a window? No. Bunnies are relegated to a cardboard desk in the supply closet and spend their days making copies and fetching non-fat-skinny-soy-vegan-sugar-free-OMG-there-better-not-be-any-calories-in-this-latte latte for big-racked, fake-nosed sexy kittens.”

Twenty-six year old Chastity Jones couldn’t agree more. “My mama dressed me as a sexy sloth when I was six years old. Twenty years later I’m promoted to Chief Financial Officer of my company and I don’t even know what a balance sheet is!”

Sometimes, parents want to do right by their daughters, but either as an act of rebellion or plain ol’ stupidity, their children have other ideas. “When my daughter told me she wanted to be a cute puppy dog for Halloween, I told her to start practicing saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?’ Then I sent her to her room to think about the consequences of her decision,” said thirty-two year old mom Cassie Titler.

Researchers surveyed 100 women, all of whom reported being unsatisfied with their career. All 100  cited the conservative costumes forced upon them when they were children as the reason for their lack of success. Seventy-nine of them said they haven’t had a raise in ten years and an astounding ninety-nine of them said they are ignored in staff meetings, even when offering practical solutions to their company’s debt problems.

The study also shows that it’s never too early to start dressing your daughter like a whore. However, sometimes that’s easier said than done. “When I couldn’t find any slutty costumes for my nine month old, I made one. I fashioned a pair of go go boots from some old leather g-strings I had lying around, made a skirt out of sheer nylons and used Hello Kitty stickers to cover her ta-tas,” said parenting blogger and self-proclaimed DIY wizard Viola Washington. “We have high hopes our little Natalie will be President of America one day.”

It’s important that parents don’t go too far, though. “Maintaining an air of mystery is key,” says Dr. Goddess. In their eagerness to set their daughters up for success, some parents are forgoing clothes on their kids altogether. Dr. Goddess says this is sending girls the wrong message. “It’s important for women to save the revealing of their biscuit and tambourines for really important things, like concert tickets and free ice cream. Showing off your goodies too readily and without cause will only make people think you’re a slut. And while dressing like a slut is okay, actually being one is totally not.”

Clearly, it’s a delicate balance. But achievable nonetheless, as evidenced by the highly successful Dr. Goddess, who in addition to her clinical and psychological accolades is a semi-renowned unpaid freelance blogger and an expert reality t.v. watcher. “This year, I’m dressing as a peacock,” she says. “My costume consists of four strategically placed feathers. Because my mama raised me right.”

Comment gems! 

Whoa! Susannah (Formerly Write, Rinse, Repeat):
This is so so so true!! I just turned 31. I had two beers, some pasta, and passed out watching Sherlock Holmes. I woke up the next morning with gas and a zit. Happy effing birthday.

Happy belated birthday!

I've reached the stage where if I walk into any clothing store other than Muumuus 'N Mom Jeans 'R Us, the staff just won't bother talking to me.



  1. I agree wholeheartedly. In fact, I slam my door in the faces of modest, age-appropriately-dressed trick-or-treaters. No way am I wasting my candy on some fugly panda bear.

  2. So very true. Why would I want to give a lollipop to a bumble bee when a whored out sexy wench really knows what do it with that candy on a stick.

  3. My parents let me dress up as a hooker for Halloween with a group of my friends when I was 10. (I'm not even kidding.) Clearly I went wrong somewhere after that because I'm 30 and haven't become a CFO or a CEO or any title that sounds better in acronym form. You've inspired me to dig out those hooker boots and mini skirt again!

  4. My best friend went as a bunny one year and now she effs every guy in a ten minute radius. She's also a successful pharmacist. She also eats a lot of carrots. I think she still thinks she's that bunny with having mad sex and eating carrots and all. I don't know where the pharmacy part kicks in. Maybe because she's a pill head.

  5. I have 547 Instagram pictures of girls in my son's 7th grade class (some taken during class even - yay!!) and I am THRILLED to inform you that every single one of them is headed for greatness. Kudos to their moms!!!!!

  6. I'm just curious, what happens to all those girls who dress as witches? And isn't honey boo boo all the rage this year, oh gosh where is the future of women headed?


  7. I think the whore-ish costumes need to continue long into old age for continued success. For instance, I'm attending a conference next week, and for the 80s theme party, I'm going as the chick from Flashdance so I can wear as little as possible, and perhaps flash some nipple to the guys who work for Ford in hopes of getting a free ride.
    You're funny! This was brilliant!

  8. My girl is making the big move from Disney Princesses this year to a witch. She says she wants to be a scary witch. Hmmmm.... Not cute & cuddly and yet, not whore-ish either. Am I in trouble now??!

    You never disappoint! Love that. :>

    Hey...are you doing NaNo this year?? Think I am...if I can settle on what to write! lol

  9. Oh. My. Gawd. You are so dang funny.

  10. I heart you so much, woman! This is so good. Seriously, like fantastic!

  11. I just discovered your great blog. LOVEEEE it. Also thanks for the button tutorial!!
    Do Dallas Cheap

  12. So this is where my parents went wrong. WTF.

    Also, thank GOD I have a boy!

  13. I did about ten double takes during the first few paragraphs trying to parse this to determine if it was legit. Very well done! And funny too. :)


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