Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Halloween is Fun. But Also Confusing.

I love Halloween as much as the next person (who doesn't think it's Satan's holiday), but there are some things about the day of costumes, candy and creeps that I just don't get. And so I bring you...

Six Halloween Traditions That Baffle Me

1. Trick or Treating
Their entire life we tell kids not to take candy from strangers. But on Halloween parents personally escort them from stranger to stranger while they downright beg for the stuff. I guess we’ll just chalk that inconsistency up to the ol’ Do As I Say Not As I Escort You To Do’ philosophy.

2. Home Invasions
Speaking of strangers coming to your door, Halloween sounds like the perfect night for a home invasion.

“Knock knock.”

“Who is it?”

“Home invaders. We’re here to murder you, but not before we rape and torture you.”

“Somebody didn’t say the magic words.”

“Oh, fine. Trick or treat.”

3. Trunk or Treating
Recognizing the potential dangers of trick or treating, some parents opt for Trunk or Treating, which is usually done at a “safe” location like a church parking lot or the abandoned lot behind that abandoned warehouse where the drug cartels have set up shop. For those of you unfamiliar with this progressive from of soliciting candy from strangers, adults decorate the trunks of their vehicles to lure children over to obtain their sugary goodness.

I don’t know who came up with this genius idea but I suspect there’s a kidnapper holed up in a prison cell somewhere screaming about royalties.

4. Distributing Drugs
What’s with all the people giving drugs to kids? Or did that only happen to me? Oh, come on. Don’t tell me I was the only four year old given LSD on Halloween. Or maybe it was PCP. Which is the one that comes in the form of a sticker that you slap on your body to absorb the hallucinogens through your skin? That one. As you can imagine, my mom didn’t let me go trick or treating after that. Instead, I had Halloween parties where we opted for healthier activities like…

5. Bobbing for Apples
Nothing says “party” like slurping down your friend’s saliva in an effort to pick up apples with your teeth.

6. Dressing Like a Whore
Actually, this one makes perfect sense to me. The only complaint I have is that we only get to do it once a year. If I want to dress up like a sexy ninja the other 364 days, I should be allowed to. Without any comments from the Uptight, No Fun, Stick Up Their Ass Gallery. I’m an American; I have a right to be objectified, dammit!

So, what Halloween traditions do you like, dislike, or leave you totally baffled?

Comment gems! (As usual, they were all brilliant...here are a few highlights.)

Sandra: I think the whore-ish costumes need to continue long into old age for continued success. For instance, I'm attending a conference next week, and for the 80s theme party, I'm going as the chick from Flashdance so I can wear as little as possible, and perhaps flash some nipple to the guys who work for Ford in hopes of getting a free ride. You're funny! This was brilliant!
Just Keepin It Real, Folks!: So very true. Why would I want to give a lollipop to a bumble bee when a whored out sexy wench really knows what do it with that candy on a stick.


  1. I never understood the whole pillow case thing used to hold your candy. That is so upper crust high class. I'm used to redneck country where we pull out a trash bag and hit the streets for some serious swag.

  2. Hahahahah I blogged about my Halloween question: WHY CAN'T ADULTS DO IT AND ASK FOR WINE?!?!! Seriously. Trick or wine, bitches.

  3. I'm with Mayor Gia - only I'll take whiskey please.

  4. Hahahaha! Trick or wine...BEST IDEA EVER GIA!! :D

    I have never understood Trunk or Treating either, it sounds like a pedophiles idea of heaven if you ask me.

    Halloween is still my all time favorite holiday though! :)

  5. I stopped letting my kids trick or treat a long time ago. When police started suggesting all candy should be x-rayed before being eaten, I decided to stop playing russian roulette with the candy thing. I buy them enough candy. I don't mind haunted houses and costume parties, but really; Halloween is not for kids. As your last post shows, "sexy" is what Halloween is all about now.

    But then, sexy is what all holidays are about now. If a woman is not dressed as scantily and sexy as possible - regardless of age or physique - she isn't even worth giving a piece of candy to.

    I guess that's my pet peeve with Halloween; too sexy or too sweet.

    Gia: come to my house, we'll have wine :)


  6. Maybe the drugs are the better to experience the supernatural on All Hallow's Eve?

  7. I agree with Gia. I want to trick or treat for wine. When I was young my neighbor (a dentist) gave out toothbrushes instead of candy. Trick or toothbrushing? Lame. Yet I went to his house every year....

  8. The best part about Halloween is the PILES of discount candy half-off and pre-packaged into guilt-avoiding sizes on November 1st. Win!

  9. dude. first you had me laughing, then cringing at the trunk or treating, then baffled by the lsd sticker (still haven't figured out if you were joking or not..?!?!?), then you made me throw up in my mouth a lil with the tuna fish flavored apple bobbing water...all in all, that was a hell of a ride for a post that wasn't even all that long...well done, sexy ninja

  10. I know nothing about these trunk trick or treaters. This is seriously concerning.
    Are we the only ones seeing the sign pedophile flashing above the cars?

  11. Trunk or treating was done by my church once. It was like tailgating for toddlers where they were all drunk and crazy off sugar. Never.done.again.


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