I love Halloween as much as the next person (who doesn't think it's Satan's holiday), but there are some things about the day of costumes, candy and creeps that I just don't get. And so I bring you...
Six Halloween Traditions That Baffle Me
1. Trick or Treating
Their entire life we tell kids not to take candy from strangers. But on Halloween parents personally escort them from stranger to stranger while they downright beg for the stuff. I guess we’ll just chalk that inconsistency up to the ol’ Do As I Say Not As I Escort You To Do’ philosophy.
2. Home Invasions
Speaking of strangers coming to your door, Halloween sounds like the perfect night for a home invasion.
“Who is it?”
“Home invaders. We’re here to murder you, but not before we rape and torture you.”
“Somebody didn’t say the magic words.”
“Oh, fine. Trick or treat.”
3. Trunk or Treating
Recognizing the potential dangers of trick or treating, some parents opt for Trunk or Treating, which is usually done at a “safe” location like a church parking lot or the abandoned lot behind that abandoned warehouse where the drug cartels have set up shop. For those of you unfamiliar with this progressive from of soliciting candy from strangers, adults decorate the trunks of their vehicles to lure children over to obtain their sugary goodness.
I don’t know who came up with this genius idea but I suspect there’s a kidnapper holed up in a prison cell somewhere screaming about royalties.
4. Distributing Drugs
What’s with all the people giving drugs to kids? Or did that only happen to me? Oh, come on. Don’t tell me I was the only four year old given LSD on Halloween. Or maybe it was PCP. Which is the one that comes in the form of a sticker that you slap on your body to absorb the hallucinogens through your skin? That one. As you can imagine, my mom didn’t let me go trick or treating after that. Instead, I had Halloween parties where we opted for healthier activities like…
5. Bobbing for Apples
Nothing says “party” like slurping down your friend’s saliva in an effort to pick up apples with your teeth.
6. Dressing Like a Whore
Actually, this one makes perfect sense to me. The only complaint I have is that we only get to do it once a year. If I want to dress up like a sexy ninja the other 364 days, I should be allowed to. Without any comments from the Uptight, No Fun, Stick Up Their Ass Gallery. I’m an American; I have a right to be objectified, dammit!
So, what Halloween traditions do you like, dislike, or leave you totally baffled?
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