Sunday, September 30, 2012

Like the Blair Witch Project. But With Lizards.

On Friday, Just Jennifer asked us to blog our quirks and link up with her for "I'm Gettin' Quirky With Just Jennifer." She tweeted me asking if I was going to link up and I was all, "Sorry Jen, I can't. I'm normal. I don't have any quirks." And then we both laughed until our heads fell off.

On Thursday night, I became a victim of my own quirkiness. Actually, I became a victim of an evil reptile, but since most people's reactions to lizards, especially the ones the size of a fingernail, aren't quite as irrational severe, I'm filing this under the quirky category.

And also? The Worst Night of My Life Category. I started out journaling the incident on facebook as a way to cope with my fear, but then I realized I probably sounded like a giant weirdo. And while I usually don't have a problem exposing my bizarreness (have you read this blog), I felt uncomfortable doing it in real time. So I journaled on my Notes app on my phone.

Following is what happened the Night THE LIZARD Attacked.

It's 1:00 a.m. and I just woke the husband up to rescue me from a baby lizard. It crawled inside the iron. I started freaking out and he banished me to the bedroom. It currently sounds like he's throwing the iron through the wall.

1:10 a.m. The lizard will not come out. The husband plugged in the iron to "smoke him out." I told him not to kill THE LIZARD just GET HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE!

The husband reports he's not coming out.

Me: "What if I have to iron tomorrow?!"

More shaking of the iron occurs.

1:35 a.m. I explain to the husband that I cannot live without the iron. I iron ev-ery-thing. Even my sheets. He "doesn't know what to tell me." THE LIZARD is staying put and apparently the husband "cannot stay up all night and watch the iron."

1:40 a.m. There's no way I can sleep with the iron outside my bedroom. THE LIZARD is going to wait until I fall asleep to eat my face off.

The husband decides to take the iron down to the garage.

1:45 a.m. The husband is still gone.

*Gasp* That sneaky reptile has succeeded in separating us. I'm surely going to die now. 

At this point, I was tempted to record myself, with tears running down my face and snot dripping from my nose, apologizing to our families for this terrible turn of events. After all, it was all because of me that the husband and I were "hungry, cold...and hunted." But then I remembered the girl from the Blair Witch Project looked really unattractive with her nostrils flaring uncontrollably and I decided that was NOT how I wanted to be remembered.

1:46 a.m. Seriously. Where is he?

1:47 a.m. I'm starting to sweat.

1:48 a.m. I hear music. Where the hell is it coming? This is real life horror story.

1:50 a.m. I wonder if THE LIZARD will still be hungry after he eats the husband or if he'll come for me.

1:51 a.m. The husband is back! There does not appear to be any signs of trauma. He looks relaxed and he's...eating. The hell? Clearly he is not as concerned about this situation as I am. Honestly, I may never be able to iron again. Those damn lizards really know how to hit below the belt.

The only thing that prevents this from being the worst night ever is that I had bacon for dinner.

Mmmm bacon. 

I should go eat the last piece.

OMG! I bet that's what the husband is eating. As if I haven't been through enough, now my bacon is gone. I bet THE LIZARD put him up to this. 

I dealt with this latest bit of tragic information by watching Project Runway. I forgot all about THE LIZARD until two days later when I HAD to iron. I put on my big girl panties, went down to the garage and grabbed the iron. I kept it at arms length, keeping an eye on it the whole time as I walked up the stairs. 

I was so focused on making sure THE LIZARD did not come out and attack me, I lost my footing and face planted on the stairs. I nearly ripped the skin off the bottom of my foot, got rug burn and a big bruise on my knee. 

Even without being present, THE LIZARD managed to inflict severe trauma, and that's exactly why they are the most evil creatures on the planet.

Some people may call my fear of lizards quirkiness. I call it good sense. 

Time for some comment gems!

I tried to sign up for a gym once.
That's all. 

You don't know judging until you do Zumba in front of toddlers. they're merciless! vile urchins who hold nothing back. nothing!

"yes honey, that is the sound of mommy's thighs chafing...also, you're grounded for like a year."

"mommy has to wear this bra so she doesn't get a black eye, or a concussion when she jumps"

Ingrates. They all owe me,like, 1 million dollars for pain and suffering.



  1. I'm the first, I'm the first....

    hell, I got so excited I forgot my clever comment.
    I'm blaming the lizard.
    vile creatures, true dat.

    (thanks for the shout out...I hear nice deeds keep vile creatures at bay. happy ironing.)

  2. I think that was very quirky indeed! And the fact that you iron ev-ery thing is a quirk too. Sheets? Seriously? I iron NOTHING. Wrinkles can kiss my ass. So can THE LIZARD!

    1. Careful, Jen. The lizard might do more than kiss it.

  3. That was a very devious might have even shared that last piece of bacon with your husband, as a sign of a truce.

  4. I'd make fun of you, but I can no longer use my vacuum because I vacuumed up a spider last week. So yeah.

    1. My gramma once vacuumed up a bat that was hanging upside down on our clothes rod in the closet. I'm scarred for life.

  5. I had a lizard in an apartment once; I tried to get my cat to hunt it down and kill it. My first attempt - the cat turned her nose up at it. Second attempt, made a noise so it moved and captured her attention. She got her nose close to it, it moved, and she took off like a bat outta hell leaving skid marks and a cloud of dust. I finally got a broom and dust pan and managed to dump it outside before it tried to eat my arm off.

    The cat? She got fired from hunting duties.

  6. He was eating the lizard, wasn't he?

    1. Oh, please no. I just threw up a little thinking about it.

  7. lol! For one brief second I thought your husband was eating the lizard!

    1. He better not! I'm pretty sure that's grounds for divorce. *gag*

  8. so you mean the little lizards cats like to eat? or take their tails off and then you have like half a lizard walking around trying to grow their tails back? you should get a cat...good reason for a pet-lizard protector.

    1. Yes, it was the tiniest lizard known to man. And the most terrifying. My husband is allergic to cats. *sigh*


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