Thursday, September 13, 2012

Bringing Sexy Nowhere

The husband and I recently joined a gym. It’s the first time I’ve ever paid cash money to workout. It would have been easier just to throw the husband’s hard-earned dollars directly into the garbage each month, but what can I say? I like a challenge.

Before we could become official douchenuggets, I mean gym members, we had to take a tour of all the super kewl and not at all confusing-looking machines then fill out some paperwork where I agreed not to sue them when I inevitably break my neck from improper machine use.

This gym does not cater to juiceheads, so if you desire to obtain muscles the size of baby elephants go throw yourself off a bridge because you’re probably an asshole.

To help ensure they do not attract the wrong band of merry muscle makers, their free weights only go up to 75 pounds and grunting is absolutely forbidden. Because no one ever grunts when lifting five pounders.  Definitely not *cough* me.

I do hope moaning, groaning, heaving breathing and panting are acceptable because the sounds of my workout routine more closely resemble an obscene phone call than a girl with a cellulite vendetta.

The final part of the application process is to sign a paper that says you agree to, among other things, not judge other gym members.

The hell?  No judging? The promise of criticizing my fellow human beings is one of the top three things that get me out of bed each day. (Bacon and the allure of my couch being the other two.)

Kidding, kidding. I think it’s great that this gym is trying to foster a welcoming, accepting environment. But unless they also possess the power of mind control, a whole lotta judging be going on. But I give them an ‘A’ for effort.

No one was more surprised than I when, just one day after becoming an official card-carrying member of the I-workout-so-feel-better-about-eating-cake-batter-for-dinner-society, I actually went back to the gym for my free t-shirt to workout. The very first thing I did after hopping on the bike was start judging. Myself.

Faster, fatty!

Look at that lady. She’s older than your grandmother. If this were a race she would’ve smoked your ass.

Decreasing the resistance already? It’s been thirty seconds.

Need water? You’re pathetic.

I thought getting in shape was supposed to make you feel better about yourself, but my self-esteem is shot.

I didn’t start judging everyone else until I got on the elliptical. You see, I’m what you might call a sweater. No, not an article of clothing you wear when it’s cold outside, but a sweat-er. As in one who sweats. A lot. Normally, when I’m running through the dangerous streets of my ‘hood, I wear a headband to keep the salty secretions from running down my face. But when I went to the gym I was all, it’s inside, it’s air conditioned, I don’t need it! I also brought a towel with me but decided to leave it in the car because it’s inside, it’s air conditioned, I don’t need it!

Stupid, stupid fool.

After twenty minutes on the bike and five minutes on the elliptical, I looked like I had just gotten out of the pool.

And I don’t mean this:

Kinda like this, but with more sweat and in-general disgusting-ness:

I attempted to wipe the sweat from my face, the greatest act of futility ever, and began looking around the gym. That’s when I realized no one else was sweating. Let the judging of others begin! The two women next to me looked the like they were sipping mai tais on the beach while being fanned by elephant-muscled men in banana hammocks.

The beauty queen on the other side of me rearranged her long locks four different ways before finally settling on loose and flow-y around her shoulders.

Honestly, if you don't sweat get out of the gym. I'm pretty sure that's the fifth commandment of gym etiquette.

By the time I was finished on the elliptical there was a puddle of sweat on the floor below me. True. Story. The gym supplies paper towels and a cleaning solution for patrons to wipe down the machines after use. I, however, used the paper towels to mop up my face. I tried to hide my shame by facing the wall while doing so, but I’m sure people were watching. After all, who wouldn’t want to see the Incredible Girl Who Sweats A Lot?

In case you’re wondering, I did clean my machine after giving myself a sponge bath. I’m not that disgusting, people.

It’s been three days and I haven’t been back. But don’t worry, I’m making cinnamon apple donuts tonight, so all is well.


  1. No judging, my ass! I do NOT exercise in front of other people. I will not take zumba. Yes, I go out for walks in my 'hood, but I really hate it when people are outside their homes when I do. Just let me walk in peace, people!

  2. You don't know judging until you do Zumba in front of toddlers. they're merciless! vile urchins who hold nothing back. nothing!

    "yes honey, that is the sound of mommy's thighs chafing...also, you're grounded for like a year."

    "mommy has to wear this bra so she doesn't get a black eye, or a concussion when she jumps"

    Ingrates. They all owe me,like, 1 million dollars for pain and suffering.

    1. lol ... I cannot work out in front of my kids ... it's worse than making out in front of a supermodel :)

  3. This is why I HATE the gym! I always end leaving worse than before I entered the stinking place.

  4. I am a sweater ... I have tried to explain this to people who don't sweat ... I hate it ... I hate getting hot in any setting because I look like I just got out of a swimming pool - in your sea monster way ... not your gorgeous bikini girl way ... sigh ... oh well ... you made me laugh ... a lot ... and I bet those donuts were good :)

  5. Hahah I sweat a lot too. I dont like getting sweaty in front of other people though..

  6. Lord help me, I judge pretty much every person I see at the gym AND I constantly compare my lack of muscles with the guys who have them. I like the gym though, cause without it I wouldn't work out, and I like the way I feel after working out.

    My favorite person to judge while I'm there is the guy who, every day, has the sleeveless shirt that's basically open from shoulder to hip, who, after every set of weights looks at himself in the mirror and smiles a creepy, lascivious smile. At himself. wtf?

  7. You are toooooo funny. I'm proud of you!

  8. I HATE the gym. Never have I felt more self-conscious. Well, ok, maybe 8th grade, but the gym reminds me of 8th grade.

  9. Maybe they just want to make sure that you're not judging out loud, so as to disturb others, you know?

    Since we're sharing here, I sweat more on the treadmill than on outdoor runs. It is super hot and stuffy indoors. I also get beet red. It's really unsexy. And I always have to wipe my face with a paper towel too (these are the reasons I prefer to run outdoors whenever possible; these, plus I always think I'm going to trip on the mill).

    Oh, last thing: I berate myself too. But good job getting your workout on! Keep it up!!

  10. Ugh. I used to love the gym. I was a fit and annoying. And then A-hole Depression happended and I can't get back on the wagon. Or bike. Whichever. I know it's because I feel like shit about myself whenever I go - because I'm not as fit as i once was. SUCKS.

    Don't judg yourself. Try to have fun.

  11. Yucky. You should come to my gym and join my challenge. My rule at the gym is don't look at me, don't touch me, wipe your sweat, and stay at least three feet away from me. This guy was staring at me tonight and I was so tempted to knee him in the dick. Asscrunch..

    You could join my challenge though - or link up - or just make donuts. Or all of the above plus send me some donuts.

  12. When I work out, I do so in my own home. Alone. Other people don't need to see my jiggly-bits jiggling around the gym. I'm thinking of others. I'm nice like that.

  13. I tried to sign up for a gym once.
    That's all.

  14. I took a kickboxing class once b/c I thought it was gonna be just like the Billy Blanks Tai Bo vhs I have. After the first class, my face was the color of a tomato and I almost passed out. And the worst part was that the teacher was at least 1 million years old and didn't even break a sweat. Bitch.

  15. Oh and I have a lil' something for you over my blog. :o)

  16. I sweat when I even think about exercise, so doing that in front of other people does NOT appeal to me!


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