I don't usually write posts like this. In fact, I never do. I'd rather talk about peeing my pants and super gluing my finger to my face than religion or politics any day. But it's been awhile since I've blogged, and I have nothing funny to say. And also? I'm hella pissed. Thus, ranty blog post.
Let me start by saying that the intent of this post is not to get into a pro life, pro choice debate. I will do my best to keep my personal thoughts on that matter to myself. The point of this post is to express my absolute disbelief that douchenuggets like Missouri Congressman Todd Akin exist.
Don't know him? Allow me to introduce you to this twatwaffle. In an interview broadcast Sunday, the fine Congressman said that women's bodies can prevent pregnancies in the case of "a legitimate rape," adding that conception in such cases is rare.
No! He didn't say that! NO ONE would really say that!
Here it is, friends, from the horse's ass: "It seems to me first of all from what I
understand from doctors, that's really rare," Akin said. "If it's a
legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole
Oh that's right, Akin! I totally remember learning about an egg's ability to detect unwanted sperm. If I recall correctly, it builds a toothpick/popiscle stick fortress and throws ovarian cysts at the tadpole suckers while shouting "no boys allowed!" Yeah, that lesson was sandwiched between worm dissection day and studying the mating rituals of dung beetles.
Honestly, this guy makes Honey Boo Boo Child look like a f*cking rocket scientist.
This totally factual comment was made in response to a question about whether Captain Asshat supports access to abortion in the case of rape.
He went on to say that if the female body did not shut it down (you know, maybe the egg was giving herself a pedicure while watching a Jersey Shore marathon and didn't hear the impending attack) he thinks "there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child."
I have so many things to say about this, where to start? Oh I know, how about with the whole "legitimate rape" thing. After all, the first thing to do when a woman says she's been raped is to determine whether it was legitimate or if she's just a whore who was asking for it. Say for example, she was wearing a really short skirt and low cut top and gettin' low on the dance floor. Obviously she's just begging for a penis to end up inside her and therefore cannot declare her rape legitimate despite her cries of "no!" during the act.
Or say a girl is gettin' on with her boyfriend. The clothes are off, the tongues are licking, the hands are groping, all signs are leading to intercourse. But right before they're about to do the sex, she changes her mind and decides she does not, in fact, want a penis inside her. Well that's just not fair! She was leading him on! A man has a right to penetrate! And so he does and once again illegitimate rape occurs a.k.a. she wasn't really raped.
And oh how I love how Akin thinks there should be "some" punishment. Some? I can only imagine what type of punishment Akin thinks is appropriate for a rapist. Five minutes in time-out? No t.v. for a week? No dessert for a month? Whoa. Let's not be drastic.
Here's some punishment idea for ya, Akin. We chop off the rapist's penis and balls and grind them in a blender.
Too harsh? You're right. After all, a rapist has rights.
I'll leave the punishing of rapists to your divine wisdom, Akin. I'm sure you know the exact physical, emotional and psychological trauma a rape victim experiences. And I'm equally sure you know just how much the woman openly embraces the idea that the government gets to decide what happens to the pregnancy that results from the blissful union.
What's that? You don't know what it's like to be raped? You can't possibly comprehend the agony those women experience? You can't fathom what it's like to be (legitimately or illegitimately) pregnant?
Don't worry. We can help you out with that. Let me just call one of the fine upstanding men from the federal penitentiary to examine your anus with his penis for the next hour. Once that's over, we'll ask you how you feel about the whole thing, confirm whether the rape was legitimate then stick an embryo up your ass and enjoy watching you the next nine months as strangers rub your butt and speculate on the baby's gender and offer congratulations and tell you you are positively glowing until that glorious day when your butt baby arrives.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is a man giving birth to a butt baby highly improbable? Ridiculous? Ludicrous? Bat shit crazy? Probably. But it makes as much sense, Congressman, as your statement that if a woman doesn't want to be raped, she won't get pregnant.
It does make you wonder, though, about all those women who do get pregnant as a result of legitimate rape. Deep down, they must have wanted it to happen, because otherwise how?
Listen, the world is full of stupid people. Seriously. Look at the person to your left, look at the person to your right. One of you is a moron. This does not shock me. What does shock me is that people follow idiots like Akin around shouting "Rah Rah Sis Boom Bee! I want you to represent me!" People voted for this guy. Like for real. It happened.
And people will continue to vote for this guy, and tons more just like him.
If that doesn't make your head explode all over your computer, I don't know what will.