Monday, August 20, 2012

The Post That Loses Me Followers

I don't usually write posts like this. In fact, I never do. I'd rather talk about peeing my pants and super gluing my finger to my face than religion or politics any day. But it's been awhile since I've blogged, and I have nothing funny to say. And also? I'm hella pissed. Thus, ranty blog post.

Let me start by saying that the intent of this post is not to get into a pro life, pro choice debate. I will do my best to keep my personal thoughts on that matter to myself. The point of this post is to express my absolute disbelief that douchenuggets like Missouri Congressman Todd Akin exist.

Don't know him? Allow me to introduce you to this twatwaffle. In an interview broadcast Sunday, the fine Congressman said that women's bodies can prevent pregnancies in the case of "a legitimate rape," adding that conception in such cases is rare. 

No! He didn't say that! NO ONE would really say that!

Here it is, friends, from the horse's ass: "It seems to me first of all from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare," Akin said. "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Oh that's right, Akin! I totally remember learning about an egg's ability to detect unwanted sperm. If I recall correctly, it builds a toothpick/popiscle stick fortress and throws ovarian cysts at the tadpole suckers while shouting "no boys allowed!" Yeah, that lesson was sandwiched between worm dissection day and studying the mating rituals of dung beetles.

Honestly, this guy makes Honey Boo Boo Child look like a f*cking rocket scientist.

This totally factual comment was made in response to a question about whether Captain Asshat supports access to abortion in the case of rape.

He went on to say that if the female body did not shut it down (you know, maybe the egg was giving herself a pedicure while watching a Jersey Shore marathon and didn't hear the impending attack) he thinks "there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child."

I have so many things to say about this, where to start? Oh I know, how about with the whole "legitimate rape" thing. After all, the first thing to do when a woman says she's been raped is to determine whether it was legitimate or if she's just a whore who was asking for it. Say for example, she was wearing a really short skirt and low cut top and gettin' low on the dance floor. Obviously she's just begging for a penis to end up inside her and therefore cannot declare her rape legitimate despite her cries of "no!" during the act.

Or say a girl is gettin' on with her boyfriend. The clothes are off, the tongues are licking, the hands are groping, all signs are leading to intercourse. But right before they're about to do the sex, she changes her mind and decides she does not, in fact, want a penis inside her. Well that's just not fair! She was leading him on! A man has a right to penetrate! And so he does and once again illegitimate rape occurs a.k.a. she wasn't really raped.

And oh how I love how Akin thinks there should be "some" punishment. Some? I can only imagine what type of punishment Akin thinks is appropriate for a rapist. Five minutes in time-out? No t.v. for a week? No dessert for a month? Whoa. Let's not be drastic.

Here's some punishment idea for ya, Akin. We chop off the rapist's penis and balls and grind them in a blender.

Too harsh? You're right. After all, a rapist has rights.

I'll leave the punishing of rapists to your divine wisdom, Akin. I'm sure you know the exact physical, emotional and psychological trauma a rape victim experiences. And I'm equally sure you know just how much the woman openly embraces the idea that the government gets to decide what happens to the pregnancy that results from the blissful union.

What's that? You don't know what it's like to be raped? You can't possibly comprehend the agony those women experience? You can't fathom what it's like to be (legitimately or illegitimately) pregnant?

Don't worry. We can help you out with that. Let me just call one of the fine upstanding men from the federal penitentiary to examine your anus with his penis for the next hour. Once that's over, we'll ask you how you feel about the whole thing, confirm whether the rape was legitimate then stick an embryo up your ass and enjoy watching you the next nine months as strangers rub your butt and speculate on the baby's gender and offer congratulations and tell you you are positively glowing until that glorious day when your butt baby arrives.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is a man giving birth to a butt baby highly improbable? Ridiculous? Ludicrous? Bat shit crazy? Probably. But it makes as much sense, Congressman, as your statement that if a woman doesn't want to be raped, she won't get pregnant.

It does make you wonder, though, about all those women who do get pregnant as a result of legitimate rape. Deep down, they must have wanted it to happen, because otherwise how? 

Listen, the world is full of stupid people. Seriously. Look at the person to your left, look at the person to your right. One of you is a moron. This does not shock me. What does shock me is that people follow idiots like Akin around shouting "Rah Rah Sis Boom Bee! I want you to represent me!" People voted for this guy. Like for real. It happened.

And people will continue to vote for this guy, and tons more just like him.

If that doesn't make your head explode all over your computer, I don't know what will.



71 comments:

  1. My theory is that he got women confused with female ducks, because they can do all sorts of cool anti rape things with their vaginas. But still, duck rape is wrong. #DARD (ducks against raping ducks. they're against raping humans, too)

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    1. I can see how he would make that mistake, what with the similarities between women and ducks.

      #DARD!

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  2. I saw this on fb earlier and could not believe that someone as stupid as this exists in our world...

    he's below the flat earth society and people with literally half a brain IMO.

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    1. Seriously. He's the lowest of the low. He should not legally be allowed to call himself a human being.

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  3. I'll never stop following you and this makes me love you more.

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  4. Well said Goddess. I about peed myself when I read that article.

    This will stick in my mind a very long time:
    that if a woman doesn't want to be raped, she won't get pregnant.

    Next I expect he'll be telling women who WANT TO GET PREGNANT that they just need to look for a guy to rape them.

    ......dhole

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    1. Exactly! Finally someone has discovered the solution to infertility!

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  5. I'm with you. And if you lose followers over this, you didn't want them to begin with. I fucking hate people so much right now. SO MUCH. I can't wait until this election is over and we get a fucking second to ourselves without having to listen to pompous dick holes pontificate about shit like this. (I'm sorry for all the swears. You can delete my comment if you like. It's just, this sort of crap really boils my blood.)

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    1. I hate people too. And I LOVE your comment. If I didn't write about this and let out some of the rage, I think my head really would have exploded.

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  6. (O_O) =====> );

    Looks like someone was playing with the time machine again. Send him back to the stone age, thanks.

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    1. If only I could find where I parked it, I'd shove his ass in it and send him on his way.

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  7. I read this last night and was livid. I had to wait till today to comment. It is not just rape victims he is hurting, aside from his obvious old enough to bleed old enough to breed mentality. I think of girls like myself who are being sexually molested in their own homes, what about them. Science would say, the pregnancy would not survive due to genetics, but many do. Twisted, sick ignorant jackass. See if we DIDN'T want the baby, and our minds were that powerful your DICK would shrivel the second it came out of your tightie whities, that are apparently too tight because you have been doing an awful lot of thinking with that half. I hope this prick gets taken out at the knees, quickly and in a fashion that all the world gets to watch. Just ignorant.

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    1. It is truly disgusting. I am so sorry for what you went through.

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  8. Some other methods that could be tried to prevent pregnancy include jumping up and down afterward or going to the bathroom to pee. Why didn't he mention these?

    Also, the fact that this man is on the Science and Technology Committee is pure insanity. I don't care if you are pro-choice or pro-life or when you think life begins, but let's all agree about HOW life begins and how conception works. Because THAT should not be up for debate.

    This one fired me up this morning.

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    1. "but let's all agree about HOW life begins and how conception works. Because THAT should not be up for debate." Yes, please, please, let's all agree. I thought we had figured this one out years ago, but since we're still debating how babies get made, I'd like to throw out stork deliveries as a possible option.

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  9. Great post.... I'm here to stay.

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  10. Not only are people voting for him...he's actually ahead in the polls. Seriously disturbing.

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  11. I don't know if our kids and grandkids will be reading about this kind of idiocracy in the history books, or if it will be even worse by then.

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  12. Oh wow. Just..... wow. What a fucking idiot. Why would people vote for that? Wow.

    By the same logic, I am going to eat a bag of crisps now and I really, really don't want to get any fatter. Do your work, superbody.

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    1. Who knew our bodies were so powerful? No more birth control or working out or eating healthy. We can do whatever we want and our bodies will just shut down the unwanted results!

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  13. I heard about this. I'm honestly just shocked at what some politicians are throwing around as facts these days. Things they're saying in public. To other people.

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    1. I know!! I'm going to start pulling facts out of my ass. I'll be president in no time!

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  14. I heard about this douchenugget (btw that is an awesome word!) on the news and the story left me flabbergasted as well.

    Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere either :).

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    1. I keep waiting for him to go, "gotcha! just kidding! I'm not really an asshole." I suspect I'll be waiting a very long time.

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  15. That is so disgusting and so offensive. You certainly won't lose any female followers--we all know there is no such toothpick/popsicle fortress available. Sheesh. It's just hard to believe that someone can be THAT idiotic. It's no wonder womens rights took so long to achieve. Dbags like him were in charge.

    By the way, I love how you string your words together. You're awesome!

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    1. Honestly, what does it take to get the Dbags out of office! Forever! You, my dear, are awesome too.

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  16. It's appalling that these people are considered "leaders." And they say outrageous things like this, and no one holds them accountable. No one holds any of these morons accountable for what they say. But Madonna slips a nipple or someone says some meanie-face words in Hollywoodland, and the public busts out the torches, demanding apologies lest ye be dragged to the gallows. The public demands people get fired for what they say. I wonder when people are going to start to care about things that ACTUALLY matter. Things like this. People saying dangerous things LIKE THIS. Why isn't there as much outrage over this as there was over Chik-fil-A?

    I really hate our society. And I hate our politicians even more.

    But I LOVE the word twatwaffle. :-)

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    1. Oh I know! How dare Madonna or Janet Jackson or whoever pollute young minds with a dirty, vulgar slip of the nip? How will they ever recover from such trauma? Beheadings for all of them! Accept Akin. He's totally cool.

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  17. twatwaffle actually gave me the strength and wherewithal to finish reading your post laughing as opposed to alternately screaming and crying and packing up my car to drive into the mountains. that and the fact that i'm the opposite of a survivalist mountain girl. i am floored by the fact that this is even remotely considered okay, that this man obviously felt that he would be held to no standard or called into question about what he said. which means, to me, that he has said things along these lines before and gotten enough positive feedback or head scratching 'hmmm you mighten be on tah sumthin here' responses to continue to believe it's okay to keep it up and push it forward. makes me incredibly sad.

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    1. I'm sure he's gotten tons of positive feedback. Some people actually buy into his bullshit. Makes me insane!!!!!

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  18. SG, may I swear? How 'bout I only sorta swear? I am so F*CKING SICK OF THIS SH*T!! WTF is wrong with people? Are they drinking someone's kool-aid to get these stooopid ideas in their heads? He probably also believes a girl can get pregnant from a toilet seat. I just... *shaking head and walking away

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    1. She can totally get pregnant from a toilet seat. But only if she WANTS to. Otherwise her body will just shut the whole thing down.

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  19. If this were reality, I'd totally high five you and buy you a drink. Or several, really. You are awesome and totally right in your post. I cannot believe asshats like him get voted in to represent their public. It's just unbelievable. I completely agree with you - too many stupid people!

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    1. I can't believe it either! It is truly baffling. And terrifying.

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  20. ugh. Puking over here. I've been trying to avoid this whole story because it's so f*cking upsetting. Asshole.

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    1. Very upsetting. I got a raging headache last night. Asshole, indeed.

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  21. Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!?! I'm incensed (is that how it's spelled?) What a DICK. For the record, I'm going to subscribe three more times to your blog. My work email (not to be used for personal shit), my google email (for my top secret blog) and my husband's email. He doesn't read them but so what? I AM SO GLAD YOU SHARED THIS SHIT. This information needs to be spread like everywhere. Where's the article? I need to post it on FB.

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    1. Oh how I wish I was kidding. You can access the article by clicking on the links in my post. Or just google Rep. Akin and rape. I wonder if he loves how is name will be forever associated with rape.

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  22. my cousin is a state representative here in georgia. He's a conservative republican. I called him earlier today (he's on my twitter) and asked him one and only one question.

    "Pete, are low taxes really worth associating yourself with guys like this Akin fella?"

    His response, "no. But don't blog or tweet that."

    Technically I'm doing neither since he doesn't know you.

    Guys are pretty stupid about women and women's issues. I live with 4 women, am friends with more women than men, and yet, even I
    m effin clueless about your gender. I know this. rape is awful and you can get pregnant everytime.

    good post. If I could follow you twice, I would

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    1. Very interesting! Don't worry his secret is save with me...and all my followers. :)

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  23. You had me at twatwaffle.

    And for real - if you don't understand basic human reproduction - what the hell are you doing running for public office?

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  24. didn't you know about the flushing mechanism? it's in all models later than 1970..what are we in fucking Stepford? I'm a very lucky, very lucky, very lucky girl..

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  25. oh for the love of all the brain cells he didn't grow....see, this right here is an example of how a little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. especially in the hands of a politician so backass ignorant, if he were any dumber, someone would have to water him.

    Scientifically, there is a kernel of truth that sudden and extreme stress can interfere with a woman's ovaluation. Certainly every woman on the planet would agree that rape would fall into that high stress category. Clearly this twat does not think so. Even still, it's not an absolute guarantee for goodness sakes. Nature will have it's way afterall.
    much like ignorant jackass politicians.
    Canadian politics seem so much easier....as long as you say it in both English and French: you're good to go.

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    1. Maybe that's the answer to our problems! Another language!

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  26. I'm so proud of you for standing up for what you know is right.
    Some things sound so ridiculous to some of us but others don't question them at all and follow along like sheep.
    Thank Gos for ppl like you who ask questions; raise awareness, and show the facts.
    We need more like you.

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  27. Glad someone wrote about this...that guy is a douche.

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  28. I'm the same, usually don't talk politics . . . so I won't. But I will say that I'm an African American woman who has studied history, law and the American Justice System. Hell, I've seen and read "Roots." I have traced some of my ancestors back to when they were involuntarily brought over "on the boat" from Africa. Yet am I 100% African? No. I think not. I am fair-skinned (but even if I was dark-skinned I could make the same argument). Do I think that an African slave and white free person married, set up house in 1800 and had babies that looked like me? No. There are no records of inter-racial marriages or consensual interracial relationships in my family. So, there's a good chance, a historical chance, that people like me and my ancestors are here as a result of rape at some time somewhere. I mean, c'mon. Women have been getting pregnant as a result of rape for -- ever!!! In some ways our country was built on it. (When slave trade slowed, slaves were forced to procreate, with each other, with the master or overseer. A slave woman who could bear children was more valuable. Do we think she had a choice in the time, place of conception -- or who impregnated her? Really?) I mean c'mon, dude. This is just one piece of one ethnic group's history that proves women get pregnant from rape. There are countless others. It's history, dude. I guess each time a coffee colored African slave woman gave birth to a mocha child after the master visited her quarters uninvited -- well, what was that? Don't let me even get started on prisoners of war. C'mon man, it's science and it's history.

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  29. You've probably gained followers with this one my friend, I'm RT'ing it because you just put into words exactly how a lot of women feel. And frankly, if a woman hears his comments and doesn't feel anger - there is something wrong there. Thank you for writing this.

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  30. I remember reading in *Watership Down* that female rabbits, in times of great stress (like the warren is overcrowded or whatever), can re-absorb their unborn young back into their bodies. Now, I have NO idea if that's true, but clearly Akins must have read this fact, confused women with rabbits, and voila, his science. I'm not sure which appalls me more, his blatant misogyny or his equally blatant stupidity. I guess, because he's an elected official, it's the stupidity: a man this dumb and with this paleolithic understanding of biology, actually holds an ELECTED OFFICE? And that unfolds an entire other room of horrors: other people voted for a man this stupid & this misogynistic. The blood chills and one wonders if really, this might be the end of days.
    Final thought: does Mrs Akin nod & smile & agree with this "scientific" nonsense? What would she say if, god forbid, one of her daughters got raped?

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  31. Thank you for writing this... I was starting to loose faith in humanity. This guy is on the Science committee... I'm terrified that there are morons like this helping to decide things for our kids... Who the hell are the idiots that support people like him and what hole in the ground did they crawl out of???

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  32. What a douche bag!!! Finger print that asshole. Why is he defending rapists? Love your blog. Keep writing.

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  33. We should serously have an eject button for all the cripplingly stupid people in the world. Or at least a gag or something.

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  34. Amazing article. So intriguing, informative and well written. The comments that followed were just as interesting. The man is demonic to even question if a woman was raped and then say the moronic remark that she could control getting pregnant. Pray that God convicts this idiot! Thank you for sharing! Peace.

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  35. Thank you for this. I've been kind of annoyed and numb - not full of rage about the whole thing. Probably because me cynicism expects it, despite my attempts to be sunny-happy-sunshine-lady. After the "women are like livestock" stuff that went down a while ago, nothing amazes me. Except it does. Thank goodness.

    So, thank you for making me chuckle about it, then frown, then smirk, then think whilst chuckling. I think I'm ready for a good, cynical cry.

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  36. The whole thing makes me so irate that I can barely see straight. It's utterly insane that this man is allowed to speak in public.

    I'm sure he'd be against contraception too, cuz, like, ya know if she jumps up and down after sex, a woman can't get pregnant... right?!!! Ugh.

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  37. I don't know how you managed to make me laugh so hard with such a serious topic. I, too, do not get political or religiony, but this guy is an asshat and I REALLY like your idea about borrowing an inmate for an hour so he can get the experience.

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  38. Saw you on FB.
    I don't know why this post would cause you to lose followers. I think it is fantastic and very funny even through your ranting. Great job. And yes, he is an idiot.

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  39. I think ranty posts are warranted when people are so incredibly ignorant. Good thing Akin brought this up though. Prior to his comments, I was under the impression that my super-powered uterus was able to just "shut that whole thing down". I also thought my ovaries had the power to inject the penises of legitimate rapists with liquid nitrogen to freeze off their balls. Alas, I have learned that's also not true.

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  40. I think this is your best post ever! Don't worry about losing followers; speak your mind, sister. Akin is bafflingly stupid, and every reader of yours with a functioning brain needs to know how scary and dangerous this guy is. Rock on, and encourage all of your thinking readers to get out there and VOTE!

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  41. I think we should all be able to speak our minds. You stood up for something that most of us agree with. As women, we need to support each other. You are doing what is right in your heart and to me...that should only bring you more followers.

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  42. In 1974, when I was 20, I was raped. And I got pregnant. Now, what happened? Was I asking for it? Even my mother thinks I was because I had been drinking. That hurts.

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.