Monday, August 6, 2012

Sleeping With The Husband

It's like Sleeping With The Enemy, except one of us doesn't try to kill the other one of us. Probably because we're both slobs. (That makes more sense if you've seen the movie.)

(Probably  not.)

There was that one time when the husband tried to kill me with a gold fish. Or maybe he was trying to play with a gold fish (because we all know how playful gold fish are). Either way, the whole thing was bizarre, at best.

Most nights, sleeping with the husband is nothing short of adventurous. And I'm not talking the horizontal mambo kind of adventure. Not that our horizontal mamboing isn't adventurous. I just think, that for all parties involved, it'd be best if the details of the horizontal mamboing were kept private.

Those of you who have hung around these parts for awhile know the adventure I speak of is conversations I have with the husband while he is sleeping.

If the husband had a choice, he'd spend 23 hours of the day asleep. It's not that he's lazy, it's that our bed is so freaking amazing. No seriously. It is. It's like sleeping on a cloud of marshmallows. And cotton balls. And the magic of a thousand unicorns.

No matter how awake, how energized, how amped up on coffee, 5 hour energy and Red Bull he is, if he comes within the general vicinity of our bed, he passes out. Instantly.




Yeah. He doesn't even make it in the bed.

With so few hours of the day spent awake, it only stands to reason that the husband needs to accomplish things whilst asleep.

Although wrestling furniture and yelling at the t.v. top his list of activities to do during slumber, sometimes he settles for plain ol' conversation with me, his often freaked out and baffled wife.

Take, for example, the other night. I get into bed. He, of course, is already there. I start talking and he opens his eyes.

Me: I'm wearing your underwear. It was in my drawer.

(Yes, I sometimes wear the husband's underwear. Yes it is very large and I have to secure it with safety pins and binder clips and there is lots and LOTS of extra room, but still, I wear it.)

The husband: I know. I gave it to you.


Me: Why?

The husband: There's a rip in it and it bothers me.

So far, this is making total sense. The underwear is, in fact, ripped. It doesn't even cross my mind that the husband isn't 100% awake. And then, this happens.

The husband: It's the blue and silver pair.

Me: There's no silver on this underwear, just blue.

The husband: No, my shoes.

Me: Shoes? What shoes?

The husband: My silver ones.

Me: You don't have silver shoes.

The husband: *sigh*

He's always sighing. As if I'm the one being illogical. He's a very impatient sleep-talker.

The husband: My sil-ver sho-es.

Thanks for the emphasis. It all makes sense now.

Me: Okay. So you have silver shoes and you gave them to me?

The husband:Yes. My silver tipped shoes.

This is where I stopped talking. Because if the husband owns shoes like this...
...I probably don't want to know about it.

The End.

P.S. If you Google "silver tipped shoes" a bunch of pictures of shoes comes up, and also? This...

Don't ever change, Google. Don't ever change.

Comment gems:

Classic NYer: But what if the monkey has a PASSION for ballet? Surely you wouldn't take that away from him with your restrictive "monkeys hate ballet" stereotype?
 
The Writer, Rinser, Repeater: The most searched phrase that leads to my page is "Hamster that poops glitter". I've never heard of such a thing, but now I know what the people want. 

44 comments:

  1. Those shoes are so amazingly awesome! How I wish he really did have silver tipped shoes to give you because WOW, that would be the ultimate present!

    And also...I hope his birthday is coming up because that sale only lasts for 24 hours! Don't want to miss out on THAT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, they did not have any silver tipped pairs, which we all know is the husband's favorite.

      Delete
  2. the bf and I have conversations in our sleep.... we need to set up a video camera ala Paranormal Activity.. except not as interesting... scratch that.. MORE interesting!

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  3. Does your husband always wear such short pants?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes. He likes showing off his lower calves and ankles.

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  4. I have trouble falling asleep under the best of conditions. My husband can sleep anywhere/anytime. Doesn't even need to be on his cloud bed. I believe the mattress he has actually has cloud in the name.

    His bed, you ask? Yeah, we totally don't sleep together. Not in the euphemism for sex way (we totally do that), but in the literal nightly rest way.

    I think your husband might be a pimp. Those shoes are pimp-o-licious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes separate beds are best. Especially if silver tipped shoes are involved.

      Delete
  5. I laugh because I have been there. More times than I would care to count in reality. My husband can also fall asleep anywhere, and he doesn't even have to enter our bedroom. I have seen him sleep and talk while standing. I have seen him eat/sleep at the same time. It never ceases to amaze me. Love the graphics you drew, it helps emphasize his love affair with sleep. The shoes cracks me up and the bikinis umm yeah..

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  6. Good thing you didn't find the adult underoos..I hope those shoes never turn up unexpectedly, like at a swanky affair..with pimps and hoes. We have a couch that does that every time

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    Replies
    1. You have a couch that shows up at swanky affairs with pimps and hos?

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  7. 1. I HAVE seen it so naturally I get it. 2. At least YOUR DH can make it to the bedroom. Mine is usually horizontal in the "lazy boy." Wonder why they call it THAT? Oh, Oh! I know! I know! Yah. And totally Googling silver tipped shoes. Awesome! P.S. I saved a biker tonight. The scary motorcycle kind. Yah. I did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Once they get horizontal in the lazy boy, they're done. For good.

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  8. My 8 year old is already a sleep talker. I can only imagine where this will take him in life. Certainly nothing as interesting as conversations about silver tipped shoes. You've got the market cornered on that one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It will probably take him awesomely terrifying places. Awesome for him. Terrifying for his wife.

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  9. I love your husband's Peter Pan-esque sense of style and his apparent ability to get naked between the kitchen and the bedroom. That's talent. And sassy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what he's best known for. His sassy talents. And sleepwalking, of course.

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  10. I am so envious of your cotton-ball bed. I want one. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It really is amazing. It's a wonder I every manage to get up and start the day.

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  11. I'm so glad he emphasized those words for you. In his sleep :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes. Me too. It made everything so clear.

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  12. I find emphasizing ridiculous statements makes them more logical. Last night (while sleep talking) I was telling my boyfriend that I was on an Olympic badminton team. WTF? I haven't even watched badminton! Apparently he tried to give me a kiss and I told him he couldn't distract me from my training; that I was visualizing my upcoming match against the Asians (really specific, I know).

    I love sleep-talk stories!

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  13. I am dying, I also sleep with a talker of nonsense. I've had to get up and go to the kitchen several times because I've had a Muttley laughing fit and I thought I'd wake the 7year old. I particularly almost peed at the 'Who's in the house? There's someone in the house' episode where he named about seventeen of his relations, none of whom were in the house.

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  14. my husband is the same way..can fall asleep anywhere within, like, seconds. It's like a gift - like he's Chaplin, but only he falls into bed, or a couch, or on the back deck while BBQing.
    I've never tried to talk to him in this state though, because honestly.....aren't they so cute when they're asleep :)
    or is that the children are cute when they're asleep?
    whatev, it's quiet...pass the wine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is cute when he's asleep, until he starts cackling. Then he's just terrifying.

      Delete
  15. Hubby talks gibberish in his sleep too. Or laughs hysterically. Once he shouted at me, repeatedly, "Cuppa Cuppa Kabubbly!" It was pretty awesome.

    Hilarious drawings.

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  16. My hubby falls asleep instantly. It is so irritating. At least yours sounds somewhat interesting.

    And... The silver tipped shoes? He could kick a vampire in the heart and kill it. Cool. I wonder if those shoes would work on zombies...

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    Replies
    1. It is so irritating how quickly they fall asleep! Don't they have things to think about?!?! No. It just proves how empty their minds really are.

      Delete
  17. LOL! My boyfriend is the EXACT same way. I love when he sleep talks to me because he says such ridiculous things. I encourage it and pretend to go along with whatever he's saying because then I can make fun of it when he wakes up in the morning. I've also been able to soothe him and change his dreams when he was having a nightmare just by talking to him.

    For instance, one night, he woke me up in a panic. I always think he's awake because his eyes are open, but then he screamed at me:

    "MAKE SURE TO WASH THE FLOORS WITH THE OCTOPUS."

    So I hugged him and said,"Okay, now go to sleep" and laid him back down and he was snoring. It was hilarious.

    Another time, I woke him up because I dropped my glasses on the ground and I'm blind, so I can't find them when I do this because I can't see where they are.

    Me: Hey, wake-up! I dropped my glasses on the ground, can you help me find them.

    Him: *sitting up, his eyes wide open* Your brother has them.

    Me: I'm one hundred percent positive that my brother doesn't have them. I just now dropped them on the ground. Wake-up all the way and help me search for him.

    Him: I told you, your brother has them! You know, the one that has all those arms?

    I cracked up here because what he was saying was so ridiculous.

    Me, on the other hand, I sleep yell at people. It's horrible, I hate it because I'm very cruel about it. I one time cussed out my boyfriend before waking up all the way and realizing in horror what I had just done as I looked at the hurt look on his face. I apologized over and over again, but I felt terrible. Me and sleep talking isn't so good.

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    Replies
    1. Oh Em Gee! So freaking funny!! The one that has all those arms. Hahahaha!

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  18. I'm laughing at the pile of drool in the last cartoon :)
    So, does the husband have any theories as to why he'd want to discuss silver shoes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He probably does...and I probably don't want to know about them.

      Delete
  19. Need more info about silver tipped shoes. Stat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll ask the husband about them tonight when he's asleep.

      Delete
  20. I once sat bolt upright in bed and said, "Dad?" Another time, I was shopping for leggings and was disappointed in my color options. And another time, I refused to believe I was on Mark's side of the bed. He kept trying to get me to scoot over, but I kept saying, "Scoot over WHERE??" Good times!

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  21. Oh and I'm glad your bed is comfy. Mine sucks. Lol.

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  22. Oh, and last thing...I had an amazing dream about my dad's pet grizzly last night. Good stuff.

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  23. Ah, gotta love google searches :)

    This was a blast to read. I needed a pick me up for my saturday.

    .......dhole

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You certainly do. Especially when they produce images like that!

      Delete

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