Monday, June 18, 2012

No One Told Me There'd Be Math

Remember when I said I was making a quilt?

Well I am. And as per usual, I am awesome at it. And by "awesome" I mean I have become the Crazy Quilt Lady. It's like the Crazy Cat Lady but with more fabric squares and a greater possibility of sewing your finger to your forehead.

I know as much about making a quilt as I do about removing someone's small intestine. Not that I want to remove someone's intestines, I'm just saying that should intestines ever need to be removed, I would most likely suck at it. Which is probably a good thing. It'd be a little weird if at the top of my List of Accomplishments was "Intestines Removal Champion 2012."

Unless, of course, I was a doctor who was competing with other doctors to see who could remove the most intestines in a pre-determined amount of time. However, I think that would land me on the "Worst Doctor in the History of Ever" List and I promised myself I would never end up on that list.

I don't know. Remember when blogging was simple and all we talked about was anal bleaching?

Speaking of anal bleaching, I'm making a quilt!

See what I did there?

I may have started out a novice, but in the days, weeks, months it's taken me to make a very small quilt, I've learned quite a bit. The rules of quilting are really quite simple:

1. Cut four hundred thousand fabric squares.

2. Spread them all over your house.

3. Freak the f*ck out.

I tried to enlist the help of the husband, but he was all, "This soccer game won't watch itself!" and proceeded to be absolutely useless.

Me: What pattern should I make?

The husband: I don't know.

Me: Should I do it like this?

The husband: It's your quilt.


The husband: This is your project. You figure it out.

Me: What's 15 x 27.

The husband gives me the answer without using a calculator.

Me: What makes a square?

The husband: Seriously?

Me: If I do four rows of five with five inch squares...Carry the one...I need some paper! Help meeee!

The husband: This is your project. You're smart. You can figure it out.

Me: Your faith in my abilities is admirable. Laughable, but admirable.

A few minutes later...

Me: Oh! I know. I'll lay them out like this.  Fourteen rows of eleven. Yes, that's it! Yay, I am the quilting winner! I...Crap! Now there's two blues next to each other. What the hell am I doing?

The husband: Ooh! Did you see that kick? It was awesome.

I did not see the kick, but I can assure you, it was not awesome. Nothing about soccer is awesome. Except when it's over.

Me: One, two, three, four...No,, two, three, four, five...

The husband: Good job, baby. What comes after five?

Me: Shut up.

Me: Oh look! I've got it! Purple, peacock, blue, stars. Repeat the pattern. Yay!

The husband: You're just talking to hear yourself talk, now. You know that, right?

Me: Crapdammit! It didn't work. It's because of the math! It all comes down to math. No one told me quilting would involve math!

I then proceeded to stomp, curse and throw stuff for the next twenty  minutes.

A word of warning: if you throw pins all over your house, it will take months to find them all, and sometimes you find them in rather painful and, uh, unfortunate ways.

The more you know.

Finally, I screamed with triumph and much boasting, "The diagonal! It's all about the diagonal! This is how math works."

The husband: I'm pretty sure someone who says 'this is how math works' has no idea how math works.

Honestly, what the heck does he know? He does math without a calculator.

Pretty soon my house looked like this:

The husband was super excited to have quilting squares take over the house.
Here's some more math for you: Quilting crap all over your house + annoyed husband = quilting crap relegated to the downstairs bedroom.

I whined to he husband that there is inadequate light down there. My sewing machine weighs forty-thousand pounds and there's no way a wee little lass like myself can haul it up the stairs. He replied that any time I wanted to work on my quilt to just tell him and he'd bring my sewing machine upstairs.

Any time? Really? It's currently two fifteen in the a.m. I'm pretty sure when the husband said any time, he especially meant two in the morning when he's sound asleep.

Let's find out, shall we...


As expected, that did not go well.

You know what does go well at two in the morning? Giving out a bloggy award!

In my last post I mentioned that over the last few months, a few super-fab bloggers have graciously awarded me the most coveted of all bloggy recognition - A Bloggy Award. It's taken me so long to pass along the award because they usually come with the condition that you must reveal seven things about yourself. And that makes me so nervous, I poop my pants. And as much as the husband dislikes being woken to haul my sewing machine around the house, he really hates to be woken to the news I've crapped myself.

So in order to maintain my sexiness, I've decided to skip the whole seven things thing and just hand out the award. (In case anyone wants to lecture me on this, you can save it. I preceded the whole award thingy with a very awesome post, which takes care of the whole seven things thing.)

Today's award is the Very Inspiring Blogger Award, given to me by the uber chic Blogdramedy. Not only is she tres cool, but in high school, she was also voted Most Likely to Never Crap Her Pants.That's probably a total lie. Not the never crapping her pants part, but the part about being voted on for never crapping her pants.

Hey! Here's a thought. Do you think people who crap their pants are more likely to undergo anal bleaching?

You guys ponder that while I show off my award and pass it along to fifteen, that's right, FIFTEEN, bloggers.

And the award goes to...

The Southern Norther
Just a Lil Blog
Dads Who Change Diapers
Dad of the Decade
it's so Fuzzy!
The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom
Kelley's Break Room
Shut the Front Door
Contemplating Happiness
Rubber Chicken Madness
Time Out for Mom
Dude of the House
My Suitcase Full of Tricks
the robot mommy
A Working Woman's Guide to Dinner Or...If I Cook Chicken A La King One More Time I'll Kill Myself

For those of you who like to follow the rules, share seven things about yourself and pass the award on to fifteen bloggers.

And now, it's time for Comment Gems! Remember, every comment is a treasure to my heart, but here are a few highlights.

Klahanie: ...Just realising this has brought a joyous tear to my eye and I shall sing and dance and let the whole world know!... Your starstruck fan, Gary

Every time he comments, I can't help but feel he is mocking me...and I kind of love it.

Jen Has A Pen: ...Sometimes, you really DO just pee in your underwears. Same goes for nip pinching.

There was more to her comment, but this part spoke to me on so many levels.



  1. Hahaha quilting is clearly way more complicated than I realized...thanks for the warning. :P

  2. I'm pretty sure I'd wind up in the looney bin, padded cell and all. And math is evil. Pure evil.

  3. Aha, very good! I'm sure you don't care, but I'm very good at math. In particular, totalling up numbers, very fast, 'I hasten to add'.
    Quilting seems like such fun. Somewhat similar, I went to the 'Comedy Knitting' workshop. Had me in stitches!
    Oh yeah, congrats on that award and to all those you so kindly forwarded the award onto.
    I'm flattered, humbled and my nipples are tingling with delight that you acknowledged my previous comment in this latest must read article of yours. Your life got that little bit better. Thanks for gracing me with such an award winning comment on my shy and unassuming blog.
    Good to know that "Jen Has A Pen".
    Your adoring fan, Gary...

  4. So I guess you don't want to hear about the time I pulled out the old pythagorean theorem to figure out how much tile I had to order at the tile shop? The sales lady was astounded! Those damn diagonals! :)

  5. My respect for my grandmother, who used to sit in her "parlour" with 8-10 other neighbour ladies and quilt...All Frickin Day long (except for tea time of course, they were civilized) has grown immeasurably larger. never saw a calculator or a scrap of paper and pen for furious mathematical scribblings. They Just Sewed. All Day.
    hhmmm...let me go check my quilt she made for me.
    well count my toes and slap me silly.....diagonal squares.

    Thanks for the lovely award too!

  6. See once upon a time a long time ago I decided I wanted to quilt as well. Until I ran into the issue you discussed. Cutting the squares and then ensuring that the pattern fell just right. I have boxes and bags of material. Material I cut by hand. Did you know they sell tools to make the square cutting easier. Yeah I discovered that AFTER I cut out a gazillon squares. Your hubby sounds as helpful as mine was and mine doesn't watch soccer, or basketball or any other sport to speak of.

  7. Aww... You sweet quilting thang. I'd never attempt the peril of crazy youve started.

    The award is beautiful. I love it. :)

  8. I was laughing through this whole post! I hate math and now that I know quilting involves calculations, I'm confident that I will never quilt. That and the fact that when I was forced to take sewing in grade 7 I sewed pockets to the ankles of the pants I made. It was not on purpose.

    Also, glad to see anal bleaching made a comeback.

  9. Mojoshmojo...
    You are a rutless coward. Ok maybe bot cowards, but I couldn't find a good word for a play on gutless. Sigh. It's less funny when I explain it.
    Regardless. Awesome funny post. Love!

  10. Well crapdammit, I think I dig your style.

  11. it's about the diagonals? Really?

    Listen, you totally gave me that thing because you read about me pooping my pants, didn't you?

  12. I'm honored! But I see through this little blog award thing: You're challenging me to see if I can Out-Crap my last blog post. Sneaky. And my favorite part about this post: How your husband looks like The Hulk and Peter Pan's love child (if that love child made "jazz hands").

  13. I love it when you draw pictures! I really can't get through any of your posts without crying (from laughing of course). You're hilarious!

  14. Oh my GAWD! That's hilarious! Only not really. I actually sewed the sewing machine needle through my thumb once. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't pull my hand away from the sewing machine. I will NEVER quilt.

  15. I actually stopped sewing when my husband pointed out that the hems on his pants were "wavy"....what the hell....I SEWED...SEWED...SEWED (damn you) Quilting just looks like a good way to kill a case of wine and pass out in a heap of scrap fabric.

    Thanks for the award! I shudder at the thought of what I might tell about myself!!

  16. Thanks for the award, little Sarcasm Quilter! I'm honored!

    As a girl who was given a passing grade in high school math ONLY as a mercy to me and ploy to get me the hell out of there...and a woman married to a man who can figure out compound frickin' angles... I feel your pain. I tried making a quilt and it came out a crazy quilt, though that was not my intention. I tried crochet: it was going to be a round afghan. I must have counted wrong because what I ended up with was a gigantic, fuzzy yamulke.

    I'll stick with making chicken tetrazzini and call it good.

  17. I will never attempt quilting now. Never ever.

  18. Glad to see you took the leap...into the quilting squares that is. I told you determining the "pattern" would be the hardest part. And it is good to know that you now have a sewing machine....when and if I get back, we can start a sewing club!!! Good luck...and post pictures!

  19. Friggin math! It takes the fun out of everything. I think I am going to scratch quilting from my bucket list now! ;-)

  20. You know what my brain did just now when you mentioned math? It went "twenty seven times fifteen? Wait, I can do that! That's twenty seven times three times five which is eighty one times five which is ... um ...eight times five is forty and five times one is five so four oh five... four hundred and five!... am I right? Am I right?" And my husband was all "I don't fucking know!"

  21. You killed me witht this!!! Math? For quilting? Fuck that, I'll buy one!

  22. Thank you for the award hon! I will put it up with my next update :D.

  23. I hate quilting so much that once when I FINALLY sewed all of the squares together, I cut pants and a twirly dress out of the panels. It made the cutest dress-set. Every time my daughter wore that I smiled, because that's the last time I ever tried quilting lol

  24. AHHAHAHA, this was a hilarious post. I like that your husband looks like Robin Hood!

  25. Wellllll? You've never just peed in your underwears? You are such a snob.

    I shalt never quilt. Math? Forget it. It's so wonderful we married men who know how to count. George is always AMAZED by the things I cannot add.

  26. Aww thanks, SG. You are too kind, giving me both an award and homework.

    In response to your question: "Do you think people who crap their pants are more likely to undergo anal bleaching?"

    ...I don't know, but they are certainly more likely to undergo underwear bleaching.

    On that note, mwaaa!


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