Sunday, June 17, 2012

The New Golden Rule

When the husband and I were in the city of vomit aka New Orleans, a scantily clad, slightly cracked out bartender/shot girl asked the husband if he would like to buy a rainbow-colored test tube shot.

The husband declined, probably because he's classy and likes to take his shots from a plain ol' shot glass served by a non-cracked out girl. Or maybe because he hates rainbows. I don't know.

The shot girl responded with, "Just because you don't want a shot doesn't mean I can't pinch you and rub your nipples."

Uh...I had no idea there was any connection between the two, but I'm pretty sure that's EXACTLY what it means.

At first glance it appeared this girl had taken one two many of her rainbow-colored libations, because the hell? But upon further examination, I realized this girl has her shit together in ways most of us can only dream of.

We grow up believing the key to life is "do unto others as you would have others do unto you." In other words, don't be an asshat and people won't be an asshat to you.

It's a beautiful sentiment, really, it is. But unfortunately, it's a load of crap. The truth is, no matter how nice you are, sometimes life is one giant asshat.

And thanks to the cracked out shot girl, I now know the key to life (or at least the key to not ending up in the corner eating your hair) is "how to handle rejection with grace."

If you think about it, "Just because you don't want a shot doesn't mean I can't pinch you and rub your nipples" is the perfect response to every rejection life throws your way.  Just replace "don't want a shot" with the rejection of your choice and you'll never be disappointed again. It's all about finding the silver lining.

Examples:

Guy: I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore.

You: Just because you don't want to be my boyfriend doesn't  mean I can't pinch you and rub your nipples.

Guy: Excellent point! Rub and pinch away.

*
Server: I'm sorry madam, but we are all out of the duck confit.

You: Just because you don't have duck confit doesn't  mean I can't pinch you and rub your nipples.

Server: I was going to suggest the beef wellington, but this is a much better solution!

*
Blog Follower: I'm sorry, but I don't want to follow your blog anymore:

You: What?!!?!?!??!? WHYYYYYYY?!?!!!  Why don't you love me anymore!! What can I do to win you back?!??!?! I know! I'll pinch you and rub your nipples!

Blog Follower: You know the key to my follow button.

*

Interviewer: I'm sorry, but I just don't think you're the right person for this position.

You: Just because you don't want to hire me doesn't  mean I can't pinch you and rub your nipples.

Interviewer: Security!

Okay, so maybe it doesn't work for every situation, but I think we can all agree that approaching life with a little pinching and nipple rubbing will lessen the sting of rejection. However, it may increase stinging of the nipple region. Proceed with caution.

And now for something sweet... Over the last few months, several of you have given me the greatest honor a blogger can receive...a bloggy award!!  I'm sure I look like an ungrateful asshat by not posting them on my blog and passing the honor along, but I'm not ungrateful.  I promise. I just have issues. In order to accept and pass along the award, the recipient usually has to answer a series of questions about herself. To most people, this is no big deal. For me? Cue the shakes, a cold sweat and curling into the fetal position.

And so, I have made a bold decision. Screw the questions, I'm just going to pass on the award. 

I know. I'm such a badass.

Many, many moons ago, the amazing Rory Bore of Time Out for Mom bestowed upon me the Irresistibly Sweet Blogger Award.

It is with great pleasure that I pass the award on to the following bloggers:


For those of you interested in playing by the rules, the Rules of the Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award are:

   - Post 7 random facts about yourself.
   - Pass the award on to 10 more wonderful bloggers.

Get ready for an explosion of bloggy love. In the coming weeks I will be accepting and passing along lots of bloggy awards. I may even get back to making some of my custom awards.

You're excited, right?

No?!

Well don't worry, just because you're not excited doesn't mean I can't pinch you and rub your nipples.


 


49 comments:

  1. My nipples hurt just reading this!! Hilarious and thank you so much, lovely goddess!!

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    Replies
    1. Then they are not being rubbed right! I think they're supposed to tingle.

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  2. Why thank you ma'am. I'm sitting here waiting to be pinched and have my nipples rubbed......still waiting....still waiting.....hello?

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    Replies
    1. Oh sorry! I was tied up pinching a long line of nipples. Who knew it'd be so popular!

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  3. I seriously kept expecting you to tell me to feck off and never read your blog again. And then I just knew I was the blogger you wanted to unfollow. I happen to like nipple pinching and rubbing. Too much?

    Thank you millions for including me among a great list of bloggers!!!

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    Replies
    1. There's no such thing as TMI! Please, keep sharing!

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  4. So, long story. I used to volunteer for Big Brother's Big Sister and my "little" was an 8 year old boy with some social issues. Anyway, the first time he spent the night at my house, I barely slept a wink worried he might wake up in a strange place and be scared, or be thirsty, or whatever. Anyway, he slept in fairly late, and when I finally heard him jiggle the knob of the bedroom door, I lept off the couch to meet him. Anyway, as soon as he opened the door and saw me, he looked up and said, "Thometimth you jutht pee in yuhr undawearth." Dude was so right. Sometimes, you really DO just pee in your underwears. Same goes for nip pinching.

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    Replies
    1. Bahahaha! That is so so true. Except sometimes happens a little too often for me.

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  5. Good gosh, well don't you make some interesting points in this must read article. Well, a couple of points, anyway.
    I note you are, of course, "Irresistibly Sweet". Just realising this has brought a joyous tear to my eye and I shall sing and dance and let the whole world know! Well done and well done to those you forwarded the award onto. I thank you for not including me in the list. I mean my awards trophy is bulging...but that's another story.
    Right then, that just about tit from me.
    Your starstruck fan, Gary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry, just cuz you didn't get an award doesn't mean I won't pinch you and rub your nipples.

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  6. Thank you for the award :D Hmm, I should probably get to making an award post with all the awards I've gotten recently! (it's 3, just 3 but I love them all!)

    I think the rejection line is brilliant. I think I could pinch you, but I may have to work up to the nipple pinching. I'm an introvert.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we should probably do lunch first before we start pinching nipples.

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    2. Whoops, I meant nipple *rubbing*; however, I understand there are people who are into that sort of thing.

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  7. I am using this on the hubs next time he says he doesn't want to do the dishes. Oh wait, maybe not! You are hilarious, glad I found you :)

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    Replies
    1. I guess that depends on whether he likes nipple pinching! Glad to be found!

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  8. I hear pinching and nipple rubbing is the new trend...I know a great outfit to wear for the occasion too - talk about easy access..
    Thanks for the award - I must make you one for giving me the most!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must! Or you could just pinch my nipples. I'm not picky.

      Delete
  9. I'm touched.
    And will be doing more touching once I put your advice into practice.
    Thank God ive just finished Fifty Shades of Grey so I know how to give a good flogging.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha! Yes, I think that needs to be added. "Just because you don't have those shoes in my size doesn't mean I can't pinch you, rub your nipples and flog you.

      Delete
  10. I'm officially scared to ever stop following you.

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    Replies
    1. Excellent! But you should know, either way, I'm probably going to rub your nipples.

      Delete
  11. Hahahha what an odd thing to say! A very specific reaction.

    Congrats on the award!

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  12. I'll tingly over here...wait? I'm also alone? who.. WT...!

    but you, still sweetly irresistible. even with the whole "rules smules" thing. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uh oh... are your nipples being rubbed by a ghost?

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  13. LMAO! Awesome...I'm filing that response away for future use.

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  14. I'm filing that away in the old noggin!!! Great education today! :)

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    Replies
    1. I am a teacher, first and foremost. You have been a most excellent pupil. Now let's put your new-found skills to practice!

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  15. you deserve the blog award .. and I`m definitely going to use that line the next time something shitty happens to me ... there are going to be a lot of sore nipples out there.

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  16. If I gracefuly decline, will you pinch and rub my nipples? Somewhere out there is a super pregnant woman declining someone in the hopes they will pinch and rub her nipples and bring on labor.

    THANK YOU FOR THE AWARD!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can I be honest? I'll probably pinch you and rub your nipples no matter what.

      Delete
  17. Sometimes it's possible to stretch an analogy TOO far. I'm not saying unequivocally that's the case here. . . I'm just suggesting the possibility exists.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'm suggesting the possibility that that possibility exists is an impossibility.

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  18. I am going to try this response today everywhere I go. We'll test it to see how it works. It should be an interesting day.

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    Replies
    1. Excellent! I can't wait to hear about your day!

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  19. That really is a very versatile response. I do think I'll have to start using it! My husband thanks you (because he's a firm believer of do unto others....)

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  20. Nipple pinching hurts so freekin much!!!!

    Sincerely,
    People dating robots

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe you should put the robot on a lower nipple pinching setting.

      Delete
  21. Best. Response. Ever.

    I'm going to start saying that to customers where I work when they don't want to apply for a credit card ;).

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    Replies
    1. Excellent! I can't wait to hear how excited they are!

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  22. You kill me.

    Every time I think you can't get any funnier...

    "well, then pinch and rub away!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the invitation. I am happy to pinch and rub!

      Delete
  23. Thank you very much for the award, my friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, and I read this allowed to my friends yesterday. It was good fun!

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    2. Do you pinch anyone or engage in nipple rubbing?

      Delete
  24. I'm still waiting to find out if the bartender really did pinch him and rub his nipples. Because THAT would make it a party!

    ReplyDelete

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