Sunday, June 24, 2012

It Was Only A Matter of Time

On Friday, I sent out a tweet asking you guys to pray for rain. Apparently, some of you guys prayed to the humiliation gods instead.

Our last kickball game of the season was on Friday. Well, I was hoping it was the last. Miraculously, we had made it to the playoffs. If we lost the game, our season was over. If we won...the hell would continue.

I'm not saying our team sucks, but I was pretty confident in our ability to lose. One more hour, I kept chanting. One more hour to potentially humiliate myself.

Truthfully, I wasn't really worried about it. Other than the first game where I almost face-planted, I hadn't come close to embarrassing myself. I assumed I could go just one more hour without branding myself the worst kickballer in the history of ever.

But you know what they say about assumptions: they make you look like an asshole in front of everyone.

My first kick didn't go so well. It rolled over the top of my foot and out of bounds. Not my finest hour, but no face-plant, so, WIN!

On my second kick, I made good contact! It rolled between second and third base and I took off toward first. Now, I may not be the most athletic person to ever set foot on the field, but I. Am. Fast. Which was a good thing because a defender scooped up the ball. From the corner of my eye I could see he was going to throw it to the first base girl. Now this girl wasn't a "ah-there's-ball-coming-my-way-ew-balls-are-icky-I'm-going-to-drop-it" kinda girl. She was a "Imma-dominate-this-ball-and-catch-it-with-my-bear-hands-rawr!" kinda girl.

So I knew that in order to be safe I was going to have to outrun the throw.

I bet you guys think this is where the humiliation comes in, but allow me to remind you: I. Am. FAST!!

It was close, but I made it! My foot touched the base a millisecond before she caught it.

Yay! I made it!! IN YOUR FACE!! I'm so fast! I am the winnnnerrr!! I'm...still running. Okay, legs, you can stop running now.

No, seriously, stop running.

My legs: No way, bitch. We hate you!

And so I was at the mercy of my fast, forward-moving legs. But not only were they going forward, they were also driving me down. To the ground. To humiliation town.

No! I've been here before and I recovered. There was no way I was going to face-plant. Miraculously, my legs started to recover. My body started to go vertical again.

Oh praise the lawd! I have saved myself aga...

The next thing I knew, I was airborn.  Both of my legs left the ground and I was flying horizontal through the air. And then, as if my body didn't hate me enough, I started to turn, in midair, the kickball equivalent of a triple salchow (that's sow-cow, for you non figure skating enthusiasts).

I was powerless to stop it. I was powerless to do anything other than ride the oh-my-shit-what-the-hell-is-happening-I-hate-my-life! train.

After making a quarter turn, gravity took over and slammed me to the ground where I landed on my hip. 
I'm honestly not sure which is worse, a mouthful of dirt, or flopping around like a fish out of water.

Everyone was like, "Oh my gosh, are you okay!?"

I was all, "What? That? Oh I planned to do that."

The truth is, when you experience something that humiliating, your mind doesn't even know how to process it. It's like you float above yourself and watch the whole thing thinking, "Wow, look at that poor girl embarrass the crap out of herself."

It's not until hours later that you realize "that girl" was you.

Needless to say, we lost the game and our season was over. Everyone was all, "let's go to the bar and drown our sorrows." But I was like, "sorrows? are you kidding me. it's time to celebrate. it's over!"

Another season starts in six weeks. I am happy to report I will be cheering on my team from the bleachers with a box of wine. 

31 comments:

  1. It's hard when you get up that much momentum.... I was on track and field but I had to quit because, like you, I also was a complete and total clutz.

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    1. Oh, I'm not a klutz. I planned that. Remember?

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  2. BUT, you were safe...Feel better? :D

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  3. Box wine, so much better than physical exertion. Congrats on finishing the season!

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    1. Surviving is more like it. But, thanks. :)

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  4. This is exactly why my mother calls me Grace. I can fall UP the stairs (forget about what happens when I get a good speed up)!

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  5. You are awesome. After a craptastic day, this made me laugh. Thank you for that!!

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  6. I'm so sorry that I just laughed at you. The birds made me do it!! Until those birds came around I was actually cringing with you in embarrassment. Thank goodness for bars to get over our troubles, right?!

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  7. awwww. . . poor kid. *gives you a medal for participation*

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  8. yeah I have that problem. Mainly because I have huge boobs and they tend to pull me forward. Meaning I lean over with them.. on a positive side they are big enough to cushion me fairly well...

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  9. OMG you make me laugh so hard! The birds were really a nice touch!

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  10. I am impressed you participated- that's about three steps further than I would have gone!! So sorry that happened, but at least there was wine when it was over!

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  11. Sorrows... celebration... who cares if there's drinking involved?

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  12. sitting in my office laughing my pants off esp since i have the visual to go with this. as it was happening i was thinking both "oh no this is her nightmare" and "this will make a GREAT blog post."

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  13. Cheering + Wine = Pure Awesome :0)

    I hate it when my body won't do what I tell it to ;)

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  14. Anytime there is wine involved, especially when you are sitting down already, it a great time! No worries about falling on your face...only the prospect of falling off the bleachers! Take the bottom seat!

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  15. Been there. Done that. On concrete. Main street. Watched by my dogs.

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  16. And all this time, I've been gunning to play on a team. Now, I'm not so sure. Love the artwork, by the way.

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  17. Omg. I'm laughing so hard.
    It's true. You do kind of float above yourself until later when you go into dry heaves

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  18. Kickballer! What a great word!!!! You go, Girl. I can commiserate...I have a valid excuse though....bad knees and I NOT fast. Funny post!

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  19. My husband gave me the eyeball because I laughed a couple times harder than others....I don't think I've ever ran that fast. Maybe once when I was young but I blocked it out because the same thing happened I bet..

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  20. Hahhahah at least its over!!

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  21. Love the graphics! There is no way that would happen to me - I pretty much get outrun by every living creature on the planet (which is especially embarrassing at the parent races during "fun day" in school...)

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  22. haha. this reminds of the one time i played soccer for my brother's team. i got the ball, ran the entire length of the field with no one even close to me while thinking 'i run like the wind! i am king of the field! scored a goal and as i swung around cheering and high fiving myself i realised i had run in the wrong direction and scored a goal for the other team.
    they never let me play again.
    Fun post :)

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  23. Haha, THIS. This is exactly why I refuse to play any sort of spectator sport, although you sure turned it into a great story.
    You are braver than me!!

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  24. I was laughing before I saw the cartoons, but they put this over the top. Great post! Erin

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  25. Um. What I think is humiliating is that you were apparently playing kickball naked.

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  26. Ha! If it makes you feel better, I used to play softball (I say that very loosely, I'm really still not sure why I ever put myself through it. I was TERRIBLE). However, one day I got a solid SOLID really good hit into left field. I was so excited and took off. I tripped over home plate from the batter's box and fell flat on my face. The coach stood over me screaming repeatedly "Get up and run!" I am still scarred.

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  27. Perhaps Dodgeball is more up your alley. There it's OK to fall, you can say you are just dodging something.

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  28. Hilarious! If I am correct, this is your second round of kick ball humiliation? Crack open that box now and drink from the spigot. You earned it! :) Ellen

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