Monday, June 11, 2012

If You Think It's Vomit, It Probably Is

The husband and I recently returned from a trip to New Orleans.  As per usual, we almost died. And by that I mean the turbulence was a real asshole. The husband delighted in telling me I was being dramatic and hysterical about the whole thing, to which I pointed out that people actually screamed as the plane was tossed about and then plummeted. To which he pointed out that the only screaming going on was from the voices inside my head. To which I was all, touche.

The children sitting behind us were giggling and saying it was like a Disney World ride. I really really wanted to turn around and scream, "Yeah, except this ride ends in death!" But I refrained because I think one of the hallmarks of being an adult is not destroying the wide-eyed, life's a Disney World ride, innocence of children.

You're welcome, children.

I was more than a little relieved when our plane touched down, because although I've never died in a fiery plane crash, I'm pretty sure it would suck. And call me dramatic if you must, but I'd even venture to say it would ruin your whole damn day.

This was our fourth trip to the city and therefore I am now an expert on all things Nawlins. Following are a few important things to note to make your trip truly enjoyable.

Packing: If the reason for your visit is to attend the wedding of a college friend and you ask your husband before you leave if his suit needs to be dry cleaned, DO NOT trust him when he says, "no." It always needs to be dry cleaned. Men can't be trusted to be responsible for the cleanliness of their clothes. This is not a character flaw, it's a fact of life. They spend their days slaying dragons and saving us from castles, they don't have time to worry whether their suit of armor is shiny while doing it.

Hygiene: Don't bother showering the entire time. It's a colossal waste of time. You're going to get puked on, peed on, or step in feces as soon as you step out of your hotel. Yes, it's disgusting. But if it happens right after you've showered and got your hair did all fabulous like, it's disgusting and irritating to the point of stabbyness.

Drinks: The city is famous for a drink called hand grenades. The bartenders won't tell you what's in them, but here's a hint: it's poison. It's not the alcohol that will make you wish for death, but the sugar. After three sips you'll feel like your stomach is being ripped apart by razor blades. Honestly, this stuff makes drinking an entire bottle of moonshine sound refreshing.

Fashion: Me: Should I wear these shoes or these? These hurt my feet.

The husband: You should definitely not wear shoes that hurt your feet.

Me: But the hurty ones are cuter.

The husband: *sigh*

If you have a choice between hurty shoes, and non-hurty shoes, go with the non-hurty ones. Maybe. It depends on how cute they are. In order to decide, determine the hurty/cuteness ratio, plus your tolerance for pain, divided by your husband's patience for whining, multiplied by the likelihood that one of your friends will take pity on you and carry you. If you're too drunk to figure out the answer, you should wear the hurty ones.

Shopping: Ladies, there is a store called Pop City on the corner of St. Phillip and N. Peters. The clothes there are the most adorable in the history of ever and upon seeing them you will instantly fall in love and want to buy them all. However, before stepping foot inside you should either rob a bank or bring your Sugar Daddy. Otherwise, you'll have to leave them behind and spend the rest of your days pining for the dress and the cuteness that could have been.

Transportation: If you get in a taxi and yell NACHOS AND NAKED SHOW! the driver will not take you there. Probably because you didn't give him an address, but also because that makes no freaking sense.

Awesomeness: And, of course, the best thing about New Orleans is the opportunity to increase your awesomeness factor.
New Mask = Increased Awesomeness

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash three days worth of other people's vomit out of my hair.


  1. We had the same damn plane ride from Hawaii. I think the same damn kids were sitting behind us, too! The had the audacity to yell, "WEEEEEEE!!!" as we plummeted to the ground! Then they asked if we could do that again!
    In the meantime, I was too scared to get up out of my seat to wipe the skidmarks off my panties.

  2. "If you get in a taxi and yell NACHOS AND NAKED SHOW! the driver will not take you there. Probably because you didn't give him an address, but also because that makes no freaking sense."

    If you get into a taxi in any city and yell NACHOS AND NAKED SHOW! and the driver starts driving instead of looking at you like you're a psycho, then there's something wrong. Get out of the cab. Get out of that city.

  3. Sounds like an awesome trip...other than the plane ride, and hurty shoes, and barf in your hair. At least you got a sweet ass mask!

  4. OMFG! I HATE flying! I'm a puker, but I am an adult now so I can self-medicate. Eeeew!

  5. LOVE the mask. You are so right about the vomit. The last time I was there some guy puked all over my leg. It was so disgusting. And those hurricanes are the most wicked alcoholic concoctions I EVAH had!!!

  6. Love Nawlins too! Oh, btw. My recipe for Zen on the plane? Liquor, xanax, and an ear patch to prevent barfing.

  7. I want to go so badly!! Hubby and I need to take a trip SOON!

  8. Yeah, so I was on a flight a couple of weeks ago, they totally did the shove the plane sideways in midair deal. Is this supposed to be a new perk to flying? If so, I'm buying a canoe. I'll pick you up on my way to anywhere.

  9. Haha sounds like a fun (sticky) time. And the flight?! Yiiikes. I woulda been freaking, too.

  10. And now I really want to go to Nawlins. I think the puke sold me.

  11. now I really want to go to New Orleans.. even more than I wanted to go before.

    Glad you didn't die in a fiery plane crash.

  12. Mask is nice, and likes the color of it, thanks for given me great spending time.

  13. You are so humorous that its a hazard to my health. My friend caught the scabies in the Big Easy. That sucked.

  14. Glad you didn't die in a plane crash. Dying before we've met face to face is rude.

  15. That new mask is all shades of awesomeness!!! I remember flying to DC in High School. During that flight we all had our hands up in the air as if we were riding a roller coaster!! Fast forward to present time when I was flying home from Cabo San Lucas and with just a touch of turbulance felt like I was going to die!! Getting old sucks hairy donkey balls!

  16. I haven't been, but New Orleans sounds like a bigger dump than Vegas. I went in early May and I still can't get the stink out.

  17. Look how cute you are. I agree with you TOTALLY about New Orleans and the friends I went with don't really speak to me anymore because I was so negative the whole time. It's a dump in the center.


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