Friday, June 22, 2012

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Exploit 'Em

Remember when I wrote a post about how Fifty Shades of Grey was one giant crap fest?

Well, I may have been a little harsh. Judged it a little unfairly.

Just kidding.

That book sucks balls.

But that doesn't mean we can't learn something from it.

If you want to write a best seller, write about and/or allude to kinky sex. Your audience will be so sex starved and stupid to notice the crap that runneth betwixt the pages.

As true as that may be, that's not what I'm talking about. I've heard a lot of rumors about this book. Some I believe to be utter hogwash (in my mind, there is absolutely no connection to Twilight), but there is one I choose to belief. Perhaps some of you can confirm its veracity.

I've heard several times that E.L. James never claimed to be a writer. In fact, she wrote the books (or at least the first one) without the intention of it ever being read by another soul. In other words, she wrote for the pure joy of writing. She wrote a story she wanted to read.

Imagine that.

Say what you want about her books (they sucketh), but you've got to admire a writer who writes for herself first and the market second.

Or you don't. Whatever, it's your call.

I've been bashing my head against the wall for weeks trying to figure out how a book like hers even gets published, but somewhere amidst all that bashing, a light bulb went off. Or maybe my brain just exploded and it was the ethereal white light beckoning me heavenward. Either way, I realized that in my effort to get published (hahaha!), in my effort to write the best book evah! (hahahahahahahaha!) I have become paralyzed. Paralyzed to write. Paralyzed to let go. Paralyzed to lose myself in the story.

I worry about what my editor would think. I worry about what readers would think. I worry about what people -people who will likely never read my book - will think. And I don't write. I'm so worried that I'll write crap that I don't write at all.

My blog is called For the Love of Writing, but truth be told, I have grown to hate writing. Every time I think about sitting down at my keyboard or bringing pen to paper, my face curls in disgust, my stomach turns and bile rises in my throat. I know I tend to have a flare for the dramatic, but I promise you guys I'm speaking the truth when I say the thought of writing literally makes me disgusted.

I am "friends" with a self-published writer on facebook and twitter. He has published more books in the last year than I could ever dream to in my lifetime. As I read an excerpt from his latest book I thought, "Wow, this guy must really love to write." It wasn't until then that it hit me how much I have grown to loathe writing.

And that makes me sad.

So, I came to a decision.

I am writing a book for me. Just for me. The plot is ridiculous. The characters are cliche. But I. Don't. Care. Because no one is ever going to see this book but me. I'm not worried about beautifully crafted sentences, or believability, or pacing, or character development or N-E-THING! I'm just writing. Heck, I may even insert a "throbbing manhood" just because I can. 

My goal in doing this is to re-discover my love for writing. To rekindle a flame that has been doused by criticism and self-doubt.

I'm 3,600 words in and it's amazing what it's done for my writer's block. Every time I think I have nothing to write, I say "Write anything! Who cares! No one is going to read this but you!"

The story may end up to be pure, unadulterated crap. Or it may be the next bestseller (hahahhahaha, omg I think pee just came out). Either way, I'm writing. And right now, that's good enough for me.

Speaking of pure, unadulterated crap, not only did Fifty Shades inspire me to start writing again, it inspired the next new phenomenon in bloggy awards...

Yes, that is grey sausage. Appetizing, isn't it?
I created a Fifty Shades of Awesome Sausage blog award, oh yes I did. Because if you can't write a best seller, you should totally exploit it. I'm pretty sure that's the first thing they teach you in writing school.

I still have a couple more bloggy awards to accept and pass on, but I thought I'd take a break from that and create my own.

Here are the rules of the award:

1. Accept the award with Fifty Shades of Excitement (aka post it on your blog whilst squealing and in general waking the neighbors with your shrieks of delight)

2. Be Awesome

3. Pass the award on to at least one other blogger you catch being Awesome Sausage.

People, I expect this award to infect the bloggy community like an STD from Mr. Grey himself.

I bet you're all dying to know who is going to receive this coveted award. You're probably about 50 Shades of Peeing Your Pants From Excitement right about now. Don't be ashamed; let it flow, because guess what? I have it on good authority that if you follow my blog you are AWESOME! So...every follower receives the 50 Shades of Awesome Sausage Award!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, I can feel your excitement from all the way over here. It's overwhelming. And inspiring. So inspiring, in fact, I just might make more awesome sausage awards.

*and the crowd goes wild*

And now for some awesome sausage comment gems:

Reinventingrobin: Mojoshmojo...You are a rutless coward. Ok maybe bot cowards, but I couldn't find a good word for a play on gutless. Sigh. It's less funny when I explain it. Regardless. Awesome funny post. Love!

I have no idea what half of this means and it made me feel a little drunk...I'm pretty sure that's the key to a good comment.

Jana: Quilting just looks like a good way to kill a case of wine and pass out in a heap of scrap fabric.

My sentiments exactly. 

P.S. If the blog is full of typos or is more of a mess than it normally is, it's not my fault (of course not). Blogger is being an asshat right now. *sigh* The trials and tribulations of being a blogger. 


  1. After reading it I too wondered how it got published. I came to the same conclusion you did. Write the shit out of your story FOR YOU. I am pretty sure it will be as awesome as you are.

  2. I'm sorry to hear about your writer's block. But at least you can say you learned one lesson from 50 Shades of Suck! Good for you.

    Maybe you could incorporate a competitive eating contest into your 50 Shades of Sausage story. It doesn't even have to be erotic, but if the protagonist chokes to death...okay, never mind ;-)

  3. YAY ... i love awards .. I'm going to save this and add it to my list of awards.

  4. Good for you. We all need to do something like this in our lives to rediscover what it we love about what we choose to do. There's a great book out there called The Lost Steps by Alejo Carpentier about the very same thing. Good luck. We've all been there.

  5. Good for you and definitely Good luck! :)

    Writing for you is majorly important. Can't wait to read 50 Shades of Sausage! ;)

  6. I realize that a blog isn't the same as writing a book, but FWIW, I do enjoy what you have to say and would probably enjoy reading your throbbing manhood story.

  7. Well duh! The most incredible things are created when we create for ourselves. When it becomes that stressful the fun is snuffed out and then what is the point?

    Supper cool kinky sex brought you around.... :D

  8. A little pee came out.....? Who says these things out loud? Oh, right...YOU!

    (P.S. - I also think you're brave for saying the other things you said here about writing and stuff)

  9. I've often thought I could write a book. And then I realized I have yet to be able to figure out how to resolve any plot I ever come up with. So, therefore, I devour other people's plots that are resolvable. However, I have not and probably will not read these 50 Shades of Whatever books. The *idea* that someone claims they're anything akin to Twilight just ensures that I will never even touch one of them.

  10. In the voice of the narrator guy on Law and Order..."What you are about to hear is a true story" (Insert Law and Order Ding Ding sound here). I was sitting on the patio at our lake house this weekend, overlooking the calm water, the sun about to set, a picture perfect kind of evening, but I was all in a tizzy because I had looked at my calendar earlier and on July 1st I had written "Finish book, dammit!!!!!" Yes, there were that many exclamation points. Anyway, my heart just sank, because like so many other things on my calendar, finishing this book-which I have been writing for over 5 years-seems like a chore. I was depressed because it will never get done, it will never get published, I will be an old unpublished hag with all of these pipe dreams, and then, out of no where, I received an email. It was this post notification. Oh, my SG, tears flow-eth forth-eth like water-eth from a stream-eth. Well, not really, but this post really touched me. You were really speaking to me-and your million other followers-but this post really struck a chord with me. I'm going to finish this book, and I'm going to have the fat guy at Kinkos print it and bind it, and then I'm going to toss it in my tote of special shit and be content with the fact that I finished it and my kids might read it someday. Content. I'm going to be content with the outcome. And I'm going to rediscover my love of writing. It will no longer be a chore. Thanks for helping me reach this epiphany. You're golden. Stay Gold, Ponyboy, stay gold.

  11. Have you been drinking?

    I already love your book and I haven't read it

  12. I made a terrible, terrible mistake on the weekend, so now I have a bad sun-burn. Which means that MY book will probably be like that best-seller, only with a little more shade. I'm thinking of calling it 60-70 Shades of Grey.

  13. You mean I can accept this award, take it and give it to someone just because I think they're awesome? THAT is awesome!

  14. This is the best award I've ever received. It is the awesomest, and without a doubt, the sausagiest too.
    And you are a genius! What a brilliant writing plan, I'm going to do the same thing and write whatever the hell I want. And I'll start by including that word up there that I just gave birth to - "sausagiest".


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