Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I Sleep So I Don't Eat Your Face

It's that time of year again when I decide to get all sexified, a.k.a work out and eat healthy. Yes, you did read that right. I said time of year, as in it only happens once a year, like Christmas and Flag Day.

Why only once a year? Because getting sexified blows the big one, despite what that whore Jillian Michaels* and that short-pants enthusiast Richard Simmons say.
You gotta admit, the dude has nice legs.
I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I am so food deprived, I want to eat things I've never once considered putting in my mouth.

Trips to the grocery store are pure hell. I alternate between crying over all the food I can't eat, and being really pissed off every time I see someone put a carton of ice cream or a block of cheese in their cart.

"Way to taunt me, asshole!" I want to scream at them.

On my way to the check-out I passed a container of Oreo brownies. My head did that whole swivel over my shoulder as I walked away thing, much like men do when they spot a nice pair of mammaries. Oh, who are we kidding - when they spot any pair of mammaries.

Those Oreo brownies were the ogling equivalent of a surgically enhanced pair of double D's, and drool on myself and adjust my crotch I did.

But I stayed strong and continued straight to the check out without so much as an "accidental" knuckle caress. And then, as if the food gods were conspiring against me, I encountered the chip whore.

The woman in front of me purchased, not one, not two, but FIVE bags of chips. Two bags of cheetos, one bag of fritos, and two bags of doritos.

I was like a lion in the wild ready to pounce on her prey as the chip whore handed over cash and dangled her bags of salty, crunchy goodness in my face.

This diet is all about eating protein. Chicken and fish and chicken and more chicken and chicken, chicken, chicken!

I have eaten so many damn chickens lately that I've started to sprout feathers and grow talons. I can't wait until my beak grows in so I can peck to death the people who piss me off. Which is everyone, apparently.

Seriously, I am one angry girl.

But it's not my fault.  It's the hunger.

I did cave a little on my trip to the store. I bought a bag of Wild Blueberry Walnut Granola with Flax Seed. As soon as I got to my car, I ripped open the bag. Inside were more bags! My food deprived brain went insane. Instead of buying granola, I had bought a bag of bags! What kind of sick joke was this?

I actually yelled, "What the f*ck!" before I realized that inside the little bags was the granola. Apparently, the health gurus at Back to Nature anticipated their buyers would be so starved for a little bit of grain and dehydrated fruit that they'd poke a whole in the bottom of the bag and shotgun the granola like a frat pledge does a can of Natty light.

So they implemented portion control. Imagine that.

Food consumes my every waking thought. I go to bed so I won't eat. But instead of sleeping, I just lie there and contemplate eating the husband.

But then it occurs to me that he probably tastes like chicken.

And I've had enough damn chicken.


P.S. Don't worry, soon I'll realize everything tastes better than skinny feels and go back to being a nice person.

*I don't really think Jillian Michaels is a whore. I'm just dealing with some misplaced rage right now.

And now...comment gems!

Angel Shrout: yeah I have that problem. Mainly because I have huge boobs and they tend to pull me forward. Meaning I lean over with them.. on a positive side they are big enough to cushion me fairly well...

Note to self: get bigger boobs 

Kim @the G is Silent: Been there. Done that. On concrete. Main street. Watched by my dogs.

I bet they bring it up all the time, don't they?


  1. I hear you and take it a step farther... I always tend to diet around the holidays. Why? I don't effing know. Talk about screwing yourself.

  2. Has it ever occurred to you why the first three letters of diet are d-i-e? It's because if you go on a diet, somebody is going to DIE! (And from your tales, I'm thinking it's going to be the unsuspecting Frito-Cheeto-Dorito queen.)

  3. Screw the diet. Coolsculpting (Fat Freezing) is so much easier.

  4. My "time of the year" lasted 6 whole months this time. Yay me! Until I discovered Mint Hersey's Bliss and those little fuckers beat all the exercise and motivation right out of me. Now I'm sporting a nice tummy pouch and it's only been two and a 1/2 weeks of no working out. Sneaky little bastards!

    I've heard husbands taste a little gamey. Good call on passing that up. Although, a little buttocks in the crock pot...I don't think you could go wrong.

  5. Wait wait I made the comment gems section?? Seriously.. pinch me now.. Ouch not that hard geesh.. Yeah I am on a salad , get skinny cause my bff is suddenly smaller than I and that has occurred in our friendship precisely NEVER.. I am with you hun... sick of chicken. so I will survive with my salads and not rip a face off.. today anyway. As long as no one touches my caffeine I should be okay..

  6. I go through the same thing every year thanks to swimsuit season. Sucks, for sure. Glad I'm not alone!!!

  7. I said screw it this year, got the ice cream and bought a moo moo

  8. Hahaha! I'm FAMOUS! Every time we run past "the spot" my dogs look at me and I swear they are smiling. Bitches.

    Regarding: Two bags of cheetos, one bag of fritos, and two bags of doritos. Thanks for actually noting what she bought.

  9. Peanut butter cookies have all sorts of protein. You. are. welcome.

    I am SO cranky without food. It's terrible. Worse than my kids. I need to eat.

  10. My own mother ate a brownie in front of me the other day and I wanted to claw her eyes out. You are not alone.

  11. My own mother ate a brownie in front of me the other day and I wanted to claw her eyes out. You are not alone.

  12. Were you so hungry that you went to the grocery store NAKED???

  13. it could be worse. you could be a soccer mom who has had to endure the sight - 2 nights in a frickin row - of Diary Queen delivering about a 100 boxes of Dily Bars for the little soccer players.
    and while we are on that...before I put them to bed? thanks so much for that asshat.
    No, No.... I didn't eat one.
    I licked all three sticks until I had slivers in my tongue like the ice cream depraved whore that I am.
    see....much, much worse.

  14. I love food.
    Grocery shopping makes me dizzy.
    Ice cream

  15. I live for food. And that is not an understatement. If theres food in my path of vision, I will hurt many an innocent bystander so I can get to it.

    I am ruthless.

    And nutella is god.

  16. I'm doing a new healthy thing too and it is kicking my bum today! I got to the register and the man in front of me had Oreo Birthday Cake ice cream. Did you try the special Oreo Birthday Cake cookies?! They were more addictive than crack, meth and coke put together. Just knowing that there may only be a few of those containers left in the freezer at the grocery store (if any) is going to have me up all night. I honestly feel the shakes coming on.

  17. I'm so hungry after reading this. *still giggling* I want oreos and chips . . . and ice cream LOL!

  18. Did you say Oreo brownies?? F*cking hell!

  19. Food terrifies me a little. It's necessity for survival and tendencies to be delicious makes food very powerful.


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