Tuesday, May 22, 2012

There's No Coming Back From That

I joined a kickball team.

Let me rephrase that. Under protest, I joined a kickball team.

Last "season," the husband joined a team with a bunch of people he didn't know. When it was time for the new "season," he was all, "let's get a bunch of our friends together and form a team! you'll play, right?"

Me: Um, no.

The husband: But it'll be fun!

Me: Um, no.

I'll spare you the back and forth and say that, because I am the best wife in the history of ever, I finally agreed.

And it is not going well.

Our team isn't completely hopeless. We have some guys who can kick it far and catch it. And some girls who can bunt and run really fast. If we had a team motto it'd probably be something like: Kick Some Balls, Run Around, Have Fun.

The other teams, however?

Well their motto goes something like this: WE MUST WIN AT ALL COSTS! ALL COSTS!!!

Basically, kickball is their version of the Hunger Games.



There can be only one survivor and I'll give you guys a hint: It ain't gonna be me.

It's not that I'm totally unathletic. It's just that I fold under pressure.

Literally.

At our very first game, our team was up to bat kick first. And I was the first one to kick for our team. When I joined the team, I had one major concern: Don't Let Me Be The Reason We Lose the Game. Oh, and also, it'd be nice if I didn't embarrass myself.

Clearly, my priorities were out of order.

The pitcher, who is your teammate (kickball has weird rules) rolled me the ball...

And...

I...

Kicked it!

Yay me! I am awesome!!! Except...not.

I started to run and then something happened to my legs. I didn't trip. I didn't stumble. My legs just started to crumble, driving me to the ground. But at the same time they were still propelling me forward. So while I was getting lower, I was also getting faster. My body was doing everything in it's power to ensure that when I landed face-first in the dirt, I did it at bash-your-nose-into-your-brains speed.

I screamed out, "MY LEGS!" And watched myself get lower and lower while thinking, this is really happening. I'm going to flop to the ground like a rag doll thrown from a second story building and eat dirt. In front of all these people. IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE. This is my nightmare.

Magically, like a Christmas miracle in May, I stayed upright. My legs started to function properly and I made it to first base. I was out, of course. But I didn't care. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I ran for cover in the dugout and replayed the horror over and over in my mind.

Those of you who are glass-half-full kinda people are all, "there's no horror! you didn't embarrass yourself. everything is ok!"

And to you I say, "Shut up. Please."

I had trouble running, something most people have mastered by the age of three. I don't care how you slice it, that shit's embarrassing. Also, I'm pretty sure everyone would agree that if you fly to the ground with nothing to break your fall but your face, there's no coming back from that. You can kick a home run or catch a fly ball to end the game, but you will forever be known as the girl who ate shit trying to run.

From then on, my only concern was: Don't Embarrass Yourself.

When it was time to play defense, I was put in the outfield because of course I was.

No one was more grateful for this than I was. I spent most of my time looking for butterflies, watching birds fly overhead and praying the ball wouldn't come anywhere near me.

The husband would turn around every few minutes to check on me.




The husband: Every time I turned around you were closer to the fence.

Me: Huh. That's weird. The fence must have moved.

There was no happier person on earth than I, the moment the ump declared the game over. Until every muscle in my body began to ache and I realized that I am no longer a spring chicken but rather an old gray hag with malfunctioning legs. It is not the most uplifting revelation to come to, folks.

Our games are on Friday evenings. Every Friday I wake up and think, this is the worst day of my life. But then next Friday comes and I think, no THIS is the worst day of my life.

And sure enough, it is.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

65 comments:

  1. Ohhhh god!! Your husband owes you things. You pick the things. This is awful and funny and awfully funny.

    I feel like you had a little Forrest Gump moment and you were like "and I was RUN-NING!!"

    Dude I trip when I walk. For no reason. No crack, no ditch, no pebble, my legs just gimp up on me. Kerblunk. Skinned knees. No one even says anything anymore. Oh, there she goes again. Dumbass with Bambi legs.

    You're back, Jack!! :) I love this!!

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  2. My husband and I have been through a lot in 27 years, happily co-ed sports is *not* one of them.

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  3. soo effing funny. i like that team name way better then ball hogs, because ball hogs we are not. if it makes you feel better i have falling while running. twice. in the same run. on the top of the 17th street bridge.

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  4. This story is made up. Grownups don't play kickball. Do they?

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  5. You didn't mention you scored the game winning run for our first victory ever!

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  6. Awwww....the husband put in a good word for you ^! Awesome! I have laughed so hard at this story this morning and so for that, thank you. I do not laugh AT you I laugh WITH you...wait, were you laughing? At all? Even a little bit? Maybe a snicker? I can so relate to this story on so many levels....falling (for no reason), trying to be a good sport (card and board games....AAAAACK!) and then loathing every minute of it, etc. etc. This reminded me of when I took 'soccer basics' in college as an elective. (*pause and reflect) What the H* was I thinking? I distinctly remember being out on the field, the ball coming closer and then all of a sudden I was swarmed by bodies, legs flailing and kicking in my direction and all I wanted to do was crouch and cover my head like in an elementary school tornado drill. I HATED it!

    So thanks for the laugh!

    And husband? She is due for some sweet favors!!!

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  7. Hahhahaha this was a great post. I was always terrible at kickball - I'd kick it in a nice easy arc that anyone could catch. Siiigh.

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  8. THERE'S NO CRYING IN KICKBALL!.......or, maybe that's baseball? I'm not sure. I just know that's what Tom Hanks said and everybody loves Tom Hanks?

    This was exceptionally funny, nice to have you back. :)

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  9. I am cracking up and at the same time commiserating. Because that would so be me. Bonus points to hubby for coming in and boosting you up..

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  10. Too bad about the other team taking it to hunger games extremes. What's up with that? Better to just have fun unless large amounts of money to the winner are involved. Then it's a different story entirely. Funny story. Though I would caution - never consider yourself old, even when you qualify for AARP. We are what we think we are. And you are a vibrant young woman who can kick that stupid ball to the fence, even if you can't run that far. :)

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  11. BAHAHAHA. Awesome. I laughed when you described running/almost falling. I've done it. I knew exactly what you were talking about. LOL. My husband wants us to join a beer softball league...I'm all like...do I get to be drunk? Cause if so YES. If not...No.

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  12. Hahahahaha! Oh Sarcasm Goddess, Yeah Write has missed you something fierce. I cannot stop the giggles now. I would be a horrible kick baller. I played soccer so I can kick a ball but the whole running around bases, outfielding...yeah, not so much. Husband owes you a LOT! Try not to take any balls in the face.

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  13. THIS IS MY FAVORITE BLOG POST IN THE WORLD. Possibly because I jsut love you, but mostly because coffee came out of my nose when I read it.

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  14. Hahahaha....this is the exact reason why I watch my husband play softball and why I don't join the co-ed team.

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  15. No team sports for me! You are a very brave, and wonderful, wife to do this for the husband.

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  16. I was literally laughing out loud. THAT WOULD BE ME! I'm happy your legs didn't fail you in the end tho. I wouldn't have been so lucky.

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  17. I tend to like fences as well. Also, steering clear of things being kicked at me. I'm thinking your choice would have been my choice.

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  18. kickball and dodgeball are my weak points...I would have tripped on that ball instead of kicking it guaranteed. I would like to come to a game and watch though...

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  19. You are a really good sport! Sorry, but this made me laugh. I hate to play a sport and feel like an idiot. Love the fact that you were clinging to the fence. That's where you'd find me!

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  20. I'm still kind of stuck on this new-to-me concept of kickball having a SEASON? Huh? That's good, though, right? I mean, if there's a season, that means that at some point it will *end*.

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  21. My sister was on a kickball team last year and forced my other sister to play too. There was beer afterward (and during, for me) so I went to watch. It was good times and I got to drink and laugh at people. If my husband made me do that, he would be dead meat or I would have a lot of new purses and shoes.

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  22. oh, you describe all sporting events for me. the pressure! not to win, but just not to be stand out horrible. i have done that melt while you run thing!!!! so crazy.

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  23. you should definitely get a video camera and tape some of the hilariousness... :)

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  24. I have a firm rule - no sports with balls. I duck instead of doing whatever you are supposed to do with the ball in that particular sport. I did a mixed martial arts thing with my kids for a couple of years. It was pretty good - not much running and you're supposed to duck. I had to give it up after a while though when my 40 yr old bladder started to say "if you're going to let people throw you around I'm NOT going to control the flow, and by the way I'm not helping you out on the jump rope thing anymore either".

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  25. Talk about nightmares! This has to be one of mine as well...ugh. But I'm so proud of you for doing it! It takes guts, and I'm afraid I don't have any, so be proud of yourself for sure. You may hate it, but at least you're doing it!

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  26. Dude - I totally know that fall. I had it last month. I posted about it. I almost BROKE MY FACE and I SQUISHED MY BOOB. On a main street. It happens slow but fast, right? Bless your heart. Hang in there kick baller!!!

    ~The G is Silent

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  27. Oh this was hilarious. I feel for you. I really do. I've done a public face-plant or two. Sometimes the "near-disasters" are much worse than the "actual disasters".

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  28. What a fantastic post. The pictures were priceless. I know the leg malfunction you describe, glad you were able to save yourself!

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  29. Clearly Dodgeball is your game! Your ability to skirt even a near contact with the ball is epic.

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  30. This is hilarious. But it's great to read you guys have so much fun ;)

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  31. This.Was.Beautiful! I used to make clover bracelets in the outfield--at least you were sort of paying attention! You Go GIRL!

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  32. LAUGHING OUT LOUD.

    SO GOOD.

    Thank you.

    And, yes, me too: usually people know how to run by age 3. But not all...
    xo

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  33. Too funny! And I know all about that leg malfunction - it happened to me a company picnic softball game! Legs never act like that unless you have an audience. :D

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  34. I am laughing hard. What the hell? So I guess it could be worse? He could have signed you up for dodge ball? Ellen

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  35. lol ... so funny :) ... and for me so relate-able ... I'm normally a glass half full person ... but in this case ... I agree with you ... I wouldn't be optimistic either :)

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  36. I never knew there were like kickball leagues with teams and stuff...for adults. This opens up a whole new world...

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  37. I've missed your wit. I like how she said "Imma kill you."

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  38. Sounds like my friend's daughter. Once she actually kicked the ball, but the truth is she was trying to run from it and it was an accident. LOL

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  39. Omg you make me happy. I quit baseball because the shirts were unflattering. There's no way I can play when my roles are THAT obvious.
    If I lived close I would come to your games and sneak you out under the fence

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  40. Ohmysweetpanties! That is hysterical! I'm not atheletic, nor am I flexible. I'm pretty certain I'd break my cooch if I was up to "bat".

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  41. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry! I think I love you. (In a non creepy way) (obviously)

    I feel your pain. I was a freshman in college and it was my first softball game (D3 but still). I was put in as a pinch runner. I was given the sign to steal. I took off. My upper body kept going, my legs, not so much. I was in between 1st and 2nd and I fell. Flat on my face. The short stop walked (WALKED) over to me and tagged me on the back as I lay on the ground hoping I would somehow melt into the dirt. (and to dust you shall return...PLEASE DEAR GOD MAKE THAT HAPPEN!) So I feel you.

    But can I ask a favor? Can you keep playing and blogging about it? Because seriously, that was funny shit! :-)

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  42. oh, that is so funny. and eerily reminiscent at my last attempt at softball...

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  43. I used to pull the same "back by the fence" thing in baseball/softball. In kickball, I was always put out by the fence. I love kickball - even though I haven't played in over 30 years. Holy cow!

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  44. Nominated your blog for the Kreativ Blogger Award!! Love it, especially this story about kickball!

    Come on over to my blog to see the details!
    www.hammockinthehoneysuckle.blogspot.com

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  45. This was hilarious! Playing team sports is my nightmare. I am positive I would embarrass myself (and often). You are definitely the best wife ever.

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  46. Awesome - I personally have very fond memories of the outfield from jr high gym class, I was always shipped out there too, and prayed that the ball wouldn't come my way ;-)

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  47. MY LEGS! I laughed so hard at your description of you trying to run. So hilariously awesome! You must continue to play, if only for the excellent material you'll get for this blog!!

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  48. Perhaps Dodgeball would be more up your alley. Or 4-square?

    Glad you survived to tell the tale.

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  49. Someone tried to get me to join when I wasnt broken.
    Now I'm glad I said no. You get Nacon on Daturdays to make up for Friday, right?

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  50. you will hate me if I tell you I am like super new kid sports chick...
    .....so um, yeah...like hi -- how's it going? I mean, besides Fridays.

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    1. hmmm, whaddayaknow.....even more funny the 2nd read through! :)

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  51. Good Lord...you have balls of steel (and I don't mean the ones you're kicking.) My experiences with dodgeball are limited to: The movie..."If you can dodge a WRENCH, you can dodge a BALL!"...and elementary school, during which time I came to the painful realization that I would ALWAYS be last picked for ANY sports team EVER. It was daily humiliation as we lined up on the field for recess and gym. It must have made a huge impression on my young psyche because I vividly remember the ONE time I actually caught the ball. I was in third grade, in the outfield (of course), and the ball literally landed right in my hands. All I did was put my arms out and grab it when it showed up. And somehow I caught it.

    I remember the team cheering and clapping me on the back, and I remember thinking, "This is my moment! I won't be last picked any more! Next time someone will actually WANT me on the team!" And then I lined up the next day in anticipation, only to watch everyone else get snatched up before me, as usual.

    I have absolutely NO desire to repeat that humiliation, so I give you mad props for joining this kickball team in the first place. Oh, and if I had to run at a full-out sprint these days...after birthing two children...let's just say I'd have to do it in a pair of Depends.

    I will live vicariously through you. Keep the stories coming! Loved it...and good luck. Perhaps you should try dodging some wrenches in your down-time. ;-)

    Love your blog! Following you now!
    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

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  52. Ohmygoodness I can't stop laughing out loud!! You my friend are soooo talented. I could picture exactly what you felt like and soooo know that feeling. Thanks for the laughs this morning!!

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  53. I ditto Tab times 100! It takes a lot to make me literally laugh out loud, and you DID IT!!!! Not that you haven't before but seriously, I was dying laughing while the chad was giving me weird looks.

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  54. LMAO!!! I'm pretty sure you must've been watching ME at our first slo-pitch game last year. Hadn't played in over 15 years. Yes I'm THAT old! All I kept saying was "I'm sure I was better than this!" Thank goodness it's a beer league. HA!

    Found your post from: http://www.semidomesticatedmama.com/2012/06/post-notes-15-favorite-posts-for-may.html?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

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  55. oh geezus..Hell to the NO! I am now Thankful my hubby is only into the lets-sit-on-our-butts-in-the-livingroom kind of games. :)

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  56. Lololol!!! And that is EXACTLY why I don't play teams sports ever

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  57. Wow. I haven't played kickball or dodgeball - though, I was quite good at getting the hell out of the way of that flying ball - or handball or nearly anything with a ball since those required ball days of school. Though, I think I like your team's motto better than the other killer teams. :>

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  58. I can't tell if I liked this post better the first time around or the second, I still wish I was a fly on the ball..

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  59. Hmm, it sounds like you playing kickball was exactly like every time I put my kids in organized sports. I'd be sitting there thinking I was a good mom for doing this, they would be in the outfield flirting with girls or playing in puddles.

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  60. I loved this even more the second time around. Imma kill you.

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  61. How did your legs...how did you run while shrinking?? How did you not fall??? Really, I'm impressed you did that! Where I grew up that sport was called soccer baseball, because it was like baseball but also soccer. But more like baseball really.

    (I promise I haven't been drinking, my brain just wants it to be Friday night so it has already shut off for the day.)

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  62. LOL! Awesome! I love the "Imma gon kill you!" graphic. This perfectly captures my experience with "recreational" adult team sports. People are *waaaaaaaay* too into it. It's team building, not a death match.

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  63. This is fucking brilliant and I found myself laughing out loud the whole way through. I am SO also totally the kind of girl who eats shit running...and occasionally standing :) What a seriously fun read!

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  64. UM, YES! Jello legs! YES!

    I was a part of a "drunk softball league" which, of course, is known as "Adult Co-Ed Softball". I was put in the outfield. I could hit, but my running unskills meant that I would be out at first even if I hit a homerun.

    I hear ya, sister.

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