Sunday, May 20, 2012

And Then I Was Eaten By A Spider

Last night the husband and I went to dinner. After dinner, I noticed a spider on the door of my car as I was about to open it.

No big deal, I thought. I can open it really fast, jump inside, close the door and all will be safe in the world.

And that's exactly what happened. Except for the part about all being safe in the world. Because before I could close the door, the spider fell inside the car.

Me: Eeeee Aaaaa!!!

The husband: Shh!!!

Me: There's a spider in the car.

The husband: Where?

Me: I don't know! Get it!!!

The husband: Well if you can't see it, I won't be able to see it.

Me: Well I'm not getting in the car. It's going to bite me on the vagina.

As I said this, a drunk Santa Claus looking man walked by. Except he was less Santa Claus-like and more just fat and drunk-like.

The husband: You just told that guy you were going to be bit on the vagina.

Me: No, I said I was going to be bit on the vagina as he happened to walk by.

The husband: Right now he's, all "did she just say she got bit on the vagina? No, that can't be right. But it really did sound like she said something was going to bite her on the vagina. Does she want me to bite her on the vagina?"

Me: Are you going to get the spider or not?

The husband: I can't see it!

Me: Fine.

And so I got in the car. Against my better judgment, mind you.

Approximately fifteen seconds later we were about to pull onto the main road when...

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The husband (slamming on the brakes): What the...

Me: THERE IT IS!!!! THERE'S THE SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S RIGHT THERE! KILL IT!

The husband: You kill it! Hit it!

Me: I HAVE NOTHING TO KILL IT WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The husband: Hit it with your hand!

(Seriously, the husband? My hand? SERIOUSLY?!)

Me: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE!!!!!!

This is the point where the husband's version of events differs from mine. He claims that instead of saying, "TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE!!" I said, "OPEN THE DOOR!" Which is just ludicrous, because why would I want him to open the door? What good would that do? I wanted the spider dead. Which is why I needed his shoe. Obviously.

But instead of giving me his shoe, he's thinking, why does she want me to open the door? And instead of receiving the shoe, I'm thinking  why won't he give me his shoe?

Meanwhile, the spider is thinking, what a bunch of assholes. this is the easiest kill ever.

The husband: Hit it!

Me: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE!

Finally, the husband takes off his shoe and whacks the spider.

Me: WHERE'D IT GO?!!!!!!!!! WHERE'D IT GO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The husband: I don't know, but it guts are on your door.

And then he pulled onto the road and was all, "it's a good thing you didn't scream when we were on the road or we'd be dead right now."

And then I was all, "yeah, good thing." But I didn't say what I was really thinking. I was really thinking that the danger hadn't passed. That we didn't have a body. All we saw were a few guts. Spiders can totally survive with a few missing guts.  How many times have you squished a spider thinking it was good and dead only to have it suddenly spring back to life? All the freaking time. That's how many times.

So as we were driving all I was thinking was that the spider was probably springing to life on the bottom of the husband's shoe. And was slowly making its way up his leg to bite him on the penis. Or maybe, it was going to crawl in his penis. Like those fish in the Amazon, on wherever, who swim up men's penises when they pee. And the pain is so bad they wish for their penis to be cut off.

I didn't mention any of this to the husband. Partly because I'm thoughtful and partly because I think that would have made him slightly hysterical. And I'm pretty sure the first thing they teach you in driving school is don't make the driver become hysterical by mentioning animals crawling up his penis.

We drove to Blockbuster (the actual store, not one of those box things outside of a sketchy 7-11), rented a movie, and had a very nice non-eventful evening.

However, the husband and I will always remember it as the night I was almost eaten by a spider. And I, alone, will always remember it as the night the husband almost lost his wiener. I carry that burden alone. Because that's what love it.

Ahhhhh.

Don't you love it when a horror story turns into an accidental love story?

Me too.


20 comments:

  1. Oh dear. lol Oddly enough, I hate spiders, but any roommates I had were worthless in the killing department. And when I live alone, my cat stinks at killing things. Seriously, worst hunter ever. I can't wait until I have a man who can kill spiders for me. Because I do it with my eyes closed and I'm bound to break something.

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  2. I always forget we share vagina biting fear! It's the main reason I wanted to leave Florida! I was so worried a lizard was going to make his way up my pant leg and.. you know. But last night, I was walking my dogs around NYC and had the exact same fear about a mouse I saw in the trash. Yuck, yuck, yuuuuuck.

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  3. I think you just wanted a reason to say "bite my vagina". Because, really, how often do you get to blog such a thing? LOL :0)

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  4. Found you through ken-inatractor...and the title of this post grabbed me immediately because I HAVE BEEN MUNCHED ON BY A SPIDER (although not on my lady parts...) AND IT IS NOT FUN! This occurred during the night (yes, I know...creepy thought to imagine some eight-legged furry creature tiptoeing over your body whilst you sleep...egads...I just shivered) and I woke up with a weird, puffy spot and then another flat spot on my left arm. This all happening while there were news stories of people getting that flesh-eating bacteria thing. No, I wasn't a little bit FREAKING OUT. Now my week-old spider spot is looking strange and I had ANOTHER bug (not a spider) on my arm LAST NIGHT. Can you say exterminator???

    I can so relate to this post. I too, have had visions/nightmares of bugs crawling in.....uncomfortable places and it freaks.me.out. I am going to sleep in a ziploc baggy with a breathing tank hose attached. It's getting too creepy.

    Come visit if you need another spider story -
    www.hammockinthehoneysuckle.blogspot.com

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  5. this part made me seriously lmfao .. "Meanwhile, the spider is thinking, what a bunch of assholes. this is the easiest kill ever." ... I can totally picture a spider thinking that.

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  6. I love this kind of stuff! Once when we were driving home in our Jeep and the top was off (and it was at night) a praying mantis flew into our window and landed on my girls in the back. Between their screaming and my screaming because they are hysterical, it LEAPED up front and was trying to assist my husband with his driving. This then touched off another screaming episode as there was a GINORMOUS praying mantis on his shoulder. It was fun of epic portions. You know the mantis was all like, "what? What the hell are these bitches screaming about?" I finally grew enough balls to grab the damn thing off my hubby and toss it out the window. I had dreams all that night that the mantis's mommy was going to come and get me.

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  7. Just a warning, don't come to KY in summer. We have spiders the size of your hand. Perfectly harmless, one is the type they made Charlotte from charolettes web off of. It writes on it's webs. I am not fond of them but I am used to them and I know as a rule they keep critters and other bugs out of my plants. I however would have pissed myself laughing at all of this had I been a fly on the wall. But wait then that would have been why the spider wanted in your car in the first place ..

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  8. hahahahahahaha!!!! you two! I miss you :) AND I think a spider bit me on the nose in my sleep the other night... even though none of the spider bites I looked up online match the bump on my nose... but have you seen the spiders they have here?!?!!? UGh big brown hairy like to surprise you on the shower curtain when you are trying to get in the shower ones!

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  9. oops the above post was written by Sarah :)

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  10. I was driving my 3 kids around the other day...just out for a nice family day, listening to some Fisher Price (you like Fisher Price music, right?) and then this big-ass spider just lands nonchantly on my arm. all, like hey....groovin tunes mama. Now, had I been in the car alone, I probably would have crashed the lil hairy hitchhiker. but no - I had my babies in the car and thus had to Stay Calm and Drive On. calmy swatting at the stupid thing until it fell off...and then, yes OMG! where is it?
    that's just scary. no love in this story at all.

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  11. There's sort of an unwritten rule about one guy talking about another guy's junk, but I always thought it was a parasite that swam up your penis in the Amazon, if it's actually a fish, all I can say is, YAY for you! One less thing for me to worry about though.

    I think this next Christmas, you should maybe be on the lookout for something a little extra special, just in case that was in fact Santa Claus?

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  12. there's a lot of spider/naughty bit touching going on here.
    I need to know where you're finding these spiders.

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  13. remind me to tell you about the time a spider almost bit my vagina and santa overheard me - said only by you ever
    I've not read a better Santavag story..

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  14. Your asshole spider came to my house. I have 3 bites on my right foot and two on my left thigh.

    Bastart.

    ~The G is Silent

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    Replies
    1. Zoephrenia.blog.comMay 23, 2012 at 6:53 PM

      OMG! I can't believe you almost lost your vagina and your husband almost lost his wiener!! Damn those bisexual spiders! Why can't they just pick a genital and stick to it!

      PS.... It takes a lot to make me laugh (Kathy Griffin, Lisa Lampanelli, etc.) but this made me laugh, a lot.

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    2. Oops, I clicked on the wrong reply button.

      Delete
  15. I was bitten by a spider that left vampire bites in my leg which led to an infection that landed me in the hospital. Spiders are no joke and can cause some serious damage. Now, if I see one in my house I have my son hunt it down until I see evidence of its death.

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