Last night the husband and I went to dinner. After dinner, I noticed a spider on the door of my car as I was about to open it.
No big deal, I thought. I can open it really fast, jump inside, close the door and all will be safe in the world.
And that's exactly what happened. Except for the part about all being safe in the world. Because before I could close the door, the spider fell inside the car.
Me: Eeeee Aaaaa!!!
The husband: Shh!!!
Me: There's a spider in the car.
The husband: Where?
Me: I don't know! Get it!!!
The husband: Well if you can't see it, I won't be able to see it.
Me: Well I'm not getting in the car. It's going to bite me on the vagina.
As I said this, a drunk Santa Claus looking man walked by. Except he was less Santa Claus-like and more just fat and drunk-like.
The husband: You just told that guy you were going to be bit on the vagina.
Me: No, I said I was going to be bit on the vagina as he happened to walk by.
The husband: Right now he's, all "did she just say she got bit on the vagina? No, that can't be right. But it really did sound like she said something was going to bite her on the vagina. Does she want me to bite her on the vagina?"
Me: Are you going to get the spider or not?
The husband: I can't see it!
And so I got in the car. Against my better judgment, mind you.
Approximately fifteen seconds later we were about to pull onto the main road when...
The husband (slamming on the brakes): What the...
Me: THERE IT IS!!!! THERE'S THE SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S RIGHT THERE! KILL IT!
The husband: You kill it! Hit it!
Me: I HAVE NOTHING TO KILL IT WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The husband: Hit it with your hand!
(Seriously, the husband? My hand? SERIOUSLY?!)
Me: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE!!!!!!
This is the point where the husband's version of events differs from mine. He claims that instead of saying, "TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE!!" I said, "OPEN THE DOOR!" Which is just ludicrous, because why would I want him to open the door? What good would that do? I wanted the spider dead. Which is why I needed his shoe. Obviously.
But instead of giving me his shoe, he's thinking, why does she want me to open the door? And instead of receiving the shoe, I'm thinking why won't he give me his shoe?
Meanwhile, the spider is thinking, what a bunch of assholes. this is the easiest kill ever.
The husband: Hit it!
Me: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE!
Finally, the husband takes off his shoe and whacks the spider.
Me: WHERE'D IT GO?!!!!!!!!! WHERE'D IT GO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The husband: I don't know, but it guts are on your door.
And then he pulled onto the road and was all, "it's a good thing you didn't scream when we were on the road or we'd be dead right now."
And then I was all, "yeah, good thing." But I didn't say what I was really thinking. I was really thinking that the danger hadn't passed. That we didn't have a body. All we saw were a few guts. Spiders can totally survive with a few missing guts. How many times have you squished a spider thinking it was good and dead only to have it suddenly spring back to life? All the freaking time. That's how many times.
So as we were driving all I was thinking was that the spider was probably springing to life on the bottom of the husband's shoe. And was slowly making its way up his leg to bite him on the penis. Or maybe, it was going to crawl in his penis. Like those fish in the Amazon, on wherever, who swim up men's penises when they pee. And the pain is so bad they wish for their penis to be cut off.
I didn't mention any of this to the husband. Partly because I'm thoughtful and partly because I think that would have made him slightly hysterical. And I'm pretty sure the first thing they teach you in driving school is don't make the driver become hysterical by mentioning animals crawling up his penis.
We drove to Blockbuster (the actual store, not one of those box things outside of a sketchy 7-11), rented a movie, and had a very nice non-eventful evening.
However, the husband and I will always remember it as the night I was almost eaten by a spider. And I, alone, will always remember it as the night the husband almost lost his wiener. I carry that burden alone. Because that's what love it.
Don't you love it when a horror story turns into an accidental love story?