Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Olive Oil and Obscene Phone Calls

Editor's Note: This post is meant to be funny. However, at times, it may be unintentionally sad or even down-right depressing. The Sarcasm Goddess' cat is dying. Some of you may be saying, "Didn't that already happen?" The answer is yes, yes it did. Now her other cat is dying. And she's not really sure how one is supposed to deal with the death of two of her childhood cats within an eight-ish day period. It's entirely possible there may be a kitty miracle but...

Okay, The Sarcasm Goddess has to stop talking about this now.

Editor's Note P.S. This blog has no editor. Clearly. If it did, posts like this would never happen. I hope you all brought  your helmets. Also, I think, according to proper grammatical procedures it should be, "This blog does not have an editor."

Meh. Grammar.

Editor's Note P.P.S. If this blog has no editor it means The Sarcasm Goddess was referring to herself in the third person in the first paragraph (and is apparently still doing it). That probably means something significant. Like when your heart is filled with grief you become detached from reality. That, or you really really really should never hit Publish without an editor's approval.

Or maybe you shouldn't blog when you're dead.

That will make more sense later.

Probably not.

I just got home from the longest eight hour trip. It wasn't long in the way eight hours is long, and not even the way twenty-seven hours is long, but rather the way eight-hours-seems-like-twenty-seven-hours is long. And no, I can't explain what that means or how that works. I'm not a mathematician, people.

I should probably also explain that I was on a car trip, not some other kind of trip involving illegal drugs. The only tripping I engage in is the walking up stairs variety and 27 hour car trips. However, if someone could give me a drug, legal or otherwise, that would reverse the death and impending death of my cats, I would take it.

However, I think someone did that once and it was called Pet Sematary, except maybe without the drugs, and it did not end well. I can't say for certain, though, because someone is hawking up a loogie in the pool and I'm distracted. Also? Vomiting.

Which is alarming, and also possibly miraculous, considering I'm dead. Or maybe vomiting is a typical day-in-the-life of a dead person. 

I don't know. I've never been dead before.

By now, you are probably seven shades of confused. But don't worry, none of the stuff I've said so far really matters. I think this is called working through your grief and you should probably just skip everything up to this point. However, if you reached this point it means you probably did read the above, in which case, I'm sorry.

Cookie?

Okay, the real post is going to start now and the amount of sense it will make will likely be equal to or less than the amount of sense this post has made thus far.

(Oh, and in case anyone is wondering: I'm dead because when I got home from aforementioned car trip, I made coffee, momentarily thought we were out of creamer, had a nervous breakdown and died.)

Do you ever have one of those days you wish someone would come save you from your own stupidity?

Me too.

Today wasn't one of those days. Obviously, everything went according to plan seeing as how I ended up dead and am now constructing the most brilliant blog post in the history of ever.

My I'm-too-dumb-to-function day happened a few days ago. After several comedic episodes, which were less "comedic" and more "good job, dumbass", I started making notes in my notebook because Hello! Awesome blog post!

Some of the notes I can read, some are illegible and the others? I have no idea what they mean. Like: scarf, Target, choke. I'm guessing that means I almost choked myself trying on scarves at Target. Which sounds pretty accurate since it's happened before. Except "Target" was my house and I did it while the husband was sleeping upstairs. I tried to scream for help but it's pretty hard to do when you can't breathe.

I'll spare you the details of the other idiotic stuff I did and skip to the part where I sat on my patio and lathered myself in Olive Oil, officially confirming to my neighbors that I am The Crazy they always suspected.

Why did I do this?

I think the better question is, why wouldn't I do this? Either way, though, the answer is my skin hates me and has decided to get really dry and Olive Oil is good for dry skin.

You know what's not good for Olive Oil coated skin? Lying out by the pool. Which is what I did approximately ten minutes after I basted myself because I have the memory of a person with a very bad memory and had forgotten I coated myself in an active frying ingredient. As the hot rays beat down on my skin I was all, "Mmmm, something's cooking." And then I was all, "It's you, dumbass."

I think that was the end of my dumbass shenanigans, unless ouch, wall hmngmhb means I later walked into a wall. Which is, of course, completely within the realm of possibility.

You know what else is within the realm of possibility? Inadvertently getting involved in an obscene phone call.

Sort of.

I would explain it to you but this post is already way too long to be a post about absolutely nothing. And also? Sadness. And also x 2? "O" day is almost over. So I'm just going to hit Publish and wish you all the very best of luck reading this. Don't forget your helmets and also probably a flotation device. You know, just in cases.


35 comments:

  1. I'd lose it without creamer too...

    ...and I'm so so so sorry about your kitty :( No need to apologize to us for a grief-y post. I'm hoping for a miracle for ya!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! And glad to see I'm not the only creamer freak.

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  2. Sorry about your other cat. We just took in cat that has a flatulence problem. It's really bad. This cat can clear a room like a dog. A very, big, dog. Olive oil goes in you hair, or on your food. It's especially good with Italian dishes, but you probably knew that, being Italian and all. Also eggs go in the hair, yolks I think, cause the whites allow you to make dread locks.
    Where's my cookie?

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    Replies
    1. It's coming, it's coming. Just need to soak in olive oil for a few more minutes.

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    2. I wrote something, and it's gone from my post! Use Shea Butter. Much better for your skin than olive oil. I know all about this stuff. Has your husband taught you to knit yet?

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  3. Sorry about your cats,....and the creamer. I can certainly relate to blog ideas written in a notebook that make no sense when you come back for that awesome post thought.
    This is completely unrelated, but it just occured to me that the word publish is also that state of mind i end up in on Friday night, about 5:00 PM. As in, it's been a long week, i'm feeling rather pub-lish. Which probably explains the gibberish in my notebook.

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  4. I love the phrase "realm of possibility". And I love you.

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  5. ): about your cat. She/he still might pull through.
    Sending lots internet hugs!!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Your hugs worked! She's still here!

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  6. Very very sorry about your cat. I know that dogs tend to thrive off each other and also can go downhill if the other one passes away. I'm guessing it's the same for cats? Either way, it's sad :(

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    1. Yeah, we couldn't tell if she was missing her sister or if there was something medically wrong. She has heart disease and her chest was filled with fluid and she wasn't eating, but...she's still here! Kitty miracle!

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  7. I'm quite possibly the biggest nerd in history cuz when I read this part, "x 2? "O"" ... I thought about Oxygen which is O2...

    again... so sorry about your cat ... I know the feeling ... and it's horrible. BIG Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Your hugs helped. She's still with us! Ya!

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  8. It's the worst when you don't have creamer...it kind of ruins your day. As for your cat, I am really sorry, we had to put our dog down last year and it was very difficult. At least he went out in style, his belly fully of Mickey D's happy meal.

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    Replies
    1. Aw, I'm so sorry about your sweet pup. Losing a pet is so hard.

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  9. I thought I smelled something cooking! When are you inviting us over to feast?

    (It just occurred to me that that was a very very dirty joke, and that I should probably delete it and start over, but I probably won't.)

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  10. Sorry to hear about your other kitty...losing 1 of anything you love is always traumatic, but throw in 1 more and the stress is really unbelievable. But on another note, olive oil is only used as a last resort. Try baby oil instead!

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  11. I love the Sarcasm Goddess. Immensely. I've cooked like an onion ring while based I'm olive oil in the sun before. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I'm so sorry about your cats. I know this pain so well and there's not a thing anyone can say to take that pain away. However, time heals all wounds. You may be left with a scar, but scars get easier to accept. See how I went all philosophical on you? It's been 5 years since I lost my sixteen year old furry baby, and I STILL cry about it. Sending hugs, a slab of bacon and a mental photo of a buck naked R. Gosling your way.

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  12. I just want to tell you how it f*cking sucks about your kitties. Sending only good thoughts and wine your way.

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  13. Sorry about your cats. Also, sorry about the creamer lack of. Words in that last sentence were supposed to be in a different order. Also, waiting patiently for that cookie! Patience is a cookie...virtue...something. Uuuuuhm, cookies!

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  14. Oh. I'm so sorry about your cats. My cats are still relatively young but I find myself already dreading the day.:(
    Nutschell
    www.thewritingnut.com
    Happy A-Zing!

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  15. There's no rule to grief. Write it out sister.
    You could eat your feelings!?

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  16. I'm so sorry about your cat. :( Here's hoping for a kitty miracle.

    -- Susan

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  17. Ha ha. I actually do that myself. The crazy shenanigans that I experience will at first irk me then set off a "this-will-make-an-EXCELLENT-blog-post" light bulb. XD

    And I'm sorry to hear about the kitty. I hope it will feel better.

    -Barb the French Bean

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  18. I hope you come back from the dead soon - I have coffee and enough creamer for both of us! I am so sorry about kitty, you know I know what you're going through if you need to talk..

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  19. I had two kitties go to kitty heaven within a short period of time. I hope the best for you and for kitty. And a good, long, slightly rambling post is therapeutic and cathartic. And just so you know, it all made perfect sense.

    Hugs!

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  20. So sorry about the kitty, but I'm thinking you will find distractions. Things seem to go that way for you. I'm trying to visit all the A-Z Challenge blogs this month. My alphabet is at myqualityday.blogspot.com

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  21. What can seem like rambling to some can make complete sense to others in the same state of unease. My heart goes out to you dearie... Ramble on, it's okay, makes perfect sense to me. :)

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  22. I'm a little late on the reply with this post. it was great, funny as always, but I am just too darn sad about your poor kitty. I bet it misses its' mate, and thinking about kitty love like that just makes me even sadder.
    yeah, I'll take a cookie.
    and some cream if you're still good there.
    I do hope all is well.

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  23. You make great rambles. Just sayin.

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  24. New follower here. I’m enjoying reading my fellow “A to Z”ers. I look forward to visiting again.

    Sylvia
    http://www.writinginwonderland.blogspot.com/

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  25. This is my kinda post! Fucking hilarious. I have to add a cuss before this funny! Granted I could read it over and over ad still not get some of it but it would still make me laugh again. Well done.

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  26. I'm a lurker, newly commenting because I just have to say, sorry about your cats...
    And while I'm here, I should point out that i think you're hilarious and I love your blog.
    :)

    ReplyDelete

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