Thursday, April 12, 2012

Kill 'Im Karaoke Style

I am a terrible singer. Terrible like whoa. Imagine the worst singer you've ever heard. No! Image the worst sound you've ever heard. Any sound that's terrible. Perhaps mating cats clawing a chalkboard? If you've heard a sound more terrible than that, first of all, I'm sorry, second of all, imagine it.

Are you imagining?

Is your nose scrunched and your eyes squinted and your ears bleeding at the mere thought of the sound?

Good.

Now multiply the awfulness of that sound times a kajillion billion.
Oh geez. We're going to be here awhile. Anyone got a calculator?

I know Harold. I know.

Honestly, I should be brought in during the interrogation of war criminals. Three notes in and they'd be confessing to crimes they didn't even commit just to get me to shut up.

Needless to say, I don't karaoke. It seems unnecessary to subject innocent people to such heinous torture. However, one night after half a beer, I decided karaoke would be a fabulous idea.

The husband: Uhhhh, are you sure you wanna do that?

Me: Yes! I've been practicing.

The husband: Uhhhhh, what are you going to sing?

Me: Adele!

The husband: That is the worst idea ever.

Me: No really, I'm good. Oh! I have an idea. I'll practice right here for you first. Tell me what you think, ok?

The husband (to the waitress): What's the strongest shot you've got? Anything that can make me instantly black-out?

The waitress: Ummm, well we might have...

The husband: Never mind. Just bring me ALL THE ALCOHOL. STAT!

I cleared my throat, did a few warm up exercises and began to sing for the husband.



I can't say for sure, but I think the husband stabbing himself in the ear with a fork is a bad sign. So, sadly, I did not karaoke.

You may have noticed that it's nearly "L" day. I'm getting this post in under the wire so I'll double up on the comment gems are words and quotes of the day tomorrow.





34 comments:

  1. Girl, you're so hilarious. I can't sing for shit, either. I once blogged, "For those that witnessed my version of Stevie Nick's "Edge of 17", your ruptured eardrum is your problem. My insurance will not cover your ENT bills." I've been known to give a disclaimer before I sing karaoke. Seriously.
    The pics of your husband made me lose my shit. Genius!!

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    Replies
    1. Well at least you didn't lose your shirt! *wink*

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  2. Hahahah I love this. Probs cuz i sound the exact same way (ear stabby).

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    Replies
    1. We should do a duet. Maybe something dedicated to Boyfriend and The Husband.

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  3. hahaha... I love, love, LOVE karaoke.... people don't seem to run screaming from the building when I sing, so I take that as a good sign.

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  4. I can't sing either. I have it on my challenge list to sing karaoke. It's just for me to get up the nerve to do it. I know I will suck.

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    1. You should do it! I can guarantee you you won't suck more than me. It should encourage you to know there will always be someone worse than you.

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  5. All it took was half a beer? LOL It would take half a bottle of Vodka or Tequila for me to even consider singing in public. Considering I don't much like drinking, I'm thinking the public is safe.

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    1. I know, it was weird. I think the beer was spike with ALL THE ALCOHOL which is why there was none left for the husband.

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  6. Your drawings crack me up! You get the facial expressions just right. " ...mating cats clawing a chalkboard?" ROFL!

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    Replies
    1. Don't you just hate it when mating cats claw at chalkboards?

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  7. I like to sing along with my iPod while I vacuum. I can't hear it and it's a great punishment for my children.

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  8. Well since you can't sing, maybe a career as an artist! Love the drawings

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  9. Love this. Whenever that song comes on at work, I do my own nails on a chalkboard rendition, complete with dramatic, Celine Dion- esque arm movements. I would've supported your karaoke dreams....

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    Replies
    1. Celine Dion-esque arms are the best. I like to do them in my car at red lights.

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  10. so what you're telling us is - no forthcoming vlogs of you singing, well, anything?
    perhaps the husband? once the tuning fork is removed from his ear, of course.

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    Replies
    1. No vlogs. I don't want to explode the internets.

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  11. I love that Harold the Beaver does math! My beaver is terrible with numbers! ;)

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    Replies
    1. It's understandable. Beavers aren't naturally good at math. Harold trained for a very long time.

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  12. My sisters and I sang Bad Romance in front of a ton of people at a bar after my sisters wedding last month. We also danced. I still try to block the memories out.

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    1. Please tell me there is video and please send it to me STAT!

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    2. There was a video. Then all of a sudden, there wasn't

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    3. There was a video. Then all of a sudden, there wasn't

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  13. Now THAT was funny stuff.

    Good work.

    Dave the Goof

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  14. You sound like you'd be perfect for karaoke. The trick is to serve a lot of alcohol BEFORE the singing starts. Also helpful...only do the karaoke around people you know. Besides, your husband I mean. Since I wouldn't want him stabbing himself again. Unless we give him many drinks first.

    For some reason, my sister hasn't taken the brand new karaoke machine she got for Christmas out of the box. Even though she really wanted it. If she ever does, you're invited!

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  15. Your husband is a sweetheart. Mine would have tackled and gagged me.

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  16. I love reading your posts and then BAM a beaver!!

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  17. Dang, I missed this earlier! I would love to go to karaoke with you...the 'creative' singers are my favourite :D

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  18. just found your blog, yep, I am late to the party as usual.

    will be back to read more! great post. :)

    best,
    MOV
    http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com

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  19. I had to come back and read this again and share with my friends because I recently did horrid karaoke and thought of this post. just as hilarious as the first time I read it.

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