|That husband, such a jokester.|
In short, run like hell.
Kidding, kidding. We're actually an amazing people (as I'm sure you've witnessed by reading this blog). But still, it's good to be prepared. Following are a few things you should know about Italian women to make your experience with them more rewarding.
Food. Life revolves around it. If an Italian woman is hosting a dinner for five people, she will, at minimum, have enough food for 15.
Now, although the Italian woman is preparing and cooking enough food to, literally, feed an army, she will at one point, stop what she's doing, turn to her sweet long-suffering significant other and woefully ask, "Do you think I'm making enough food?"
The answer is obvious, right? "Of course, dear! There's plenty!"
WRONG! Do not ever say this to an Italian woman during the food prep stage. Unless you want it to be your last day on earth. She won't so much as kill you as she will weep and worry and accuse you of not caring about the party to the extent you will wish you were dead.
However, don't let this fool you into thinking you should respond with, "Hell, no, honey! There's not enough food." If you say this, you might as well jam a meat thermometer in your jugular because you have just insulted her ability to host a party, which is like saying there's a flaw in her DNA.
Basically, being married to an Italian woman is like walking a tightrope thousands of feet in the air over a jagged, rocky canyon with blood-thirty alligators at the bottom. One small slip and you plunge to your death.
Italian women are fixers. As the great Vanilla Ice once said, "If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it."
|Lyrical Genius, this guy|
This will make the Italian woman extremely happy because she senses a problem (not enough food) to which she has a solution (more food waiting in the wings). There's always more food waiting in the wings. In fact, it probably is wings. And ribs. And cutlets. And three types of dip. And eggplant parmigiana. And linguini, shrimp scampi, bacon-wrapped scallops, mini quiche, crab legs, soup and pretty much any other food you can think of. And if, by chance, she did not make your favorite dish, you can guarantee she will have made it at the next dinner party, along with all the other aforementioned food.
Which is why you should alternate between fasting and stretching out your stomach for weeks in advance of attending an Italian woman's dinner party. The reasons for this are twofold: 1. If you don't pace yourself, very bad things will happen;
|Mastering the art of pacing yourself. The end result is the same, it just takes longer to get there.|
The guilt. Italian women are always watching...and waiting. After heaping a mound of food high enough on your plate to rival Mt. Everest, she will wait until you've scraped every last morsel off of said plate and look as though you are about to explode to say, "Aren't you going to eat?"
All aboard, folks! The guilt train is leaving the station.
You: I did eat. I ate A LOT.
Italian woman: Here, have some more.
You: Oh no, I couldn't possibly. I am so full.
Italian woman: You didn't like it?
You: I loved it! That's why I ate so much.
(Look at you, trying to use logic to reason with an Italian woman. Your naivete is so cute.)
Italian woman: What, specifically, didn't you like? Everything? It was all bad, wasn't it? I knew I ruined dinner.
You (starting to panic now): What?! No! It was delicious!
Italian woman (weepy eyes, quivering lips): You don't love me. If you loved me, you would eat.
You (look of total bewilderment): I do love you! Look! I'm going to eat. Are there any chickens left?
Italian woman: Yes! There are eight whole chickens left. How many would you like?
|Nothing makes an Italian woman happier than watching people eat mass quantities of food that she's cooked.|
Me: What do you mean? Like a recipe book?
My mother: Like, recipes. I don't have any recipes.
Now, in addition to the the literally countless number of cookbooks lining her shelves (I seriously mean "countless", numbers have not yet been invented to count that high) she also has this:
Not one, but two binders full of recipes she has gathered from all over creation. Recipes are organized by type, but not just "appetizers," "main dishes," "desserts" but by Lemon Bars! Apple Pies! Spinach Quiche! Peach Cobbler! Bread! etc, etc, etc.
|A closer look at one of the books. My mom, the queen of organization, deserves mad props for allowing me to photograph this and post it on my blog without it being in perfect organized condition.|
And finally...Communicating. There is only one way for Italians to communicate: by talking loudly and gesticulating wildly. The first time the husband came home with me to meet my family, he walked into the kitchen where my mother and I were talking, and quickly left.
The husband (later that evening): Wow, what were you and your mom fighting about?
Me: We weren't fighting, we were talking.
Basically, Italians have two volumes: loud and louder.
There you have it, a few things to keep in mind so that your time with an Italian woman will be the most enriching, rewarding experience it can be.
I do realize this post was rather long. But that was intentional, lest anyone ever accuse an Italian woman of getting directly to the point.
Thank you all for your sweet words and support in response to yesterday's post. You have no idea who much your words mean to me. THANK YOU.
And now! Time for some comment gems from the last few posts:
Coffee Lovin' Mom: Facebook blows - but my family is there so I have to stay until they all unfriend me...
Pish Posh: Oh yeah, Facebook, weird. Most people in real life talk about facebook all the time like it was a party we all went to last night.
Jaye Robin Brown: I loathe Facebook. Mostly because I spent a winter playing Farmville where I couldn't grow Fava beans or keep my Flowering trees from dying because I'd forgotten about Farrowing the Fields.
Coffee Lovin' Mom: I am almost a bottle in and about to be the easter bunny...there are 15 hard boiled eggs - please remind me of that tomorrow okay?
Jennifer A. Hall: You are so insane!
Quote of the Day:
The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say.
Word of the Day:
imbroglio: a complicated and embarrassing state of things