Friday, April 6, 2012

For the Love of...Facebook?

I have never been so happy to see the end of a day in my life. Good riddance "E" helloooo "F"!

Many of you know I have a hate/hate relationship with Facebook, in that I hate it. And also? I hate it.

As recent commenter, Klahanie said, Facebook, everyone's favourite social 'notworking' site where my 'friends' can keep up with my 'vital to their lives' profile updates.

Ahhh, sarcasm. You complete me.

I really couldn't agree more. That being said, my blog now has it's own facebook page! Go like it, wouldja?

I held out on having my own (personal) FB page for the longest time because I just didn't get it. But when my friends no longer talked to me in real life, I finally broke down and got my own page. And let me just say, "Wow, what a rewarding experience it's a been." For the most part, the only real-life friends who give a shit about my updates are the ones I actually talk to in real life. The rest of my "friends" wouldn't comment if I posted the status: An intruder is in my home and said he will kill me if ten people don't comment on my status and 14 of them don't 'like' this.

Crickets, is what I'd get. Crickets!

(Unless, of course, you are one of my bloggy friends, who is also one of my FB friends. Then you care way more about what happens to me in real life than most of my IRL friends. I believe that's what they call irony. Or not. Whatever.)

Almost a year ago, my amazing friend T (who is amazing in real life and on FB) created a FB page for my blog which I did absolutely nothing with because I was all, "how many places can I expect people to worship me?"

Apparently? A lot. Because just this week I got my page up and running and I think I speak for the 29 people who already like it when I say we are having THE BEST time.

And you can too, if you go 'like' it. Hint, hint. Like my page!

Don't worry, I won't bore you with inane comments like, "Just put on deodorant." For the most part I tell you how amazing you are and post pictures of Ryan Gosling...
And funny pics from my Pinterest boards...

In honor of "F" day, I'm going to cheat a little and re-post the post I wrote the night I was trying to create my personal FB page a year ago. Some of you may have read this before, but I think it's worth a second read.

This Was a Bad Idea

Well I done did it.  I have my own facebook page.  And IT DID NOT GO WELL!

That shouting right there?  That's just to give you a taste of what went on in my house during the facebook setup process.

There was much screaming.  And shouting.  And yelling.  And all the other synonyms of screaming and shouting and yelling.  And cursing.  Much cursing.  And throwing of knives.  It was a mess ya'll.  A big freaking disaster.

But honestly?  Did we expect anything else?

I'm pretty sure having my own facebook page will be the thing that finally puts me in the loony bin.  Or jail.  Or gets me pregnant.  I don't know.  I'm still not sure how facebook works.

Apparently, though, security is very important to them.  I didn't realize I was applying for a top secret government job.  Seriously, it's ridic.  I kept waiting for the knock at the door from two men in black asking me to pee in a cup.

It sounds simple, right?  Email.  Password.  Viola!  Facebook page.

Wrong!

Why?  Well, I couldn't use my email address because it was already in use by the husband's second facebook page.  Remember the one?  He set it up to communicate with his flag football team, but couldn't use his email account because that was already in use by his other facebook page, which he does nothing with.

So, I created another email account.  And everything was going well.  Setting up my profile.  Uploading my profile pic.  Adding friends.  And then facebook freaks out and tells me I have to verify my account with my phone number.  Which I don't want to do.  Because as much as facebook is all fingerprints-background-test-drug-screening-four-references-please, I've heard they're not very good with protecting your information once it's out there.

But there seemed to be no way around it.  So I entered my cell phone hit "next" and was prompted to enter my code.  Uh, what code?  Are the men in black supposed to delivery it to me? So I clicked the "I did not receive a code link" and it took me back to the screen to enter my phone number, which I did again and finally got a clue. Ohhhh, I will get a code texted to my phone.

Retrieved phone.

No text.

Curses!

Tried again.  And again.  And again.  Commenced mass screaming and cursing.

The husband:  Maybe I used your cell phone to set up the second account.

Me: Grrr

The husband: You can just delete that account entirely.

Me: Yippee!

My celebration was premature.

Do you have any idea what is involved in deleting your facebook account?  Not just de-activating, but deleting.  As in gone forever.

It goes something like this: I see you want to delete your facebook account.  If you do, 100 baby seals will be clubbed.  Are you sure you want 100 baby seals to be clubbed?

Uh, no.  I just want to delete my facebook page.

We're sorry, but the only way to delete your facebook page is to club 100 baby seals.  It's THE ONLY WAY.

Fine, club 100 baby seals.  Whatever.  Just get rid of my page.
Congratulations.  You no longer have a facebook page.  And the blood of 100 baby seals is on your hands.  Should you choose to, you have 14 days to reactivate your page.  But the baby seals will still be dead.

Great.  Thanks.

I'm sure you know what I'm going to say next.  Deleting the husband's superfluous page and killing baby seals didn't allow me to have a text sent to my cell phone.  Therefore, no facebook page for me.  Bring on more cursing and yelling and WHAT THE HELL! PEOPLE'S GRANDMOTHERS HAVE SET UP A FACEBOOK PAGE!!  WHY CAN'T I?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO.  JUST NEVER HAVE A FACEBOOK PAGE?  AND IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN CALL THE HELPLINE.  IT'S F*CKIN FACEBOOK!! THEY DON'T HAVE PEOPLE JUST SITTING AROUND FOR TECHNOLOGICALLY INEPT ASSHOLES TO CALL UP AND SAY UH EXCUSE ME, BUT HOW DO I GET ONE OF THEM FACEBOOK PAGE THINGIES!!  BECAUSE IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HARD.  EMAIL. PASSWORD.  DONE!!  AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGG!  I NEED TO STAB SOMETHING!

Guess who was on the other end of the yelling?  The husband.  He tried to be a doll and help.

The husband: Look, they have instructions for verifying your account if you don't have a phone.

Me: Yeah, scan in your driver's license.  Okay, sure facebook.  While I'm at it why not just give you my social security number and my bank account number and my address and a key to my house so you and your 49 billion friends can come rape and pillage me in the middle of the night.

I took the computer back from the husband and reactivated the account I deleted and received the following message from facebook.

Welcome back!  We knew you couldn't stay away.  And because we knew you'd be back, we held off killing the baby seals...Kidding!  They're totally dead.

I rooted around on the husband's page to see if my cell number was listed somewhere.  But it wasn't.  I tried to change the name of the husband's page to my page.  But it wouldn't change.  Time to delete his page again.

I see you want to delete your facebook account.  If you do, 100 baby seals...

Yeah, yeah.  Club 'em.

Me: I'M SO PISSED OFF I'M GOING TO THROW THIS COMPUTER!!

The husband: Don't you dare!

He says it all harsh and menacing like, because he knows it's a very good possibility I will throw it.  Like that time in college when he got a better grade on a test than I did and I threw his $90 calculator cuz I was hella pissed.

Me: CURSE CURSE CURSE STAB STAB STAB  Oh, look, I have a facebook page.

The husband: I guess if you bang around on the keys long enough you'll have your own page.

Me: Apparently

And that is how I joined the facebook world.  Also?  NASA just announced there is a giant asteroid headed for earth big enough to wipe out civilization.  I don't have any proof, but I'm pretty sure the two are related.

The End

 
I really appreciate all of you who stuck it out with me through yesterday's crap-errific post.

Comment gems from yesterday: ALL OF THEM.

Seriously, if you commented on that crap, you deserve a damn medal. Or at least a cookie.

Here are snippets from each one:

Gia: hahahha...stream on consciousy. Nothing to be embarrassed about!

Paul:While sharing chocolate covered flies, I often wonder to myself, which famous fascists preferred females with freckles with whom to engage in their fornication?

Jacqui: I love how you added my lack of knowledge about currency to your post...that's not too Embarrassing. 

Justin: Clearly F is for Flava - who else could write "Flava flav the flav of all of flavors. Onion and garlic french fried potatas."  

TriGirl: You know what's funny? In your blog roll there are other people doing the challenge too...so their E posts are right there :P What's that? That's not funny? Oh. Well, I blame it on my illness...I happened to enjoy this post. 

Elise Fallson: Excruciating. That's an E word, which your post was not!

MamaMash: Ok, for real though, every single time I see bacon, I think of you. For what it's worth. 

The Writer, Rinser, Repeater: I once saw a chicken running around beneath my feet and then my head as I rode a carny ride.  

Coffee Lovin' Mom: You are brilliant and funny no matter what you write.

Jennifer A. Hall: I think you are far cleverer than you let on! 

ClassicNYer: Actually, as soon as I saw how pretty and shiny your hair was, all the rest was forgiven.

Chemgirljaime: This is why I love reading your shit.. cuz even when it's shit, it's still funny.

Kate Ground: Awesome! I was " enthralled " 

Alison @ Mama Wants This: Enter the Extraordinary, Excellent, Ever-Entertaining Sarcasm Goddess! 

Quote of the Day:
 Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.
 ~John Jakes

Word of the Day:
fatuous: inanely foolish; stupid; 

Let's BEE Friends


 

44 comments:

  1. I have not had these major issues with Facebook Well except that it harasses the hell out of me when someone sends me a private message. It's all MESSAGE, PRIVATE MESSAGE, SOMEONE HAS SENT YOU A FACEBOOK MESSAGE, YOU BETTER READ YOUR MESSAGE FROM SO & SO!!! They'd probably club a 100 baby seals if I didn't read it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what I hate the most? Is "liking" that someone had a baby or got married or took a poop or whatever and I got an email every time someone else likes the same thing. I COULD CARE LESS THAT EVERYONE ELSE LIKES IT. Remind me while I have a page again?

      Delete
  2. I'll go make it 30, but only because you promised naked pics of Ryan Gosling. You did say naked, right?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Seeing pics of Ryan Gosling probably isn't going to do it for me. Whatcha got on your FB page to get the sausage crowd to come by and stick around, other than you of course?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Paul, like they need anything other than me. Silly man.

      Delete
    2. Yes, most of us are very silly, but still...

      Delete
  4. Facebook blows - but my family is there so I have to stay until they all unfriend me...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder if I could pay my family to unfriend me. Kidding. Totally kidding. Kind of.

      Delete
  5. Dude. You need some new IRL friends. I am POSITIVE mine would save me from that killer. Facebook is by far my favorite social networking tool. It's Twitter I can't get into. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT, SISTER! Now, go and friend me. I'll save you from the intruder. You know my real name.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I'm already friending you? Or should we friend each other's real names? I'm confused.

      Delete
  6. Facebook, where people you hated in high school come to see if you've gotten fat after all these years.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have a Blogger draft right now called "My Hate Hate Relationship with Facebook." See how cosmically in sync we are? It's just been sitting there for weeks waiting to be published. It will be, one day. And you should friend me on Facebook because I would most def try to help if you had an intruder. Baby seals. I love clubbing baby seals. On Tuesday.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just read E and F together and I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster with Cookie Monster. I was screaming and he just kept saying NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!

    I need to let my head stop spinning for a second.

    Oh yeah, Facebook, weird. Most people in real life talk about facebook all the time like it was a party we all went to last night.

    ReplyDelete
  9. OK, I liked your fb page. Now, where's that $5 you promised.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm liking your page because if I don't I'm afraid you'll write another long ass post like that and then rock yourself silly in the corner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no! There's a typo in your comment. I think you meant to say, keep writing awesome-ass posts. :)

      Delete
  11. I hate FB SOOOO much. Let's face it, if I wanted to keep in touch with family and school chums I probably WOULDN'T HAVE MOVED 5000 MILES AWAY. Geez, take a hint, wouldya?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I still don't have a personal facebook page and will probably never have one. This was hilarious...but I hope they didn't really club 100 baby seals. Love the quote of the day!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yeah I'm getting pretty sick of facebook, too. Love the SARC shirt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My personal page is lame but I really love my blog page.

      Delete
  14. I had a Facebook page just to keep in touch with my family members who live abroad, but then people who I don't like kept asking to be my friend. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I didn't answer, and they kept piling up and mocking me every time I logged in. So I got rid of my FB page.

    Good luck with your page :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I could get rid of my personal page. Or least defriend about 90% of my "friends"

      Delete
  15. Fun post.

    Popping in as an A to Z Blogging Challenge participant. Please feel free to visit and comment on any of my blogs as well, leaving a link to your own post, so my readers can find you too!

    You can click my name/icon for links to all six A to Z blogs! Happy A-to-Z-ing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woah, wait, what? Are you doing SIX A to A challenges? This, I gotta see.

      Delete
  16. Sarc - my second favorite -asm - Brilliant T - want one!

    I loathe Facebook. Mostly because I spent a winter playing Farmville where I couldn't grow Fava beans or keep my Flowering trees from dying because I'd forgotten about Farrowing the Fields. Oh and having to Friend the people who I work with, who are Faux Friends and who I don't want seeing the pictures of my Florida Fat in a bathing suit vacation because then they will Focus on my Frumpiness and my Faults rather than my Fabulousness. So I said F you to Facebook. The end.

    (Can you tell I'm trying very hard to get into your mentions! - Like Far out!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those fava beans will get you every time. Love all your "F" words!!

      Delete
  17. very cute, very funny. I posted about FB today, too - AND liked your page from my page. It's like I'm a stalker or something.

    Always enjoy your stuff, SG, even if I don't over here enough.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I liked you, I really liked you! ;)

    and officially request pic of Ryan eating some bacon.
    Canadian bacon to be specific

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure thing! I'll ask him for one next time I talk to him.

      Delete
  19. I once stopped speaking to a friend for over a year because we got into an argument about FB and how drenched in suck I thought it was. Now I get to wear the hypocrite hat because I'm on FB constantly. It is the best way to give people what they want (pictures of my kids) without giving them what they don't want (quality time with me).

    I love the baby seals lines. That's the kind of dire warnings I get every time I cancel my Weight Watchers account.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you look smashing in that hypocrite hat.

      Delete
  20. Awesome shirt :) I've never tried to delete an acct on FB but yeah, I've heard it's like killing kitte...seals. Baby seals.

    I'll join your FB page (I have one too btw; wink-wink, nudge-nudge)

    ReplyDelete
  21. this succeeded in thoroughly entertaining me for a few minutes, thanyou! your posts are great and i absolutely love your blog! /follows/
    f-a-i-r-y-l-i-g-h-t-s.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is why my blog doesn't have a FB page. Or actually it's b/c I don't want IRL people to know I have a blog. Did I just say that?

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.