Thursday, April 5, 2012

Er, Um, Blah

You guys have been amazing. Really, you have. Which makes me feel extra kinds of awful for what's about to take place. The following is what happens when a blogger sits down to blog and has absolutely nothing to say. Combine that with the fact that I have absolutely nothing to say about the letter "E," and, well...it ain't gonna be perdy folks.

I kept waiting for an epiphany of genius, but sadly it never came, so this is what you guys are gonna get. And I'm not even sure what that is yet.

So since I'm an ego-maniacal ego maniac with a big ego, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to ramble on for about 4,000 words of absolutely nothing and you guys are going to ooh and ahh and tell me I'm funny and brilliant and the best writer Evah! And if you really can't do that because this is so egregious you may comment on how pretty and shiny my hair is.
This is supposed to be me with shiny hair but it looks like I took a bath in butter. Which honestly isn't the worst idea ever. In fact, anything is better than reading this post. But unfortunately for you guys, you took a vow to stick this challenge out with me for better or worse. And this, my friends, is the worst.

(P.S. If you're new here, you're probably gonna wanna skip this post and go read, well any one of my other posts is probably going to be better than this. But the rest of you, stay right where you are!)

Are you overcome with egritude yet?

Here, have some egriot:
Raise your hand if these drawings are fooling you into thinking this is a legitimate blog post.

Me neither.

Maybe I should blog about how delicious elephant ears are.

I can't even remember the last time I had the doughy sugary goodness of an elephant ear. I don't go to fairs. The animals in the livestock tent are always foaming at the mouth and look downright miserable and the husband has to keep an eye on me to make sure I don't set them all free. And the rides? No. I do not go on those.

Any ride that can be folded up, packed in a box and wheeled from town to town isn't exactly considered safe in my book. Also, have you seen the toothless, tobacco spittin, dirty-fingernailed, prostitute-lovin' gentlemen who put those things together? (Forgive me. That was a totally unfair generalization of carnies. I'm sure some of them have teeth.) I don't think quality control ranks high on their list of priorities. If I had to guess, I'd say it falls somewhere below butt scratchin' but definitely above hand washing.

I'm just waiting for the day one of those rides come crashing down because the bolt or the lug or the nut or the screw or the whatever it is that holds the whole thing together has gotten lodged in an unfortunate place and extricating it from Candy the Crack Whore is going to cost an additional $25. And let's face it, how many ride-putter-together people have an extra 25 bucks lying around? I mean, besides the 25 they shelled out for some late night companionship behind the taco/gyro/turkey leg wagon.

Am I right?

OH MAH GAH. What the hell did I just write? This, boys and girls, is exactly why we never blog without a plan.

You wanna know the truth? I know exactly what E word I should be blogging about. In fact, I know exactly what E word I should be doing.

EDITING. As in mah novel.

That's right. Shameless book plug in

3...

2...

1...

BOOM! I wrote a book. I am currently on the fourth edit and am working with my editor to iron out all the kinks. It's going smashingly but...there is one rather large kink that I'm not sure what to do about. And I'd really like to tell you about it and get your thoughts and infallible wisdom. But not today. Because truthfully, I think you're all too distracted thinking about Candy the Crack Whore and the missing lug nut to give me your full attention.

But one day soon, we'll get down and dirty with this thing. So prepare yourselves. It's going to be epic.

(Please come back tomorrow. I promise tomorrow won't suck.)
 
And now for something that doesn't suck, here are some comment gems (emeralds, to be exact) from yesterday:

Jacqui: I love your pee cheer! Awesome! Speaking of being not-so-smart, top this: my niece asked me whose picture was on the ten dollar bill yesterday. And I didn't know the answer! I knew the one, five, twenty, etc. I knew the coins too. But not the ten. How is that even possible??

Don't feel bad Jacqui. I bet 90% of Americans don't know the answer to that question. Hey, why don't we find out for sure! Hurry, everyone go take my poll on the side bar. And no cheating! Remember, cheaters never prosper.

Ducky: I peed on the floor once but it was to prove a point. :)

Jim: son of a . . . I owe you a million dollars now?? But I already knew what a chevron was! hehe. . . you said "rectify" when talking about anal bleaching.


KimP: First of all, I got stuck in MAJOR traffic right after the exit with the gas station and eventually I had to make the decision to just pee. Go ahead Kim, pee in the car. Do you know my body fought me for like 30 seconds. It was so confusing.

Quote of the Day:
Whether or not you write well, write bravely.
~Bill Stout

Word of the Day:
ephebe: a young man



29 comments:

  1. hahahha...stream on consciousy. Nothing to be embarrassed about!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Gia. This is why I love you. Muah!

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  2. I've been checking all day for your new post. Wow. Words can't describe... Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a tough challenge. You wrote four awesome ones already. You can't hit a home run every time you're at bat. Some ideas for tomorrow: flowers, fornication, Ft Worth tornadoes, flies, fire, finesse, Florida, flounders, funions, freckles, famous fascists, fiords.

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    Replies
    1. Worth the wait, eh? And don't feel bad. I, too, am at a loss for words when I ENCOUNTER something so awesome. Pop quiz: please use a sentence containing the following words: fornication, flies, freckles and famous fascists. Ready, go!

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    2. Just saw your post. Here is my attempt:

      While sharing chocolate covered flies, I often wonder to myself, which famous fascists preferred females with freckles with whom to engage in their fornication?

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    3. I threw in an extra f-word, females. Do I get extra points?

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    4. Or would it be, "with whom they engaged in fornication?"

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  3. I love how you added my lack of knowledge about currency to your post...that's not too Embarrassing. I knew it today though. Mostly because I looked at a ten dollar bill yesterday. No wonder I didn't remember who was on it.

    I hope you'll get the answers you need about your book!

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    Replies
    1. No, not embarrassing at all! In truth, I had no idea either. I don't think I know who's on the twenty or the five. OOh, but I do know whose on the hundred. Perhaps because hundred dolla bills be rainin all over me. Ha!

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  4. I changed my monetary vote to that poet and laureate Flava Flav. Clearly F is for Flava - who else could write "Flava flav the flav of all of flavors. Onion and garlic french fried potatas." Thought provoking.

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    Replies
    1. Thought provoking, indeed. And also? Delicious. I could really go for some onion and garlic french fried potatas.

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  5. You know what's funny? In your blog roll there are other people doing the challenge too...so their E posts are right there :P

    What's that? That's not funny? Oh. Well, I blame it on my illness...I happened to enjoy this post.

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    Replies
    1. And I happen to love you for enjoying it. Feel better, dammit!

      Delete
  6. Excruciating. That's an E word, which your post was not! Enlightening? No not that either.... I wish tease started with an E, because you are so teasing us with your book problem! ;P
    I'll be baaaak.

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    Replies
    1. Not enlightening? I beg to differ! Oh wait, no I don't.

      Delete
  7. I...what? Just happened?

    Butter? Bacon?

    Ok, for real though, every single time I see bacon, I think of you. For what it's worth.

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    Replies
    1. Gurl, when I figure out what happened here, I'll let you know. However, it's probably best if we never know.

      And thinking of me when you see bacon is worth Everything.

      Delete
  8. Excellent. There's an E. And I love that Candy made her way in there. I also love that I'm not the only one scared of mobile coasters. I once saw a chicken running around beneath my feet and then my head as I rode a carny ride. My hubs also got in an altercation with a carny. Are ppl that work at fairs considered fairies? Oh yeah, anal blEaching. Go edit your book. :)

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    Replies
    1. Haha fairies, yesh. Candy's always worming her way in, isn't she?

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  9. You are brilliant and funny no matter what you write.

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    Replies
    1. This comment? Is exactly why I love you. That, and you have shiny, pretty hair.

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  10. I think you are far cleverer than you let on! I also think Amy is a suck-up!

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  11. Actually, as soon as I saw how pretty and shiny your hair was, all the rest was forgiven. Excuse me while I scroll back up and stare at your pretty shiny hair. ::staring::

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  12. I love how you threw in all those "e" words to trick me into thinking you made a legitimate e post.... which I still laughed at.. so I'm guessing it counts. This is why I love reading your shit.. cuz even when it's shit, it's still funny.

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  13. Enter the Extraordinary, Excellent, Ever-Entertaining Sarcasm Goddess!

    What? I just like alliteration.

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  14. Your hair looks great! Love how the yellow seems to jump off of it.

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  15. Why have you got four hands coming out of your hair?

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  16. Get all the best spirits and wines on Duty Free Depot!

    All the popular brand name beverages for unbelievable low price tags.

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.