I know I said that you'll become more awesome by reading my blog. Which is true. But chances are you'll become a whole a lot dumber too. I would apologize for that but I have bigger things to figure out. Like why isn't there peace in the Middle East? I mean, I have a vague idea of why, but I don't really know why. I know I could learn why by watching the news or reading a newspaper.
But I try never to do that. Because the news is so damn depressing. And a person who battles depression should not surround themselves with depressing things. (That's not to say I don't care about these things; I just can't deal with them.)
Turns out, this is Chevron:
I don't know, Larry. I don't know.
Raise your hand if you just learned something new about chevron.
Okay. Enough about things I don't know. Here's something I do know. I was a cheerleader. In high school. Some days, I miss it. A lot. But not cheering camp. I don't miss that. That was hell.
But sometimes it was fun. Fun in that way that things that are hell sometimes are.
It wasn't so much the constant cheering and clapping and jumping and smiling that made it hell on earth. It was that you couldn't do anything without first cheering about it.
I'm not even remotely joking about this. Before you could sit down, stand up, spread out, form a circle, take a breath, eat a tick tack or do any single thing under the sun, you had to cheer about it.
"Peanut butter, jelly spreeeeaaad out!"
"Have a seat, take a load of your feet!"
Is it any wonder after 12 hours of this, four days straight, I finally said, "Screw it. I have to pee and I'm not cheering about it." and sat right down and peed on the gym floor?
Okay, that's not exactly how it happened. I wish I was so daring. After cheering your silly little head off for hours and hours and hours you reach a certain stage of delirium, where every. single. thing. is funny. Even if it's not funny, it's funny.
We were doing the most basic stunt where I was sitting on my friend's shoulders. The camp leaders taught us some Very Complex and Scientific Way involving geometry and physics and just a touch of rocket science of dismounting this "stunt." It was absurd and ridiculous and also? Absurd. And I lost it. I started laughing like whoa. And then I needed to pee like WHOA. And all I wanted to do was get off my friend's shoulders so I could run to the bathroom.
But no. I had to dismount the proper and Very Complex and Scientific Way, which no one on the squad could seem to remember due to its utter
Are we supposed to do it like this?
How bout this?
No, I think it's over the shoulders and around the waist and under the knees.
That doesn't sound right. I think it's under the shoulders and over the waist.
That makes no sense.
That was the conversation going on around me. I was laughing so hard I couldn't even speak. And I had something very important to say: "If you don't let me down I'm going to pee on my friend's head."
Finally, I managed to wiggle down my friend's back and slide to the floor. But by this point I could no longer control my bladder. And I peed. Right there, in front of hundreds of cheerleaders.
Now you know something
embarrassing awesome about me. Tell me something embarrassing awesome about you.
Updated: The Writer, Rinser, Repeater pointed out that this post lacked the mention of anal bleaching, which was a terrible over-sight on my part. But isn't that what friends are for? To remind you when you've forgotten the all-important anal bleaching. To help rectify this, The WRR created her own cheer "Hey hey, Ho Ho I'm going to bleach my a-hole! Rah."
I especially love the "Rah" at the end. It adds a nice touch, dontcha think?
P.S. In case anyone is wondering. I did not leave a puddle on the gym floor. In fact, no one even knew about my lil' accident. True story.
P.P.S. Thank you all for continuing your awesome sausage comments. I know it's a lot to ask you guys to come here Every. Single. Day. but it's really nice to know I'm not hanging out here alone.
Here are some gems from yesterday:
Laughing abi: BTW, let me know if you need volunteers for the bleach experiment. I've never been 100% satisfied with my current shade.
Funny In My Mind: Crapulous. How I feel too many concurrent times to count but continue to crack the confounded bottle of liquid crack (vodka)
Delilah Love: Cannot. Stop. Laughing. Seriously, you should charge for this blog. I would totally pay to come here every day and laugh myself silly. Oh course, I have no money but I can pay you in sarcastic comments...or children. I seem to have an abundance of both.
Great idea Delilah. I'm now charging each of you one million dollars a day (or six hard working, house-cleaning, dinner-cooking children) to read this blog.
P.P.P.S. I'm linking up with the fabulous Just Jennifer and Motherhood: Truth for their Did You Know linky. Do you have something people should know? Then link up with them and tell the world!
P.S. x a billion: I'm also linking up with the amazing Robot Mommy for her Naked Robot Tuesdays. Come get naked with us...or something.
Quote of the Day:
The important thing in writing is the capacity to astonish. Not shock - shock is a worn-out word - but astonish.
Word of the Day:
deliquesce: to melt away or become liquid.