Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Didja Know?

Did you guys know I don't know stuff? Like a lot a stuff. About everything. I'm pretty sure I'm getting dumber by the day. I would give you examples, but it's hard to know what you don't know.

Ya know?

I know I said that you'll become more awesome by reading my blog. Which is true. But chances are you'll become a whole a lot dumber too. I would apologize for that but I have bigger things to figure out. Like why isn't there peace in the Middle East? I mean, I have a vague idea of why, but I don't really know why. I know I could learn why by watching the news or reading a newspaper.

But I try never to do that. Because the news is so damn depressing. And a person who battles depression should not surround themselves with depressing things. (That's not to say I don't care about these things; I just can't deal with them.)

You know what else I didn't know about (but I do now)? Chevron. I was reading some chick's blog and she was going nutso about some Chevron shirt or fabric or something. And I was all, "the gas station?"

Turns out, this is Chevron:
But so is this:
I don't know, Larry. I don't know.

Raise your hand if you just learned something new about chevron.

Okay. Enough about things I don't know. Here's something I do know. I was a cheerleader. In high school. Some days, I miss it. A lot. But not cheering camp. I don't miss that. That was hell.

But sometimes it was fun. Fun in that way that things that are hell sometimes are.
It wasn't so much the constant cheering and clapping and jumping and smiling that made it hell on earth. It was that you couldn't do anything without first cheering about it.




I'm not even remotely joking about this. Before you could sit down, stand up, spread out, form a circle, take a breath, eat a tick tack or do any single thing under the sun, you had to cheer about it.

"Peanut butter, jelly spreeeeaaad out!"

"Have a seat, take a load of your feet!"

Is it any wonder after 12 hours of this, four days straight, I finally said, "Screw it. I have to pee and I'm not cheering about it." and sat right down and peed on the gym floor?

Okay, that's not exactly how it happened. I wish I was so daring. After cheering your silly little head off for hours and hours and hours you reach a certain stage of delirium, where every. single. thing. is funny. Even if it's not funny, it's funny.

We were doing the most basic stunt where I was sitting on my friend's shoulders. The camp leaders taught us some Very Complex and Scientific Way involving geometry and physics and just a touch of rocket science of dismounting this "stunt." It was absurd and ridiculous and also? Absurd. And I lost it. I started laughing like whoa. And then I needed to pee like WHOA. And all I wanted to do was get off my friend's shoulders so I could run to the bathroom.

But no. I had to dismount the proper and Very Complex and Scientific Way, which no one on the squad could seem to remember due to its utter stupidity complexity.

Are we supposed to do it like this?

How bout this?

No, I think it's over the shoulders and around the waist and under the knees.

That doesn't sound right. I think it's under the shoulders and over the waist.

That makes no sense.

That was the conversation going on around me. I was laughing so hard I couldn't even speak. And I had something very important to say: "If you don't let me down I'm going to pee on my friend's head."

Finally, I managed to wiggle down my friend's back and slide to the floor. But by this point I could no longer control my bladder. And I peed. Right there, in front of hundreds of cheerleaders.


Now you know something embarrassing awesome about me. Tell me something embarrassing awesome about you.

Updated: The Writer, Rinser, Repeater pointed out that this post lacked the mention of anal bleaching, which was a terrible over-sight on my part. But isn't that what friends are for? To remind you when you've forgotten the all-important anal bleaching. To help rectify this, The WRR created her own cheer "Hey hey, Ho Ho I'm going to bleach my a-hole! Rah."

I especially love the "Rah" at the end. It adds a nice touch, dontcha think?

P.S. In case anyone is wondering. I did not leave a puddle on the gym floor. In fact, no one even knew about my lil' accident. True story.

P.P.S. Thank you all for continuing your awesome sausage comments. I know it's a lot to ask you guys to come here Every. Single. Day. but it's really nice to know I'm not hanging out here alone.

Here are some gems from yesterday:

Laughing abi: BTW, let me know if you need volunteers for the bleach experiment. I've never been 100% satisfied with my current shade.

Funny In My Mind: Crapulous. How I feel too many concurrent times to count but continue to crack the confounded bottle of liquid crack (vodka)

Delilah Love: Cannot. Stop. Laughing. Seriously, you should charge for this blog. I would totally pay to come here every day and laugh myself silly. Oh course, I have no money but I can pay you in sarcastic comments...or children. I seem to have an abundance of both.

Great idea Delilah. I'm now charging each of you one million dollars a day (or six hard working, house-cleaning, dinner-cooking children) to read this blog.

P.P.P.S. I'm linking up with the fabulous Just Jennifer and Motherhood: Truth for their Did You Know linky. Do you have something people should know? Then link up with them and tell the world!

P.S. x a billion: I'm also linking up with the amazing Robot Mommy for her Naked Robot Tuesdays. Come get naked with us...or something. 

Quote of the Day:
The important thing in writing is the capacity to astonish. Not shock - shock is a worn-out word - but astonish.
~Terry Southern

Word of the Day:
deliquesce: to melt away or become liquid.





48 comments:

  1. OMG I'm the first again! I'm not stalking you, I swear. Well, maybe a little.

    Can I just say I am loving your illustrations. And you are quite button-happy, my dear. Thanks for linking with us...but I'm kinda unclear on what the Did You Know? part of this post was...? Did we know about chevrons? Or did we know you were a cheerleader? Or that you peed yourself? See why I'm confused?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rah rah rah, buttons! Yes to it all! Did you know I didn't know stuff? Did you know about chevron? Did you know I was a cheerleader who peed her pants at camp? This post was full of knowledge.

      Delete
  2. My hand is still raised from learning about Chevron, so its hard to type. And why didnt you tell me earlier you had an embarrassing pee story? I piss in pools. You piss in gyms. Maybe I missed it, but did anal bleaching play a role in this one? Here's a cheer..."hey hey, Ho Ho I'm going to bleach my a-hole! Rah."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh gurl. That is just the beginning of my public peeing. I've peed so many places it borders on, um, gross? And you are totally right about the anal bleaching. That has been rectified...I updated the post to include your nice little cheer. Rah!

      Delete
    2. Aw, girl. You'se the best! However, the post was already spectacular without the anal cheer, but I am glad it was "rectal-fied".

      Delete
  3. hahahhahhaah. That is a great story. How did no one notice?!!??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I honestly don't know. Thankfully we didn't have all eyes on us. Everyone was busy doing their own stupid shoulder stunts. But I did pee in front of the entire squad. I got up and ran to the bathroom. I was too mortified to look down to see if my shorts were wet. We wore soffee shorts and biker shorts underneath. Apparently the biker shorts absorbed all the pee. Good to know, right?

      Delete
  4. You know, Chevron reminded me of Tigers which will now forever remind me of a-hole bleaching. Thank you. Go Get EM Tigers! T-I-G-E-R-S! Rah! Okay that sucked. Whatever. I was never a cheerleader. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was an excellent cheer! Keep it up, you can do it, come on girl, put your back into it! Or...something.

      Delete
  5. "Chevron" is also an extremely dull, but seminal, Supreme Court case on the subject of administrative law.

    THE MORE YOU KNOW.

    I can totally believe that you could pee in the Spankies without making a puddle. Those things were like wearing diapers!

    --a former HOCKEY cheerleader. no, we didn't have to wear skates.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Replies
    1. Bless you! Or is that only for sneezing?

      Delete
    2. Oh! Speaking of snorting, I was at the movies the other day and there was a really funny scene and the whole theater was laughing and I snorted and everyone kept laughing and later the husband said they were laughing at me. And um, the end.

      Delete
  7. son of a . . . I owe you a million dollars now?? But I already knew what a chevron was!

    hehe. . . you said "rectify" when talking about anal bleaching.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Jim. One million dollars. I hee hee'd about the "rectifying" too.

      Delete
  8. I totally thought the gas station, too, so I'm raising my hand. (Not to pee, I did that before I left home.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. *raising hand* here I am.
    back for another day of laughs.
    sorry...I'm really trying but my kid is sick and kept me up all night so I am not completely on the ball today.
    *once more with feeling*
    Go Me!
    I mean You - You Go!

    Oh wait...I guess you already did :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Oh yes, I did go. Hope your kiddo feels better.

      Delete
  10. Now I'm confused. You weren't wearing you feather mask when you were crying watching the news. When was that? What happened to your mask. You almost revealed you true identity. I noticed you didn't wear the mask as a cheerleader. When did you find the feather mask? Can that be tomorrow's topic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So many questions! My mask was uh...stolen...by all the bad people...who do...uh bad things...on the news. And uh...look! A plane!

      Delete
  11. I love your pee cheer! Awesome! Speaking of being not-so-smart, top this: my niece asked me whose picture was on the ten dollar bill yesterday. And I didn't know the answer! I knew the one, five, twenty, etc. I knew the coins too. But not the ten. How is that even possible??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uh, Paul Revere? Bill Crosby? Flava Flav? I do not know the answer to this, not because I am an idiot, but because I never have cash. I don't even know the last time I saw a ten dollar bill.

      That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

      Delete
  12. Yay for being a linky!! What a trooper! And i promise to not mention anything about the accident.

    You're #1. I want to build a fountain for you. What a relief that you chose to join and share.

    Oops, a puddle.

    ReplyDelete
  13. lol @ cheering about having to go pee.... I think I'd get stabby if I had to cheer about everything I did... I guess that's why I didn't last long as a cheerleader and never went to cheer camp. I do learn things from reading your blog every day... it should be considered an educational blog... it needs its own wikipedia page.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! So glad I'm not too dumb to teach others about all my awesome knowledge.

      Delete
  14. So glad I never wanted to be or even tried to be a cheerleader. Sounds like torture to me. Thanks for the chuckles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually have a lot of fantastic memories from cheering, but some days it was torture.

      Delete
  15. First of all, I got stuck in MAJOR traffic right after the exit with the gas station and eventually I had to make the decision to just pee. Go ahead Kim, pee in the car. Do you know my body fought me for like 30 seconds. It was so confusing.


    Secondly, I can't take the link-ups! There are 6 places to link up every day. Can't I just blog?

    ~The G is silent

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love that Satan is wearing a chevron and you have half a chevron.... Not sure if it's thd chev or the ron but go on with your badass rebel floor pissing self!

    I peed on the floor once but it was to prove a point. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so happy you noticed that! Please do tell your pee story.

      Delete
  17. I was in the band. Safer that way. Plus I'm so uncoordinated the cheerleaders never would've let me in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry, you don't have to be coordinated, just possess the ability to pee on command.

      Delete
  18. I'm raising my hand about chevron LOL! This is awesome ;0)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! I'm not the only one. Chevron really shouldn't be so confusing.

      Delete
  19. I used to feel sad that we don't have cheerleaders in our English schools but now, not so much :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry. Not all of them piss themselves.

      Delete
  20. Ahhh, cheerleading.
    Yes, it was horrible and cool at the same time.
    I learned how to shave my legs and the dishonorable things that the older cheerleaders did with the football players under the bleachers at halftime.
    I do love me some chevron.
    I have peed on the side of the road more than once after a night of drinking. A few times I peed in my shoe and a few times I didn't get my pants down fast enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Peeing your shoe! Wait a fantastic idea if there isn't a toilet in site.

      Delete
  21. Huh, you learn something new every day. I thought chevron meant either the gas station or the little Stargate thingy that dialed them through the gate! (I know, nerdy)

    Visiting from A to Z!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. For the love I don't get why people are so obsessed with the chevron pattern.

    Hilarious blog. Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I had no clue about Chevron! It sounds like a perfume to me. Didn't know you had to cheer a lot of stupid things either. So ridiculous! But I love your drawings :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. You were a cheerleader? I did not see that coming.

    ReplyDelete

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