Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Conversations With The Husband.

I'm not exactly sure why the husband is dressed as Peter Pan. I suspect it's because one year I dressed as Tinkerbell for Halloween and wanted the husband to be Peter Pan. He refused. With every beat of my heart, I still hope my dream will come true one day.
In case anyone is wondering, what the husband wanted to show me was not his wiener.
Some bloggers are approaching the A to Z Challenge with a theme: Movie Titles, Places They've Traveled, etc. While I think this a fabulous idea, there was no way in H E Double Hockey Sticks I was going to give that a go. I'm having a hard enough time coming up with posts that correspond to a certain letter. Imagine if they all had to be themed too.

Wait. Don't imagine that. It'll make your head explode.

However, I never could have dreamed a theme would emerge organically. The theme of this A to Z Challenge is, of course, Anal Bleaching. I'm sure that's exactly what the creator of the challenge had in mind when he started it.

Here it is day "C" and we're still talking about it. And with good reason. There's so much we still don't know about it.

Take for example the conversation between The Writer, Rinser, Repeater (WRR) and Elise Fallson in yesterday's comments. The WRR wondered if anal bleaching offered the option of hi-lights, to which Elise pointed out there must be hair there if hi-lighting is involved (which brings up a whole 'nother topic: how hairy is your buttcrack?). WRR clarified that tattoo was perhaps a better word, maybe like honey brown with baby blonde stripes. Which made me think of a tiger. Which then made me wonder if the skin of a tiger's anus was striped (which is quite honestly something I never thought I'd wonder about) and I thought about Googling it to find out but then thought no. Just...no.

Justin suggested that, in keeping with the theme, today's word should be Clorox. Which isn't a bad idea, but I have visions of some of you attempting a DIY project and pouring straight bleach down your crack. And I can't say with absolute certainty, but I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that that is a Very Terrible Idea.

I did already have a topic picked out for today: Conversations with the husband (exhibit A, above; and exhibit B below) but I can't ignore Brett Minor's challenge of using cannibalism, C-section, copulate and calculator in one sentence.

Here we go:
I would need a calculator to determine the number of cannibals who copulate, extract their baby via c-section, and consume it; it's the most heinous form of cannibalism.

The Writer, Rinser, Repeater struck again with her suggestion that I delve into the subject of Candy the Crack Whore from Chicago and her Camel Toe.

I don't know, Charlie. I don't know.
RoryBore suggested I share some of my favorite comments, which is perhaps the best idea of all. But the most impossiblest. Because ALL the comments are fantastic! For seriousness. Your comments are better than any post I could ever write and time and time again leave me tempted not to write anything at all and just let you comment. But that logic seems flawed somehow...

And so I give you, today's "C" topic: Conversation with the husband.

The husband: I got our trashcan.  It was across the street.

Me: Yeah, I saw it.  I walked by it about four times today when I walked the dogs. 

The husband: Why doesn't it surprise me you just left it there?

Me: I watched from the window while the woman with the little dog pulled our trashcan out of the street on her way to check her mail.  The wind blew it back in the street and I watched her tuck it behind the bush on her way back.





In case you can't tell, the husband is face-palming it. Or maybe he's ripping his face off. Either way, he's very pleased.
Also, is it just me, or does the husband's hand seem abnormally large? He should probably have that checked out.

People sometimes ask me what it is that makes our marriage so awesome. I'm pretty sure it's conversations like this.

Psst. My blog now has a facebook page. Go ahead and like it. Ya know ya wanna.
Quote of the Day:
Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.
~Moliere

Word of the Day:
crapulous: sick from too much drinking





90 comments:

  1. Ooh, I'm making the first comment!

    That's it. Just that.

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohhhhh no, Jen. You have to say more than that. Acceptable things to say are: you are awesome, you are funny, you are pretty, you have shiny hair, I love you. Any of those will do. Try again.

      Delete
  2. Thanks for the shout out! I'm honored. (^_^)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Maybe today could have been about Creams recommended for Anal Bleaching? Not something I would think you should try at home Kids.

    I found an Anal Bleaching expert to try and help solve the mystery!
    http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/hack/stories/s3049604.htm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorta scared to click on this. I'm not going to see anuses am I?

      Delete
  4. First things first - I immediately saw Peter Pan, before I read the caption. Yes, your husband has an abnormally large hand but on the plus side he'd be a great hand model for cartoon animal gloves.

    That post should have been more confusing but the anal bleaching pulled it all together. Now I'm leaving - I need to go google 'tiger anus'.

    Thanks for the laughs ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that you NEED to google tiger anus. Let us know what you find.

      Delete
  5. Love the Moliere quotation! And yes, your husband could definitely do with seeing a hand doctor. Maybe it's just abnormally muscular from moving the trash can so much?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ha! Nice to start off the day with a laugh. I have a little crush on Peter Pan myself. . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's quite dashing, isn't he. I should have made the husband's pants tighter. Peter is a tights man.

      Delete
  7. I've never laughed so hard before 7am - thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome! And please, don't ever get up before 7 a.m. again. That is just painful.

      Delete
  8. Your husband and my husband should talk. I loved a lot about the piece, but the conversation with your husband at the end was the highlight for sure. I do believe that IS why you have such a great relationship---I mean really, one of you is the observer, one is the doer---you are the yin and yang of marriage. And for the record, he totally just face-palming. Ripping his face off has to be reserved for bigger deals. I hope. Erin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, they should talk. It'll be like therapy. And you're right about the face palming. He reserves face ripping for things like stepping on my heels in the middle of the night.

      Delete
  9. Hahah cute. I like how you draw yourself with the mask hehe ...

    oh and my page likes your page on facebook (or added it to its favorites. whatever. same thing)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for liking me. I like you too. I liked you before, but now that we like each other on facebook it makes it official.

      Delete
  10. Hahah. You are quite the artist!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why thank you! I am actually quite terrible. It took me, like, 47 hours to draw those.

      Delete
  11. Hahaha that is fab. I never thought that whilst surfing blogs during my lunch break I would come across anal-bleaching and cannibals in one post! Thanks for making a shitty work day better :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought I'd be blogging about anal-bleaching and cannibals in one post. Blogging takes you to some strange, but fabulous, places. Hope you day gets less shitty.

      Delete
  12. Another giggle with my morning coffee. Thanks, SC.

    I'm so surprised that no one WENT THERE about the size of your sweet hubby's hand? Oh, wait. Did I just go there?

    Tomorrow is D! How fun. You can throw in a derriere and some really dank diligence about de-coloring it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Baha! De-coloring your derriere. Love it! And oh yes, you did go there. ;)

      Delete
  13. I think you might be my new fav blogger. For reals.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you just may be my new favorite commenter.

      Delete
  14. Sometimes a facepalm is all you can do. I think I'm going to use the phrase "A is for Anal Bleaching" in a conversation today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh please do! Can you use at the bank or the library or somewhere really inappropriate?

      Delete
  15. Lady With Small DogApril 3, 2012 at 10:32 AM

    Hey, trashcans are just my thing. Watch out for your lawn trimming bags, too. :}

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha! Lawn trimming. Like I would actually do that. You so funny.

      Delete
  16. BTW, let me know if you need volunteers for the bleach experiment. I've never been 100% satisfied with my current shade.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude! Yes! We've been waiting for a volunteer. But, please, don't do it yourself. Go to a professional. Let us know how it turns out. Oh, and we have several questions: like do they offer different colors or only white? And what about hi-lighting? Can we get stripes?

      Delete
  17. I don't get it. But I love it :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. "honey come here I want to show you something"
    "um, I saw it yesterday"
    "what?? Oh, not THAT!"

    Conversation that happens daily at the villa.

    Crapulous. How I feel too many concurrent times to count but continue to crack the confounded bottle of liquid crack (vodka)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Have I told you lately that I love you? The pictures, the story line, the shout out? Incredible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the great comments! The convo yesterday made my whole life.

      Delete
  20. Oh my GAWD how dare you make me giggle like this in PUBLIC - those drawings are priceless! You had me at "Is it your weiner?" You genius! Loved-loved-loved this! PS: What do you use to draw graphics for posts?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww the wiener. Bringing people together. I use Paint. It took me about 13 hours to do this post. Time well spent, eh?

      Delete
  21. Cannot. Stop. Laughing. Seriously, you should charge for this blog. I would totally pay to come here every day and laugh myself silly. Oh course, I have no money but I can pay you in sarcastic comments...or children. I seem to have an abundance of both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, do these children cook, clean and fold my laundry? How bout dust? If so, I'll totally take them.

      Delete
  22. Very amusing blog. Love the drawings as well. You sound like a great couple. Good luck with the rest of the challenge ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why thank you! I'm going to need lots of luck. Any suggestions for D?

      Delete
  23. sounds like you guys are a match made in heaven... or Neverland.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Found you via the A-Z Challenge so even though I have seven shades of regret for signing up for it, at least I'm able to find great blogs like yours!

    Lead on, cause I'm followin'!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your seven shades or regret matches my seven shades of anxiety quite nicely. What the hell was I thinking? Don't follow me. I'm about to lead everyone over a cliff. I got nothing for D day. D is for donkey? D is for dynamite? D is for donut! Yesssss.

      Delete
  25. Okay - I don't even know where to begin. I am speechless. And Bleachless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a good thing. Stay away from the bleach!

      Delete
  26. Gosh and golly! Yet another awesome blogger involved in this um amazing challenge that brings further awareness of the alphabet.
    Anyway and almost seriously, have fun with the challenge and happy writing. Gary aka "The anti-A to Z Challenge spokesman", according to Lee, the wonderful creator of this gosh darn fun um 'challenge'.
    'C' you and have fun :)
    Oops, almost overlooked the fact that your blog has its own 'Farcebook' page. Ah yes, Farcebook, everyone's favourite social 'notworking' site where my 'friends' can keep up with my 'vital to their lives', profile updates such as, 'I went to the kitchen and had a cup of coffee!' Thrilling stuff eh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a beautiful thing, eh? Bringing awareness to a bunch of letters. I must admit, getting coffee is rather thrilling. Perhaps that's were I'm going to wrong. I should talk about it more on my FB page. So far I've only posted Hey Girl pics of Ryan Gosling and poems about penises. For some real fun, follow me on twitter where I talk about my itchy boob.

      Delete
  27. This is so, so funny. You watching your neighbor pull in the trash can TWICE is hysterical. And I like the large-handed man that is your husband.
    Thank you for the ginormous laugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought it was funny too! The husband, however, did not.

      Delete
  28. Continually cracking me up. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sounds like conversations I have with my husband... only the other way around. He'd be the one walking by 5 times and I would put it away.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh dear...

    was the trash can ever rescued?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Your post makes me laugh, the pictures make me laugh harder, and the captions under the picture just put it over the top! Thanks for the afternoon pick-me-up!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Is it just me or is that cutest little dog ever? Seriously. Oh, and your 'C' sentence was brilliant. Is it wrong that I would love to see that sentence used in a fifth grade spelling bee?

    Spelling Bee Judge Person: "Spell Cannibalism."

    Speller: "Can you use it in a sentence?"

    Spelling Bee Judge Person: "I would need a calculator to determine the number of cannibals who copulate, extract their baby via c-section, and consume it; it's the most heinous form of cannibalism."

    Ha!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hey! Thanks for linking me in that post. I'm sure all of your readers love to jump over and read about Autism!! LOL!! I tried to look into the tiger question, and forgot I was at work. Hopefully they don't check my search history! Oh and in case you are interested Google "Bleach Dynasty" perfect for the D-Day!

    ReplyDelete
  34. High-larious! I'm glad I stumbled across your blog and look forward to seeing what else you post for the challenge. So entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  35. My husband is obsessed with the idea of anal bleaching. Not like he does it or anything... He'd love me reading about it though. great post!

    ReplyDelete
  36. seriously....I'm gonna crack a rib here one day.
    but all kinds of "aw shucks" for the mention.

    I really enjoyed your convo with the hubby. I had an overwhelming urge to take a peek out the window to see if hubby had grabbed the recycle bins before he left for work. they are still by the curb.
    who do you think is going to lose the "master of his own trash" game?

    Ah, Dilemna.....sounds like a pretty good "D" word to me.
    and certainly it must abound in cases of anal bleaching :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. i have now totally googled whether tigers have anal stripes. the results were inconclusive at best. thank you, thank you, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  38. That conversation could have absolutely been between Hot Joe and I. It's eerie.

    ~The G is Silent

    ReplyDelete
  39. I was so afraid where this blog was going when it wasn't your husband's wiener he wanted you to see, and then you started talking about anal bleaching.

    ReplyDelete
  40. so so glad other people have conversations like this with their husbands...ps. I'm not a doctor, but it does appear that his hand may need to be checked out :) I've already "liked" your fb page. old news :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Great post, great pictures, great captions. I'm happy that I found your blog! His hand definitely looks like it needs some medical attention. :P

    ReplyDelete
  42. Thank goodness you didn't bring up wiener bleaching.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Whoa Nelly. There have been some ch ch ch changes here! I like the banner. Or was it always like that and I am smoking crack?

    Also holy comment-bomb! Look at all these comments. Someone is a popular attention whore, Heather!

    And finally, I laughed so hard that you watched her move the trashcan. Of course you did. This isn't a movie - where you just run outside and chase your trashcan. I would have stood there and watched too. It's like television but better.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I hope you realize I don't really think you are an attention whore, or a whore, a whore of any kind really - it's just what someone was saying on twitter.

    ReplyDelete
  45. This is the first time I've visited your blog and you had me laughing out loud. I will be back for sure. I love your drawings too. By the way, my friend says a man's thumb size corresponds to something, so maybe it's a good thing your husband's hand is so big :)

    ReplyDelete
  46. So um for the letter D, is it going to be er, dick?

    I'm itching to Google tiger anus but I know I'm going to regret it.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Wish I had started this challenge on my blog.....instead I decided to get intense about education and healthy eating.. You are having more fun. But, I will enjoy reading your blog every day. Already look forward to "D"

    ReplyDelete
  48. Now that you mention it...his hand does look rather large. Especially compared to his other hand.

    As for the quote: I think you'll always write because you love writing. Whether you ever make money doing it or not. It's nice to be able to earn money doing what you love though...and I hope you'll be one of those lucky enough to be in that category. :)

    ReplyDelete
  49. I was laughing all the way down the blog post. asking out loud if you are completely nuts. I think I woke up one of my kids from laughing so loud. I'm sitting her wondering: What the *** did I just read??!
    Thanks for the laugh, you are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  50. You know what they say about a man with big hands....big trash cans.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Can you get out of our bedroom. The conversation seems stolen.

    hilarious, Goddess

    ReplyDelete
  52. It's funny. Some days I leave my trash cans out there to blow around all day and all night. Other days, I go out and bring in all of mine, all of my next-door neighbor's, and even some of the other neighbor's.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I don't know...that hand looks perfectly normal to me.... *looks around awkwardly*

    ReplyDelete
  54. True story - we actually made a home anal bleaching kit for a coworker for her birthday. She was shocked, I'm assuming by our generosity. I'm ASSuming it came out OK because she was never absent for a long period of time or seen standing at her desk all day. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

    ReplyDelete
  55. As soon as you mention Anal bleaching I'm suddenly think of that old show Dr. 902190. I think it was that porn star Tabatha Stevens who raved about it. Of course she did.

    ReplyDelete
  56. You made my sentence. And it made sense. YAY!!
    I love you and you have shiny hair.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I was thinking leprechaun but Peter Pan is much less creepy. And if I were drawing, I a lot more than his hand would be the wrong size. Maybe he's doing that thing people told you as a kid "do you know if your hand is bigger than your face you have CANCER?" and then when you put your hand there, they smash it into your head. Maybe that's what he's doing? Or sniffing it? Love your cartoons. And I love that you watched the neighbor move your trash can. Twice. Found you at finding the funny.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I am CRYING laughing. It's all genius. You're hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I LOVE conversations with husbands! They crack me up. Your Peter Pan man is awfully cute, even if he has a really gigantic hand. I am off to like your FB page!

    (Thanks for linking this up to #findingthefunny last week!)

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.