Monday, March 19, 2012

Ranting: It Does a Body Good.

Sometimes I wish my blog was anonymous.  That way when I got all irritated like whoa about something, I could spew fire and vitriol like a total psycho without anyone having any idea who the crazy angry lady behind the blog is. Maybe it’s the whole being Italian thing, but sometimes there is nothing better than talking loudly and gesturing wildly about things that piss me right off.  Venting and ranting -- they do a body good.

I have had two recent experiences of which to rant about, but I will only tackle one today because when I start ranting I don’t stop; and if I tackle both incidents of douchey-ness this post will never end.

As I mentioned in a previous post and have whined about on the twatter, I have been in a bit whole freaking lot of pain lately.  That pain? Is due to a raging mega-huge UTI. For those of you freaked out or offended by the talk of UTIs you’re gonna wanna stop reading now.  It’s going to get a whole lot worse.

I have had my share of UTIs.  They are painful, annoying, uncomfortable, and absolutely no fun.  But never has the pain felt like someone was trying to shove an oak tree up my urethra and then set it on fire.

My doctor prescribed me an antibiotic and said he’d call me once they got the culture back to let me know if he prescribed the right thing.  Well, doesn’t that just fill a girl with loads of confidence that her raging-mega huge infection is going to go bye-bye?  He did prescribe me some kick-ass pain pills so at least I could ride out the pain in drug-induced fog.

I finished my antibiotic yesterday and got a call from the doc’s office today.  “So, how you feeling?” he asked.

“Not good, dude.  Not good. I’m pretty sure I’m dribbling on myself between full-fledged pees.”

“Yeeaaah,” he says.  “You need stronger stuff.  We’re calling in a new scrip.”

“Well that’s fantastic.”

Fast forward to drug pick-up time.  I am allergic to one type of drug.  I was given it when I was little and I could no longer walk.  The doc cut back the dosage but my legs still swelled up and I rolled around like a fat blob.

Now, my doctor knows I am allergic to this, but since he just called in the scrip and didn’t actually see me I was wondering if he remembered my allergy.  Especially since he wasn’t entirely sure if he prescribed me the right thing the first time (which I’m not saying is entirely his fault; I understand that medicine is sometimes a wait-and-see kinda thing).  So, when I got to the pharmacy I told the pharmacist ( I repeat, I talked to the PHARMACIST, not a tech) about my allergy and that I just wanted to make sure my antibiotics didn’t contain the evil drug.

Her (in valley-girl voice): You’re allergic to wha??

Me: Name of drug.

Her: Wha??

Me: Repeat name of drug. I have no idea if (name of drug) would even been in meds for a UTI but I am very allergic so I just want to make sure.

Her (look of irritation): Wha??

Me: Repeat name of drug and spell it for her.

Her (look of disdain and dismissiveness and possible eye-rolling): Oh, that’s just sulfur. No, it’s not in there.

Here, my friends, is where the ranting begins. 

Are you f*cking kidding me? You’re going to make me feel like an idiot for asking questions that could mean life or death for me, or at the very least, render me paralyzed from the waist down?  And it may be just sulfur to you but just sulfur equals rat poison to me.  But thanks for your disdain.  I appreciate it.  Really, I do.

Oh, and guess what? I just researched the drug I'm allergic to and guess what it's used for? Treating infections such as URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS.  And nowhere did I find in any of the research that the drug was just sulfur or contains sulfur.  But what the hell do I - or science -know?  You're the one with the degree.  I mean, sure you had no clue what I was talking about and I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU - literally - but don't worry, I'm sure you're a terrific pharmacist.
And excuuuse me for being informed and asking questions and taking control of my health.  What a moron I am.  I should just blindly shovel pills into my mouth.  If they were prescribed and filled, it must be right.  Right?  Never mind that time after my hernia surgery when the pills I was prescribed after the surgery did, in fact, contain the drug I am allergic too, even though I had written the name of my allergy on about four thousand forms pre-surgery.  If my mother hadn’t checked the bottle I would be f*cking dead right now.

But meh.  It’s just death.  No big deal, right?  Maybe not to you, you pompous airhead, but I’d rather not have a UTI be the end of me.  It’s probably a little arrogant and delusional of me to think so, but when I go out, I’m going out in a blaze of glory.  Not by a f*cking infection in my urinary track.

*And breathe.*

Now comes the fun part. Or the shitty part.  It’s all about perspective, really.

I got home, pulled the prescription from the bag and on the cap of the bottle was a label with the following warning:
Diarrhea may occur weeks to months after taking drug.

There was an additional warning label down the side of the bottle:  
May cause diarrhea. If persists or becomes severe, notify DR or RPH.

So, in addition to pissing fire I will soon be shitting, well…shit.

My life is awesome.

When people talk about having a party in their pants, I don’t think they mean this.

You know what else?  It also said to avoid direct contact with the sun.  You know what I was about to do right before I popped a diarrhea pill?  Lay out in the sun.  So not only do I have to have the shits, I have to be pale while doing it?!?!?!  This seems colossally unfair.

In related news, I have changed my name from The Sarcasm Goddess to Casper the Crapping Ghost.

Now I know what you’re thinking: big deal, all drugs have side effects. But ladies and gentlemen, this side effect is so, ahem, explosive it requires not one, but two label warnings in addition to the ten page factory warning.  This, my friend, is not your mother’s diarrhea. It’s big time, baby.

I immediately called the husband cuz I knew he'd be just as excited by the prospect of months of explosive diarrhea as I was.

Me: Guess what?

The husband: Good news or bad?

Well, I guess that depends on how you feel about diarrhea, I thought.

So I told him all about the warning and how it's very possible he was going to live with a woman who had a severe case of the runs for several months.

The husband: Wow. That's awesome. Congratulations.  I have to go back to work.

Me: 'Kay. Just wanted to keep you apprised of the diarrhea situation of the household.

I know what you guys are thinking: The husband is such a lucky man.

I totally agree.  Every man should have a wife as sexy as I am.

For those of you who know me in real life: if I’m hanging out with you and a sudden horrified expression comes across my face and I bolt from the room clutching my derriere, don’t worry.  It’s just diarrhea.

Wow.  It is going to be such a fun ten days (and possibly months)! 

If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.

P.S. The diarrhea has not made land fall and the forecast looks clear.

P.P.S. I have officially said diarrhea in a post more times than I ever cared to.

UPDATED: Thank you all for your concern.  I am feeling completely fine and I wonder if I dreamt the whole thing.  It's only the horse pills that I take every 12 hours that tell me I didn't.  Well, I'm supposed to take them every twelve hours...turns out I'm terrible at remembering to do so.  I foresee this being a problem...

Word of the Day
1.Slang . something that is extraordinarily pleasing or successful, especially a very funny joke.
2.a person or thing that gasses.


  1. I could have written this, my lady! The drug interaction, the disdain for diarrhea. I hope you feel better!!!!!! I know I feel better after a good laugh. And this provided that!!

    PS I have constipation the last 2 days. I wish I had an anonymous blog. I would rant on my lack of crapping. And my mother in law.

    1. Maybe you could rant about a "friend" who couldn't crap and disliked her MIL? ;)

  2. I think what the warning meant was not that it would cause diarrhea while you were taking it. . . but weeks or possibly months later. It's probably time-released diarrhea that occurs like 3 weeks after you take your last dose.

    So you're done with your UTI and things are going smoothly (that almost rhymes because I pronounced UTI like it was a word, "youtie" (rhymes with cutie)) and you let your guard down and sneak out a little squeaker in the waiting room for something and. . . sploosh.

    Good post, Casper.

    1. Time-released diarrhea! That does not make me feel better, Jim!

  3. I like the call sign change - LOL

    boy, and I thought pregnancy was tough. thoroughly convinced UTIs are worse thing ever now. the pain, the pee dribble...and the craps? that's just entirely too much going on in one area of your body. and not in the fun way

    1. Thanks, I think Casper the Crapping Ghost has a nice ring to it.

  4. good on you for checking on your allergy... pharmacists aren't always the brightest bulbs.. my mum once took a prescription and ended up in a coma cuz they gave her the wrong one.

    Sucks about the diarrhea though.... hope you feel better soon!

    1. That is so scary!

      The diarrhea does suck but thankfully it's been MIA! Hopefully it stays that way!

  5. Hope you are feeling better!
    It could be worse - sometimes antibiotics give you diarrhea and it is from an infection nicknamed "C Diff" - and the current treatments include fecal transplant therapy.

    I've been on antibiotics for over a year because of an illness and will probably be on them the rest of my life. I know all about those warnings on the label! And talk about pale! :P Oh, well, royalty were called "bluebloods" because they never went into the sun - I could always pretend!

    1. Pretending you are royalty is an excellent idea! I'm going to start wearing sash and tiara and make people bow before me.

  6. 1. I have a top secret blog just for talking shit about family. It's fun.
    2. Next time call me. I have a book of every drug in the world. I know how to pronounce and spell them all. I could have called your pharmacist.
    3. Ever had a colonoscopy? Diarrhea ain't got nothin' on the prep.

    Feel better.
    ~The G is Silent

    1. 2. That's the crazy part! The drug I was asking her about was only six letters! And it's the easiest one to pronounce. But still...she had no idea what I was talking about.
      3. No. And I hope I never have to!

  7. I wish I had something funny to say to cheer you up. I can't even say 'this sucks', because, urgh.

    1. It does suck, but it's kinda funny too. Not the part about the pharmacist being an incompetent asshat, but when I read the labels about diarrhea it totally cracked me up. That is SO my life.

  8. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I've had UTIs and they suck. I can't believe the pharmacist would make you feel that way for checking the medication. That's insane. I hope you feel better soon and that you don't change your name. It's not quite as awesome as your current one.

    1. Hmmm...I'm so torn about the name thing. I guess since I haven't actually crapped yet I can't change it...

  9. I used to get UTIs all the time....and it turned out that I had kidney stones. It's so painful. I hope you feel better soon.

    And that pharmacist bitch can fuck off. :)

  10. This post is the shit.

    Just sayin'.

    Also, feel better!

  11. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I've spent more time at the pharmacy than I care to talk about, and it seems that no one can tick me off more than they can. I don't blame you for ranting.

  12. Did I read poop? you are closer to parenthood my dear.

  13. Ha! I am so sorry for your pain, but that made me laugh. I have dealt with lots of side effects never fun, but possibility of months of diarrhea? Woa, now that sucks! ps, I decided to be an anonymous blogger so I can be free to say what I want without the crazy glances in the supermarket line.

  14. Ah man, while I've never had a UTI, my daughter 11 months old for what the doc believes for upwards of a week before we realized it. Talk about feeling like a shitty mom!
    I hope you start feeling better soon, in all parts!

  15. I'm sorry. Last time I had a UTI, I had to go to the doc and I think we all remember how *that* turned out...

    Also, you got pain pills for your!?!? I'm jelly. Sorry.

  16. Wow. Rant away. And if you can make a UTI entertaining, there is no limit to your powers. Tried not to laugh at your pain, just didn't work.Erin

  17. Oh My Gah. I think I just peed myself. This was hysterical on so many levels. And eerily familiar. I've had chronic UTI's for 15 years and one of my worst drug allergies is...wait for it....Sulfa! Don't ask how I discovered this allergy, no really- you don't want to know. It was ugly. I'm so sorry you have the yucks Casper the Crapping Ghost. I hope the shit doesn't hit the fan...literally or figuratively!

  18. Please rant on! There's a special place in hell for medical types who make you feel shitty for asking important questions. Ad for drugs that make you feel just plain, well..., shitty.

  19. Sometimes ya just gotta rant!!! Hell, if it works... DO IT!!!

  20. And this is just one of the many reasons why I love ya!!

  21. Love this post girl! I swear you and I could be the same person. Truly!! I bet we could write one KICK ASS post together. Oh, and God Bless valley-girl-drank-my-way-through-college pharmacists!

  22. This "Casper the Crapping Ghost." made me laugh so hard. With you. Not at you. Absolutely love the rant. :) Hope all is well...

  23. Sometimes, I wish I had an anonymous blog too, solely for the purpose of ranting.
    Your ranting? Was HILARIOUS!! Thank you for the updates :)

  24. I wish I had anonymity too. I'd love to be able to rant about anything without repercussion.

    And, I have to tell you that one of the reasons I love you so much is that you can find a way to laugh about anything...including diarrhea!

  25. Oh my god I love your rant! I set out to rant about something very similar, but it didn't turn out to be quite as ranty as I thought it would. I think I'm still too bewildered.

  26. 1. Anonymous, yes, definitely. I've considered starting a second blog but I realized I wouldn't be able to publicize it without making it obvious it was me, so I scrapped it.
    2. Any diarrhea that could occur months after taking a medication is severe in my book.
    3. Loved this. The post, not your troubles.

  27. Long live rants!! They do the body good! Hopefully, things have solidified by now. (Eeeeew, eh? Too much? Sorry.)
    This was hilarious. My husband and your husband can commiserate together, as I've been known to share my bouts of diarrhea with Rob. He loves it! *eyeroll*

  28. Rant away, lady! I have yet to find a drug to which I'm badly allergic. I dread it. I am very glad you're feeling better. I haven't had UTIs, so I'll leave that joy to you.

  29. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING wrong with ensuring your husband is fully aware of your potential impending diarrhea situation. Secretly they love to know these things - I'm quite positive my husband loves it when I skype him at work to tell him how my period is going.. ;)
    Super funny post, even if ranty.

  30. I hope that rant brought you more relief than... well, than the other things you might have to do to get relief.

    Thanks for being able to laugh at your bodily woes so that we can, too - very funny! :)

  31. Wow! Soon you could actually BE your word of the day...just don't light any matches and go BOOM! :-)

  32. That was painful just to read about. Hope you are feeling better. And can sit in a chair again.

  33. I'm glad you took your allergy into your own hands. I've had to do that too or the pharmacists would have killed me on several occasions.
    Sounds like you've had some intense adventures! Hope your pee is all under control now.

  34. I sometimes wish my blog was anonymous too. I hope you are feeling better.

  35. I'm sure if anyone could make diarrhea sexy, it would be you.


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.