I have had two recent experiences of which to rant about, but I will only tackle one today because when I start ranting I don’t stop; and if I tackle both incidents of douchey-ness this post will never end.
As I mentioned in a previous post and have whined about on the twatter, I have been in a
I have had my share of UTIs. They are painful, annoying, uncomfortable, and absolutely no fun. But never has the pain felt like someone was trying to shove an oak tree up my urethra and then set it on fire.
My doctor prescribed me an antibiotic and said he’d call me once they got the culture back to let me know if he prescribed the right thing. Well, doesn’t that just fill a girl with loads of confidence that her raging-mega huge infection is going to go bye-bye? He did prescribe me some kick-ass pain pills so at least I could ride out the pain in drug-induced fog.
I finished my antibiotic yesterday and got a call from the doc’s office today. “So, how you feeling?” he asked.
“Not good, dude. Not good. I’m pretty sure I’m dribbling on myself between full-fledged pees.”
“Yeeaaah,” he says. “You need stronger stuff. We’re calling in a new scrip.”
“Well that’s fantastic.”
Fast forward to drug pick-up time. I am allergic to one type of drug. I was given it when I was little and I could no longer walk. The doc cut back the dosage but my legs still swelled up and I rolled around like a fat blob.
Now, my doctor knows I am allergic to this, but since he just called in the scrip and didn’t actually see me I was wondering if he remembered my allergy. Especially since he wasn’t entirely sure if he prescribed me the right thing the first time (which I’m not saying is entirely his fault; I understand that medicine is sometimes a wait-and-see kinda thing). So, when I got to the pharmacy I told the pharmacist ( I repeat, I talked to the PHARMACIST, not a tech) about my allergy and that I just wanted to make sure my antibiotics didn’t contain the evil drug.
Her (in valley-girl voice): You’re allergic to wha??
Me: Name of drug.
Me: Repeat name of drug. I have no idea if (name of drug) would even been in meds for a UTI but I am very allergic so I just want to make sure.
Her (look of irritation): Wha??
Me: Repeat name of drug and spell it for her.
Her (look of disdain and dismissiveness and possible eye-rolling): Oh, that’s just sulfur. No, it’s not in there.
Here, my friends, is where the ranting begins.
Are you f*cking kidding me? You’re going to make me feel like an idiot for asking questions that could mean life or death for me, or at the very least, render me paralyzed from the waist down? And it may be just sulfur to you but just sulfur equals rat poison to me. But thanks for your disdain. I appreciate it. Really, I do.
Oh, and guess what? I just researched the drug I'm allergic to and guess what it's used for? Treating infections such as URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS. And nowhere did I find in any of the research that the drug was just sulfur or contains sulfur. But what the hell do I - or science -know? You're the one with the degree. I mean, sure you had no clue what I was talking about and I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU - literally - but don't worry, I'm sure you're a terrific pharmacist.
And excuuuse me for being informed and asking questions and taking control of my health. What a moron I am. I should just blindly shovel pills into my mouth. If they were prescribed and filled, it must be right. Right? Never mind that time after my hernia surgery when the pills I was prescribed after the surgery did, in fact, contain the drug I am allergic too, even though I had written the name of my allergy on about four thousand forms pre-surgery. If my mother hadn’t checked the bottle I would be f*cking dead right now.
But meh. It’s just death. No big deal, right? Maybe not to you, you pompous airhead, but I’d rather not have a UTI be the end of me. It’s probably a little arrogant and delusional of me to think so, but when I go out, I’m going out in a blaze of glory. Not by a f*cking infection in my urinary track.
Now comes the fun part. Or the shitty part. It’s all about perspective, really.
I got home, pulled the prescription from the bag and on the cap of the bottle was a label with the following warning:
Diarrhea may occur weeks to months after taking drug.
There was an additional warning label down the side of the bottle:
May cause diarrhea. If persists or becomes severe, notify DR or RPH.
So, in addition to pissing fire I will soon be shitting, well…shit.
My life is awesome.
When people talk about having a party in their pants, I don’t think they mean this.
You know what else? It also said to avoid direct contact with the sun. You know what I was about to do right before I popped a diarrhea pill? Lay out in the sun. So not only do I have to have the shits, I have to be pale while doing it?!?!?! This seems colossally unfair.
In related news, I have changed my name from The Sarcasm Goddess to Casper the Crapping Ghost.
Now I know what you’re thinking: big deal, all drugs have side effects. But ladies and gentlemen, this side effect is so, ahem, explosive it requires not one, but two label warnings in addition to the ten page factory warning. This, my friend, is not your mother’s diarrhea. It’s big time, baby.
I immediately called the husband cuz I knew he'd be just as excited by the prospect of months of explosive diarrhea as I was.
Me: Guess what?
The husband: Good news or bad?
Well, I guess that depends on how you feel about diarrhea, I thought.
So I told him all about the warning and how it's very possible he was going to live with a woman who had a severe case of the runs for several months.
The husband: Wow. That's awesome. Congratulations. I have to go back to work.
Me: 'Kay. Just wanted to keep you apprised of the diarrhea situation of the household.
I know what you guys are thinking: The husband is such a lucky man.
I totally agree. Every man should have a wife as sexy as I am.
For those of you who know me in real life: if I’m hanging out with you and a sudden horrified expression comes across my face and I bolt from the room clutching my derriere, don’t worry. It’s just diarrhea.
Wow. It is going to be such a fun ten days (and possibly months)!
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.
P.S. The diarrhea has not made land fall and the forecast looks clear.
P.P.S. I have officially said diarrhea in a post more times than I ever cared to.
UPDATED: Thank you all for your concern. I am feeling completely fine and I wonder if I dreamt the whole thing. It's only the horse pills that I take every 12 hours that tell me I didn't. Well, I'm supposed to take them every twelve hours...turns out I'm terrible at remembering to do so. I foresee this being a problem...
Word of the Day