Friday, March 9, 2012

I Blame the Drugs

 If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood.  I'd type a little faster. 
 ~Isaac Asimov

Today's going to be a short one.  I'm blogging just to let you know I'm still alive (I'm sure you've all been sick with worry).  I've spent the last 48 hours on drugs.  Don't worry, they're the legal kind.  Although, I'm starting to suspect my doctor thinks I have a prescription drug problem.  This doesn't prevent him from prescribing me drugs (which makes me think he's a pill pusher) but does cause him to explain the "rules" over and over like I am a small child.

Him: This is a narcotic.  Do not drive.  Don't drink alcohol.  Drink lots of water.

Me: Got it.

Him: This is a narcotic.  Do NOT drive.  DO NOT drink alcohol.  Drink LOTS of water.

Me: Yep. Heard ya the first time.

Him: This is a narcotic...

Me: Just give me the damn pills!

Of course, he can't give me actual pills, only a prescription.  Personally, I think the whole "drive to a second location to get your drugs" is incredibly annoying and I would start a campaign to change the system but I'm in too much damn pain.

Apparently my doctor knows me too well, because as soon as I picked up my drugs, I ran to my car, twisted off the top and was about to pour six of them in my mouth when I was like wait a minute; I think the doctor said I wasn't supposed to drive.

So, like a good little drug addict, I waited until I got home to pop my pills and ten minutes later, I couldn't feel my limbs as I was crawling my way upstairs and into bed  because HOT DAMN these things are strong.

The husband knows me and pills usually don't mix well so he came home to check on me.  I lifted my head, said something like, "me...sleep" and then collapsed back on my pillow and drooled on myself.

It's almost time for me to slip back into LaLa Land, but before I go I wanted to share a story in which you will all be extremely proud I didn't cut a bitch.

While I was in the waiting room of the doctor's office, a woman started humming.  Can we all just agree that humming is the most annoying sound in the world?  I'm usually a "to each his own" kinda person, unless your own infringes upon my own in the most annoying way.  Since high-fiving her in the face with a chair is considered impolite, I turned to twitter.

As I'm tweeting about the raping of my eardrums, she gets up from her seat and starts molesting the fake plants.

Rub, rub, rub, rub, rubrubrubrubrubrubrub.  "It's fake," she declares to the entire waiting room.

What?! No! Rub it again!

She walks to the next plant and starts rubbing some more.  What is that condition where people have relations with inanimate objects?  This lady has it.  Which, whatever.  Hump fake foliage all you want.  Just do it on your own time, lady.

She continues on to the third plant. Rub, rub, rub, rub, rubrubrubrubrubrubrub.  "It's fake."

You know how some people smoke after sex? Well apparently this woman whistles after she gets off cuz that's what she started doing.

I felt like I was trapped in some sort of sick p0rno/horror movie hybrid.

Finally the nurse calls her husband's name (who was the one in need of medical treatment) and she bounds over to the nurse like a rabbit on crack leaving her poor husband to struggle to his feet for five minutes and shuffle across the room.  If only he had a trunk, branches and some tantalizing leaves to wave her face, maybe he would have gotten some attention from his arborphiliac wife.

Huh, this post turned out longer than I thought it would. I blame the drugs.  Good night.

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  1. How annoying it is when doctors are suspicious like that. A friend of mine was going to sing at a bluegrass festival and got a bad cough, and a silly dr seemed to think he was an addict because he wanted a strong cough syrup. The most decent person I know. What a laugh. Or something. He just wanted to be able to sing.

  2. A) dude, what do you have?
    B) I know for a fact that people with mental disorders are among us and we have a hard time to tell w/o thinking they are just annoying for the sake of being annoying. On the positive side, she gave you blog material. LOL
    C) dude, what do you have?

  3. I'm sorry for your pain... but I'm thankful for your new word! Arborphiliac. LOVE it. I was struggling for a word for such behavior as I read your description. I was thinking "floramaniac" but I like "arborphiliac" better. Kudos.

    Don't drive.
    Don't drink alcohol. But definitely keep writing.

  4. I once was on Accutane (sp?) for extremely bad adult acne. I had to obtain a blood test prior to going to my Dermatologist. Then I had to answer 5,000 questions about proper birth control (this stuff causes wicked birth defects). With my prescription in hand I had to go home and log into the Accutane website and answer another 5,000 questions about birth control before I could even go to the Pharmacy to fill the prescription. In addition to all that nonsense - I could only fill my prescription at certain authorized pharmacies. None of which were any of the 20 pharmacies near my home but the closest one was about 35 minutes away, and if I didn't fill the scrip within 48 hours it was no good anymore and I'd have to repeat the process.

    Every month.

    Thankfully I never encountered any plant-rapists while in the Dermatologist's waiting room. That would have been creepy.

    1. Wowza. What a pain! I'd give up after one try.

  5. Wow, you're way better about the whole drug thing than I am. I listen. I nod. I get home, pour a glass of wine and pop the pills.

    I'm sorry you're in pain but glad you got drugs for it. And congrats for not getting stabby on the arborphiliac. I would have cut her.

  6. All I can say is I want some of whatever she's on. But don't worry. I'll lock myself in my own house and molest the plants in privacy, like normal people do. Exhibitionists...we need an intervention. Or better drugs.

  7. gee...I hope your feeling better soon hon. I don't know what you've got, but I wanna meet your Dr - annoying and waiting room or plant and ear rapists or not: cause I have had 3 C sections and aside from the initial spinal block, the strongest pain management candy I received was a couple of extra strength Tylenol. Geez...the laxatives were stronger that the pain meds.

    And then...and then, they have the nerve to ask "on a scale of 1-10 describe your pain level right now."
    me "#$&$#*$ 15! I just had a fricking 10.8 lb baby cut out of me... can I please have the little blue pills now., #&$&*#$$*$*"

  8. Um, can I have what you have?


    Feel better!

  9. Ouch! Glad the pills are working - or at least knocking you out so you don't care.

  10. I want some of what you're taking. You can get a hold of a doctor's script pad and fake their signature, right? Just bring the hummer with you back to the office and get her to distract the staff. :-)

  11. Well I'm returning the compliment you gave me yesterday! I just laughed my ass off. Thanks for that! You may have noticed I'm a bit sarcastic as well. Feel better soon or pop some more pills whichever makes the pain go away faster.

  12. Love this post! That lady sounds so odd! Is it weird that I'm jealous you can take narcotics? They just make me ill...or have panic attacks.

  13. Eugh I hate people who hum. And people who sniff a lot. And people who bite their nails really loudly. Actually sometimes I just hate people, usually when I am at the doctors/dentist/anywhere I don't want to be!!!

  14. I once had a housemate who sang along to commercial jingles. I killed her for that and buried her in the back yard.

  15. Do you need anything??
    Let me know!!
    I don't do well on narcotics either, that's why I request them.
    Hope you feel better soon kitten xo

  16. I'm sorry you're in pain! Hope you feel better soon! I can't take narcotics at all.

  17. Dude! I saw your tweets that day and *I* wanted to slap a bitch! Hope you're feeling better ASAP.

  18. Ah pain pills. I seem to have this ridiculous tolerance to them, I have to take half the damn bottle just so I can function... Sucks.

    I would have mocked the plant lady so bad, just to see her reaction. Walk over and be like "honey, I think you're wrong. These are real. Can you tell by the texture? Smell them, go on do it. See? Real." I'm mean like that though.

  19. BTW's I mentioned you a few times in my recent post lol

  20. Hilarious post! But not hilarious that you are ill. The other week when I was sick I went to the drugstore to buy nyquil and ice-cream. The cashier carded me. No joke. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended that she thought I looked like someone who abuses the nightime-No more coughing-sniffling-sneezing-runnynose-so you can rest medicine.

  21. Hilarious post! But not hilarious that you are ill. The other week when I was sick I went to the drugstore to buy nyquil and ice-cream. The cashier carded me. No joke. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended that she thought I looked like someone who abuses the nightime-No more coughing-sniffling-sneezing-runnynose-so you can rest medicine.


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