Tuesday, March 6, 2012

How To Write the Funniest Post EVAH!

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.  
~E.L. Doctorow

**Please, please make sure you read the note at the end of this. 

It happens to the best of us.  You sit down at your computer to write a blog post and you've got nothing.  If you're lucky, your dry spell lasts only a day.  Sometimes it can last longer, like a week, or gasp! two weeks.  It can be especially difficult to write if you're trying to write something funny.

How can you be funny when you're all angsty, woe-is-me, I'll never write another blog post as long as I live, I've lost my blogging mojo, whyyyyy WHYYYYY is this happening to me?!?!?!?!

Fear not.  I have discovered the key to writing a funny blogpost every. single. time. you sit in front of your computer.

First, you need to stay up for 24 hours.  Longer, if you haven't reached the delirious stage.  When you're good and giddy, start writing.

But what if I don't have anything to say?

Trust me.  When you're delirious you will have plenty to say.  Plenty of funny things to say.  The key is to keep writing.  Don't stop and read, just write.

When you're finished you'll have something like this: Tangerine monkey banana princess ballerina hobo in a penguin costume alligator fart.

I probably should have told you that before you start writing you're either going to want to empty your bladder or wear a diaper because you are going to laugh so hard you will think you are dying.  Doubled over, clutching your stomach, water pouring from your eyes, neck strained, throat burning laughter is what will happen to you.

Over and over again you'll read it and each time it will get funnier.  At first you will be tempted to hit PUBLISH right away because hello funniest thing ever!  But then you start coming down off your high and you realize your eyes are a little bleary.  It's possible there could be some typos in your post.  Like maybe you wrote you're when you meant your.  So embarrassing.  You wouldn't want your funniest post ever to be tarnished by poor grammar.

So you decide to save it and proofread it when you wake up.

You then proceed to sleep for 47 hours.  You awake with the vague notion that you wrote a blog post before you passed out.

Upon logging into your account and pulling up your drafts folder you read:

Tangerine monkey banana princess ballerina hobo in a penguin costume alligator fart.

What the f*ck? will be the first thing that enters your mind.  Followed by was I high and what the hell is wrong with me?

Slowly it will start sinking in and you will remember how hard you laughed at your post.

If you thought it funny once, surely you will think it funny again.  You grab a bottle of wine and at first you're hesitant to drink.  You did just wake up, after all.  But then you realize it's nine in the evening and so you chug-a-lug.  You hope that drinking yourself into a drunken fog can match your previous delirium and thus find the humor in your post.  After two and a half bottles you still don't find it funny, but you no longer give a shit so you hit PUBLISH and pass out.

When you wake up and check your blog you have the following comments:

What the f*ck?

Are you high?

What the hell is wrong with you?

You'll be momentarily embarrassed but then you'll be like, "Whatever, Bitches! I just wrote a post. Suck on that!"  Or maybe you'll just be like, "Yay, I wrote a blog post!"  Either way, you'll be so happy you'll stay up all night dancing and eating Oreos and the cycle will start all over again.

This is my theory, anyway.  I wouldn't know from personal experience.

Word of the Day:
desultory: jumping from subject to subject; erratic; inconsistent. 

**I'm linking up with the amazing Dee of Motherhood:Truth and the awesome Jen of Just Jennifer for Did You Know?.  Although I have never met either of these women, I consider them both to be dear friends.  Some of you may know Jen is going to through a difficult time.  Her husband, Mark, went to the hospital on Friday night and he is still there.  Things were looking up, but last night Dee got a call from Jen that Mark was not doing well.  Jen's last facebook status is that he coded (again) and is intubated and sedated.  Jen is an incredibly strong woman.  If you read her blog, you know some of the challenges she's faced.  Right now she is understandably scared.  The blogging community means so much to her and I know all of your comments, tweets, emails and prayers have given her support and encouragement.  Many of us wish there was something we could do.  I live too far away to run her errands, do laundry, clean her house, or simply give her a hug.  But there is something I can do.  Something we can all do.  Link up with Did You Know.  I know it would put a smile on her face to see so many of us linked up with her and Dee's meme.  She is an incredibly supportive blogger and it would be so amazing if we could show her some support right now.  The Did You Know meme is so easy.  You can write about anything!  Did you know I want a cat? Did you know my childhood dream was to be an astronaut?  Did you know I peed my pants in front of the class in seventh grade?  Did you know eating fruit is good for you?  Did you know I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a shadow standing in the doorway, thought it was an intruder and started flinging shoes at his head? Turns out, it was my husband.
Seriously, it can be anything.  Just please write and link up at Motherhood: Truth. The link is open for the next three days.

Big, wet, sloppy puppy kisses and virtual high-fives to all who do! 


Don't forget to check out my poll on the sidebar! Would you rather...

 

36 comments:

  1. I thought if you wanted a funny post you just took a picture of cat(s) and slapped some text on it.

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    1. Yes that works too...if you want to take the easy way out.

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  2. I stayed awake, stoned, or drunk throughout my college years. I also wrote quite a lot back then. I keep those writings locked away so my family will not find them and have me institutionalized. I am pretty sure I wrote about tangerine monkey farts at some point back then.

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    1. Clearly tangerine monkey farts are the key to success!

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  3. If you can't laugh at your own monkey fart who will? You gave me a giggle! :) Thank you. And thank you for the note about Jen. I went over to her blog and left her a message. Praying everything improves for her and family.

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    Replies
    1. Exactly! Thanks for leaving her a message. I know it means a lot.

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  4. Wow, I was in the works of writing a "Did you know" post about how I had nothing to write about...until I got the phone call...weird. I may have to try this sometime. Thank you so much for linking up and passing this on!

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    1. I know! I thought about that too when I saw your FB message today. I hope we can get a lot of people to link up.

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  5. I'd have to take the chug-a-lug route. Better chance for it to be funny. Lack of sleep and I'm liable to piss everyone off I've ever known. That would not be good. And anyway, I live in wine country. I have plenty of chug-a-lug liquids available. So funny....thanks for making me laugh out loud in the middle of the day.

    And if I may take this opportunity, and I understand the rules, which is questionable, allow me to give a shout out to Erica to be entered into the drawing for an Elegant Theme for the yeahwrite#47. Otherwise just assume I've been drinking and blot out that last sentence! Cheers!

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  6. The pity of it is in my 4 years of blogging I've only ever read 1 or 2 drunk-posts, either drunk from lack of sleep or the evil alchoool I don't know, but they were funny and yeah, that blogger would have been embarrassed much when they sobered up.

    Nothing like a bit of humour to start the day.I couldn't help thinking it reminded me of Stephen King's On Writing which was my bedtime story last night. You said: 'The key is to keep writing. Don't stop and read, just write.' So like Stephen, lol!

    Anything funny this week for RFWer? 'I love you because you have a .....'

    Have a great day/night/afternoon

    Denise

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  7. I think I shall forever henceforth use the phrase "Tangerine monkey banana princess ballerina hobo in a penguin costume alligator fart." as my mantra for those days when I'm seriously committing several acts of felonious murder. I expect inner peace will immediately result.

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    Replies
    1. I of course meant to type *thinking* about committing. Geez, I should sleep. Or drink.

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  8. I've found that I'm not blogging as much now that I'm not drinking as much. We've been traveling and the Mister is refusing to cart bottles of booze in the back of the Mustang. He really doesn't love me. We're heading to Georgia Friday for two whole months and the first thing I'm doing is hitting the liquor store and filling up the trunk. I may hire a truck.

    So, in addition to not sleeping for 24 hours, I'd add booze to the mix. Two mango-tinis and I guarantee that anything you write will be hilarious and the best damn writing you'll find anywhere. :-)

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  9. Haaaaa. It's like drunk blogging. Which I'm a fan of. Or drunk tweeting. Also excellent.

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    1. I LOVE drunk tweeting! I was tipsy when I coined the phrase "bitchtweet." That's what I call brilliance. :-)

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  10. I'm going to try and link something up to the Did You Know thing for Jen but I don't want to link my Yeah Write piece as I'm a bit of a rule follower sometimes. (-: So will write and link tomorrow if that's ok.
    You are so funny. I really did need this advice. PS: I didn't know you were a vampire. So intriguing!

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  11. I find when I write something intentionally funny, it's usually not. I'm more successful when I start out with a serious story, get stuck, and throw something ridiculous into the mix.

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  12. There have been times when I felt that I was doing just that. I hadn't posted in days and knew I needed something and I stayed up late just trying to cram something out. It rarely made sense.

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  13. I find my best blog posts can be directly linked to Kendall Jackson or Jose Cuervo :)

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  14. First of all, very sweet shout out to your friend. I hope things start looking up for her soon and that her husband recovers soon.

    Second of all, I'm going to follow these guidelines STEP BY STEP and get back to you soon. I shall keep a log of my adventures, and we will see if your theory proves to be true.

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  15. I find that if I stay up too late, my head falls onto the keyboard and something gets typed out. Like this: dkjnauogjda;a;lskfngr;

    It will seem pretty funny then, so win!

    (lovely of you to support Jennifer!)

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  16. Great advice. Since I have a newborn I'll be sleep deprived for several months now. So be expecting some ridiculously hilarious posts. Or just ridiculous...

    Will go over to support Jen. Thanks for posting about her. This is what the blogging community is all about!

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  17. You are so funny! Humor is not something I do well.

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  18. This was the funniest post I read today! I am seriously wiping the tears of my face. I have to remember to try this if I loose my blogging mojo!

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  19. Fart at the end of anything really is the funniest thing ever. Always.

    Often, I think I'm hilarious and then people get all offended. Then I go back and realize I didn't make a pronoun clear or I left out a crucial word - like NOT or NEVER. But whatever. I wrote a post! ;)

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  20. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up in the dead of night with the BEST BLOG POST EVER running through my head, only to go back to sleep and literally dream-write it so that when I wake up in the morning I have the BEST BLOG POST EVER already in my head and ready to type out and slap onto ye olde blog... only to realize that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

    Seriously, one time I dream-wrote an entire post about the correlations between a toddler and the self-entitled twentysomethings involved in the Occupy movement. It was brilliant. BRILLIANT. I even had a title for it: Occupy High Chair.

    Occupy High Chair? WTF?

    Yup, in the light of day, it made no sense whatsoever.

    What.So.Ever.

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  21. I think that your lack of sleep idea hit the nail on the head. And me? I'd fucking post that post without proof reading it. Just hit post. People will laugh.
    If you write it, they will laugh...

    So sorry for Jennifer and her husband. Awful times.

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  22. Oh, the dry spell. That dreaded dry spell. Thanks for putting a great spin on it.
    And wine always helps. Everything.

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  23. Did this happen to you?
    I bet it did. You're just coming off of a bender aren't you?!

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  24. I am filing this under blogging tips. I will thank you now.
    And thanks for the note at the bottom. Will look into linking up tomorrow. I am not ready to experiment with blogging after 24 hours of no sleep. I think I will save that as a one year anniversary of blogging present to myself. Ellen

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  25. It can be very entertaining (for yourself) to write these kind of posts...as long as they stay in your drafts folder. Even Ernest Hemingway said, "Write drunk...edit sober".

    Thanks for mentioning Jen and Mark. I've been praying for their family. I think it's a great idea to link up with her and Dee!

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  26. OMG I am so glad I stopped by 'We're Not Mommy Blogs'. Signing up for a subscription right now.

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  27. I was too busy taking notes to laugh. I need to read this again and again. Let me go get a six pack.

    seriously, you're funny as hell, Goddess...and Im commenting more, you have my word

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  28. Did you know you can create short links with Shortest and get cash for every click on your shortened urls.

    ReplyDelete

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