Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What's In the Box!

The last time someone asked that question, it was Brad Pitt's wife's head in the box.  No, not Angelina.  As much as I'm not a fan of her, that would be really morbid.

It's from a movie.  I won't tell you which one in case some of you want to see it.  However, I should warn you, there's a scene where someone's head ends up in a box.  I haven't seen it because movies like that sound traumatic.  And I have enough traumatic scenarios going on in my head without the help of Brad Pitt, however yumilicious mildly attractive he may be.

Also, it's entirely possible it wasn't Brad Pitt's wife's character who met an unfortunate demise.  I don't know.  I haven't seen the movie.  Didn't we already cover this?

"What's in the box?" is the question many of you asked yesterday even though I'm pretty sure I already told you.  It's a bomb. 

I'm mildly concerned by how many of you refused to accept this answer (although incredibly proud of how many of you freak out when someone comes to your door).  Bombs aren't a joke, people.  They kill.  And you should take them seriously.

Even the husband, who looked at me like I was a lunatic when I told him about the bomb, believes there's a bomb in the boxes.  Why else would they still be unopened?

Don't believe me?  Here's a picture.

Every day he's like, "I'm getting those boxes out of here."

And every day, for three weeks, they've stayed put.  Cuz he's scurred.

He claims those boxes, and their contents, are for his clients, but if his clients are going to start having bombs delivered to our house, he needs to get some new ones.

I can't tell if this whole thing is better or worse than the time someone mailed us Anthrax.  True story.

Kind of.

One day I got a package in the mail addressed to me.  It wasn't large enough to contain shoes, so I was immediately suspicious.  And then I looked at the return address label.

Me: Do we know anyone in Fairfield, Ohio?

The husband: No.

Me: OMG! Do you think someone mailed us anthrax?

The husband: That'd be the biggest waste of anthrax ever.

Many of you also told me the shoe fairy hasn't visited you either.  Which is an outrage.  Because I have it on good authority that all of you are very deserving shoe whores.  I bet she's keeping all the shoes for herself.  Bitch.

And now, someone who's NOT a bitch...

I've been tagged by Ado of the Momalog to answer some questions.  She's awesome sausage and you should read her blog.

If you met your favorite movie star and could say whatever you wanted to him or her in 140 characters or less, what would it be? (And who is the movie star?)
Hey Marky Mark. Remember when you used to take pictures of yourself in your underwear?  Me too.  You should do that again. 

The movie star is Mark Walhberg.  Obviously.

What’s your dream?
Well last night I dreamt about buying wine and cannolis.  I also dreamt someone broke into our house and tried to kill us.  So I guess if I ever gave a "I have a dream speech" it would go something like "I have a dream I will one day live a world where people don't try to kill me and I have an endless supply of wine and cannolis."

Ever had a scary parenting moment?
Yes, the time I read the pregnancy test wrong.  Two lines = pregnant, not one!  I think.  Maybe it's the other way around.  Pregnancy tests are hard.

Something besides your children that you are proud of.
Woah woah woah.  I have children?  Someone should probably feed them, or something.

What’s your favorite book? Why?
The one I'm writing.  Shameless book plug!  Boom!

What’s in your fridge?
Not bacon.  Which is a freaking tragedy.

Do you make your bed every day? Is this a trick question?
Do your kids make theirs? Why/why not?  My kids are still in the egg and sperm stage.  I'm guessing that's probably why they don't make their beds.

What’s your best kid’s riddle or joke?
The one where I say to the husband, "Guess what! We're pregnant."  And then he turns white and has to lie down.  It's hilarious.  For one of us.

Epidural or au naturel?
How about we just all agree I'm not squeezing anything out my vagina?  However, if anyone ever cuts me open to extract another human being, there better be drugs involved.

Ask your kids what they like about you and what bugs them about you and write it verbatim here.
Me: Hey dogs, come here.  What do you like about me and what about me bugs you?
Evil Cody: Shut up and give me a treat.
Sweet Riley: I have to poop.

Do you have any advice for Snooki?
Snooki sounds like something that happens when Chewbacca goes to the bathroom.  I refuse to comment on the bathroom habits of Star Wars creatures.

Now I get to tag 11 others and ask them 11 questions.  I'm going to attempt to tag people who haven't already been tagged, but the blogging community is a little incestuous, so um yeah...

Before we get to the questions and the tagged, here are the rules: 
  • You must post these rules.
  • Each person must post 11 things about herself on their blog.
  • Answer the questions the “tagger” listed for you in her post, and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
  • Choose 11 people to tag and link to them in the post.
  • Let each blogger know that you have tagged them.
 I am tagging:

Life Ever Since
Just Jennifer
Bees With Honey
The Robot Mommy
Mayor Gia
Coffee Lovin' Mom
Fox in the City
it's so Fuzzy!!!!
Motherhood: Truth
Mommy 2Cents

My questions are:
1. What reality show would you most hate to be on?

2. Would you rather have your spouse/significant other forget your birthday or buy you a dress that's three sizes too big?  Show your work.

3. Where do unicorns get their magic?

4. What dessert best describes you?

5. Where do you fall on the paranoia scale: One being totally not paranoid, and Ten being they're out to get me!  Explain.

6. Salty or sweet?  I'm talking food, obviously.  But I suppose you can answer that any way you see fit.

7. If a train leaves Boston at 6 a.m. going 100 miles per hour and another train leaves Chicago at 11:00 a.m. going 250 miles per hour at what time will the bacon be most delicious?

8. What modern convenience would cause you so sit in the corner and eat your hair if you had to go without it for the rest of your life?

9. What is your least favorite word?

10. Which is creepier, a teletubby or a furby?

11. What makes your blog awesome sausage?


  1. Traumatic doesn't begin to describe it. just saying.
    Also, LOVE this meme and your take: Comedic perfection!

    1. Why thank you! You just made my whole day. I am giving you all my bacon.

    2. Lies! She told us she doesn't have any bacon!

  2. Your joke about telling your husband that you're pregnant made me laugh! You crack me up. You are such a funny and witty writer.

    1. Yay! That makes two of us who are laughing.

  3. i typically suck at these sort of 'tagged ya' post because i lack creativity or the organization (blog) skills to play nicely. but for you? i'm on it.

    the box? wouldn't last a day in my house, even if isn't addressed to me. Must. Open. It.

    1. Even it's a bomb that's in the box!! Dayum, woman! You've got balls!

      Oh, and don't play nicely. It's better that way.


  4. The movie was Se7en. See how I did that? I'm pretty sure that's how it was spelled but if not then it's just plain Seven. And it was Gwynnie's head in the box. She was his movie wife. The movie was beyond traumatic. And I love love loved it.

    I'm not sure what that says about me.

    1. I DID see how you did that. It was amazing. And I think it's says you are awesome.

  5. The blogging community IS incestuous cuz now I've been tagged twice. Guess this means I have to answer 22 questions. And I guess I better get on it before someone else tags me!

    I love how you answered the kid-related questions!

  6. All I can say right now is I love you! Your answers are to die for! I have to get my creative juices flowing for some answers to go with your awesomesausage questions! Thanks for thinking of me!! :D (or maybe it's just cause no one has ever tagged me...hmmm)

  7. Aw thanks for the tag! Y'all are asking me too many questions!

    1. Uh oh...I'm guessing you've already been tagged.

  8. I'm going to guess that "glass" is in one of the boxes. The one that's tipped on its side. (which is funny, btw)

    They don't show her head. At least not as far as I know. There's other disturbing stuff in the movie, but a head ain't one.

    1. How did you guess glass? Are you watching me through the window? You're in cahoots with the UPS guy, aren't you. I knew I never should have trusted a man in a viking hat.

  9. I remember when the MTV Movie Awards did a parody of that scene only it was with William Shatner and he opens the box and starts singing "Tambourine Man."

  10. My boxes are always filled with upgrade parts.
    In other news, challenge accepted

    1. I will wait with breath that is bated for your answers.

  11. This was hilarious and well sarcastic, as it should be! ?-:
    So glad you played.

  12. I love how you did this!
    but seriously, do we get some bacon or not?
    and is it Canadian, or regular...because that is important.

    1. Regular. Always regular. Unless it's on an English McMuffin from McDonalds.

  13. How many heart attacks has your husband had? Because that? Is HIGH-larious.

  14. Wishing you luck with your box, er, the boxes. Box is nasty and funny, right?

    I love that your dogs helped you answer your questions. :-) Awesome.

  15. I stumbled on your blog - not sure how, that was so five seconds ago - but it is a *HOOT*! I can do the witty thing too, but not as well and it is a *real* push at this hour of the night - oops, I mean day.

    I'm going to pretend you tagged me and attempt a few of these awesome questions.
    1. reality show. Do I HAVE-ta pick one? I'll remain on the perpetual fence.
    4. dessert? Baked Alaska. Do not try to understand...
    5. on the paranoia scale? I remain paranoid at all times - it's safer that way.
    6. salty or sweet? See question 1.

    Thanks for this awesome blog!!

  16. YOUR DOG TALKS? Man I wish mine could. P.S. I need you to stop writing flipping hilarious shit. Other people need my votes.

    Just sayin

  17. Awesome sausage is my new nickname for the Serb. He thanks you...

  18. When I first read what you dreamt about I thought you said wine and Cannabis.
    That would have explained the paranoia over the boxes.

  19. I'm laughing about what Leighann said about the pot..
    Also here's your questions answered:


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