Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The UPS Man is Trying to Kill Me

I don't know what I did to piss him off, but he has it out for me.

I was sitting at my kitchen table blogging checking facebook tweeting working on my novel when I noticed him walking up to my front door.

My first thought was, "AAAA! A man has come to rape and pillage me!"  Because honestly, why else to people come to your front door uninvited?

Then I noticed the big brown boxes in his hand and thought, "maybe he is bringing me shoes!"  I didn't order shoes, but I cling tightly to the belief that there is a shoe fairy somewhere out there granting cute boots and sexy stilettos to the most deserving of shoe whores.  One day it will be my turn to receive them; I just know it!

After that my hands immediately flew to my boobs. 

Did I put on a bra today?

Shockingly, I had.

And people say I don't have my shit together.  Psh.

The UPS man walked up the steps to my door and I ran to the bathroom to check myself out in the mirror.  I wasn't hoping to look like a super model but ever since I quit my job to be a full-time writer, my days are spent at home. Alone.  In my pajamas.  Eating cookies.  And ice cream.  And ranch dressing.  I can go days without putting on real clothes and interacting with other human beings (except the husband, of course, who I'm beginning to suspect may be a robot).

There's a very good chance that when I look in the mirror, I'll look like this:


Oh, don't even act like you don't have birds nesting in your hair.

And all I'm really hoping for is this:
Much better, yes?

I wiped the drool and chocolate from my face, brushed off the crumbs, smoothed down my hair and stood at the door, waiting for the knock.

*waiting*

*waiting*

*waiting*

What the hell is he doing out there?

Suddenly I hear his truck start up.  I run to the window to see him driving away.  I glance at the front door.  There are two packages.

He just left them there.  And I didn't have to sign for them.

Fear begins to snake through my veins.

UPS always makes you sign.  ALWAYS.  I used to get packages every day.  And every day I had to sign.  EVERY DAY!  You sign your name and then he asks you your last name and then you give him a fake name so he doesn't steal your identity.

This is how it works.  Every time.

Unless...

OMG!

Suddenly, I realized it.  There is only one logical explanation as to why the UPS guy would deliver packages and not have me sign for them...

.............
.............

He delivered a bomb.

AAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Why would he do that?  WHYYYYYYY!!!!

I told this to the husband recently and he got a really worried expression on his face and said it'd probably be a good idea if I left the house more often and interacted with other people.

Oh good idea, husband.  Leave the safety of my house and make it easier for people to kill me. That's exactly the type of ridiculous answer a robot would give.

If anyone needs me, I'll be hiding under the bed.



I'm linking up with Yeah Write and a new linky, Did You Know hosted by Just Jennifer and Motherhood: Truth I bet you guys didn't know that if you piss off the UPS man, he'll try to kill you.  You've been warned.  You're welcome.

57 comments:

  1. Hahhaha awww, don't be scared! (what am I saying, I'd totally react as you did...)

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  2. Now I want to know what was in the boxes..I wish I was closer, we could you know, interact and stuff.

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    1. Hahaha this is the EXACT comment I wanted to leave. What the hell was in the boxes. I would totally kidnap...I mean go out and interact with you.

      Maybe you should wear your mask when you answer the door? Wait for the perfect moment and just open the door with a mask on and say "Whatcha doing with that there package?" Scare the shit outta HIM! Possibly install a camera first so A. You have proof of anything he does and B. You can become a Youtube sensation when you scare the piss out of the UPS guy.

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    2. ummm...so what was in the boxes? I am dying over here...

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    3. Bahahahaha Dee! I should totally answer the door in my mask!

      Carmen - I actually have no idea what's in the boxes. I haven't opened them. I think if you open bombs, they explode.

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  3. Nah, UPS doesn't make you sign unless those are some very expensive shoes. It's FedEx you have to worry about. They have 'braless chick' sensors in their barcode scanners.

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  4. Hahaha! Do you need to borrow my lithium? The UPS guy is always good, signature or not. I prefer not because when I open the door the dogs are like, "Woohoo!! Someone has come to visit! We will bark at him until he pays attention to us! I wonder if that box has treats! I have to poop."

    If you want, you can just forward that "bomb" to me and I'll handle it for you. I wear a size 8-1/2 shoe.

    Thank you.

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    1. Haha! My dogs do the exact same thing. I almost feel bad for the UPS guy.

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  5. That bird looks like the twitter bird. I like the art work.

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  6. Bwaahaahaa!! Hilarious! If the shoe fairy ever does drop by your house, can you send it over to my house next? I love shoes ;)

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  7. Since this post is now live, I'm assuming he didn't try to kill you...

    Maybe the fretting scared him away? Women can smell fear, but men can smell a woman trying to preen...

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    1. Haha! Is that a fact? He definitely tried to kill me, he just didn't succeed.

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  8. LOL....clealy, you are safe and well, which I am exceedingly glad for...but left wondering: what the heck was in the boxes? because I am really hoping you are going to say shoes.
    I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!

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  9. Yeah, SG, we need to know what was in the boxes? Did you leave them there until the husband got home?

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    1. Hell yes I did! And the boxes still haven't been opened.

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  10. You laugh, but I always get freaked out when people knock on my door in the middle of the day and I'm not expecting company.

    Mostly because I'm probably not wearing a bra, but also because YES, what if someone has come to murder me?

    Sadly, it's never shoes, is it?

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    1. No, it's never shoes! But it's always a murderer. Always.

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  11. Snort! I love the little hair birdie. He looks an awful lot like a twitter bird, doesn't he? Hmmm...coincidence?

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  12. Those drawings? Are amazing. And hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!

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  13. LOLOLOL!!! This sounds just like me!!! I was once so excited to get a package that I ran out in the freezing cold, with shorts and tshirt (no bra) and the guy looked at me like I had two heads. He hasn't come back....

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  14. I often have to check for a bra when I'm home and there's a knock. Often Im not wearing one.
    What was in the boxes? The damned shoe fairy hasn't been to my house either, sneaky bitch.

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    1. Who is she delivering shoes to then, if it's not us fabulous women?!

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  15. Is it possible he caught a glimpse of the bird nesting in your hair through the window and was to scared to ring the doorbell?

    This post was awesome and funny. :)

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  16. Ok this is the 1st Yeah Write I've read today and you've got my vote.
    I LOVED THIS!
    You are so like me it is frightening.
    I loved your drawing. Loved-loved-loved your paranoia and the whole "did I put on a bra thing"!
    HAHAHAHAHAAHA! Bravo!

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  17. LOL! Hysterical - the UPS man is a ninja - or on the FBI's most wanted list.....he is more scared of you than you are of him, I promise.

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  18. This is hilarious. And I can relate. I sometimes forget that I haven't been out, then go out, and panic. It's scary.

    “Do you ever not go outside all day and then when you do you feel like you’re exploring another planet? It is loud out here!! The air moves and everything, huh?”
    — Jim Gaffigan

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  19. Substitute UPS guy for Purolator guy and almost the same story. Minus the bomb scare.

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  20. This is hilarious..the art work puts it over the top funny!

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  21. Toooooo FUNNY!

    I was dreaming of being able to stay home and write full-time, too. Maybe not. There is clearly a "down" side!

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  22. My fifth grader walked in from school while I was reading this and now she thinks I'M crazy. I may have been guffawing.

    I hate people ringing my doorbell unexpectedly. I'm with ya. I have never seen a shoe fairy, so I'm suspicious every time. Hopeful, but suspicious. And the first thing I check on when this happens? Am I wearing a bra?

    You nailed funny to the back of the brown truck with this one. -Ellen

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  23. Hilarious! Love the bra and quick mirror check routine.

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  24. Definitely a bomb. My kid was sick today, so I stayed home with him, and the same thing happened to me, except it was the FedEx guy, not the UPS guy. And you wanna know what I did? I hid. Behind the couch, which you can see from the front door. Hid. Because I hadn't even bothered to brush my hair, my teeth, or the dog hair and trail mix crumbs off my clothes. I. Was. Disgusting. And there was no way in hell I was going to let the neighbor's dog, let alone the FedEx guy, catch me looking like that. (It wasn't a bomb.)

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  25. Oh gosh! THank you for the LAUGH OUT LOUD post of the day!!

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  26. Hilarious! The UPS guy always scares the crap outta me. He's so used to it that he pretty much dumps my packages and runs before he hears the fearful scream. :-) Loved this post!

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  27. Yeah, I have to do the bra check too. I was chortling through this one. LOL

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  28. HA! This sounds like me...only I feel relieved when the UPS man leaves the packages without knocking. I'd never considered he might be delivering a bomb. Now I'm going to add him to my list. Right before the meter reader and right after the mailman. I just know the meter reader is planning something when he's in the back of the house taking so long...I mean how long does it take, dude?

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  29. Relax. Breathe. You don't have to sign anymore for regular packages. Even FedEx quit it. So cheer up! It might be shoes after all.

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  30. Mine never knocks either. And to think back in the day they were rumoured to knock twice...

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  31. Eye goop and birds nest in my hair...of course. What, they're supposed to nest outside? In the cold? When there are so many crumbs here to share? ;-) Now WHAT was IN the boxes?

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  32. You mean they are supposed to knock???? I must really be low on the totem pole because that NEVER happens at my house. In face most of the time when the UPS/FedEx guy comes I am not home and two days later I discover a package on my porch... hmm... bomb, never thought of that... Ok. I'm taking cover!

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  33. I must say I absolutely enjoyed reading this. Don't let the robots win!

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  34. "My hands immediately flew to my boobs."

    I do the EXACT same thing whenever my doorbell rings unexpectedly. And chances are, if I'm within the confines of my own home, I am not wearing a bra. Which usually means I wind up telling the Jehovah's Witnesses, "No thank you, I've already found Jesus," while peeking through through the front door.

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  35. YOU WERE WEARING A BRA? At home? Alone? I bow down. I can't write unless the girls are sagging right down there at home on my tummy. Besides, where else would I keep the pencils?

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  36. Oh Lordy, those drawings!! I can relate to EVERY part of this except the Ranch dressing. I don't do Ranch. But I am terrified of the UPS (wo)man. And murder. And being caught without a bra.

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  37. It obviously wasn't a bomb or you wouldn't have been able to post, so what was in the boxes?

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  38. Love your pictures! :) Those UPS people....they can't be trusted. ;)

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  39. Oh no, this isn't good for me. I love opening up boxes. Not the ones I've had for ages in the basement (I'm NOT opening up those). The newly-delivered ones, I mean. I actually get excited whenever the FedEx or UPS guy comes over. And no, I don't have sex with them or anything like that. Not THAT kind of excited. More like the morning of Christmas day kind of excited. Know what I mean???

    Does this mean I should start asking my neighbor to open up my packages? Hmm... tempting idea...

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  40. Oh gosh that's funny! It's never shoes... although, now I suddenly have the urge to prove myself WRONG about that by online shopping for shoes... hmmmm
    Also? I think my UPS guy is up to something. Over Christmas he made a delivery at 9PM! Doesn't that guy have his OWN HOME to go to by then? He should not be dropping bombs (I mean, packages) on my porch at 9 PM. Of course, I made my non-bra-wearing husband open the door for that one!

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  41. I've never had a UPS man try to kill me...but you never know. You look really pretty in those pictures. It must be because you put your bra on.

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  42. Well, it's either the UPS guy giving a bomb... OR MAYBE IT'S NOT THE UPS GUY!!! =O

    Maybe someone has infiltrated the system and is killing UPS men and impersonating them to make deliveries, but forgot about making people sign?

    Why? Well... yeah, maybe they are doing it to deliver bombs, come to think of it. But wouldn't it be so much creepier if they were actually delivering vampiric alien lifeforms in larval stage, which when brought into your house will attack you in your sleep and wear your skin and go on to lay gelatinous eggs and send them with gifts of cookies to unsuspecting neighbours?

    This would make a great horror movie... XD

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  43. Oh I always freak out when our postman leaves parcels at the front door without knocking.. or even by the gate and takes me all day to find them!!! Love this story!

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