I was sitting at my kitchen table
My first thought was, "AAAA! A man has come to rape and pillage me!" Because honestly, why else to people come to your front door uninvited?
Then I noticed the big brown boxes in his hand and thought, "maybe he is bringing me shoes!" I didn't order shoes, but I cling tightly to the belief that there is a shoe fairy somewhere out there granting cute boots and sexy stilettos to the most deserving of shoe whores. One day it will be my turn to receive them; I just know it!
After that my hands immediately flew to my boobs.
Did I put on a bra today?
Shockingly, I had.
And people say I don't have my shit together. Psh.
The UPS man walked up the steps to my door and I ran to the bathroom to check myself out in the mirror. I wasn't hoping to look like a super model but ever since I quit my job to be a full-time writer, my days are spent at home. Alone. In my pajamas. Eating cookies. And ice cream. And ranch dressing. I can go days without putting on real clothes and interacting with other human beings (except the husband, of course, who I'm beginning to suspect may be a robot).
There's a very good chance that when I look in the mirror, I'll look like this:
Oh, don't even act like you don't have birds nesting in your hair.
And all I'm really hoping for is this:
Much better, yes?
I wiped the drool and chocolate from my face, brushed off the crumbs, smoothed down my hair and stood at the door, waiting for the knock.
What the hell is he doing out there?
Suddenly I hear his truck start up. I run to the window to see him driving away. I glance at the front door. There are two packages.
He just left them there. And I didn't have to sign for them.
Fear begins to snake through my veins.
UPS always makes you sign. ALWAYS. I used to get packages every day. And every day I had to sign. EVERY DAY! You sign your name and then he asks you your last name and then you give him a fake name so he doesn't steal your identity.
This is how it works. Every time.
Suddenly, I realized it. There is only one logical explanation as to why the UPS guy would deliver packages and not have me sign for them...
He delivered a bomb.
Why would he do that? WHYYYYYYY!!!!
I told this to the husband recently and he got a really worried expression on his face and said it'd probably be a good idea if I left the house more often and interacted with other people.
Oh good idea, husband. Leave the safety of my house and make it easier for people to kill me. That's exactly the type of ridiculous answer a robot would give.