Wednesday, February 22, 2012

They're Taking Over the World

When I was six or seven years old my mom and I lived in an apartment for six months.  It was a crazy place.  Lot's of really weird stuff happened there and every night I dreamed that someone was trying to kidnap me.  The kidnapper would come to the door, politely knock and say, "I'm here to kidnap you."

I would beg and plead for him to come back tomorrow.

"I promise, you can kidnap me tomorrow," I would say.

And he would say, "Okay," and the next day he'd be back and I'd beg him to come back tomorrow.  This happened over and over and he never took me.

He was the dumbest kidnapper ever.

I had a friend who was evil.  One day we were playing outside and she ran inside my apartment and locked me out.

We had a gerbil, a cat and a dog as pets.  One day the gerbil got out of its cage.  The cat chased the gerbil, the dog chased the cat and my mom chased them all.  I sat on the couch and laughed.

The girl that lived above us had black hair on one side of her hair and white on the other side.  She was either a drug dealer or a prostitute.  Probably both.

Yeah, a lot of weird things happened there, but the weirdest was the night of a thousand cats.

My mom and I left one day to go somewhere fabulous.  I don't remember where but I'm sure it had puppies and unicorns and lots of glitter.  When we returned home hours later our front door was open.  Inside, were tons of cats.  Everywhere.

Most of them left as soon as we stepped inside.  But two of them, Siamese cats, hung out with my cat under my bed for hours.  Is suspect they were trying to recruit her because days later she ran away and never came back.

When I was six I all, "Yay, kitties!"  But I was also like, "This is kinda weird."

But now that I'm an adult, I'm all, "That is totally freaking nutballs bizarre.  Seriously, where the eff did all the cats come from?  How did they get in our apartment?  Did they have a key?  Did someone put them there?  Who the hell would do that?  Do cats have superpowers?"

To be honest, I'm not sure which is more terrifying: someone putting them in our apartment (apparently herding cats is not as hard as it sounds) or a posse of pussies traveling around the neighborhood breaking into people's apartments.

I have always loved cats; growing up, I had three of them.  I will never own a cat again because the husband is allergic.  However, I sincerely hope they remember the day I allowed them unadulterated access to my room to aide in furthering their plans for world domination.


  1. A bunch of random kitties in your apartment?! SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN!...says the girl who wants a cat.

  2. I've always had cats and they just rule. I just did a post on the two cats that own me. They take over, and I just pay the bills. One is a real foodie - yesterday, she took off with the egg and bacon out of an egg and bacon biscuit. I'm still finding bacon and egg bits in strange places.

    As a six-year-old, a houseful of cats would have been a dream!

    Great post 8)

  3. same thing happened to me once!
    except, it was my grandparents farm, and I was in the hayloft. they were all "let's play in the hay", and "look at this rat I keep as my b$tch", and "oh, watch out for that sunbeam...zzzzzzz."
    they were probably just being nice because I knew how to get the milk out of the cow.

  4. Cats are creepy. There is nothing more to say.

  5. my cats are insane... I swear they only chase each other around the apartment in the wee hours of the morning so they can wake me up out of a wonderful dream where Lou Diamond Phillips is courting me. Cats can be massive assholes... but at the same time, when I'm feeling blue or sick.. my cats are always there purring and giving me cuddles just when I need them most.

  6. that IS pretty weird. Are you sure it happened?

  7. A posse of pussies?? That could be a hashtag #posseofpussies or #pussyposse! That is so strange, yo. Did it really happen?

  8. A posse of pussies is the best thing I heard all week!

    And I'm totally thinking they were planning world domination! Cats are like that.

    Oh, and if I was your mom, I would have FREAKED the f*@% out if all those cats just "showed up" at our house!!

  9. We have a lab/pit, a daschund/chihuahua, a stinky 12-year-old and my husband and I and seriously - Snickers the cat RULES the household. Hands down. She was here first (well animal-wise) and she has more privileges. She can woop-up on my HALF PIT. Are you hearing me?

    Cats rule. So do dogs. And sometimes fish. And since we're talking pussies so do penises. That's right I SAID IT.

  10. So, our one difference is you like cats. Read my post "Cat Un-Fancy." I'm convinced they are in cahoots with the anti-Christ. They got in via their evil powers. Too wierd and hilarious!

  11. Oh My Word.... That would be all sunshine and roses when I was six too- but if I EVER come home to a houseful of cats as an adult I will lose my mind....

  12. This is the strangest thing I've ever heard. I'm thinking you may have had too much carbon monoxide exposure, or something that caused you to hallucinate. Every time I read your posts I find my need for botox is increasing (I'm all "furrow browed") and I also feel like I can skip the ab exercise for the night. That was funny. Did you see that? I just pretended like I do ab exercises. I don't. I promise.

  13. I think that after you and your mom left the apartment, your cat got on the horn and called her friends and was all, yo! come on over to purr-tay!

  14. Love this post. I usually do not leave comments because *ahem* I feel dumb after reading you *ahem*. But this piece I think I was able to reach your writing level and loved it.

    p.s. I am allergic to cats too, but reading about it did not give me any single hive.

  15. I lived in Puerto Rico for a while and people have bars on their windows instead of glass. The weather was always nice so it wasn't a problem and the bars were only to keep people out. But at night, neighborhood cats would go roaming. Many times I woke up to find that one or more had gotten into our trash can. It was unnerving to know that animals came into our house every night.

  16. Now I'm gonna be wondering how all those cats got into your house. But I know they have super it's probably a good thing they came by.

    I love your drawing of the Rulers of the Universe! Perfect!


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