Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Meh. Valentine's Day.

I am not one of Valentine's Day's biggest fans.  In fact, I walk a very fine line between indifference and dislike. I'm not sure if this is because it is the first major holiday following the most amazing of all holidays: Christmas.  No sooner have I consumed ALL THE COOKIES and ALL THE PIE than the stores are ripping the magical Santas and snowmen from the shelves and replacing them with stupid un-magical hearts and flowers and chocolate.

Did someone say chocolate?

Okay, the chocolate is fine.  The fact that men buy it at the last minute in hopes of some fun time between the sheets?  Not fine.  And pretty pathetic.  However, I suppose what other people do in their relationships is none of my business.

I think the reason I really sing the boos goes back to my school days, where if you didn't have a boyfriend on Valentine's Day you were a big, fat, depressed loser. Or, if you had a boyfriend like mine, who broke up with you before Valentine's Day or just plain didn't care enough to get you anything, you were a big, fat even more depressed loser.

To make it even worse, our school sold love grams or lollipop grams or whatever they were called and from the moment you woke up on that blessed day, you started praying, "please tell me someone bought me a lollipop love gram.  i hope i get a lollipop love gram.  i don't even care if it's from the creepy janitor who lives in the locker room showers, just please let me get a lollipop love gram today. OMG I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT A LOLLIPOP LOVE GRAM!"

By the time you get to school you are a blubbering snotty mess wondering why, why doesn't anyone love me?



There's just too much damn pressure and impossibly high-set expectations associated with that day.

Which is why the husband, who was the boyfriend at the time, and I put an end to that shit right away. 

I spent two hours getting ready (refer to pressure and high expectations mentioned above).  I don't know what the hell I did during those two hours.  I did nothing special with my hair or makeup and I wore a plain tan long-sleeved shirt and black-look-how-good-my-butt-looks-in-these-pants pants.  If had to guess, I probably spent the better part of two hours checking out my ass.

We had grand plans to go to a fancy shmancy restaurant.  Halfway there we were like, "fancy restaurants blow."  We changed directions and went to Scholtzsky's Deli.  We were the only two people there, save one lonely depressed employee who mopped the floors over and over.  I suspect she was mopping up her tears.

The husband asked me something that night that confirmed what I already knew - I am going to marry that man some day.  I can't tell you what he said (I know, I know, so unfair of me to even bring it up, but trust me, if I did tell you, you'd wish I hadn't), but it was hilarious and inappropriate and indicative of a lifetime of irreverent conversations. 

You wanna know what he got me?  A blanket.  More specifically, a blankie.  It was the perfect gift.

Growing up, I had a blankie.  Its name was Blankie.  I also had Puppy and Woah Woah.  In case you can't tell by his name, Puppy was a puppy.  Woah Woah was a frog.  Obviously.  He also happened to be a frog without eyes and a tongue.  Cuz I bit them off.  I was a special child.

When I was three, we went on a trip to Bermuda.  I brought Puppy, Woah Woah and Blankie with me.  I packed them in my red suitcase and checked my bags.  My three beloveds made it to Bermuda, but they didn't make it home.  My luggage got lost and I was dev-a-stat-ed.

There is absolutely no consoling a three year old who's lost her Puppy, Woah Woah and Blankie.  I imagine it was a very long three days for my parents until my luggage was located.

Puppy, Woah Woah, and Blankie
This is what Woah Woah looked like before I ate his face.  Once my parents realized how deeply I was attached to Woah Woah, they went out and bought this guy.  Just in case something happened to Woah Woah.  But deep down, they knew there was no replacing him.  Being a parent must be really stressful.
Yes, we were eventually reunited, but after that, I never brought them with me when I traveled.  I still had them when it was time to go to college.  My mom was like, "you are totally going to get made fun of if you bring them with you."  Turns out, lots of girls brought their blankies to college.  I kept mine under the bed.  I didn't need to sleep with my precious trio any more, I just liked knowing they were there.  One girl I met, who became a good friend, kept her's on her bed.  One day, someone made a joke about her blankie.  My friend very quickly fashioned a shiv and threatened to cut a bitch if she made fun of blankie ever again.  Her exact words were, "no one messes with blankie."

I've digressed.

I told the husband about my lost luggage and on Valentine's Day he bought me another blankie, one that I could take on trips with me so I wouldn't have to worry about losing The Blankie.  It didn't matter that I didn't travel with or sleep with Blankie anymore.  He had listened to my story; he remembered it; he cared; and he bought me the most thoughtful original gift ever.

And everyone says, "Awwww."

Blankie from the husband.  I love the thought of him going into a store and purchasing this.
 Thoughtful gifts like that mean so much more to me than grand gestures and ostentatious plans.  Anyone can plan a special day or buy a really nice gift once a year, but daily thoughtfulness takes continuous threats of bodily harm much more effort.

I'm not sure if that type of thinking means I hate Valentine's Day or actually expect every day to be Valentine's Day.  In fact, I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore.  My head feels foggy and I can't think straight and I have visions of diamonds dancing in my head.

Damn you, Valentine's Day!

This year, the husband and I will celebrate like we have for the last five years: order Sushi to-go, eat it in front of the t.v. and then have sex for four hours.

I'm sorry, did I say have sex for four hours?  I meant, rent a movie and fall asleep within the first fifteen minutes.

Aw, Valentine's Day.  It's the best day!

Happy Valentine's Day, twats!
Oh, and husband, I'm not totally opposed to flowers and diamonds and chocolate.  And bacon!  You know, just in case you get the urge.  I'm not hinting that you should buy them or anything, it's just...in case. And hey, you never know.  It just might get you some action between the sheets.  And by "action": I mean that thing we do where you scream and twist and turn away from me as I try to press my freezing hands and feet against you in an effort to suck up your warmth. 

60 comments:

  1. I do that warmth-sucking thing too :P

    I love how you divulge so many little things in this post...but how exactly are we pronouncing "Woah Woah"? You two sound like you are awesome together :)

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    1. We are pronouncing it like "Woah, I'm about to fall off this cliff."

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  2. My parents moved from the house I was raised in a couple years ago and in the process of getting my stuff out, I found several of my old stuffed pals from my younger days, including a totally random Opus from Doonesbury plush. I brought a few of them to CA and now my 2 year old gets to play with them, which is one of the coolest things I can think of.

    Great post. Sounds like you have your perfect match. Enjoy the sushi.

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    1. That is seriously cool! The sushi was delicious!

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  3. Awww what a sweet story! I have a ratty old stuffed animal too. Boyfriend doesn't know about it. Shhh.

    Also we had candygrams at our school. OH, THE PRESSURE! Luckily my friends and I would all buy from each other so we'd get something at least.

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  4. This was another very enjoyable read! I love your style of humor that is laced throughout.

    And your husband rocks for getting you such an original gift. Anyone can buy chocolates and flowers and jewelry, because those things are stuffed down our throats by the giants of retail. Woe is the day when he gives you some sort of bright red, heart-shaped pillow that has no use outside of this one day.

    Unless you decorate your house with bright red, heart-shaped things.

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    1. You know, I was going to go with the whole bright red, heart shaped decor but decided against it at the last minute.

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  5. How sweet of him!!
    We don't do valentines day. Only because I'm still reeling from Christmas.
    I don't need another reason to pop zits.

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    1. Another great reason to avoid it. My skin can't handle the chocolate.

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  6. I think I had the Valentine's Day beaten out of me in middle school, too. Damn those Candy-grams. It's like aversion therapy.

    For our second Valentine's Day dating, my husband and I went out to the best restaurant we could afford: Il Fiore. It was ill alright. Eight hours of the most rollicking food poisoning a person could ever want.

    Thanks for bringing all of this up. I'm going back to bed now before I have a chance to top these gems. -Ellen

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    1. Your story reminds me of Charlotte and her hubs (whose name I am totally blanking on) from Sex and the City when they go to a schmancy restaurant and get food poisoning.

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  7. P.S. - The blankie gift is all warm and sweet with a soft gooey center. Lucky girl. -Ellen

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  8. OMG....first, you are all kinds of ALLCAPS brilliant!
    second, I think my husband has Woah,Woah's brother! (but if he asks, I said Nothing -right?!)

    and finally, why is there no one making chocolate bacon? shouldn't someone be assigned to this task? OMG - A Bacon O Gram!
    You know I'd totally send you one <3

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    1. A Bacon O Gram is brilliant! I've actually had chocolate bacon before. YUM! And don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

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  9. Awesome! Blankie can cling to you like chocolate would but has zero calories and no guilt.

    Yes, those obnoxious candygram things. Despised those.

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  10. This was sweet and revealing and a little bit crazy! But you know this, right?

    Happy valentine's Day!

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  11. Woah Woah is adorable..eyes or not! Do you remember if they tasted good?

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    1. Aww, I'm glad you love him too! I don't remember how they tasted but I'm thinking I had some help from my dog in pulling them off.

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  12. I love the turn around ... I am happy Valentine's day has become a day of smiles not a lack of candygrams. School really does have a way of taking the joy out of holidays, eh? Fun post! Digressions are awesome.

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    1. So glad you like digressions. It's kinda a theme around here.

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  13. I love this! Such a cute funny post. I like how you start out all 'i hate v day' then wind up telling THE most romantic story! Your hubby sounds ace, I too like thoughtful, I've listened to you gifts and always try to give them over just bought gifts. X

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    1. I had planned to be ranty the whole way through but then I thought of my first VD with the hubs and things took a radical turn.

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  14. I always wanted candygrams, too! Candygram anxiety is the worst! Great post; Happy Valentine's Day.

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  15. Oh my gosh I'm all melty about the blankie. What a sweetheart you have!! We could totally double-date. We always choose the casual restaurants over the fancy pants joints, too. ;-)

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  16. I'm totally with you re: the whole "candy" thing - never been an option for us.
    This here blankie thing you got goin' on? That's HOT! You're lucky.

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  17. Do I really need to comment again? It's always just a "you rule" fest and I think you're getting a big head about it really.

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    1. It's so big I need new hats! But please, continue with the "you rule" fest. Big heads are so in right now.

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  18. What an awesome guy. I agree completely. A "blankie" beats diamonds, chocolates, and flowers any day of the week. A gift that is thought out and personal like that is no less than amazing. And nearly unheard of! :)

    Oh, and I HATED those stupid lollipop grams. Seriously? They were just another reason for me to be invisible and hate myself in high school.

    Great post!

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    1. Exactly! As if we really needed one more thing to make us feel invisible.

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  19. Flowers and chocolate are great...on like, April 17th or something. Giving gifts 'cause you have to sucks.

    Sushi, a quickie and some movie time before passing out sounds freaking fantastic. Enjoy your evening!

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    1. Yes exactly. April 17th. That is a perfect day for flowers and chocolate.

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  20. Awww...the best kind of gift...the thoughtful kind :) He's a keeper!

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  21. Screw candygrams.
    Screw 'em.
    Especially back in high school. I'm still having flashbacks.
    I got them - or ended up finally getting them after a day of angst.
    But it isn't the roses or the candygrams I remember. It's the angst.
    Screw 'em.
    PS: Sounds like you have found your perfect match.

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  22. We celebrated with sex for four hours too!

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  23. haha! The days when you were just praying your mom didn't forget to order a lollipop so you would at least get one!!! haha! I loved this post.

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    1. I never thought to have my mom buy me one. That would have solved everything!

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  24. Just when you think they aren't paying a bit of attention to you or your needs they go and buy a blankie! Hope the sex was good!

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    1. The sex we talked about having was fabulous!

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  25. I love your blankie! Thoughtful gifts and avoiding nice restaurants is definitely the way to go. It sounds like you had a perfect Valentine's Day...especially for someone who doesn't like Valentine's Day!

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    1. It was delightful. And I didn't even fall asleep during the movie. Oh wait, we didn't watch one. Oh well, I still win!

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  26. I love this... and I so agree with V-Day-apathy. :D

    I must not be very smart, O my Sarcasm Goddess. I wanted to send you a message, asking you to write a guest post for my blog. GFC has f*cked me out of that contact method. Waaa. If you are interested, emaile me at agatheringoflight dot hotmail dotcom? :-)

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  27. LOL. I am glad that when I grew up in Germany nobody celebtrated Valentine's Day. I am sure I would have been the only one without a Valentine. Glad you mentioned bacon. Everything is better with bacon.

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  28. This story is incredibly enjoyable. I hated those candy-gram things and had forgotten them until now. I am going to buy a blankie-like object and console myself on the couch.

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  29. I love this blog! It is sweet, it is funny, it is just perfect. If you hated Valentine's before you might have to rethink your stance after reading this. My husband hates when I stick my feet and hands all over his body trying to steal his warmth. And like you, my friends and I would but each other heart grams so we wouldn't be losers! HS is the devil! LOL! For Valentin's Day this year my husband is in Afghanistan, and although we never do anything big, we do try to do something nice. He ordered heart shaped pizza and had them write that he loved me and missed me in pepperoni and veggies. The workers then went and bought stickers and decorated my boxes with hearts and valentine like slogans. Glad to see that someone else feels they have found their perfect match in life. Congratulations and may you and your husband have 60 more wonderful Valentine's Days together.

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  30. My sister still has shreds of her blankie tucked into her pillow case. She's in her mid-forties. A man who buys you a blankie and only mocks you a little bit? He deserves the nookie prize, is what I'm thinking. I mean, not from me, I'm just saying, in general. Sounds like a keeper. Sort of like the frog, the puppie, and the blankie.

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  31. Aw, he bought you a blankie!!!!!! How sweet is that?

    Valentine's Day is a day my husband and I pooh-pooh yearly. This year, we didn't even mention it. We're bound by our cynicism.

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  32. Yep, falling asleep watching TV? Pretty much sums it up for me too. And please never again say the phrase "sex for four hours." That makes my vagina cry.

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  33. So sweet, I love this. A blankie is a perfect gift for YOU! I love it when my hubby does stuff like this and I love that Woah Woah is back in some form, perhaps he is happy to now have eyes and nose in his new form:)

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  34. That is EXACTLY what my mom told me!

    "You'll need to give up your blankie eventually; what will you do when you leave home for school? People might make fun of you. What about when you get married?"

    My parents tried half-heartedly to wean me off of it, but soon gave up. I even brought it to kindergarten with me, but it stayed in my backpack. At recess break I would reach my hand in and feel the fabric. XD

    Now I'm a university student... and I still have my blankie; that won't change when I'm married either!

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