Friday, February 24, 2012

Kentucky Fried Dysfunction

The husband and I are an advertiser's wet dream.  Whether direct marketing, subliminal messages or product placement, if they promote it, we'll buy it.

At least when it comes to food.

A few nights ago the husband and I were watching a show where everyone starts eating fried chicken.  The kind that comes in a bucket.

Without saying a word to each other, we both know that the other really wants fried chicken.

When the show is over the husband says, "Want to go to KFC?"

Me: Yep.

I say this even though I know it will not be good.  I have an idea in my mind of what I want the fried chicken to taste like (good, so very very good) and what it will actually taste like (fat and grease and so very very gross).

Don't get me wrong, I love me some fried chicken.  From Publix.  From Hurricane Wings.  From Buffalo Wild Wings.  Not from KFC.  But it was late and the husband wasn't wearing a hat and I hadn't shaved in a week so neither of us was getting out of the car.

It'd been years since we'd been to KFC so we weren't even sure if it was still in business but I guess even in a down economy people still need their fried poultry because as we turned the corner, the light of the grease fire sign guided us like a lamb to the slaughter. 

We pulled into the drive-thru:

KFC lady: Are you ready to order?

Me: No.  I need a minute.

Unfortunately for this lady and the car behind us, a minute = for-f*cking-ever.

With the window down in full range of the speaker the husband and I had the following conversation.

Me: How does this work?  What do you order from KFC?

The husband: Uh, fried chicken.

Me: Yeah, but what kind?  What are you getting?

The husband: An eight piece.

Me: An eight piece!  You can't eat all that.

The husband: I'll have some for tomorrow.

Me: Oh good, you can clog your arteries two days in a row.

The husband: I want the eight piece dark meat with two sides of macaroni.  Original.

Me: Original.  What does that mean?

The husband: It's how they cook it.  You can get crispy or original.

Me: Ooh crispy sounds better.  Why don't you get that?

The husband: Cuz I want original.  It's better.  Trust me.

Me: Well I don't know what to get.  Can't I just have some of yours?

The husband: Yes.

Me: Great!... The eight piece is twenty-one dollars!

The husband: No it's not.  It's fifteen.

Me: No.  It's twenty-one!

The husband: No.  It's fifteen.

Me: Where do you see that?

The husband: Right there.  In the middle.

Allow me to introduce a visual.  When I looked at the big menu sign, this is all I saw:

We all agree that this says 8 piece $21.00, yes?

 Me: I don't see it.

The husband: In the middle!

My eyes then went to the right side of the sign, because duh.

Me: I don't see where it says fifteen dollars.


Me: Thanks for shouting.  When you talk louder it helps me see better.

This same principle applies to conversations between people speaking two different languages.  If I talk LOUDER and slooowwweerrr the person I am speaking to will suddenly be fluent in a language that thirty seconds ago she couldn’t understand.

But I digress.

I finally looked at the center of the menu and saw this:

Me: Oh.  They really should make that more obvious.

The husband: *facepalm*

KFC lady: Are you ready to order yet?

Me: Yes.

I placed our order and pulled through to the window.  When we get there the KFC lady tells us they don't have 8 pieces of original dark meat and would we like the rest to be crispy?

The husband: Well, how many pieces of the original do you have?

KFC lady: Hold on...

Me: Does it make a difference how many they have?

The husband: Yes, because...

And then he launches into a original vs. crispy fried chicken dissertation.  I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure that's when the KFC lady started stabbing herself in the ears with a pencil.

Finally, it was time for us to get our food.

Now, there is something you should know about the driver-side window in my car.  It takes about four hours to get it to roll down all the way.  I started the roll-down process as soon as we left the house, but by the time I pulled up to the drive-through window it was only rolled down a little more than half-way.  Which means when the KFC lady handed me our order she had to push and I had to pull and pull and pull to get the 87 lb four gallon bag of fried chicken into the car all while the husband is saying, "Just open the door!"  But I am nothing if not determined and got that bitch through.

We left KFC and pulled out onto the road and stopped at the red light.  It also takes four hours to get the window to roll back up.  Which means everyone in the surrounding cars was privy to our conversation.

The husband: For $400 we could get that fixed.

Me: $400!  That's a lot of money.  This is an old car.  It's not worth it.

The husband: Yeah.  You're right.

Me:  That window is going to be the reason I die in this car some day.  I'm going to need to roll it down to escape and I'll be trapped.


The guy on the motorcycle in front of us turned around at the husband's shouting and inched forward.





The light turned green and we made a left turn.  As soon as we got through the intersection the guy on the motorcycle pulled off the road and just stopped...kinda like he was trying to get away from us.

Me and the husband: HAHAHAHAHAHA.  We scared him.

I'm pretty sure we scared a lot of people that night.  But it was worth it to eat fried chicken and drip grease from our pores for six days.  Okay, no it wasn't.  It was disgusting just like I knew it would be. 

But I think we all learned a valuable lesson: The husband and I should never be allowed out of the house unsupervised.  Ever.*

*Tune in next week when I detail our adventure of scouring the K-Mart parking lot for pennies at 9:00 at night!

Let's BEE Friends 


  1. Hahhhaha...fried chicken, ick! You guys crack me up though.

  2. Have you ever tried the KFC bowl? I think it has mashed potatoes, corn, chicken hunks, cheese, maybe even mac and cheese??? Then, they cover all that with gravy. I once got out of bed to drive to a KFC and try that after one of those damned commercials. I ate three bites and threw the rest away, but still. Fried chicken tastes soooo good... in theory.

  3. mmmmm Publix fried chicken and mac and cheese! My favorite! NO joke.

    1. That's hubs favorite too! He is a mac and cheese fiend.

  4. the wind must have been blowing exactly right this past week.....we also couldn't resist the greasy poultry scent as it wafted over our front lawn. I don't know what it is: once a year, I gotta go there - mostly to be reminded, I should never go there.

    1. It sounds like such a good idea in theory and then...

  5. You had me in stitches this morning! Great story! KFC...they closed the closest one to us so we have to travel quite a ways for finger 'licken heart problems...well not that far, there's a Long John Silver right down the road in case we want some fish with our heart attack.

    1. Hmmm... a heart attack with a side of fried chicken or fried fish? It's so hard to choose!

  6. Funny!

    KFC is awesome. Extra crispy might as well mean extra magic.

    I was honking my horn behind you just reading this.

  7. You absolutely HAVE to have the discussion on how many original pieces of chicken were available. I mean, if there were only two then my would have parked itself in their lot and waited for it, all on its own. Hubs and I would kill for more original heart clogging chicken. Seems to me she deserved those pencils in her ears, she should know better than to run low on the Cornels very own.

  8. You = Me spitting water on my keyboard.

    p.s. No joke - I stopped for 2 pieces of fried chicken on my way home from the accountant today, where I'd just dropped off my taxes. At 10am. #stresseater

  9. Ahahaha this was hilarious! I agree, imaginary fried chicken tends to taste better than the real thing. It's like the stuff hijacks your memories of itself...

  10. That is all.

  11. Okay. I'm repeating what I said cuz it seems my comment disappeared...

    I said...

    I never knew ordering chicken at KFC could be so eventful and such an adventure! And I love the "Menus" you made. LOVE. Haha!

    1. It was crazy! The menu was so hard to figure out!

  12. I have been to KFC about twice in my entire life. I agree it's nasty and we have one about 4 blocks from my house. Never again.

  13. Why do you stick to the floor in our KFC? And WHY do I never seem to take that as a hint until after I've eaten there?

    My colleagues in other offices are wondering what's so damn funny in here. :D

    1. It's hard to think straight once the thought of fried chicken invades our brains.

  14. Hahaha, loved this! Especially the menus, lol:)

  15. I was laughing out loud while reading this one. I HATE how good the food looks on t.v. but when you actually get the KFC - gross. Yelling about the window was killing me as well. Please don't die in your car, get the window fixed :)

    1. I know! Even though I'm prepared for it to be gross it's still such a let down.

  16. I don't know how you can turn a trip to KFC into something hilarious. I wish I could be a fly on a wall in your house.

    BTW, we never eat at KFC either and the only time I really, really craved it was when I was pregnant. I would make my husband stop by after work and get me a bucket of mashed potatoes and gravy.

  17. I agree with your hubbs. Original is way better than crispy for KFC's fried chicken. Trust me, I know. ;) lol

  18. KFC started using the healthy oil a few years ago. No trans fats. So it's OK to eat all I want, right?

    This was sofa king funny! I wanna hang out with you guys.

    1. Oh yeah, I'm sure it is. Eat up! And you can hang out with us any time.

  19. This is me and my Honey (the advertising I mean, not the shouting in the car. We don't have a car). Except we just whine at each other about it because it's always late and everything is closed.

    1. Everything is always closed here too...except for gross fast food places.

  20. The Kmart parking lot? At night??? That's how you get hepatitis.

  21. Oh my god.. Don't any of you have a Popeyes nearby?? Any food place that thinks of making a sandwich by replacing the bread with chicken should be shut down!!!

  22. Oh. My. God. You. Are. So. So. So. Funny.
    And that window that you started rolling down *when you left your house!! BWAHAHAHAHA!
    PS: You and your hubs are compatico.

  23. Now, there is something you should know about the driver-side window in my car. It takes about four hours to get it to roll down all the way. I started the roll-down process as soon as we left the house, but by the time I pulled up to the drive-through window it was only rolled down a little more than half-way. Which means when the KFC lady handed me our order she had to push and I had to pull and pull and pull to get the 87 lb four gallon bag of fried chicken into the car all while the husband is saying, "Just open the door!" But I am nothing if not determined and got that bitch through.

    I will be laughing for four days. Mine's EXACTLY the same.

  24. You guys are fun! My fricken husband is asleep on the couch by 7pm. I'd love a secret rendez-vous to KFC...and BTW, totally craving crunchy chicken, and I don't even like chicken!...well, maybe the Big Crunch, but that's because my bun protects my fingers from the grease.

    1. The rendezvous sounds glamorous but trust me, it isn't!

  25. I love this post!
    And I think KFC must be using subliminal messages - my sister came for a visit the other day and told me she and her significant other had gone out for KFC. But their trip was definitely not as eventful as yours!

  26. This is so me and the bf. I just emailed him this post so he could laugh as hard as I did. Also so he can know that we're not the only ones who act like this in public.

  27. Oh mylanta you had me ROLLING!
    Like tears streaming down my face and now my co-workers are looking at me like I just jumped the fence at a mental institution, complete with straight jacket still on.
    Funny shit.

    Oh, and the last time I went to KFC, which was like 37 years ago after an all night drinking binge in college, we pulled up and the KFC lady was like, "Welcome to KFC, may I take your order? Oh, and we have no chicken." Wha??? No chicken??? I must have just entered the twilight zone.
    But nope. They were out of chicken. AT.KFC!!! Biggest WTF moment ever. What else do you order at KFC if they have no chicken?? I have no idea.


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