Wednesday, February 1, 2012

It's So Lonely

You wanna know the worst part about having anxiety and depression?

It’s the loneliness.

The feeling that no one understands what you’re going through.

Even though others suffer from it too, no one can fully understand it.  Because in those moments, when the weight settles on your shoulders, and the brick presses on your chest, and you’re crawling your way to the top of the pool from which you are drowning praying for just one breath of air, just one moment of release, no one understands what it’s like to be you.

You put on a happy face.  You smile.  You laugh. Because honestly, it’s easier for everyone if you act this way.

Everyone but you.

You can’t blame them for not understanding.  They’ve never lived a day inside your head.  They don’t understand the struggle it is to “be normal.”  They don’t know what it’s like to wake up every day and wonder, will today be a good day, or will the anxiety and depression take over?

I should educate them, you think, help them understand.  And you would, except you cannot see beyond the despair and self-loathing.

It’s so isolating.

So lonely.

“It hurts me so much when you say those things, when you act this way,” they say.  And you hate yourself even more.  Because your disease is causing them pain.

And so you welcome the hurt, the loneliness, and despair.  You deserve it, after all.  And they deserve so much better than you…

I wish I could go away for a while.  Where? I don’t know.  But anywhere outside my own skin, beyond the reaches of my own mind, will do.

Smile.

Laugh.

Nobody wants to be around the depressed girl.

And so I do.

But with each breath I hurt.

And nobody understands.

I’m so alone.

Will anybody really miss me if I go?


44 comments:

  1. Depression and Anxiety are so hard to live with. It's a constant struggle and if a person isn't struggling then they are in fear of the feelings returning.

    Keep your head up and keep on keeping on.

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    1. You are so right. A constant struggle. It's hard to enjoy the good times because you don't know how long they will last before the depression and anxiety return.

      Thank you for commenting. It means so much.

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  2. I think I just got educated - real good. You've done a (brave) wonderful job of showing what it's like inside your head. I think my brother may have depression - but I don't know the right questions to ask, and I probaby misunderstand words, actions...non-action. this really gives me a better understanding of what he might be going through right now.
    Hopefully that is where your courage will pay off - I'll will be able to suport him during these times better.

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    1. If I can help just one person then this post was worth it. Thank you so much for your comment. It means so much. Even though I have depression, I still probably wouldn't know the right questions to ask someone else who I suspect is suffering. Just being there for him helps. Trust me. Being there and listening mean so much and knowing that it's not personal, even if he actions, at times, say otherwise.

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  3. I for one would miss you if you went away. I also intimately understand this post . . . it is oh so familiar.

    The happy face is so exhausting . . . just being "normal" makes me feel so much more alone because I am not "normal".

    I am always just a tweet, an email or a phone call away. Hugs to you my dear. xxxx
    Jenn

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    1. Thank you so so much. Your words mean more than you'll ever know.

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  4. You are amazing, my friend. I am getting to watch you literally BLOSSOM right here on your blog and it's freaking fantastic!

    I'm so glad you're not afraid to post this when it's so far from what you usually write. Screw 'em if they can't hang!

    I have a lot of anxieties that I even take a little pill to try and keep at bay, but I don't suffer from panic attacks or true depression. So I may not be able to understand completely, but if the things going through your head are worse than what's going through my head, it must suck pretty bad.

    Like the other Jenn said, I too am here for you.

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    1. It does suck pretty bad, but friends like you, comments like this, help more than I ever realized they would. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

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  5. We are all here for you - I have no idea what this is like in any way but I can listen - I'm good like that

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  6. Think about how BRAVE this one post is! How helpful and comforting to anyone (that's me) who can relate. It may not help to hear, "Oh, I understand, I've been there, too" at the time that you're sinking...oh yes, I know. You're too busy flailing, gasping, screaming in your head, "Thank god you're not in here!" Letting it out, telling others through your blog, makes them feel just one step less lonely...there's nothing better than that. Well done!

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I admit, when I wrote this it was for purely selfish reasons - I needed to GET IT OUT. I needed to feel better, I needed release. I wasn't thinking about how my words might help someone else. But now, when things are a little clearer, I remember how much reading other people's posts have helped me. In a way, their bravery paved the way for me to find the courage to publish this.

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  7. I can soooo relate to this post. So relate. I know what you mean about putting on a happy face because it's easier for everyone *else*, forcing yourself to join in on the laughter because the crocodile tears that are inside would just be a downer for everyone involved. Not to mention just itching to get out of your own skin. Oh, I get twitchy just thinking about how I used to feel that way every day. Now, for me it's much better, though I do have days where the darkness wins over the light, but I try to focus on how the sun is brighter in the morning.

    Thank you for this honest post, I'm sorry you feel so alone, but you made me feel not so alone, so thank you.

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    1. It makes me so so happy that I helped you feel not as alone! We all need each other. Thank you for reading and for your support.

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  8. I'm sorry that the depression and anxiety have been so hard. It is a very lonely place to be. I'm sorry if this is overstepping...but do you have a therapist you can talk to? Many hugs and blessings to you.

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    1. Thank you and you're not overstepping. I've never talked to a therapist about it, but I've often wanted to. What I didn't realize when I wrote this and posted it, how much it would help, that it would be therapy for me. It was easier somehow, to write my feelings than to say them out loud. Thank you so much for reading and for being here.

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  9. Thank you for being so honest about your experience of depression, and for so clearly saying how it feels. I have experienced these feelings, and know all too well the smiley face mask, the giving into the feelings of despair, the wanting to educate others but not really feeling up to it. And the sadness that overcomes when others mention how much you're hurting them.

    "We are not alone."

    I hope you are able to conquer this enemy. You have a wonderful voice. Thank you for posting!!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for being here. It means so much.

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  10. You are not alone. Depression sucks so bad. I hate it. Thanks for sharing, because I am relieved that someone knows how I feel.

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    1. THANK YOU. I hate to know that other people suffer too, but it does help to know that other people understand.

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  11. You are most definitely NOT alone! ANYTIME you need me...day or night...I'll be there. Seriously. ANYTIME. Don't make me kick your ass...

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    1. I think a good kick in the ass might help! Thank you, friend. Love you bunches!

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  12. Just remember the darkness night leads to a brighter day. I don't have depression but I do have panic/anxiety disorder, conversion disorder and borderline personality disorder. I know what those days feel like to just nod and smile. Stay strong and I would miss you....and I am available if you need an understanding ear.

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet words. And I am so sorry you suffer too. I am here for you too. We all need each other to fight this thing.

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  13. Oh sweetie. Argh!!! I want to say I know how you feel b/c I've been there too. But I know that doesn't diminish the pain at all. I get that. Just know I'm here. That's all. And that tomorrow will be better.

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    1. Thank you, Rach! It means so much that you read my words and that you are here and you care.

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  14. For me, my short lived anxiety attacks makes it hard for me to breath (literally). If I experience many of those over a period of time (like over the course of a day or two)I start to fall into a reclusive type state where I isolate myself from everyone. Even on here. For me, it's hard to admit that I know deep down I have this issue. I feel like it makes me a weak person. I can't help it though. You're very brave to have the strength face it and write about it. Just know you're not alone, friend. :)

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    1. I wanna elaborate on one of my statements above. When I said I feel like it makes me a weak person; after re-reading that, I don't feel that what I was really trying to say came across very well. When I'm in one of my funks, I feel like it will make me look like a weak person (if I blame my anxiety), and because of that I start to believe that I am a weak person. Does that make since??

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    2. Yes! Everything you said makes sense. I understand what you mean about weakness. For the longest time I denied I had "a problem." And now that I've embraced it and try to deal with it, I struggle to find the line between explaining that my behavior is caused by my anxiety and using my anxiety as an excuse for my behavior.

      Thank you for commenting and for your support.

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  15. It is lonely. And it is rough. Not everyone understands, and no one knows what is in your head but I have ideas... On December 30th, 2011 I tried to take my own life cuz the depression and anxiety got the best of me. Sadly, I reached out to people who would never get it, so I reached a breaking point. I'm better today, but it is STILL a struggle. I don't know if your on medication(I am now, and it helps) but beyond medication, TALK TO SOMEONE PROFESSIONALLY. There is a reason behind your depression and anxiety and you cannot begin to get better without that help. I actually wrote a blog post about what happened to me to cause some of my problems, it was a beginning to my therapy, and now I'm getting professional help. IT'S WORKING.

    As I said, I do not know what's in your head, I'm not in there... But I understand the loneliness and thought that they are better without you.. and if you want to discuss further, please consider contacting me further.. theonlysummerbreeze@gmail.com

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    1. Thank you for your support and for opening up about your own struggles. I'm so sorry you didn't have the right people in your life when you needed them and I am so glad you are still with us today. I agree that talking to someone professionally will help, I just need to get myself to a point where I can make myself do it.

      I am glad your therapy is working. I pray that each day gets better for you. Keep fighting! Many hugs.

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  16. I would miss you SO much.... you are funny and awesome and one of the few people who regularly comment on my blog even when all I've written is complete and utter drivel.

    the loneliness is epic... no one in my life understands and I don't want to burden them.. i know I need to talk to someone professionally rather than just taking the meds.. but it's just so effing hard... the thought of opening up some of those wounds.. is almost more than I can bear. I don't understand what you're going through and I bet no one else does... just be strong... we love you!

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    1. Thank you, friend. I am so sorry you suffer and are hurting too. I know exactly what you mean about talking to a professional. I have yet to do it too. Although it will (hopefully) eventually lead to healing, it is so very hard to open those wounds.

      I absolutely love your blog! It's not drivel to me. Or maybe I just like drivel. Either way, it's good stuff!

      *hugs* I'm here if you ever want to talk.

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  17. ***You put on a happy face. You smile. You laugh. Because honestly, it’s easier for everyone if you act this way.***

    I. Understand.

    Thinking about you today. xxx

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    1. Thank you. Your support means so very much.

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  18. Your may think this is odd but you (through your blog) can turn a shitty day good for me just because of what your words convey. I've been where you are and to be truthful it creeps up now and again although I've gone through head-shrinking for it all. Some days you just have to take one day at a time. You aren't alone, don't ever forget that and you brighten other people's live (a.k.a. mine). So to answer your question... Yeah, I'd miss you if you were gone and I don't even know you so I can only imagine how much those who get to share your life with you would miss you!

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  19. I wish I didn't know what it's like to have anxiety/depression, but I do. It's a lot of work isn't it? You are so. NOT alone. I get it. I'm there with you.

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  20. Oh girl. Hang in there. I get this crushing feeling of failure that I should just be able to pull myself out of it... but I can't. Not when I'm feeling that way. And yet, I still smile and act like everything is okay.

    So lonely. We're all here for you, though.

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  21. Omg. I so get this.
    I SO GET THIS.
    I often shut down and stop talking to my family because I believe that they don't want to hear about my sadness and my anxiety.
    Why would they!?
    And I wonder what it would be like to be someone who doesn't over think. Who doesn't care.
    I so get this.

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  22. Wow. Very nicely written. Isn't it amazing how many of us feel this way? And it only comes out when someone has the courage to admit it.

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  23. I would miss you. I smile everytime your avi shows up in my feeds. Your smile brightens my day.
    And I know that it's like to want to hide... and how it can sometimes feels easier to just pretend that everything's peachy. Who wants to feel like the girl who's high maintenance? Who wants people to feel like it's WORK to be with them? Those feelings overwhelmed me for a huge chunk of my life. I'm so sorry that you're struggling... the perceived loneliness DOES suck. One thing that helped me was remembering that just because I FEEL something is true (IE "I am all alone.") doesn't make it ACTUALLY true. I know that there are people who care for you and who would miss you deeply if you were gone. That IS actually true.
    But thank you for speaking what's on your heart. We're only as sick as our secrets. I've found that putting words to the darker emotions of my heart and mind and bringing them out into the light can show me that they aren't as scary and HUGE as they seem it in the dark.

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  24. Just started reading your blog a few days ago and missed this. Wish I'd seen it sooner... I've been depressed for decades, long before the medical community or anyone recognized anxiety and depression. Words can't describe. The day is an uphill battle and it can be impossible to be with people. Things are going fine and then - wham! - it hits. Or you wake up, as you mentioned, wondering what kind of day it will be.

    Meds helped me flatten this out some. (And, I'll add that nothing I'm taking is habit-forming/addicting sense. I have stopped the meds in the past and didn't have withdrawal problems.) I no longer have the out-of-the-blue mood swings, the depths-of-darkness ones. Or, at least not as often and if I do, they are *much* more manageable. The anxiety has been flattened. In some ways, it was the worst; free-floating, horrible nervousness about everything.

    Making the decision is hard, the hardest part. Once I made the appointment, it got better. Even the trip to the doctor was not as hard.

    Good luck. All your fans out here will keep checking on you. Too many people love you!

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.