Saturday, February 11, 2012

Do You Smell That?

I have a fear.  That I smell.  As in stink.

I’m not sure why I have this fear.  No one has ever told me that I stink.  No one has ever acted like I stink.

They’ve never walked up to me and started dry-heaving, or buried their nose in the crook of their arm, or sprayed perfume in my general direction.

I have never caught of whiff of something rank and been like, “Oh that is awful.  Oh wait…it’s me.”

And yet, I still fear.

I frequently lift up my arm, thrust my armpit into the husband’s face and say, “Do I smell?”

The husband: No.

Me: Okay, stand right there and sniff as I walk by.

The husband: I don’t smell anything.

Me: What if I walk by really fast. Anything linger after me?

The husband: No.

Me: Oh, what do you know?  We’ve been together for ten years.  You’re probably used to the smell.  You probably like it.

That’s the way it works, doesn’t it?  Have you ever walked by two people, one of whom smells awful, and thought, how does the person they’re with stand it?

But they probably don’t just ‘stand’ it.  They probably love it. They probably breathe deep and burrow down deep into the folds of their lover’s ass rot.

Are you guys gagging yet?

I have to believe if I did stink, someone would tell me.  If not the husband, one of my friends then.  I’ve known many of them for a really really long time.  We’re pretty honest with each other.  Surely one of them would tell me.

But then again, maybe not.  I know this woman.  We’re not friends, hardly acquaintances, but I see her occasionally.  And I talk to her.  Unfortunately.  She has the worst breath in the history of ever.  Like her teeth are rotting.  In fact, every time I talk to her I expect to see her teeth start falling from her mouth.

It would be totally inappropriate for me to say, “hey your mouth smells like rotting elephant ass,” but surely someone in her life – a friend, her sister, the pool guy – can tell her (a little more delicately, of course.)

Most of you who read this blog, I have never met.  But one day, I hope I will (as I'm sure you do, after reading this).  When that day comes, and you get your first objective whiff of me, promise me this: you'll tell me if I stink.

I’ll probably call you a bitch and never speak to you again, but I will finally know the truth and deep down I’ll thank you.

Let's BEE Friends

27 comments:

  1. Since I've never met you and don't really know what you look like, I'm just going to start telling all stinky people the truth. If you're ever one of those, I apologize in advance.

    Now, what's the best way to do it? "Excuse me, you smell" or "PEEEEEEEEE YOOOOOOOUUUU...."

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    Replies
    1. Either will work. The goal is to make them feel as bad as possible so they never even think about being stinky again.

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  2. My mom had a smell. It was bad. It used to terrify me. If I was sitting near her on the couch and she got up or came and sat down I would hold my breath for as long as possible. As a teenager I would scrub in the shower until I was raw so that I wouldn't smell, I thought it might be genetic.

    After I met my husband I asked him if he could smell my mom and he said yes. I made him promise me he would tell me if I smell.

    I, too, am sure I smell bad but he says I don't. I told him it's because he was used to it!!!!!

    It's like you're freaking in my head. Reading my thoughts and verbalizing my fears. HOW DO YOU DO THAT!?!?!

    Wait......what in the hell is that smell?

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    Replies
    1. OMG is it me? I promised I showered today. Or was it last week?

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  3. OMG. I also have this fear. It's not just that though, I have this dream of being the girl that smells great. You know, those girls in high school or the ones you pass at the mall that smell so freaking good? I know I don't smell that good and it makes me sad, but at least I'm pretty sure I don't smell bad... Right...?

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    1. I have that dream too. And trust me, you totally don't stink.

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  4. You're too pretty to smell! Yes, I can tell you're pretty under that mask.

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    Replies
    1. Aww you're too kind.

      Note to self: If you meet Just Jennifer and she tells you you don't stink, she's lying.

      Delete
  5. I, too, have this fear. I constantly sniff my pits, blow my breath into a cupped hand, and stick my feet in my kids face to see their reaction. If they don't faint or scream, I am ready to go out and face the world. My brother works in the music industry. I once went backstage with him and was approaching a "mega star" when my sister leans in to tell me I had sinus drainage breath, with a mixture of 3 beers. I don't think I've ever talked through clenched teeth so much in my life. I'm pretty sure "mega star" thought I was an effing idiot. A stinking effing idiot.

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    1. That was so very kind of your sister. You may have been a stinking effing idiot, but at least you were memorable. There's something to be said for being the stinky girl, occasionally.

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  6. You're so funny. I know a man who stinks real bad and I don't know how his wife does it! Seriously. Being around him makes me want to gag and when he dances at a party or a wedding, OMG - instant death. I wonder if anyone has ever told him.

    I'm pretty sure though girl, you don't stink. I would tell you if you did though :P

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  7. I love how you dare to just say it like it is.
    You say the stuff everybody else thinks...but doesn't dare say. Maybe not "Sarcasm Goddess" so much as "Truthful Goddess"! (-:

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    Replies
    1. Ooh, Truthful Goddess. I like. Then I could REALLY say what I think.

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  8. I think body odor is like addiction...the ones who REALLY have it are the least likely to realize or deal with it. It's the rest of us who are all, OMG, do I smell?!

    I used to work with a woman whose breath was so bad it was like getting kicked in the face every time I spoke to her. One day I offered her a piece of gum and she said, "My mama taught me to never turn down a breath mint or a piece of gum." Bless her heart! So now I know if anyone ever offers me gum or a mint, my mouth is totally donkey kicking people in the face. The more you know.

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    Replies
    1. That is exactly what I think every time someone offers me gum or a mint. I always take it, and then I feel really bad about myself that I'm the girl with stinky breath.

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  9. You are freakin' hysterical. Although you got me with the borrowing in the ass rot thing. I doubt you stink. I think people who actually do stink are totally oblivious. So the fact that you think you do probably means you don't. Trust me. I studied psychology for half a semester.

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    Replies
    1. A half a semester definitely makes you an authority.

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  10. Ha ha. Burrowing, not borrowing.

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    Replies
    1. Hee hee. Borrowing ass rot. Hey if that's your thing, I won't judge. ;)

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  11. This will be my hint: I will place my fingers up to my nose, covering the nose AND the mouth so I don't breathe in the funk, and then I will squinch up my eyes a bit and take a step backward, shaking my head at the same time.

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  12. I tell my hubs when he stinks.
    I have to. No one else will.
    I never stink.
    I shit roses.

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  13. If I ever meet you, I promise to tell you if you smell. I'm that awesome.

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  14. 2 things:

    1. why do you think you smell? is it for sure you suspect you must smell, I don't know...after working out? after hard intense labor under the stinking sun? or it's just a general fear w/o any clear reason for it? Perhaps, there is a deep psychological explanation for it, other that 'smell'. [I say this because my mom has a similar anxiety disorder]

    2. I will tell you, count on it. Not because I'm a bitch, just because there is written evidence of your consent LOL.

    www.mamaandthecity.com

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  15. I used to do this to Tab ALL the time and she'd get sooo mad! She'd say NO you don't and then I wouldn't believe her b/c I thought maybe she just wanted me to shut up about it. haha!

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  16. I think it's just your awesomeness that you smell.

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  17. Nobody has told me but I wonder why they sniff and cough when I'm around? I bathe and use deodorant but still seemingly get a reaction. They say I'm crazy with OCD and want me to take Prozac. I quit my job. I wanna disappear. Please tell someone the truth because it may save a life. I don't care if I smell. Just need to know why people react the way they are! Making me crazy

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.