Friday, January 27, 2012

Whores Be Crazy

You know what's fun?  Finding out things people Google that land them on your blog.

Did I say fun?  I meant terrifying.  And also kind of inspiring.

Perspective matters.

Here are some of my favorite searches that brought Googlers to my blog.

1. Whores be crazy.
Yes they be!

2. Mom Thong
Cuz there's nothing worse than panty lines when you're rockin the mom jeans.

3. A picture of a person putting in a diaphragm.
I hope these pictures were helpful.

Also, if the person who searched that did so because they actually have a diaphragm, give me a call and let me know where you got it.  After Gertie exploded and I tried to get my prescription filled, every pharmacist I went to told me they've been discontinued.  If there's some guy making some in a basement somewhere, I want to know about it.  Unless that guy has dirty fingernails and food stuck to his beard.  In which case, never mind.

If you're new to my blog and are wondering if you entered the twilight zone or some kind of bizarre alternate universe, the answer is POSSIBLY.  Either that or you're drunk.  Probably that one. 

4. Adult Female Slumber Party 
We don't have pillow fights in our underwear! Let it go, dude.  Let. It. Go.

5. Congratulations you are a whore
Aw yay!  Way to go! You worked so hard!  And people said you couldn't do it.  You showed them!  Never let anyone discourage you from going after your dreams.

6. Help my brother get his shit together  
Sorry, I can't help you.  Cookie?

7. Baby Clothes for Whores

These are the searches that scare me.

The next three just warm my heart:
8a. Bacon
8b. Bacon whore
8c. Crazy bacon

9. Rooster get well soon
Oh no!  I"m so sorry your rooster's sick.  Here, show him this picture of roosters rioting.  He'll be back to being the cock of the walk in no time.

10. Good to be a gyno
If you love spending your days elbow deep in vagina, then yes, I guess it is good to be a gyno.

11. Ideas to write about your most embarrassing moment
Tell them about the time you pissed your pants in public.  Wait...never mind.  That was me.  

You know what today is?  That's right.  It's....FRIDAY! Which means it's time to link up with Just Jennifer for Terrific, Grateful, Important Friday.

While there are many things that aren't terrific: a sick rooster, a brother who can't control his shit, whores trying to wear baby clothes, I think it's important to focus on the positive and be grateful for the little things: the end to mom panty-lines, a sweet girl achieving her dream of being a whore, bacon, being a gyno.  I don't know about you, but all of those are pretty terrific, and I, for one, am grateful.



  1. you get the most awesome must be the titles you choose. did you draw those roosters? you have skillz

  2. you have mad drawing skills!
    If I find out that we have diaphram's in Canada I'll send you some.

  3. Sobasically if I went to one of those band name generator deals and put in "whore", conceiveably, it would lead me to your blog?

    You're internet famous

    1. Here's hoping! And yes, I'm internet famous for "whores!" Dream. Come. True.

  4. LOL and Hahahaha! I love you so much! For so many reasons. This is just one.

    1. When you have a few hours to spare I'd love to hear the other ones. Or will it take days to list them all? Either way, I have time.

  5. love the google searches... they are the BEST!

  6. So....wait, are you saying, if I went to a female slumber party and had a pillow fight while wearing a thong and eating some bacon....I might be a whore? For sure then, that would be an embarrasing moment. Love those searches.

    1. Yes I think you would be a whore. Congratulations!

  7. So wrong in all the right ways. I'm laughing so hard I can barely type.

  8. While this post was funny, I will now be having nightmares about the sick, food covered, computer surfing, fat hairy guy who is filling his internal storage compartment to be used to do nasty things at a later time while in the WalMart bathroom on his lunch break, with such things as pictures of women inserting diaphrams at adult female slumber parties where a bunch of sick cocks are running around.


  9. I wanted to add that they would all be eating bacon, but that wouldn't scare me, it would just make me hungry.

  10. hahaha great searches. the gyno one made me go "DAMN it feels good to be a gyno"

  11. Oh My Frigging God, some people are just crazy. CRAZY.

    Except for the bacon lovers, that just warms my heart.

  12. I am uber impressed with your bacon graphics....not to mention your cocks are amazing! Those roosters are top grade lady! A+++++

    I've been meaning to do a post on this same topic. I have a running list of some of the best of the best in those google searches. I have to catch them when my luck runs just right. Unfortunately my ex googles the shit out of my blog and just types in the boring "bat crap" 4,323,687,198,098 times a week so it knocks out all the really good stuff most of the time. BOOOO

  13. Someone found my blog by searching "I have to poop during bikram yoga."

    Naturally, I'm flattered.

  14. I think your Google and my Google have been drinking together. #boobseczema #bignoses #uglydragqueenswithhugefeet

  15. have you ever considered teaching sex ed classes?

  16. Tell them about the time you pissed your pants in public. Wait...never mind. That was me. ***

    Hilareous! xx

  17. OK this would be really funny if I were sober. But I'm not. So it's really really motherfucking funny. Whores be CRAY CRAY.

  18. glad I found your blog. I'm both drunk and in an alternative universe thank you for reminding me!

  19. Fuck you. When I was a whore back in the day, collecting awards for being such, my preferred clothing was baby clothes. Don't judge.

  20. OMG, for real?! Whore be with you...


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