Monday, January 9, 2012

Please Be Gentle, I'm a Virgin

I have a feeling some of you are going to be sorely (no pun intended) disappointed with today's post.  No I am not writing about my first time.  I am participating in Monday Listicles, which our host Stasha aka Northwest Mommy says is not to be confused with testicles.

Which is honestly not as easy as it sounds.  Every time I see the husband's banjingos, I'm all, "Tell me again, are those testicles or listicles?"  You'd think after being married for six and half years I'd have figured it out by now.

You know how sometimes, you plan to write a post and three words in things go horribly awry?

Me too.

Today's testicles listicles topic, courtesy of Squashed Mom, is the Top Ten Strangest Jobs you've held in your life.

I'm not sure if I've had ten jobs, but let's start listing and see how far we get.

1.  When I was 19 I worked at my uncle's sub shop.  We had to wear hats.  Hats look stupid on me.  This hat was ten times too big for my head and I looked especially stupid.  That, however, is neither here nor there. Unless it comes up later in a trivia question.

I look young for my age.  This often causes confusion.  And embarrassment.  One of my coworkers was a 16 year old boy.  He knew how old I was, but one of the regular customers (who was maybe mid-twenties) came in one day, looked at me and said to my coworker, "You should tap that."

Seriously dude?  I repeat, SERIOUSLY?!

My coworker's face turned bright-red and hissed that I was 19, which made the customer's face turn red as he realized he had just put his stamp of approval on a felony. Way to go, douche-canoe.  Way. To. Go.

2.  One summer I worked in the dining room of the clubhouse of a public golf course.  Exciting stuff, lemme tell ya.  One day a customer orders a hamburger with onion.  When burger and onion are delivered he shouts, "Where's the onion?"

Me: Uh, right...there?

Him: I want onion!

I go back and tell the cook the guy wants more onion for his burger.  He gives me a HEAPING MOUND of onion which I deliver to the guy.

Him: What's this?!  WHAT IS THIS?  I SAID I WANTED ONION!"

The onion quantity on his plate was greater than that of one whole onion.  I probably should have asked him if he wanted a whole intact onion or told him he was mental and I could no longer serve him.  Instead I just ran away and hid under the bar.

3.  At that same place of employment a woman wanted to know what the Jerk Chicken Soup was like.

Here is how the menu described it:
Jerk Chicken Soup with rice, onion, red and yellow peppers and corn.

Me: Well, it's spicy has rice, onion, red and yellow peppers and corn and is cooked in a chicken broth.

Her (giant eye roll): Well I know that.  I want to know what it's like.

Me:  Hold on.  I'll be right back.

I ask the cook what the Jerk Chicken Soup is like.  He says, "It's spicy, has chicken, rice, onion, red and yellow peppers and corn and is cooked in a chicken broth."

Great.

Me (back at the woman's table): The Jerk Chicken Soup likes long walks on the beach and reading poetry, but can appreciate the occasional dirty joke.  Contrary to its name, it is very polite and hardly ever utters a harsh word.  Its parents hail from Jamaica but it claims no race, nationality, religion, nor gender and prefers to be known simply as Soup*.

Is anyone surprised I only lasted six weeks there?

4.  One summer I worked at Marshalls.  No lie, it was one of the greatest, most fun jobs of my life.  My co-workers were crazy lunatics and I fit right in.  My bosses were cranky old bitches two heartbeats away from death.  One of them had had two strokes at work.  I worried about her.  A lot.

My "department" was home goods.  Folding towels.  Organizing shelves.  Creating end-cap displays.  Oh what fun end-caps were!  It was mindless and I loved it. 

Most days. 

I was a team-player and willing to do anything asked of me.

Almost anything.

One day, I was reorganizing a shelf of pillows when I lifted a pillow...and realized there was a giant puddle of pee beneath it.  I dropped it and walked to the bathroom to wash my hands.  Pee was beyond my pay-grade.

5.  I once worked with a boss who tried to "teach" me how to find a ten percent increase.  This guy's ego was too big to fit through his office door on most days.  So telling him he had absolutely NO IDEA what he was doing was out of the question.  He actually asked me if I knew how to find the increase.  I told him three different ways and every time he told me I was wrong and then tried to show me some convoluted calculations.  He furrowed his brow and scratched his head and told me his errors were due to rounding.

Okay dude.  Whatever you say.

6.  I once worked with the devil.  Did you know the devil is a woman with gnarled fingers and enough botox in her face to paralyze the population of Texas?

Fun times that was.

Well that's it.  That's all my testicles.  Or is it listicles?  It's possible I've had more jobs but I think that's been a long enough trek down memory lane.

Make sure you check out the other testicles!
Crap.  I got it wrong again, didn't I?


*No I didn't actually say that.  I didn't grow a pair until my mid-twenties.

23 comments:

  1. I've worked several tedious jobs, but never any strange ones. I hope the woman who asked about the soup reads your blog :-)

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  2. I found you through Twinisms and enjoyed a few posts while I was here! Very fun, I will sure to be back!

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  3. hahha, you have quite the colorful resume.

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  4. This testicles oops I mean listicles post was SO hilarious! I think you and I in our stupid polyester hats would've been so funny working together (I would've gotten you fired). Definitely.
    "Douche-canoe" --> thanks for the new swear word, added to my vocab.

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  5. best laugh so far for 2012!

    I know, it's early in the year....but I have high hopes that you'll rise to the occasion and keep em coming.

    (no pun intended on the testicle/listicle confusion.)

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  6. Oh, see, I totally thought you did say that! Maybe if you had been wearing the mask?

    SG, you're a riot.

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  7. I think I know that devil of which you speak. She was my ex-boss too. A couple times. I'm quite sure. I LOVED your list. It was the chuckle I needed for my Monday morning. Thanks. Love the humor!

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  8. HI-larious! I am highly impressed by your response to Madam Eye-Rolly re what the jerk Chicken Soup 'is like'. Pure brillance, that.

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  9. Totally LOLing over here! Nice job...except...you're job is writing now, so you totally should've included something from, say, doing NaNoWriMo. Just sayin'.

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  10. I keep going back to that job you had at Marshalls. Pee???

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  11. This was so funny. Loved your reply to man in the restaurant about the Jerk Chicken soup. The best!

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  12. I demand that you go back and clean up that pee under the pillow right now, missy! Or just do whatever it is you were already doing...it's up to you, really.

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  13. I would hire you in a heartbeat with that kind of resume..sounds like you've done a little bit of everything and then some!

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  14. Testicle listicles? That's something I could totally write about. You know, cuz I'm writing about just about nothing right now.

    I worked at a DQ, and we had to eat our mistakes. Didn't stop me from making mistakes - as it was supposed to do. I love me some DQ blizzards baby!

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  15. Ooo...workin' for the devil. There ought to be a book's worth there! You're a pretty good virgin, ya know?! :>

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  16. I'm glad you survived your time with the Devil so you could blog about it.

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  17. Looking at testicles and listicles can make you laugh uncontrollably, first one mostly for it's wrinkles and saggy look, second one hopefully for witty writing like yours! Love this post Goddess.

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  18. OK this isn't about where you worked but your comment about listicles sounding like testicles reminded me of this HIlarious site I found this weekend (no porn despite the testicles connection)....

    http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-the-gentleman-blow-drying-his-balls-in-the-gym-locker-room

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  19. After reading about the pee at Marshalls I feel like I have to wash my hands and tread more carefully the next time I shop there.

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  20. Do you think Jerk Chicken Soup would go on a date with me?

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  21. I so wish you had said that. I once told a table who asked what made the chicken supreme that it was the big hair and sequins. Three blank stares. They were much more interested in knowing it was a chicken breast with the wing attached,. Some people.

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  22. I am so confused about the onions.... What a weird guy. I'm glad there was no felony at the sub shop and you made it out alive

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