Monday, January 16, 2012

All Things Crappy

It's been a week since I've written one word in my WIP process.  I'm in the middle of the second draft.  Everything was going great then WHAM!  Nothing.  On top of having writer's block I also think my manuscript is a giant pile of crap.  Which I know isn't totally true.  But I also happen to be in the middle of a super fun spell of depression which causes my brain to tell me that I flat out suck at life.  Also?  I'm anxious at night so I don't sleep.  I fell asleep for ten minutes last night watching SNL and woke up in total panic accompanied by a Tremendous Sense of Doom.  Add to that some serious PMS and life is one giant barrel of laughs.

In the spirit of all that laughing, here is a list of things that royally piss me off.

1. People blow their nose at the dinner/lunch/breakfast table.
Seriously?  Are you kidding me?  I'm trying to eat.  I can only assume you do not see this plate full of food and this fork making its way to my mouth as I ever so delicately try to shovel said food into my face. Why else would you do something so vile?

In my experience, this behavior has only been exhibited by people of the male variety.  Now I understand men are naturally more disgusting than us fragrant-as-a-rose females, but I refuse to accept this wretched behavior.  (In case you're wondering, the husband DOES NOT commit this despicable offense.)

To me, blowing one's nose at the table is the equivalent of pulling down your pants, hovering over my plate and defecating on my food.  That's how much of an appetite I have after you expel your face excrement while I eat.

Here's an idea, why don't I create a symphony of burps, farts, pisses and shits?  It'll harmonize quite well with the sound of snot fleeing from your nose, don't you think?  Did you notice how I said the snot was "fleeing" your nose?  That was intentional.  You're so disgusting even your snot doesn't want to be around you.

2. People who are too cocky to function.
For this one, I shall use a real life example.

One day, a guy I know - and by "guy" I mean he was male, I do not mean to imply he had the intelligence level of a person over the age of two, even though he is 23 - tells me he is leaving a pizza place when he sees a car full of crazy teens come flying through the parking lot.  He decides he's going to teach them a lesson about reckless driving and walk right in front of their 90-mile an hour car.

"I stepped right in front of their car and made them stop," he says with his chest puffed proudly like a dumbass dodo bird.

Uh, no. You were lucky they stopped in time.  Honestly, in a battle between you and 2,000 pounds of metal, who do you think is going to win?  Your intestines will be splattered across their windshield, but at least YOU SHOWED THEM!

I can only assume he told me this to confirm what I already knew.  That he is a complete and utter idiot.

3. My brain, when I'm trying to sleep.
When the husband decides to go to bed, this is what happens:  He lies down, he goes to sleep.

When I decide to go to bed, this is what happens:

You know what would suck?  Being lost a sea.  In a life boat.  Or worse.  Just a raft.  OR WORSE!  No raft.  Just treading water.  WITHOUT EVEN A LIFE VEST.  Which would be worse: drowning or being eaten?  DROWNING OR BEING EATEN?!  DROWNING OR BEING EATEN?!

My heart is racing and I'm literally grabbing the sheets as though holding onto the life raft I don't even have because OMGI'mStrandedInTheMiddleOfTheOceanWithoutALifeVestAndI'mGoingToDie!!!!

Think about something else.  Something happy.

Puppies.  Flowers.  Christmas.  Vacati...

Remember that time you had surgery?  That was pretty freaking scary, huh?  You know what would have been even scarier?  If you woke up during surgery.  That happens you know?  I hear it's the worse feeling EVER!  Like your body is on FIRE.  And being STABBED.  AT THE SAME TIME!!  I hope you never have to have surgery again.  BUT WHAT IF YOU DO?  WHAT IF YOU WAKE UP AND YOU CAN FEEL EVERYTHING?!!!  BUT YOU CAN'T MOVE.  AND YOU CAN'T TALK.  AND NO ONE KNOWS.  NO ONE!  AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE TEN HOUR SURGERIES.


Okay, relax.  New topic.  Try vacation.  You like vacations.

White sandy beaches.  Strawberry Daiquiris.  Sleeping in a hammo...

What if, when you're at the airport, someone hides a pound of cocaine in your carry-on, but you don't realize it?  And when you go through security the dogs come after you. And the scary men with guns surround you and you scream, "that's not mine, that's not mine!"  But they don't believe you.  And you get locked up.  Abroad.  Like that t.v. show.  For forty years.  And rats nest in your hair, and poo comes out of the faucets and you can't shave your legs!  AND YOU CAN'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH!  OR PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS!  OR WRITE!  OR READ BLOGS!!  DO THEY HAVE TAMPONS IN FOREIGN PRISONS?!!!    

This goes on FOR HOURS.  Until morning comes and my brain is so exhausted it finally shuts down, gets some rest and gears up for the next night of fun.

4.  My metabolism.
Hey you.  Yeah, I'm talking to you.  Where the eff did you go?

(Updated: 4b.  So I just read this after I posted it twenty or so minutes ago and realized an entire paragraph is missing here.  And I have NO IDEA what it said. So added to this list: I hate blogger. I think the next sentence is supposed to say something about having to watch what we eat and work out once we turn twenty-two while our metabolism sips pina coladas  and gets a massage from the cabana boy, but honestly, who the eff knows.  This day extra sucks.) 

I'm calling bullshit.

Remember when I used to be able to eat an entire Hungry Howie's pizza and a fourteen gallons of ice cream, but skip the next meal and I'd wake up the following day skinnier than the day before?  I want that back.

So get off your lazy ass, suck the cellulite out of mine and get back to work!

And don't forget the bacon!

5.  People who hate their life so much they can't be happy for others.
Listen, I'm sorry your life sucks.  I truly am.  I used to be a lot sorrier until you started acting like a giant twatwaffle.  I'm beginning to think the only reason you even hang out with other people is so you can practice your little digs.  Which, by the way, are totally pathetic.  Here's an idea.  Instead of being a giant asshat, why don't you do something to fix your life.  Trust me, I too was once incredibly miserable.  But I didn't take my misery out on other people.  You could learn something from me, you know.  I'm pretty awesome.

I could go on, but I'm sure there's only so much inspiration you people can handle in one day.  You're welcome.

Oh oh!  Blogger now has comment threads so I can respond when you guys comment!  Yay!  So if you tell me all the things that royally piss you off I can respond with, "Yeah those people/things totally suck and you totally rock!"


  1. Oh my gosh I totally agree with all of these. Especially #1 (my SISTER does it and it makes me BATTY) and #3. Honestly, #3 happened to me last night. Boyfriend was over and I was up for the majority of the night worrying about stuff. I started watching Entourage on my computer at like 330am to distract myself. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. UGH.

  2. You should have called me! I was totally awake at 3:30 a.m. I watched the first episode of The Firm. It was two hours and I think I fell asleep around 5.

  3. Oh yes, when you come live with me we will just stay up all night yelling at our brains looking at the water. We will get along just fine.

    1. Your neighbors are going to think we're insane!

  4. I don't miss my metabolism because apparently, I've never had one!
    GOSH! :)

  5. #2 and #5...I don't know which type of person I can't stand more. I would have laughed at the pathetic-ness of Mr. Cocky. What a moron. Though people who constantly complain about their lives - I have found - also do nothing to try to change their misery. So in my opinion, they deserve to be stuck there.

    1. Yes yes yes! They totally deserve to be stuck!

  6. 1) I don't blow my nose very often because it makes my nose feel tickly and it gives me the shivers. So I just snort it back up and swallow. . . is that MORE appetizing?

    2) Yeah, that is dumb.

    3) Sometimes my brain does that. Reading sometimes fixes it. I'll just start to nod off, and after I drop the book, I shut off the light and I can usually get to sleep.

    4) I just started running again this new year.

    5) Those sorts of people suck for lots of reasons. But one of the biggest seems to be that they really become friendly when their lives are at their worst, and disappear when they're "happy". So you're good enough to lean on when his husband is leaving her, but after she's recovered and found a new boyfriend, you don't hear from her again.

    1. 1. Yes MUCH more. So much more I won't be inviting you to dinner.

      4. Awesome! Maybe I can lose weight by osmosis.

      5. What. A. Jerk.

      You rock!

  7. #1: I HATE this too, seriously, who raised these people? AND you'll probably want to avoid the entire Asian continent for the rest of your life. They not only blow their noses at the table, they will blow it into their hand and fling it onto the floor. Anywhere. In a restaurant, on a bus, an airport terminal, just snot flying in all directions. And spit. Awful.

    #3: I know. I once blogged that my house had fallen into a sinkhole, and even found a photo online that looked like my house (I was using it as justification for failing to blog for a while) and now, just as I'm about to fall asleep, I start thinking OH MY GOSH WHAT IF A SINKHOLE OPENS UP AND I FALL IN BUT I DONT DIE, AND IM JUST DOWN THERE ALIVE, AND NO ONE BOTHERS COMING FOR ME, AND IM AT THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE WAITING TO DIE AND I CAN SEE A SPECK OF SUNLIGHT AT THE TOP.

    So glad I found your blog, this is wonderful.

    1. 1. Why would they do this. Whhhhyyyyy???
      3. I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I now have something new to worry about.

      Glad you found it too! :)

  8. Thats a damn good list! I should probably just eat alone. I have so many things that bug me it makes it hard to enjoy a meal sometimes.

    Insomnia sucks ass... and not cute, high, perky dimple free ass...but gelatinous sloppy golf ball dented ass....ugh

    1. I hear gelatinous sloppy golf ball dented ass is all the rage right now.

  9. Firstly, let me tell you how pissed I am that Blogger brought out the reply option. I moved to WP, which totally hates me, can't do a damn thing on it - because of the reply issue - plus everyone told me to move, which is stupid and makes me sound like a sheep.
    Totally with you on 3 and 4 and as for 5, you can only take so much whining and then you simply have to tell them to get their shit together and get over it ;)

    1. WP scares me. You? Are a very pretty sheep.

  10. I hate that I have to pee right after I found that sweet spot in bed.

    1. I am OCD about peeing. I pee right before I get in bed and if I don't fall asleep within five minutes, I get up and pee again. And again. And again. I should just pee the bed.

  11. Everybody said that a manuscript needed at least two months cooling off time - but *I* was going to be different. Like you, I jumped in too soon, and like you, I thought my pages totally sucked. Another few weeks - yeah, some fixing was necessary, but I didn't HATE them anymore.

    While I wait for my beta readers to return their notes, I am launching into a couple short stories involving my novel's characters, to keep focused on them but not obsessively pick at the novel.

    1. I let my story sit on the shelf for two months before taking a look at it. The first week was great! And then the next week everything sucked. I don't know if I'll ever deem it ready for others to read.

      I really like your short story idea!

  12. Separated at birth.
    You just confirmed it. Again.

    1. It truly is amazing we found each other after all these years.

  13. those are great things to be pissed off at... and I'm fully with you on all counts!

    1. Thank you for being with me! You rock my socks!

  14. I also remember a time when I could eat whatever struck my fancy without worrying about needing to be sprayed down with a hose until a large enough hoist could be found to transport me back to the ocean.

    Hope your writer's block goes away soon.

    1. Gasp! Back to the ocean? That must mean a real life marine animal is reading my blog. This day just got a thousand times better.

  15. Why haven't I subscribed to your blog yet?
    TELL ME?
    I love you.
    There I said it.

    I hate sneezers, coughers, and the like.
    Why do we have that body function?

    My husband also lays down and goes immediately to sleep. I, however, am awake thinking about first world problems and my bank account.


    1. I love you too! You just made my whole day. Funny you mentioned bank account because MINE MAKES ME CRAZY!

  16. Anyone over the age of 30 that has a cocky d-bag attitude I conside to be a grand failure. Life is about being humble after you get knocked in the mouth chick after chick and job after job.

    Most of these people have barbed wire tattoos and listen to Nickelback so they;'r easy to avoid.

  17. My new favourite word is twatwaffle. Always looking to increase my vocab with new and original swears.

    And #3, very much so here too. The Man falls asleep as soon has his head hits the pillow. Then he snores. And snores. And snores. I like to find new and unusual ways to wake him up and piss him off when he does this and my brain won't stfu. It's my one source of amusement at 3am.

  18. Common now... what did the poor dodo bird ever do to you??

    I too have a hard time falling asleep at night due to an overactive imagination. Though my thoughts are more like - What if my stalker breaks into my house tonight and murders me and my family... What if we have a carbon monoxide leak and I'm the only one who wakes up to find the rest of my family dead... What if some drunk person runs off the road and rams right into one of the kids rooms even though we live at the end of a cul de sac, in a quite neighborhood. It could happen... Why do I see headlights on our street at 2 am? Is it my stalker?... Or what if our house catches on fire and I have to bust out my window and chuck my kids out of it and it breaks both their legs...

  19. You are hilarious. Thanks for writing. :)


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