In the spirit of all that laughing, here is a list of things that royally piss me off.
1. People blow their nose at the dinner/lunch/breakfast table.
Seriously? Are you kidding me? I'm trying to eat. I can only assume you do not see this plate full of food and this fork making its way to my mouth as I ever so delicately try to shovel said food into my face. Why else would you do something so vile?
In my experience, this behavior has only been exhibited by people of the male variety. Now I understand men are naturally more disgusting than us fragrant-as-a-rose females, but I refuse to accept this wretched behavior. (In case you're wondering, the husband DOES NOT commit this despicable offense.)
To me, blowing one's nose at the table is the equivalent of pulling down your pants, hovering over my plate and defecating on my food. That's how much of an appetite I have after you expel your face excrement while I eat.
Here's an idea, why don't I create a symphony of burps, farts, pisses and shits? It'll harmonize quite well with the sound of snot fleeing from your nose, don't you think? Did you notice how I said the snot was "fleeing" your nose? That was intentional. You're so disgusting even your snot doesn't want to be around you.
2. People who are too cocky to function.
For this one, I shall use a real life example.
One day, a guy I know - and by "guy" I mean he was male, I do not mean to imply he had the intelligence level of a person over the age of two, even though he is 23 - tells me he is leaving a pizza place when he sees a car full of crazy teens come flying through the parking lot. He decides he's going to teach them a lesson about reckless driving and walk right in front of their 90-mile an hour car.
"I stepped right in front of their car and made them stop," he says with his chest puffed proudly like a dumbass dodo bird.
Uh, no. You were lucky they stopped in time. Honestly, in a battle between you and 2,000 pounds of metal, who do you think is going to win? Your intestines will be splattered across their windshield, but at least YOU SHOWED THEM!
I can only assume he told me this to confirm what I already knew. That he is a complete and utter idiot.
3. My brain, when I'm trying to sleep.
When the husband decides to go to bed, this is what happens: He lies down, he goes to sleep.
When I decide to go to bed, this is what happens:
You know what would suck? Being lost a sea. In a life boat. Or worse. Just a raft. OR WORSE! No raft. Just treading water. WITHOUT EVEN A LIFE VEST. Which would be worse: drowning or being eaten? DROWNING OR BEING EATEN?! DROWNING OR BEING EATEN?!
My heart is racing and I'm literally grabbing the sheets as though holding onto the life raft I don't even have because OMGI'mStrandedInTheMiddleOfTheOceanWithoutALifeVestAndI'mGoingToDie!!!!
Think about something else. Something happy.
Puppies. Flowers. Christmas. Vacati...
Remember that time you had surgery? That was pretty freaking scary, huh? You know what would have been even scarier? If you woke up during surgery. That happens you know? I hear it's the worse feeling EVER! Like your body is on FIRE. And being STABBED. AT THE SAME TIME!! I hope you never have to have surgery again. BUT WHAT IF YOU DO? WHAT IF YOU WAKE UP AND YOU CAN FEEL EVERYTHING?!!! BUT YOU CAN'T MOVE. AND YOU CAN'T TALK. AND NO ONE KNOWS. NO ONE! AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE TEN HOUR SURGERIES.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?!!!
Okay, relax. New topic. Try vacation. You like vacations.
White sandy beaches. Strawberry Daiquiris. Sleeping in a hammo...
What if, when you're at the airport, someone hides a pound of cocaine in your carry-on, but you don't realize it? And when you go through security the dogs come after you. And the scary men with guns surround you and you scream, "that's not mine, that's not mine!" But they don't believe you. And you get locked up. Abroad. Like that t.v. show. For forty years. And rats nest in your hair, and poo comes out of the faucets and you can't shave your legs! AND YOU CAN'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH! OR PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS! OR WRITE! OR READ BLOGS!! DO THEY HAVE TAMPONS IN FOREIGN PRISONS?!!!
This goes on FOR HOURS. Until morning comes and my brain is so exhausted it finally shuts down, gets some rest and gears up for the next night of fun.
4. My metabolism.
Hey you. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Where the eff did you go?
(Updated: 4b. So I just read this after I posted it twenty or so minutes ago and realized an entire paragraph is missing here. And I have NO IDEA what it said. So added to this list: I hate blogger. I think the next sentence is supposed to say something about having to watch what we eat and work out once we turn twenty-two while our metabolism sips pina coladas and gets a massage from the cabana boy, but honestly, who the eff knows. This day extra sucks.)
I'm calling bullshit.
Remember when I used to be able to eat an entire Hungry Howie's pizza and a fourteen gallons of ice cream, but skip the next meal and I'd wake up the following day skinnier than the day before? I want that back.
So get off your lazy ass, suck the cellulite out of mine and get back to work!
And don't forget the bacon!
5. People who hate their life so much they can't be happy for others.
Listen, I'm sorry your life sucks. I truly am. I used to be a lot sorrier until you started acting like a giant twatwaffle. I'm beginning to think the only reason you even hang out with other people is so you can practice your little digs. Which, by the way, are totally pathetic. Here's an idea. Instead of being a giant asshat, why don't you do something to fix your life. Trust me, I too was once incredibly miserable. But I didn't take my misery out on other people. You could learn something from me, you know. I'm pretty awesome.
***I could go on, but I'm sure there's only so much inspiration you people can handle in one day. You're welcome.
Oh oh! Blogger now has comment threads so I can respond when you guys comment! Yay! So if you tell me all the things that royally piss you off I can respond with, "Yeah those people/things totally suck and you totally rock!"