Yes, I realize it's Tuesday. But I never said I'd play by the rules.
The topic for this week's list is 10 Things I Never Said I'd Do, But I Do Anyway courtesy of Greta at Not Enough Patience and Never Enough Jewelry.
I couldn't think of anything to fit this list so I modified it slightly. Here's my list of Five Things I Never Said I'd Do But Society and Polite Company Expect of Me.
Clean out the fridge. I’m pretty sure I never woke up one day and said, “You know what would be fun? If I cleaned out the fridge today.” I’m pretty sure I never even thought about doing it. So why in the world am I up to my elbows in three month old food? Hmmm, what do you think this is? It smells like…OMG whatever you do, do NOT smell that.
What the…is this some kind of joke? Who put a small fuzzy animal in the fridge? Although totally NOT funny, it is rather cute. Hey little guy, come here. I won’t hurt. I just wanna…
Okay that’s not an animal. That’s a…you know what? I don’t even want to know what that is.
Do laundry. Separating whites, colors, towels, sheets. That sounds like a lot of work, and honestly, who has time for that? Certainly not me. This solitaire won’t play itself.
Yes I realize there are piles of dirty clothes all over the house and wayward socks and a trail of towels, but think of it like a game. The Don’t Step on the Laundry Game! It’s kinda like Step on a Crack, Break Your Mama’s Back. But in this case if you step on laundry, you…um…I don’t really know what happens. I’m about to win my 87th straight game of solitaire and I need to focus!
Here’s what we’ll do: If it doesn’t smell, wear it. It smells a little bit, spray it with perfume and wear it. If it smells like moldy socks, burn it, or whatever; I don’t know, just let me play this game dammit!
Show up on time. You were the one who said we’d meet at eight a.m. I never said I’d be there. If you paid attention when I talk, you would know that I don’t get up before nine-thirty so the very earliest I could be there is eleven a.m. And truthfully, I really hate doing anything before noon, so let’s make it one o'clock. Okay?
Great. See you at two-thirty.
Be responsible. I don’t know who it is that keeps sending me pieces of paper in the mail with large amounts on them next to the words: You Owe This, but you can stop it. I know it’s a scam. Cable, electric, phone. Psht. Nobody pays for those things. Honestly, how dumb do you think I am?
Oh, and what is this “loan” business? It’s not a gift if you expect me to pay it back. Didn’t your mother teach you ‘tis better to give than receive?
Lose gracefully. Oh don’t give me that look. You were the one who wanted to play. I’ll throw the cards, overturn the table and throw myself to the floor in a screaming fit of rage if it pleases me (which it totally does). Don’t even try to tell me it’s not acceptable behavior. I know you cheated. There is no way someone could be that good at Go Fish.
Also? It’s impossible for you to have four 5’s. Because I hid the five of hearts in my purse. Which means you stole one from another deck. Or! You went through my purse when I wasn’t looking. You’ll do anything to win, won’t you?
Is it just me or are all these things ludicrous? It's called the Power of Lowered Expectations, society and polite company. Live by it and you'll rarely be disappointed.