Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I Never Said I’d Do That!

It's time for Monday Listicles!

Yes, I realize it's Tuesday.  But I never said I'd play by the rules.

The topic for this week's list is 10 Things I Never Said I'd Do, But I Do Anyway courtesy of Greta  at Not Enough Patience and Never Enough Jewelry.

I couldn't think of anything to fit this list so I modified it slightly.  Here's my list of Five Things I Never Said I'd Do But Society and Polite Company Expect of Me.

Clean out the fridge.  I’m pretty sure I never woke up one day and said, “You know what would be fun? If I cleaned out the fridge today.”  I’m pretty sure I never even thought about doing it.  So why in the world am I up to my elbows in three month old food?  Hmmm, what do you think this is?  It smells like…OMG whatever you do, do NOT smell that.

What the…is this some kind of joke?  Who put a small fuzzy animal in the fridge?  Although totally NOT funny, it is rather cute.  Hey little guy, come here.  I won’t hurt.  I just wanna…

Okay that’s not an animal.  That’s a…you know what?  I don’t even want to know what that is.

Do laundry.  Separating whites, colors, towels, sheets.  That sounds like a lot of work, and honestly, who has time for that?  Certainly not me.  This solitaire won’t play itself.

Yes I realize there are piles of dirty clothes all over the house and wayward socks and a trail of towels,  but think of it like a game.  The Don’t Step on the Laundry Game!  It’s kinda like Step on a Crack, Break Your Mama’s Back.  But in this case if you step on laundry, you…um…I don’t really know what happens.  I’m about to win my 87th straight game of solitaire and I need to focus!

Here’s what we’ll do: If it doesn’t smell, wear it.  It smells a little bit, spray it with perfume and wear it.  If it smells like moldy socks, burn it, or whatever; I don’t know, just let me play this game dammit!

Show up on time.  You were the one who said we’d meet at eight a.m.  I never said I’d be there.  If you paid attention when I talk, you would know that I don’t get up before nine-thirty so the very earliest I could be there is eleven a.m.  And truthfully, I really hate doing anything before noon, so let’s make it one o'clock.  Okay?

Great.  See you at two-thirty.

Be responsible.  I don’t know who it is that keeps sending me pieces of paper in the mail with large amounts on them next to the words: You Owe This, but you can stop it.  I know it’s a scam.  Cable, electric, phone.  Psht.  Nobody pays for those things.  Honestly, how dumb do you think I am?

Oh, and what is this “loan” business?  It’s not a gift if you expect me to pay it back.  Didn’t your mother teach you ‘tis better to give than receive?

Lose gracefully.  Oh don’t give me that look. You were the one who wanted to play.  I’ll throw the cards, overturn the table and throw myself to the floor in a screaming fit of rage if it pleases me (which it totally does).  Don’t even try to tell me it’s not acceptable behavior.  I know you cheated.  There is no way someone could be that good at Go Fish.

Also?  It’s impossible for you to have four 5’s.  Because I hid the five of hearts in my purse.  Which means you stole one from another deck.  Or!  You went through my purse when I wasn’t looking.  You’ll do anything to win, won’t you?

Is it just me or are all these things ludicrous?  It's called the Power of Lowered Expectations, society and polite company.  Live by it and you'll rarely be disappointed. 


51 comments:

  1. You are one funny goddess. I might have to implement your laundry policy. It just make so much more sense then folding.

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    1. It works out quite nicely. Now tell me, what is this "folding" you speak of?

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  2. Oh, I wake up EVERY morning just scrambling to clean the fridge! NOT. Laundry on the other hand I've somewhat got under control... (or at least my mother-in-law does since she throws a load in every time she comes over - which is probably too much? - but that's a whole other topic...)

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    1. I am very interested in this topic of your MIL doing your laundry. Seems like there's more to the story...

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    2. I think we all need to come up with a scam, I mean plan, to get our MIL's to do our laundry. She already watches my kids so I don't know how I can make this work but really, that seems like the best plan EVER!

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  3. You are hilarious. Also, I kind love the Power of Lowered Expectations. Plus, if you put the laundry in small mounds before you actually get around to washing it- you can hop over it on your way to the kitchen- pretty sure that counts as cardio or something. Two birds, one stone.

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    Replies
    1. Cardio! Why didn't I think of that? You, my friend, are a genius!

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  4. Hahahha, how about "shower regularly"? Or is that just me...

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    1. The other day the husband asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch. ME: Are you serious! I haven't showered in like six days!

      (and I'm not about to start.) (kidding) (kindof)

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  5. I would so like to lose UN-gracefully if society lets me. And I usually don't clean out the fridge until I find one fuzzy animal; that will eventually lead to many other fuzzy animals found.

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    1. Too bad the fuzzy animals don't eat all the fuzzy things. Oh wait, the fuzzy animals ARE the fuzzy things. I am society and I give you permission to lose un-gracefully.

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  6. hahahah!
    Yes, I agree with you! Spray the stink out.
    Wait.. were you kidding?
    I don't really do that.

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    1. Yeah, me neither. I don't do that. Totally not. That would be...gross and...stuff.

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  7. This is one of the rudest realities of becoming an adult. Having to do things you didn't sign up for. Grrrr.... Matching and folding socks is one of mine.

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    1. And why are there always socks missing! Whyyyyyy!!!!

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  8. Cracking up!
    Wait, am I supposed to clean out the fridge? Fail.

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    1. No! You are NEVER supposed to clean out the fridge. Fridges clean themselves. I think.

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  9. When we moved last summer, I had to confront The Fridge. Filled with random jars of sauce that I bought for one recipe back in the dinosaur age, plus plastic tubs of I don't know, perhaps brain tissue? Here's the ploy, though: give 7 yr old license to take it all out, dump it in the sink, and make a lovely stinky gross mess in the sink. Then wash it all down the drain. Okay, yes, maybe it was a biohazard but what the hell. My fridge was cleaned out AND my kid amused himself for like an hour. You say biohazard? I say GENIUS.

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  10. Snort! You know, we could just meet for lunch at 2:30 so neither of us will have to cook, or then clean out the fridge of the food that our ungrateful families wouldn't eat.

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    1. You make it sound so simple. Just...meet for lunch. I assume this means I also won't have to do laundry?

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  11. Yeah, when I spontaneously clean my fridge, it's like walking down memory lane, reminiscing about all the ingredients for healthy meals I never made...

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  12. OK. You get me. We are now friends.

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  13. Ooh, I am notorious for not showing up on time even though I REALLY, REALLY try. It just never works out. I think it's genetic. Or I'm lazy. Or I don't know.

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  14. Are you my wife with a secret blog/online persona. Because this is her list. Seriously, are you two twins?

    I've never owned one of those NOW! compilation pop CDs. I've got life by the coulyans, sister.

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  15. Clean the fridge? surely you jest.
    Why if I did that, my husband would miss out on all that time he spends standing there, not touching anything, and asking where the mayo is. Seriously, he might actually find something if I cleaned it. then what? the whole balance of the universe would shift, and I....I'd probably have to make him a sandwhich. or beef stroganoff. something.

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  16. Too funny! I opened my fridge and thought hmmm, I should clean this, think it happened? :)

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  17. Oh everything on this list is so true! Especially the fridge. I have found a few too many cute furry animals in there. Be careful, they bite.

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  18. Ugh, I HATE cleaning the fridge!! That's definitely a chore I now leave for my husband to do.

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  19. Show Up On Time. LOL glad you included this one. Andrew and I already know to expect you to arrive at least an hour and half past the scheduled time. And? I've learned to love that about you. Or have I just learned to live by the power of lowered expectations???? ;)

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    1. I think it's a combination of loving me and lowered expectations. :)

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  20. What? There's a new Blogger commenting system? OMG, what should I do? Should remove Disqus?? You're stressing me out, SG!

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    1. Keep what you have! I never installed anything because I knew I'd do something wrong and make my blog explode.

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  21. Ah, loved this post! I am with you about turning up on time. Morning person I am not. If you expect to see me on time, then you best be coming to me instead of the other way around, or you may be waiting a good while. I am also notorious at cancelling on people. It just happens.

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  22. If it smells a little bit, use Febreeze. Instant nice-and-totally-not-just-picked-out-of-the-hamper smell!

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  23. You're list cracks me up! I still don't clean out the fridge though. that would require us to drink all the beer and alcohol.... thats all you really need in a fridge right?

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    1. Beer and alcohol, yep! That's all you need.

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  24. I despise laundry. I despise losing. I despise the smelly broccoli in the fridge. Love your list!

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  25. What? You mean fridges don't self-clean????

    Shit.

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    1. Seriously! You'd think they would have invented one by now.

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  26. I'm with Alison... I thought they were self-cleaning fridges?!? This explains a lot.

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  27. I don't mind doing laundry as much as I despise folding it. My wife and I often play a game of chicken to see who can go longer before folding it. Since we have a 2 year old (and thus, no life) folding often gets relegated to our Saturday nights with Tivo. Sigh.

    Great list.

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    1. Occasionally I get around to folding it. But putting it away? Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Never.

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    2. That's why God invented coffee tables, duh! It's easily accessible and everyone knows exactly where it's at when they need a clean shirt.

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  28. Hilarious...I am all in on the bill scam...just ignore them they will go away once they realize their insanity. As for laundry thank god our nanny loves to do our twins laundry...anything over half a laundry basket makes her edgy so I now have to limit her laundry prowess or else we are back to problem number 1. Thanks for the laugh...how many games of solitaire did you miss out in writing this?:)

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  29. I totally relate. I'm a miserable adult. I wasn't totally stoked about getting married, but thank GAWD I did because he's the responsible party in our house. He keeps the lights on, the fridge clean, our time commitments kept.

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