Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Before I Die...

Lists.  They do a blogger good.  Which is I'm linking up again with Stasha again for listicles (don't worry, I've finally learned the difference between a listicle and a testicle, but now I just really want a Popsicle).

Our topic this week comes from Ally of Two Normal Moms: 10 things you’d like to see happen before you die. She did give an alternative: "10 things that give you anxiety" but she figured we all didn’t have any little ocd habits like her, and she'd be left all by herself with a list of 20.

Silly Ally.  Doesn't she know bloggers are neurotic by nature?  We're also naughty by nature, but that's an entirely different list.

Because I am an overachiever, I shall do both lists.

10 Things That Give Me Anxiety

1.  What doesn't give me anxiety?

The End.

Oh fine.  I'll give you specifics.

1. Going to the beach (not being at the being, just the act of going to the beach).

2. My dogs.  I wake no less than five times during the night and put a hand on them to see if they are still breathing.

3. Parking on the opposite side of the parking lot at the grocery store.

4. Arriving too early to a party.

5. Arriving too late to a party.

6. Parties.

7. Wasting a cute outfit on an insignificant day.  (Okay, that one's kind of a joke, but I can think of few things in life that are worse.)

8. Being in a crowded elevator. 

9. Being in the car for long periods of time. Or short periods of time.  Sometimes, I just need to GET OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW!

10. Being in a crowded subway with 47 layers of clothing and OMG my scarf is itching me and I want to take it off but if I move my arm I will smack five people in the face and who the hell is sucking up all the oxygen?  Why are we stopping in the tunnel!  It's going to flood!! The walls are going to collapse!!!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIEEEEEE!!!!!

11.  The movie Contagion.  Within in ten minutes of watching my head started hurting, my face felt puffy and my throat started to close.  True story.

12.  People who...wait, I think I was supposed to stop at ten.

And now... 10 Things I'd Like to See Happen Before I Die

1. My book gets published.  (And if it's not too much to ask...many of my books get published)

2. Make a living from writing.

3. We stop seeing gender, race, religion, weight, height, age, nationality, sexual orientation, political affiliation, disabilities, social class, wealth, superpowers, etc. and just see each other as people.  Period.

4. An end to animal cruelty.  Mainly because the thought of animals being hurt turns my stomach inside out.  But also so the ASPCA, the World Wildlife Fund and Sarah McLachlan will stop running those horrible commercials.  Seriously.  Those things should begin with a warning.

WARNING: The following commercial makes 90% of viewers want to stab themselves in the eyes with pencils and then throw themselves in front of a train.





This actually happened to me, you guys.  But instead of running over puppies, they ran over a cow.  With a tractor.  I already have enough horrible images running through my head at any given moment thanks to my brain; I do not need the t.v. adding any more.  I CAN'T FREAKING HANDLE IT!

5. Visit the Inca Ruins of Peru
Image source
6. Swim with the dolphins.  I've been wanting to this for twenty years which, of course, means my expectations for how awesome it will be are really, really, really high.  And we all know what they say about high expectations.  They make reality suck.  I'm probably better off leaving this on my wish list.

7. Visit New Zealand.  All of it.

8. Make a quilt.  It's become this crazy new obsession of mine.  Every day I scream at least three times, "I want to make a quilt!"
The husband: Do you want to meet me for lunch?
Me: I want to make a quilt!

Note to self: Learn to sew.

9. An end to depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses.
10. An end to all cancers.
And one more, because it's my blog and I wanna...

11. Wear a fabulous dress with some fabulous heels, gather all my real life friends and my bloggy/twitter friends at a fabulous location and party like it's 1999.


68 comments:

  1. Can I come? I might even wear a dress from 1999!
    What splendid list, all 20 and a bit of it. #9 on your first list is so me. I have been known to freak out if stuck to long sitting in the passenger seat on a family car ride (like 10 minutes into it really).
    As for llamas, not sure the brown one is still there. I heard she moved to Chile.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! You must come! Dresses from '99 are encouraged!

      Delete
  2. Loving all of them...and I am with Stasha, I laughed as I read about your scarf itching and everything basically collapsing around you...I feel that way in pretty much any crowded space. I love the list of what you want to do as well. Loving all of it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crowds are terrifying! Loving that you love it all! :0

      Delete
  3. Love your lists!! I'm totally stealing this list idea for my blog tonight! Yay! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  4. HAHA! I HATE those freaking commercials, they really should come with a disclaimer: "you are about to have every bit of joy ripped from within you." That being said, I can't imagine what you saw about the cow. Is that really legal to show on tv?!

    New Zealand is definitely on my list as well. And of course an end to illnesses and discrimination and all the noble things you listed, but mostly I want to visit Middle Earth.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Excellent lists! Except the quilt thing. My MIL makes quilts, and has tried several times to bond with me and teach me. It didn't go well. I may be scarred for life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a feeling I will be scarred too. But that's probably because I'll end up sewing my face to my knee.

      Delete
  6. I refuse to watch Contagion. I know myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know myself too and I did it anyway. Stupid me.

      Delete
  7. I just watched Contagion too! hubby started coughing in the middle of it, blowing his nose constantly. Love-shcmuve! I'll quarantine your sick arse faster than you can say, "why are all those stars in a scary virus movie?"
    I think you should make a quilt, with each square being a completed task from your list.
    ambitious much?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh hell yes! You so much as sniffle and it's quarantine for you!

      Delete
  8. My bucket list consisted of swimming with dolphins too! We did this on our honeymoon in Mexico. Couple of things to note. We did this in a controlled environment because I was scared a shark might try to bite my vagina in the ocean. The controlled environment was gross. Some how I thought they'd put chlorine in the water or something??? We stood on platforms amidst this super cloudy and green pool/ocean recreation. The platform felt carpeted with slime carpet. I couldn't see 2 inches in the water. And then, they released the dolphins and all the gross and nasty seemed to disappear. The dolphins were amazing, gorgeous, slippery... all the things you imagine. I will do this again, but in America. Maybe the water won't be so scary at Discovery Cove in Orlando?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You were smart to watch out for your vagina. Here's hoping the water at Discovery Cove isn't disgusting. If I ever swim with dolphins, that's probably where it'll happen.

      Delete
  9. Obviously making a living from writing is high on my list too.

    My only problem with you eradicating mental illness is I'm afrid we'll have nothing to blog or interesting to write about. Our crazy is what makes us rad.

    funny and poignant as always, Goddess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right. Our crazy is what makes us rad. Maybe we could just get rid of all the bad side effects of crazy and keep the part of crazy that is awesome sausage.

      Delete
  10. Wow! We really do have a lot of the same! We are awesome like that! Also, your anxiety list...gave me anxiety reading it. Sheesh. I REALLY wish we were closer, I could TOTALLY teach you how to make a quilt! LASTLY, you WILL make a living as a writer and you WILL get published! And I WILL be buying ALL your books!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can teach me to quilt?! Another reason I need to move in with you.

      Delete
    2. If the two of you move in together there will only be a few signs of the apocolypse left, so I'm coming too!

      Delete
    3. Oh good! I'm so glad we'll have a doctor with us during the apocalypse.

      Delete
  11. You are quite the arteest! It's so realistic.

    btw... I started to go into a mini panic attack when you were describing the subway. Eeeek! OMGosh, what if someone farted?! That would be the death of me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can assure you there is lots of farting. Probably some pants crapping too, by people who are having an anxiety attacks. I'm just assuming, of course. I don't know from personal experience...of...course.

      Delete
  12. Love the comic but that's really awful about the cow/tractor incident.

    I used to want to swim with dolphins, and then I heard about their gigantic erections. And now it's all I can think about.

    Also, popsicles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Greta, the cow was terrible. My hands flew to my eyes and I sat in shot for several minutes. I can't get the image out of my head and it makes me want to cry.

      Gigantic erections are terrifying. Have you seen that video where the dolphin humps a woman. Oh Mah Gah.

      Dolphins are sweet, but sometimes they gang up on other dolphins and kill them. I learned about it for a report I did in high school.

      Gigantic erections. Humping. Gang violence. Why do I want to swim with them, again?

      Delete
    2. Hey, just for funsies, go to YouTube and search for "duck erection." You won't regret it. I promise. Do yourself a favor and make the boi-yoy-yoy-yoing sound while you watch. Much safer than swimming with dolphins.

      Delete
    3. Why do I have the feeling I really really really don't want to do that?

      Delete
  13. I'm so happy I'm not the only one who thinks of testicles when they read listicles.

    ReplyDelete
  14. OK, Have you seen that thing on Pinterest about that pet commercial? About "I'm Sarah McL and I'm about to ruin your fucking day!?"

    Dammit.

    I can quilt. I've made a few. Want me to teach you to sew?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha! no, but i totally need to pin that! please teach me. I'll be at your house in an hour.

      Delete
  15. I love that you did both lists. You're so right about those damn commercials. Every time one comes on I yell, "Sad commercial!" and try to get whoever has the remote to mute it. They just look at me funny. Partying like it's 1999 would be rad! See what I did there?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ooh. In 1999 i went to my senior prom in a HUGE POOFY fire engine RED princess-style ballgown.

    So this is gonna be a good party.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like a FABULOUS dress. This party is going to rock.

      Delete
  17. OK, swimming with dolphins is AWESOME. I'm not even joking right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, I'm taking you with me to make sure I don't get humped by a dolphin.

      Delete
  18. Oh wow. Do you know if you have social anxiety? #4,5&6
    Althought you cover it very well.

    The last list: hilarious, and sad if true. A cow? really?

    www.mamaandthecity.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! A cow for reals. I was/am sooooo upset.

      Delete
  19. So many similarities, so many differences! Your list made me smile, mostly in recognition because I get anxious about some strange things, too.

    But then, one of my favorite movie moments is in "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?" where they run over the cow. But that's fiction. Sick and strange and funny, but fiction.

    http://contemplatinghappiness.blogspot.com/2012/01/conundrum.html

    ReplyDelete
  20. Holy CRAP that anxiety list is awesomely funny. I don't even ride in elevators if I can help it. And that comic of the dead puppies? Bwahahaha! LOVE IT. (Not dead puppies, just your depiction of it.) Some things you just can't UN-see. Word, sister. Word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes exactly! You cannot un-see things. Like that cow. I am so freaking upset!

      Delete
  21. Love your lists! You're hysterical! Can I come party with you and everyone like it's 1999? I've always wanted to do that.

    ReplyDelete
  22. OK, comment on the first list: First World Problems suck, yeah?
    The second list? I read #4 to my wife and she said, "OMG! That's funny and I'm now such a bad person for thinking it's funny." I think she's crying in the bathroom now. Good job. ;P

    ReplyDelete
  23. Those ASPCA commercials are awful. They made my daughter cry when she was 3, which in turn made me cry.... another reason not to watch tv at dinner.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hey I want to see a photo of you and that llama. I think it's destiny. (-:

    ReplyDelete
  25. My sister in anxiety. You are not alone. They ran over a COW???? WTH? What about the stuffy, germ-filled air on airplanes? Does that make you anxious? That makes me anxious.

    ReplyDelete
  26. How dare you use my brain for your anxiety list. I officially hate you. No wait, I don't want you to feel bad. I don't hate you. I'm sorry. Are you okay? I was just kidding, I swear. You're so pretty. Let's be friends, okay? Wanna glass of wine? I'll text you later.

    Okay. GREAT POST!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww you think I'm pretty? Thanks for the wine. Still waiting for your text...

      Delete
  27. Get that sewing machine and you can learn to sew. It's easy. Trust me.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'd love to make a quilt, but alas, I too cannot sew!
    I love #11!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I didn't see Contagion because I knew that my wife would do the same thing as you and before the movie is over she'd be convinced she had it too. I hate those movies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband warned me against it, but I didn't listen.

      Delete
  30. I watched contagion ON AN AIRPLANE. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. For the next fourteen hours (it was a long-ass flight) every time someone in that metal tube coughed or blew her nose, I thought oh shit we're all gonna die.
    Anxious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That movie should be banned from airplanes! What were they thinking?

      Delete
  31. I am with you on being anxious about pretty much everything and I HATE wasting good clothes on going no where oh and putting make up on too when I see no one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I put on makeup someone better be looking!

      Delete
  32. I share almost all of your anxieties. You should make an anxiety quilt. Or everyone could make their own anxiety panel and it could be combined into one giant anxiety quilt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great idea. Then I could say I am literally wrapped in anxiety.

      Delete
  33. I love both of your lists. I can't stand being in a car for too long either. It gets to the point that I consider opening the door and jumping out and how badly I'll get cut up vs. sitting for one minute longer!

    ReplyDelete
  34. We are currently living through Contagion at my house. So to break up the boredom, I'm going to answer every question with "I want to make a quilt." I'd let you know how that goes, but I'm sure you already know.

    ReplyDelete
  35. A mom at my kids' hippie school gave birth in a pool (ocean? lake? not sure...) with dolphins. For reals. Not sure why or the general logistics, but I thought you'd want to know.

    ReplyDelete

I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.