Wednesday, January 4, 2012

And Then I Almost Died

I am back among the living, which is to say the holidays are over and I am back from vacation.  I bet you didn't even know I was on vacation, did you?  That was intentional.  I didn't tell the internets in case they decided to rob us while we were gone.  Not that you would rob us, just the internets in general.

I had all kind of posts planned for Christmas and New Year's and throughout my vacation, but I suck, thus NO POSTS.

So many things happened on our trip I could write a thousand posts about them, but that sounds like a lot of work, so here are some highlights.

1.  We went to New York City.  I have a love affair with that city that borders on obscene.  As soon as we step off the plane the husband and I breathe a collective sigh as if to say, "we are home."

2.  Every year the husband and I go somewhere cold after Christmas because we live in a place where it never gets cold.  I LOVE the cold.  My skin?  Does not.  You've heard of heat rash, right?  Well apparently I get cold rash.  My arms, my legs, my sides, my back, my stomach, other places... red, bumpy, itchy.  O. M. G.  the itching.  Every night when we got back to our room I would rip off my 42 to layers of clothes and start scratching.  It was exactly as sexy as it sounds.

Then I'd be all, "husband, rub some ointment on me."

And he'd be, "no, you're disgusting."

Not a true story.  The husband didn't say I was disgusting and there was no ointment.  But there was itching.  Lots of it.

Also, we all agree that the words "rash" and "ointment" are the two sexiest words in the English language, yes?  Especially when used together.

3. It rained one night when we were there.  This was the night we had tickets to a Broadway show.  Sister Act.  We decided to take a cab because a.) it was raining; b.) it was cold and my outfit did not allow for 42 layers of long underwear; but mainly because c.) I was wearing my new knee-high, high-heeled boots and did not want to get them wet.

Priorities people.

We left our hotel a little later than planned because someone *cough* me had to have her hair just right.  Because when people spend half their life savings to attend a Broadway show and sit in the dark to watch said show, they are going to be looking at my hair and deciding whether it has the right amount of volume.  Obviously.

I don't know if you've ever been to NYC, but it is faster to crawl than drive, especially on 5th avenue, 6th avenue, Madison avenue, Broadway, or anywhere in the general vicinity.  Especially if it's a few days after Christmas and a few days before New Years.  Especially if it's raining.

We hopped in a cab anyway.  Honestly, we had no other option.  We had thirty minutes to go 1.8 miles.  Our show started at 7:00 p.m.  At 6:47 I start to say we're not going to make it.  The husband tells me to believe.  He asks the cabby if he thinks we'll be there by 7:00.  He says, "sure!" and floors it through the intersection.  And another one.  And another.  And I saw my life flash before my eyes at least seven times.

We come to a stop and the cabby tells us it'd be faster to walk.  We only have two blocks to go.

Apparently "two" blocks means "a bajillion" blocks.  At least that's what it felt like.  It was 6:57.  There was no time to walk. We had to RUN!

Did I mention I was wearing knee-high high-heeled boots?  Did I mention we were in New York City where the sidewalks are insanely crowded?  Did I mention we had to run?

I tucked my hair ( MY HAIR!) under my hat and the husband and I took off.

Allow me to take a moment to apologize to anyone who is currently missing an eye due to the umbrella I wielded above my head as I tore through the crowd.  You should know we got to the show on time and it was awesome, so, totally worth it, right?

My legs were shaking when we reached the theater doors and the ticket taker looked at me as though I was a mental person about to pass out, which honestly wasn't far from the truth.  We go to the bar and I order a water, and a vanilla vodka and coke.  "Anything else?" the bartender asks.  "Some oxygen," I say.  He was not amused.

I leave the husband to wait and pay for the drinks and I sit on a bench and try to collect myself.  Which consists of panting and coughing and fixing my hair, and putting my heads between my legs, and panting, and bundling our umbrellas and gasping for air and panting some more. Right in front of everyone as they pile into the theater.

"Why yes I am part of the show.  You paid extra for this.  Congratulations."

Our seats are the second row from the top.  We must climb stairs.  SO MANY STAIRS.  I huff and puff my way to the top, collapse in my seat and feel very sorry for the guy next to me.

I tell the husband it's going to take me until the second act to recover and he says, "As long as you recover by the 'Sister Act'."

Hahahahaha.  That man is so funny.

I whisper to the husband that something is wrong with my throat.  I suspect that I have swallowed a bee and am being stung repeatedly, but I don't tell him that because sometimes it's good to keep the crazy to yourself.

To wrap things up, my throat stopped being weird, the show was awesome, and thirty minutes before it was over I had to pee. Not like, "I kinda have to pee and maybe I should go soon," but "OMG I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW WHY WON'T THEY STOP SINGING KILL HER! KILL DOLORES AND THE NUNS AND GET THIS SHOW OVER WITH!"

Lots of other things happened on our trip, but I'll end this here cuz I know you'll want to re-read this two or twenty times, meditate on it and try to truly comprehend its awesomeness.

I also realize I've switched between present and past tense a bajillion times like a person who don't know no grammar and I feel seven kinds of awful about it, but the New Year is all about making excuses so allow me to say I am currently editing my novel, which was originally written in past tense, but as I add scenes and edit, I'm writing in present tense, because honestly I think it will make the story so much better but I'm not totally sure and it makes me feel all floopy.*

*A bajillion pieces of bacon to the person who can tell me who said that.


  1. Hahah what an adventure for you! Or a disaster. Either way..

  2. I've never been to New York. But if I went, I'd probably spend all of my time and money in the five story Nordstrom.

  3. Gia - it was disastrously adventurous.

    Carri - the husband won't let me anywhere near there.

  4. I love NY and wanna go back so bad. I was there in July during college. FAO all the way, baby!!

  5. Ah... New York City... I left half of my heart there (the other half's in Paris). Even if yes, I've gotten lost in the mid of a snow storm down Madison Ave with two armfuls of Christmas shopping and no cab in sight. Even if all kinds of weird, scary things happened the minute I stepped inside a cab (like getting a hit-and-run and screamed at by the driver for stopping him on the wrong side of the road--yeah, effin' arsehole!).

    I hope your kick-ass boots survived the showdown, my dear. And your bladder too. lol

    Welcome back, girl friend!

  6. It looks like you had great fun. Welcome back and Happy New Year!

  7. This is horrible! I want to win but I don't know who said it and I tried googling but failed. Which means I'm a failure at gooling. How lame is that?

    But, I hope your floppy feeling goes away soon. I'm quite confident that it will.

    And I'm so glad you had an awesome vacation...I can't wait to hear more about it.

    Missed you! xoxo

  8. I'm glad you feet would have fallen off with the effing boots

  9. Great! Now I want bacon. And I Googled it too, jacqui, and was unsuccessful. Stupid floopy. And I still want bacon.

  10. Sounds like quite the adventure...between the itching and ointments, hair volume, blister boots, and hyperventilating at Sister Act...sounds more like your version of "12 Days of Christmas." I used to live in Manhattan a long long time ago. Love the place but it helps to make serious bank if you're going to enjoy the place. I was more like a sewer rat watching others sipping champagne and tossing credit cards freely. Glad you had a good time. Happy New Year!

  11. Why does reading one of your posts make me want just one more vodka martini? Seriously. I want to know. The Mister is going to be going over our budget and I just know he's going to find that bill from Pappy's Liquor Emporium and it will lead to all kinds of embarrassing questions. :-)

  12. Have I told you you're my hero?

    You are.

  13. Ahh New York is amazing! I'm jealous...It's been a while since I've been...but sorry about you getting sick! That's no fun at all..especially over the holidays :O

  14. I grew up about 30 minutes outside the city. I miss that fricking place. Arizona got no culture.

  15. Ah yes, my friends and I did the "It's only a couple of blocks" thing while in NYC. We must have walked 4 miles.

    Glad that you made the show!

  16. was it steve martin?
    I remember my MOM getting her red high heel stuck in a grate on the sidewalk while we were walking/running to a restaurant...
    glad you had such a fun time...

  17. Your trip sounds all kinds of awesome!

    And Phoebe on Friends said floopy. WHERE'S MY BACON.

    Hope you didn't wet yourself at the show. I might have.

    1. No, it's Phoebe's Mum who says it! In the episode where they go to the beach and Phoebe's real Mum is revealed.
      Yes, I have spent probably about a quarter of my life on the couch watching Friends. But it is the greatest show EVER!


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