Thursday, December 8, 2011

Someone Hide the Knives

First, I love you guys. Seriously.  Many of you suggested I make BOTH kinds of cookies and I was all, "duh, me, of course you should make BOTH; your bloggy friends are so smart."

The chocolate ones came out as the winner and I would totally make them, but I don't have all the ingredients.  I would go to the store and get the missing goods but I can't.  Cuz I'm lazy.  And also?  I already went to the store.  Wal-Mart to be exact.  And I've spent the last 4.5 hours bashing my head into the wall.

Seriously, WTF is up with that store?  I'm convinced that in order to shop there you are required to have your brain surgically removed from your head.  Yes, I shopped there which means I must also be missing my brain, and I don't disagree with that, because seriously What. Was. I. Thinking?

In a fit of temporary insanity I decided to go to the land of Walmartians because I needed to get grocery things and non-grocery things and I thought I would save time by going to one place (Wal-Mart) instead of making two stops.  Save time by going to Wal-Mart?  Ha! Haha! Hahahahaha!

How I did not stab someone, I do not know.

Walmartian #1: Hey, I'm going to cut you off with my cart and then give you a dirty look for getting in my way.

Walmartian #2: Hey, I'm going to stop in the middle of the aisle and dig my underwear out of my butt for ten minutes and as soon as you try to go around me I'm going to body-check you into a shelf of canned goods.

Walmartian #3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8: Hey, we're going to celebrate our family reunion in the middle of the frozen food section.

Every time, EVERY TIME, I go, the cart I get has a jacked up wheel and I end up fighting with it the entire time like a mental person, which actually makes me fit right in with the other nutbags.  And as soon as I touch it I feel like I've instantly contracted 427 STDs.

Oh and here's a newsflash, lady with the unfortunate fashion sense and 1980s hair cut.  The express lane?  You know, the one that says 20 Items or Less? Means you only get to go through this lane if you have a TOTAL of 20 items or Lessssss.  It does not mean you get to do FIVE different transactions of 20 items.  It also does not mean you get to hold up every single item to your husband or boyfriend or sugar daddy and  say, "I got this for Bobby.  Do you think Mary Sue will like this?  These wings are for Lisa."  And please don't say, after ever transaction, "I've been a naughty girl."  It makes me feel like I need to hose myself off with bleach.

I was on the brink of losing my shit by the time it was my turn to check out with my four items, but shockingly the salesgirl was NOT a total moron.  She also told me I had really pretty eyelashes and then I was all, "all shucks, thanks, Wal-Mart really isn't so bad."

And I kinda didn't want to stab anyone any more. 

But then, on my way out, the exit was blocked by the I-Don't-Know-What-20-Items-Or-Less-Means Lady who had teamed  up with the Geriatric Wheelchair Gang and was all,"Heyyyy, you guys want to see what I bought my Ex-Mother-in-Law?"  I managed to maneuver around her and get out of there before I saw what the gift was, but I can say without a doubt the best gift this woman has ever and will ever give her Ex-Mother-in-Law was becoming her Ex-Daughter-in-Law.

The next time I decide to "run into Wal-Mart real quick," please stab me in the kneecap or entice me in another direction with a batch of cookies.  Thanks.

19 comments:

  1. I regularly shop at the Walmart Superstore simply because they have groceries for cheaper than the grocery store. I hate doing it.. and I feel stabby the whole time I'm in there.

    have you seen the People of Walmart video? (if not.. here's the link)

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  2. Same as chemgirljaime, we too get about, oh, a 1/3 of our groceries at Walmart. We also shop at Winco and Costco.

    My secret is to keep my head down and play up the blind card. Maybe you could play up your numb big toe!

    Also, wasn't it the ever so wise Bugs Bunny who said "if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em"?

    So my advice to you when it comes to Walmart is, keep your head down, mind your own business, budget as much time standing in line as shopping and grab a soda to drink. That last part is Mark's advice.

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  3. I'm trying to think about what the English equivalent would be, but I can't. I think this one's all yours :-)

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  4. I can only be thankful that the closest WalMart isn't actually close, and therefore should I get some wild and crazy idea about shopping there I'd promptly remind myself that it's too far and go to Target instead.

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  5. We must go to the same Wal-Mart because I'm pretty sure I've encountered Walmartians #1-8 on several occasions. We can go together next time, I'll bring the knives.

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  6. I can't stop laughing, this was great one. WalMARTIANS. Why didn't I think of that?

    I used to not mind Walmart. I could overlook all the above-mentioned type things because I was saving money damnit. But now that they've redone ours to make it a SUPER Walmart, I can not handle it anymore Way too many wierdos and I can't find anything. It'll have to be Target from now on.

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  7. I am loathe to admit I shop at WalMart. I hate every minute of it. But the prices are hands-down cheaper than any other store so I feel like they have the upper hand.

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  8. I think it would take a giant glass of wine before I could shop at WalMart during December... more power to you.

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  9. I absolutely hate the local WalMart. The people are rude, they act as if it is THEIR store and you should be humbled to shop there and the people are just rude...oh, wait-I said that once. But they are so rude you need to say it twice. If it weren't for the price of gas I would go to the one in the next town over. At least those people are somewhat nice. This town sucks!

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  10. You’ve won an award! http://bit.ly/tjRS8d (not spam!)

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  11. Can't stand Walmart. Last time I was there this "hot" (in her own mind) middle-aged woman asked me where I got my headband. First, I WASN'T wearing a headband...that was my head. I wish someone would tell me they liked my eyelashes and I'd probably return for more abuse.

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  12. Shopping at WalMart = Bad Idea.
    Shopping at WalMart during the Christmas season = Worst. Idea. Ev-ver.

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  13. I hate Walmart and would just as soon shank myself as go there. But sometimes, it's necessary. And those are the times when the only other option is wiping your ass with paid electric bills.

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  14. This is why I never go to Walmart. You can't go there real quick and every one of them is filled with morons. I'm so proud of you for not stabbing anyone!

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  15. I avoid WalMart like the freaking plague. Ever since the time when the cashier was a little too strung out to ring up my shit, and I counted no less than 55 people wearing pajama pants, I've vowed never to shop there again. Ever.

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  16. OMG! That's exactly what happens! I tsay I'm going to Wally to "save time", but we all know that's not logical because everything is across the store from each other and all the Sunday strollers. I'm ready to confront myvsanity today;)

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  17. Here, I'll save you from shopping for baking ingredients. JUST BUY MADE COOKIES IN THE BAG, YOU CAN GET THEM ANYWHERE.

    You're welcome.

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  18. I categorically refuse to shop at WalMart. Refuse. There is one less than a mile from my house and yet I will make up to 4 separate trips to purchase food and other non-food items so I don't have to go in that fucking shithole of stupidity.

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  19. Hahahha I hate walmart...but it's SO CONVENIENT! So I kind of love it too. It's okay, I'm catholic, so I have a love/hate relationship with lots of things (sex).

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