Friday, December 16, 2011

It's Official. I'm a Hooker.

My Mama would be so proud.  No really.  She would.  I'm not a street-walking hooker.  I'm a Helping Hooker.

And what, pray tell, is a Helping Hooker?

I'm so glad you asked!  Helping Hooker is the illegitimate love child of the Mama Bear Hookers Lydia and Kate at Rants From Mommyland.  They have started the most fabulous thing where people who really need help providing a nice Christmas for their family, whether its food or a few presents under the tree, can email Lydia and Kate who will match them up with people who want to be Helping Hookers.  Like me!

I've been trying to think for awhile now how I can makes someone's Christmas a little brighter.  You see, I am really blessed.  Like super blessed.  No I don't live in a mansion, or drive a fancy car or roll around in diamonds, but I don't think I've ever wanted for anything a day in my life.  But there are others, so many others, who are in need.  And I really really want to help, even if in just small way, so I was so excited when I read MommaKiss' blog who wrote all about the Helping Hookers program.  She's a Helping Hooker too! I hopped on over to Rants from Mommyland and signed up.

Now, for most people it's probably a very simple process: go to the store, by a gift certificate it, put it in the mail, make someone happy.  But not for me!  I was assigned a job and I take my jobs very seriously.

I got home from a Christmas party tonight and tiptoed into the bedroom so as not to wake the husband.  I located my hooker dress, the one from C's Bachelorette Party, and slipped it on.  And by "slipped it on" I mean danced and jiggled and hopped and wiggled my way into it.  It was tight when I bought in March, but now, after I've eaten 147 thousand cookies, well... let's just say the zipper doesn't go all the way up.

I grabbed my knee-high pleather hooker boots and slipped one on.  I hopped and nearly fell over as I tried to slip the other one on, which woke up the husband.  He looked at me, said nothing and went back to sleep.  Apparently there's nothing unusual about his wife putting on hooker boots in the middle of the night.

I'm sure you're all supremely disappointed to know I didn't go to the store dressed like this. I was planning to do my shopping online, but I wanted to take a picture first to prove that I fulfilled my Helping Hooker duty.  Plus, I've been wanting to give you all a Sarcasm Goddess Christmas card, and well, two birds one stone.

I lined up my camera, set the timer, and then everything went to shit.

You know those days when you're too dumb to function?  You know, like when you do something so idiotic it makes you wonder how am I even alive?  It happens to me more often than I care to admit.  Like last night when I was cooking a delicious Crock Pot meal.  The chicken had been in for a whole forty minutes and didn't look like it was cooking.  Instead of thinking, duh SG, it's a Crock Pot, the whole point is to sloooow cook,  I thought, my Crock Pot must be broken and touched the side of it to see if it was hot.

Guess what?  It was.  Like, really hot.  In case you've never had the pleasure of doing this, it's like reaching into the oven when it's on and grabbing one of the racks.  DO NOT DO IT!  It will not end well.

I try to limit my dumbf*ckery to once a week, but tonight my mask was looking a little rough.  Like, it was falling apart.  I think its been doing some hooking without me.  So, I super-glued it, waited five minutes and put it on.  It took approximately 3.2 seconds before my eye started to burn.

I immediately yanked off my mask and closed my eyes.  When I tried to open them my lashes were stuck together.  I had also jammed my finger in my eye, which actually landed on my brow.  When I tried to pull it away from my face, I couldn't.  That's right folks, I F*CKING SUPER-GLUED MY FINGER TO MY FACE and also nearly glued my eyes shut.

I am the worst hooker ever.  I think that's the first thing they teach you in hooker school, whatever you do, don't glue your eyes shut, dumbass.

I started flushing out my eye, but had mascara on my lashes.  Soon it was hard to tell whether my eye was burning from the super glue or the pools of mascara in my eye.  When I finished flushing my eye, I grabbed a tissue and dabbed my face, trying to keep as much of my Helping Hooker makeup in place as possible.  Apparently, there was still some glue on my eyebrow because when I pulled the tissue away much of it was still left on my face.

This is exactly why I should not be left unsupervised.  Ever.

I finally said, "screw it," and left the bathroom.  But you should know, I've already gotten up three times while writing this to repeat the process and I no longer have mascara or makeup on the left side of my face.  It seems more appropriate, somehow, that I only have half of my face done up.

I consulted the back of the super glue tube and it said in case of eye contact I should flush with water and call a physician, but honestly, that just seems like a really awkward conversation.

Me: Hello, I was getting ready to take my Helping Hooker picture and I got super glue in my eye.

Physician: Um...Helping Hooker?

Me: Yes, it's just like a regular hooker, but with more helping and less sex.

Physician: I see...and where does the super glue come in?

Me: I had to fix my mask.

Physician: Your mask?

Me: Yes, my mask.  I'm The Sarcasm Goddess.  I wear a mask because I'm paranoid.

Physician: Ma'am, I believe you've called the wrong number.  Let me give you the number for the Mental Help hotline.

Wow, this post really did not go according to plan.  But then, I'm a hooker.  I must be prepared for everything.  I'm pretty sure that's the second thing they teach you in hooker school.

And now without further ado, proof that I am a Helping Hooker.

The Bag of Knives are in case anyone tries to stop me from doing good deeds.  Obviously.

And now, the most bestest Christmas card you'll ever receive:

I originally wanted to give you guys a photo from the whole family, but the husband and Sweet Riley are sleeping. 

Guess what?!  The fun's not over. I'm super excited to link up my Christmas Card with Jamie at Chosen Chaos.  Go check it out and link up your card.

The point of this post, which has no doubt gotten lost in all of my tomfoolery, is that I have the chance to make someone's Christmas a little brighter and I am so happy about it.  If you'd like to be a Helping Hooker, check out the post at Rants From Mommyland and contact Lydia and Kate.  Let's make this the most magical Christmas EVAH!

This post is also linked up with Where's My Glow for FlogYoBlogFriday.  WOOT!

FYBF

15 comments:

  1. That's hysterical.. I think 'dumbf*ckery' will be my new favourite word!

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  2. Love this! I whole-heartedly support tomfoolery.

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  3. You're such a hooker! Merry Christmas to you and to Evil Cody!

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  4. This is exactly why I love you even though you're a hooker! I love all of this...and that's one of the best Christmas cards I've ever received!

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  5. I hope you are wearing your thong onsie under there! Your tree is gorgeous - happy hookering!

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  6. I want to be a hooker too! I may need to borrow the dress though - I threw mine out after the twins came. Didn't think it was appropriate dress-up material. Apparently I did it too soon.

    Thank you for linking up!

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  7. Oh sweet Jesus you crack me up. So glad you got paired up. So many are in need. Plus. We get to be hookers!! You're a hotter hooker than me tho

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  8. Wow, I love it! Love it all! And you can stop talking about your fat ass now cuz yer HAWT!

    What does the husband's mask look like?

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  9. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....okay I am sorry you super glued your eye shut but this is funny, but not only is this funny, the "hooker" Tweet from last night now makes PERFECT sense!!!! Were you freaking Tweeting and flushing your eyes out? I also want to say you are amazing for helping out a family. This year has hit us HARD as you know from the fabulous Twitter and I know you will be helping someone keep the Christmas spirit and ease the stress!! You are so wonderful! (And HOT!!!)

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  10. That is an awesome...scarf! I must have one. *Did you hear Santa?*

    www.mamaandthecity.com

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  11. Did you manage to super glue the dog to yourself too? You really do need a keeper.

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  12. For all the trouble you went through, you looked smokin' hot there, girl! Super glued or not, just keep the mask on, and you're good to go.

    You totally deserve a Dedicated Hooker Helper Award! lol

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  13. SHOW US YOUR BOOBS! Oh wait... You're not really a hooker? Whoopsy... Forget I said anything.

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  14. This is just perfect. The joy of giving, superglue and hooker boots in one post :-)

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  15. THE Ashley Elizabeth ReisDecember 18, 2011 at 8:49 PM

    I would pay lots if monies for a Christmas pic of the husband donning a mask as well.
    Please oh please!!!
    Can't wait for this week! :):)

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I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.