Monday, December 19, 2011

It's Baaaack!!!

It's Sunday and you know what that means... It's Award Show time!!

Today's host is none other than Pepe the Singing Christmas Tree. 

Pepe doesn't know he has a terrible voice, so please don't tell him.

In case you're new here or it's been so long and you've forgotten, The Sarcasm Goddess Award Show is the most awesome sausage award show's all about you guys!  Yay!

And maybe a little about me.  Or possibly a lot about me.

Since it's been so long since we've had a show, I'm going to try really really hard to make it all about you guys.

In case you're wondering, I still have super glue on my eye lashes, my hand is recovering from its Crock Pot burn and I didn't catch my oven on fire again.

Oh, didn't I tell you guys about that?  One night, approximately midnight, I was on the twatter, obviously, and I decided to make a pizza.  The fact that it was my second pizza for the day is irrelevant.  Probably.  After the oven alerted me it had reached 400 degrees, I opened it to put the pizza in and low and behold IT WAS ON FIRE!

First, I tweeted about it, of course.  And then I was like, "should I wake the husband and tell him about this fire, or deal with it myself?"

I decided to deal with it myself so later I could be all, "remember that time the oven caught on fire?"  And he could be all, "no," and I could be all, "that's cuz you were asleep," and then he could be all, "you seriously need to be supervised," and it would be the best conversation ever.

You guys should know I feel like I have a fever, but it could just be from remembering the fire.  Seriously, though, if I'm sick for Christmas someone is getting stabbed.

You probably think, that because of my anxiety disorder, I totally freaked out about the fire.  But that would be logical.  And my anxiety is very not-at-all-logical.  Actually, I was quite pleased about the fire.  True story.

You see, when I quit my job, the husband and I re-wrote our vows.

He vowed to be the sole financial provider and I vowed to clean the house, get published and put out any and all fires. I haven't done so well on fulfilling my first two vows so I was all, "Yay!  Fire! Time to pull my own weight."

Putting the fire out required a combination of turning off the oven, nearly climbing inside, catching my hair on fire, and a spatula.

I think something may be wrong with me.

Are you guys loving how this show is not about  me at all?

Before we start the show, allow me to show you the new features on my blog.  You'll see I've added a twitter button so you can be my twat.  Usually the "t" button is accompanied by a facebook and email and RSS button.  However, it took me two hours to get that twitter button on my blog - true story - so the other buttons can kiss my caboose.

If you want to know more about the Award Show, you can click here, here and here, but basically it's where I make kick-ass custom awards for my new followers, or in this case, people who followed me a long time ago but I've spent the last six months eating bacon and cookies and was too lazy had no time to make a show.  Also, all the hosts were kidnapped by alien pirates.  It's tragic, I know, but we don't have time to be sad.

So grab a drink - I usually recommend wine, but since it's the holidays I suggest egg nog or spiced apple toddy (I have no idea what that is, but it sounds fun so you should drink it).  There's a very good chance it's Monday  morning and you are reading this at work.  You should still drink away.  I'm sure your boss won't mind.

Please note: The Sarcasm Goddess Award Show assumes no responsibility if you lose your job for drinking whilst working.  Please drink responsibly.  I'm pretty sure that's good advice for everyone.

Let's get on with the show, shall we?  First, I must WELCOME and say THANK YOU to all my new followers.  You guys make me pee like an un-potty trained puppy. 

Okay, Pepe, are you ready to announce our first award recipient?

You have a very lovely voice Pepe, but we have a show to do.

Apparently Pepe's dipped into the egg nog.  Good help is so hard to find.

I guess I'll have to give out the awards myself.  You've heard me talk about our first recipient many times.  She has guest posted for me and we are eagerly awaiting her to knit legwarmers and wear them.  In public.  Everyone, please put your flippers together and join me in congratulating... Just Jennifer!

Congratulations Just Jennifer.  You inspire us all to be a little more awesome.

Our next award goes to a woman who is away ahead of her time.  Or possibly behind.  Either way, she inspired one of the greatest twitter conversations in the history of ever.  Please raise a glass and toast...Coffee Lovin Mom!

Way to go Coffee Lovin Mom.  No one rocks a thong onesie like you do.

And now to acknowledge some Awesome Sausage Commenters.  Just to be clear, Every. Single. One. of the comments every one of you leave, make my whole day.  My whole life.  I'm not sure if you all read the comments, but you should, because they're amazing.  Your comments are often better than anything I could ever post and I've contemplated not even posting and just reading the comments, but there seems to be something flawed with that method.

So in case you guys aren't reading the comments, here's a little of what you've  missed:

In response to my Someone Hide the Knives Post:

Annie said: Can't stand Walmart. Last time I was there this "hot" (in her own mind) middle-aged woman asked me where I got my headband. First, I WASN'T wearing a headband...that was my head. I wish someone would tell me they liked my eyelashes and I'd probably return for more abuse.

"First, I WASN'T wearing a headband...that was my head.Bahahahahaha, those Walmartians be crazy!

Rob Adams said: Shopping at WalMart = Bad Idea.  Shopping at WalMart during the Christmas season = Worst. Idea. Ev-ver.

I love a man who tells it like it is and kicks me when I'm down.  Thank you Rob!

And finally, yvonne@attractedtoshinythings said, in response to A Watched Turkey Doesn't Thaw:
"I FEEL LIKE I'M TUGGING ON HIS WEINER!!!"  *sigh* If I had a nickel.....

I don't think I need to explain why this comment is awesome sausage.

I would love to hi-light more comments, but I seriously think I'm getting sick. Which is making me pissed.  And when I get pissed, I throw things.  And the only thing in my hands right now is the husband's computer and the last thing he says to me before he goes to bed every night is, "whatever you do, don't throw my computer."

If you'd like to check out past award recipients or find out how you can get your own award, click here.

Happy Monday!


  1. Well it's about time you explain what happened with the pizza/fire thing. Nothing like sitting on the other end when someone says "I think my kitchens on fire" Uhhh, I am suggesting a code word from now on for "THIS IS A REAL FUCKING EMERGENCY SEND HELP WITHOUT WAKING THE HUSBAND"

    Love the awards! Both chicks deserve awesome awards from you! They really are awesome sausage!

  2. BAHHAHH! Who would have thought the thong onsie would win me an award? I must have missed the fire in the oven, I would have sent you the Jimmy John's guy - he would've been quicker than the fire department and quieter upon request..

  3. Love the awards! I'm impressed that you put the fire out but I think I'm more impressed with the fact that you ate two pizzas in one day. That's awesome. Glad you liked my Walmart headband story. I have washed my hair since and plan to do so more frequently. Maybe that will stop the headband heyday with the Walmarters!

  4. Holy crap, SG, why didn't you TELL me you had done an awards show in which I received an award?? Am I not one of your favorite twats? I think this deserves a tweet or two or three!!

    I am so freaking honored and I am copying my award and putting it on my blog post haste (or tomorrow).

    I love you!

  5. Hair on fire? Twitter as first response? Spatula? We must have an emergency response training seminar!

    But you couldn't have honored two greater women and you rock your scary self.

    Way to go!

  6. That is the sexiest damn Christmas tree I've ever seen. You should know he's giving me a fever.

  7. Congratulations to all the winners!!! Oh, and by the way, I want one!!!!! (my birthday's coming up, so does that make me super-qualified?) lol

  8. I'm not sure how I missed this but I'm glad I did...since you seem to have forgotten to give me an award. I'll now say congratulations to the so-called winners and storm out in a huff...

  9. Honey. This post, combined with your comment on Suniverse's Answer My Questions Goddammit, had me giggling so loudly that my husband came to check on me (in the bedroom with my computer...where I'm hiding from my kids) because he thought I was having an online affair. You. Are. Da. Bomb.

  10. I'm sure my award is in the mail. Or is it because I don't twat?


I had to change my comment settings because I was getting too much spam. You can no longer comment anonymously. (I don't think anyone besides the spammers were doing this.) But I don't want to block the rest of you from commenting! If you're having trouble, tweet me at @sarcasmgoddess or email sarcasmgoddess at ymail dot com and I'll see what I can do to fix it.